Lollipops and Letters
by chinocoop81
Summary: Marissa's a freshman, Ryan's a senior. She has nothing left to live for and feels utterly helpless, can Ryan save her? Please, please, please read. You won't regret it. Complete
1. Intro

**A/N So first off let me tell you that I'm putting my stories, So You Think You Can Dance and Gone to Texas on hiatus in order to write this story. Second, I want to say that this is mayeighteenthisevil, I just had to change my name cause there were some problems. Third, each chapter in this story will have a song starting with the next one. The songs are from the sixties, maybe one from the seventies. You will find out later why. And fourth, this is kind of based off of a true story. I've obviously changed the names and I've changed some of the events to protect the inoccent. So enjoy and if you read, please review. Chapter one will be up soon.**

**Intro**

I hate my life.

I hate the way everyone thinks that they're so perfect and they care what everyone else thinks of them. I hate the way that Newport is so stuck up and shallow, that the only thing people care about is whether they would look good in this dress or that. I hate the way everyone tries to know everything about a person, the way gossip is spread as quickly as a blink of an eye. I hate the way my mom pretends she cares about me when I know she doesn't, the way that she has this fake smile and fake laugh that she's always using out in public. I hate being scrutinized by everyone. I hate school and the preps and the jocks and the cheerleaders and the math nerds and the band geeks and everyone else. I hate everything, I just do. It's a fact to everyone, everyone knows that I hate them. No one bothers to ask me to the mall or over to their house for a makeover or to eat lunch with them at school. No one cares.

But most of all out of everything I hate home. I hate that my mom has a new boyfriend an that he's living with us after them only knowing each other for a month. I hate that he is going bald even though he's only in his forties and that he has this really obnoxious laugh. I can't stand that when he smiles his yellow teeth are shown and that he's always looking at me. I hate the way his hand feels against my skin when he touches me. I hate the way he looks at me across the room, the way he puts his hand a little too low on my back when he's around me. And late at night when he comes into my room and holds his hand over my mouth and starts undressing me, his disgusting and dirty hands touching me and making me feel so alone and empty, I hate him. He always has his way with me and then he leaves and whispers to me that if I tell anyone, he'll kill me.

And I'm always left in my room, usually bleeding, and feeling dirty. But no matter how many times I take a shower, it doesn't go away. I still feel like somehow I've done something wrong. Maybe if I never looked at him, maybe if I never smiled or laughed with him he wouldn't have gotten the wrong idea and done this to me. I always cry, which I hate myself for because I shouldn't show a sign of weakness. I shouldn't show signs that I care. Because I don't care anymore. It's like I'm a nothing, invisible, lost, alone, empty. I feel like there's nothing anyone can do for me anymore because I'm already so far gone, I already hate everyone so much that it doesn't matter what anyone does. I never thought anyone could piece me back together.

But he did. He picked me up when I was down, put me back together and made me feel new and fresh. This is his story, our story. But get those tissues ready, because I'm pretty sure that you'll cry.


	2. You'll Never Walk Alone

**Chapter 1: You'll Never Walk Alone**

The clock on the wall seemed to be moving a whole lot faster than I wanted it to. I mumbled a silent prayer that the minute hand would not move, that it was off somehow. I wished and prayed and hoped with all my might that I wouldn't have to go home. But the minute hand moved and the bell rang, signaling that school was over. I sighed and grabbed my stuff as everyone else filed out of the classroom quickly, off to their activities and homes. I'm just about to walk out of the classroom when my teacher, Mr. Richards, stops me and says, "I'd like to talk to you for a minute Miss Cooper." Crap.

I turn and look at him, giving him my best fake smile. I don't really remember a time when I smiled naturally and my fake smile comes so easily now. I don't even think about doing it anymore. He gestures for me to walk towards his desk and I do as he asks. "Yes?" I ask when I'm standing next to him. He puts his hand on my shoulder and I flinch, remembering the night before. I close my eyes and try not to show my emotions which is kind of hard at the moment.

"Are you okay?" He asks in a soothing tone. He must have seen how uncomfortable his hand made me because he pulled it back and took a step away from me. He watches me and I try not to seem uncomfortable by this. Whenever my mom's boyfriend Steve looks at me, he always has this look in his eyes that shows that he is going to have his way with me that night. He has this glint of evil in his eye and I avoid looking at people, afraid of what will be in their eye. And if I look at them, then they can easily see what's in mine. "You know you can tell me if you're not right?"

I just nod and say, "I'm fine." I'm not though. I'm fourteen, going on fifteen, and already have lost my virginity involuntarily. I'm raped every night and forced to smile and seem happy around him during the day when my mom watches us. She never knows what's going on, and Steve makes sure I keep it that way. That, or he'll kill me or my mom. And even though I hate my mom, I won't do that to her. Mr. Richards is giving me this really weird look right now and I say, "I am…really. Thanks for your concern though."

I turn to walk away and he says, "No matter how bad things seem now, they'll get better sooner or later." I turn back to him and stare at him for a while. Does he know? There's no way that he could unless he's some kind of specialist in this area. And even then you can't really tell. He must see my confusion because he says, "People come into my classroom all the time with this problem. They can't seem to adjust from middle school to high school. It'll all be okay, really. It'll get better."

_When you walk  
Through a storm_

_Hold your head, up high  
And don't be afraid, of the dark  
_

I nod and turn away. He doesn't know, no one knows. No one cares. Why should they? So I take my stuff and go to my locker, walking really slowly. Maybe if I'm lucky Steve will be away on some kind of business trip or something. Or maybe he got into a car crash, yeah. Or maybe he was murdered by someone. Yeah, and maybe there was lots of blood and he was hurt he way I hurt everyday. I imagine all of these different scenarios in my head, but deep down I know none of them will come true.

I know that I'm going to go home and he's going to be there, waiting. And I'll act like everything's okay. He'll act like he really likes me in front of my mom, as if I'm a good almost step daughter and my mom will be happy and clueless, blinded by his money. And then tonight it'll happen again. And then it'll happen tomorrow and the next day and days and weeks after that. Just like it has for the past two months. But I'll keep that smile plastered on my face, I'll keep my appearances up, I'll try to work in school. I won't let anyone know what's happening. I close my locker and start walking down the hallway, my head down.

I never saw him coming. I ran into someone and dropped all the stuff in my hands, all the papers and stuff and scowled and started to pick them up, so upset with myself that I hadn't been paying attention. I'm always so careful. "I'm so sorry.." I start, but then I hear his voice and suddenly I'm not so sorry anymore.

"It's okay…really." He says, and he hands me a book and I finally see who it is. It's Ryan Atwood, a senior and maybe the most popular guy in school. He plays a lot of sports for our school but not Water Polo which I've always thought was cool. I used to have a crush on him, but not so much anymore. Ever since Steven I haven't really thought about boys. But there's something about Ryan that makes me feel slightly nervous and uneasy, but in a good way. Ryan smiles at me and says, "No backpack?"

I was confused at first by his question, but then I look down and see that I'm holding all of my books instead of carrying them in a backpack. "No…backpacks are so overused. Everyone has them." I say, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I struggle with all the books and Ryan quickly comes to my rescue.

"Let me help you." He says, taking my books from me. Now he's carrying my books and has his own in his backpack which is slung over his shoulder so I feel bad.

I shake my head and say, "No, that's not fair to you." I go to reach for my books but he moves them so they're out of my reach.

"Nope. I'm not letting you do that." He says with a smile. His eyes sparkle when he talks to me and he says, "I'll carry your books for you since you don't want to carry a backpack. There are too many for you to carry and you'll just hurt yourself."

I shake my head and say, "I've done it before."

He shrugs and says, "But you're not doing it today." He smiles and I roll my eyes. "Now…how are you getting home?"

I look at him and raise an eyebrow. "What does it matter to you?"

He shrugs and says, "I was kind of hoping I could drive you home." He gives me a smile that would make any other girl in the school probably faint. That's how much everyone loves him. I shake my head and he seems to lose his smile. "Why not?" He asks.

"I…" I start, but I really don't have a good reason. My mom probably forgot to pick me up and Steve is just getting off of work so he won't swing by the school unannounced. So really I would have to walk home which would cost me over an hour. In the heat I don't know if I'd like that too much, but still…why should Ryan Atwood want to drive me home?

He sees my hesitation and smiles again. "Then it's decided. I'll drive you home."

"Why do you care?" I ask, eyeing him suspiciously. If I've learned anything with Steve, it's that you never get a free ride for anything.

Ryan shrugs and says, "I want to get to know you." He smiles and starts walking off, but turns to make sure I'm following him. When I'm still standing there, debating whether or not to follow him he says, "Look, if you don't let me give you a ride, then I'm going to have to walk home with you carrying your books and then come all the way back to school and go home myself." His eyes twinkle and he says, "Now I can guess you don't want that."

_'Coz at the end of the storm  
Is a golden sky_

_And the sweet silver song  
Of the lark_

I sigh and follow him and he smiles widely. He makes sure he keeps his distance at first, keeping a few feet distance between us. But as we get closer to his car, I find him a little closer and I don't know what to think of that. It makes me kind of nervous in a good and bad way. I don't really trust guys. That's a given. But still…I don't know what to think about Ryan at the moment. It's not like it matters anyways though, I'm probably never going to talk to him again. He's probably too good for me. When we get to the car he hands me the books as I get in and said, "Now this is cliché." He chuckles and I roll my eyes as he walks to the driver's side. I give him directions to my house and he drives away. "So…" He starts, probably expecting me to start talking like all other girls at our school do. When I don't say anything he says, "You're a freshman right?"

I nod and say, "Yeah, I'm fourteen." I'm as far away from him that I can get in the seat. He's probably some seventeen year old that has raging hormones and a freshman is the perfect target. That's probably why he wanted to drive me home…to butter me up and then bam, attack me. Or maybe he thought he'd just get lucky.

Ryan nods and says, "I remember when I was fourteen. I had just moved in with the Cohens." We were at a stoplight so he glanced over at me. "I bet you didn't know I was adopted."

I shook my head and said, "No I didn't."

He nodded and let out a small, kind of bitter laugh. "Everyone makes things the way they want it to be. No one cares about the real story." He starts to drive again and asks, "You understand right?"

And I did, I really did. It was like he was voicing what I'd been feeling ever since Steve came along. I thought that no one would understand me though, but here was Ryan Atwood, a seventeen year old superstar in our school, somehow putting into words what I'd been wanting to for a while. "Yeah, I do." I say quietly, looking out the window. I can see we're nearing my house and I can see Steve's car parked in the driveway. I close my eyes and try to keep my emotions in order. Ryan stops the car and I can feel his gaze on me. I can't turn and meet it though in fear of losing myself.

"So this is your house?" He asks, even though it's obvious. I nod and he says, "It's nice. I wish I could build one like it someday."

I just nod, not really wanting to talk anymore. Not that I wanted to talk in the first place…but still. "So I should probably go in…" I say, undoing my seat belt. I start to get out of the car but Ryan is way faster than me and manages to get out, go around, and open my door for me. I give him a small smile, not a totally real one but not my usual fake one. "Um…thanks." I say, holding all my stuff in my arms.

"Do you need help?" He asked, gesturing towards my books. I shake my head and he says, "Okay…I guess I'll see you at school." He smiles and gets back into the car but doesn't drive away just yet. I feel him watching me as I walk to my front door and then I turn around and wave at him slightly and I see him smiling at me. It gives me chills, but I don't know what that means. Does he like me? Do I like him? Do I even want to like him?

I walk into the house and close the door gently behind me. Maybe my mom and Steve won't hear, maybe I'll be free for tonight at least. No such luck. "Marissa honey, who was that?" My mom asked. I sighed and walked towards her. She was at the window, looking out. She had a smile on her face and was giving me this knowing look. "Was that Ryan Atwood?"

_Walk on, through the wind  
Walk on, through the rain  
Though your dreams be tossed  
And blown_

I nod and say, "Yeah, it was." My mom can annoy me so much with just a look sometimes. I swear.

"What was he doing with you? Tell me all the details." My mom said, taking my hand and dragging me involuntarily to the couch. She sat and made me sit down too, yanking my arm down. "So, what happened?" she asked.

I sigh and say, "Nothing mom, I was at school, I bumped into him….he carried my books and offered to give a ride home." I glare at her and say, "It's not like anyone else was there to pick me up."

She brushes off my comment and says, "So did you guys talk? Is he taking you out sometime? Does he like you? Do you like him? What's going on between you two? Are you dating? Did you guys kiss? I need answers!" She said excitedly.

I roll my eyes and say, "It was just a ride home, nothing more." I look down and play with my hands as my mom rambles away…but then I hear a noise and I look up. Steve is walking into the room. I immediately cross my hands over my chest and look away from him. I feel his gaze heavy on me, undressing me with his eyes. I can almost imagine his hands all over my body, his hand clamped over my mouth. I physically start to curl into myself.

"What's going on?" He asks, putting a hand on my shoulder. "What has she done now?" He jokes.

My mom happily says, "She's got herself a date with Ryan Atwood, the most popular guy in Newport Beach." She smiles widely at me and then at Steve who's hand is rubbing my shoulder, making me feel disgusting and dirty beneath his touch.

He smiles at me, I can feel it, hear it in his voice. "Why, that's a good thing huh? I always knew you were a good girl."

And as I look at my mom, I try to tell her what is really going on. Can't she see the way I act around him, the way he's a little too friendly and touchy feely with me other than her? Can't she see the way I seem to curl up a little more each time he talks? Can't she sense he's gone from her bed late at night? Why can't she see what's going on right under her nose. Ryan's words come into my head. _Everyone makes things the way they want it to be. No one cares about the real story. _I take in a deep breath and say, "I'm not dating Ryan."

But by then, no one's listening.

_Walk on, walk on  
With hope, in your heart  
And you'll never walk alone  
You'll never walk alone_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I feel a hand press over my mouth and I know what's coming. I keep my eyes closed, trying not to look at him. I don't want to see him, his ugly face and his ugly body. "Hello little girl." He says, and I slowly open my eyes even though everything's telling me not to. He keeps his hand over my mouth firmly and says, "I've missed you." I look at everything except for him. I won't allow myself to do that, he doesn't deserve it. "I hear you're with that Atwood kid." He pushes his hand down further, and it kind of hurts. "I must tell you, I don't like the idea of you with anyone else." He moves his face closer to mine and I can feel his breath on my face and I flinch and try to get away, but he doesn't let me. "I like to know that I'm not with some slut."

With one hand over my mouth, he starts to pull down my pants. I try to resist him, but he just pushes me down harder and I whimper in pain. He gets my pants off and then starts to slide his own off. He's having difficulty doing this with only one hand, but eventually he does get it off. As he starts to rape me, I'm no longer Marissa Cooper.. As he rapes me, I'm imagining I'm floating in the sky, far away from this place. I imagine I'm off somewhere where I can be whatever I want to be which to be quite honest is nothing. I don't even exist, I'm just the wind, a cool breeze in the night. When he's done, he runs a hand over my cheek gently and says that I'm a good girl.

_  
Alone_

I hate that term, good girl. Am I a good girl cause I don't tell? Or am I a good girl because I don't give up a fight? He gets up and puts his pants back on and then walks out of my room and down the hall to my mom who is probably still asleep. I just lay there, left with an empty and dirty feeling. I get up and got the bathroom, and see that I'm bleeding once again. I sigh and just take a shower, like I do every night.

I scrub and scrub at my skin, trying to get away the dirty feeling. I keep scrubbing until my skin is red and raw and I turn the water so hot that it burns me. I sit down on the floor of the tub, the water beating down on my back and I cry, my tears mixing with the water. I cry for my life, for my innocence, at the fact that I was raped again. I cry that I'm all alone in this world with no one to help me or save me. I cry until there are no more tears left and then I get out of the shower and get dressed for bed. I try to sleep and I imagine that I'm in the sky again. That I'm nothing, just a breeze.

And I want more than anything for it to come true.

_Walk on, walk on  
With hope in your hearts  
You'll never walk, alone _


	3. My Eyes Adored You

**Chapter 2: My Eyes Adored You**

Gossip spreads fast. By the next day, everyone at school thinks I'm dating Ryan Atwood. I roll my eyes and the staring eyes and the way everyone's whispering behind my back. I'm not dating him…I don't want to be dating him. He's probably as upset by the rumors as me. My mom called one of her friends from yogalates and told her about how I'd come home with Ryan and then that lady must have told her daughter who told her friends and then they told other kids until everyone at school knew. I go to my locker and open it, putting my books in it. I have a free period next and I was thinking I could just go hide out in the library…maybe sleep a little since I don't get much at home. No such luck.

"How come everyone here knows you're dating Ryan Atwood before I do?" My friend, Summer Roberts asks. I immediately sigh inwardly and then turn to face her.

"I'm not dating Ryan. He gave me a ride home, that's it." I can't really tolerate friends at all anymore. I'm a loner…so I haven't talked to Summer for a couple of months. I know she only wants gossip, and that's the only reason she's playing the whole friendship thing. "There is absolutely nothing going on."

She raises an eyebrow and says, "Ryan Atwood gives you a ride home and that means there's nothing going on?" She shakes her head and laughs slightly.

"It was just a ride…it's not like we kissed or anything. We didn't even hold hands and we barely talked." I say, trying to get that idea out of her head. I hate it when people make things out the way they want it to be. "I don't see why everyone is making a big deal about it."

Summer gives me a small smiles and says, "This is Newport…people like to gossip. They love to talk about Ryan Atwood like he's some celebrity. They can make things the way they want it to be." Summer shrugs and says, "Want to spend free period watching the guys practice basketball?"

I shrug and say, "Sure, whatever." I honestly do not want to go watch sweaty guys running around the gym with a ball in their hand, trying to make it into the basket. That in Summer's words is just eww.

We walk to the gym and sit on the bleachers. I can see that it's shirts vs. skins, and what do you know, Ryan is skins. I watch him talking to the four other guys on his team and I see the sweat that's already going down his body, glistening from the lights overhead, and I must say that it was a pretty good sight. Not that I'd ever admit that to anyone. "So…" Summer says, watching Ryan with fascination. "If you guys aren't together, then I can go out with him right?" She gives me this look that is anything but innocent and I laugh.

_My eyes adored you  
Though I never laid a hand on you,  
My eyes adored you  
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see  
How I adored you:  
So close, so close and yet so far away  
_

"You can go do whatever you want with Ryan." I say. Ryan and his team mates shout something about their team and smile at each other, slapping each other on the back. Ryan has the ball, and he's so focused on the game that he doesn't even see me. I'd prefer it that way for now, it gives me a chance to watch him. Besides, it's not like he remembers me or anything anyways. A high school senior and a freshman just don't go together. Everyone knows that, so why are the rumors being spread around the school?

Ryan passes the ball and the game is restarted. He runs down the court, and some guy with really short hair has the ball. He's a good player, but I hear that Ryan is too. I really could care less about the game though. Ryan's body was perfect…like really perfect. He definitely had muscles, but it's not too much that it makes it look all freakish and bulky. His skin is a perfect tan that I know you can't get even from getting tans form a tanning salon, which I know Ryan's not going to, but still. It's obvious he goes outside a lot and must go swimming or something because he looks good. His sandy blonde hair is kind of shaggy, but it makes him look so adorable to have some of it in his eyes. His eyes…they were blue like the ocean, and so mysterious and deep that I knew if I looked too long, I'd drown in them.

Someone scored, I don't know who exactly since I was in a trance, but soon I hear cheers and I snapped out of it. How dare I look at Ryan Atwood like that…it's not like anything good could come from it. I was starting to get up and Summer was giving me a weird look but I didn't care. I couldn't be here. I couldn't believe that I'd let myself look at this guy, I mean I knew better. Steve taught me better. I couldn't trust guys, no matter how gorgeous their bodies were. No matter how deep and blue their eyes were…no matter how cute their hair was. It all rushed together and I felt like I was suffocating for some reason.

I was raped. I was raped…I was raped. It kept going through my head, and Steve's words were echoing in my head. "Don't tell anyone or I'll kill you…you're a good girl…" I wasn't a good girl, I was dirty. I was dirty for looking at Ryan and I was dirty for Steve and I was dirty for so many things, so many thoughts, not just sexual. If Ryan knew the real me, he'd run away from me. I didn't need to be in his presence because he's this legend and I'm just this nobody who was raped and the two don't mix. I was in the middle of leaving too, but I felt his hand on my arm, pulling me back and I flinched and felt tears start to form in my eyes. In my mind, I was no longer in the gym, I was at home late at night and Steve was in my room and I was so scared and lost and alone. "Let go!" I yell, and yank my arm out of the person's grasp.

"Sorry." I hear a deep voice say and I turn to see Ryan. I sigh and instinctively cross my arms over my chest, a sign of non trust. He gives me this small smile and said, "So we meet again."

"My friend Summer wanted to come," I say, not wanting to give him the wrong idea. I'm not interested in anything to do with boys, not now.

He nods and says, "That's fair I guess."

"Atwood, come on, we have a game going!" One of the boys yell, the one with the really short hair. He glares at me and looks at Ryan expectantly.

"Hold on Matt!" Ryan yells back. Then he turns to me and shrugs, giving me a small smile. "Duty calls."

I start to turn when he says, "So, today…after school…"

But by then I'm already walking away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I'd have to say that I've only been really, really shocked twice in my life. The first time was when I came home and my dad was gone. I remember the look on my mom's face, one of shock and grief all mixed in. She wouldn't talk to me for a couple of weeks after he left. She said that I disgusted her, that I was just like him. I always cried myself to sleep, so angry that I had lost a mother and a father that day. One day though I saw my mom smiling, all happy go lucky and I knew that she would never bring up my dad again. To this day if I say my dad's name, mention him, or even see a picture of him, I'm grounded. My mom never told me why my dad left, but then again, I never really wanted to know.

The second time I was shocked, it was late at night. My room was dark, I was half asleep, and suddenly I hear this noise. I thought maybe I was imagining things, so I just shut my eyes and tried to sleep. I remember feeling someone's presence, smelling someone's scent. I opened my eyes, and saw a man over my bed. I could smell the beer on his breath, and I think a part of me knew what was going to happen next. A hand came over my mouth, clamping it shut, making my screams muffled. It hurt, more than anything had ever hurt before. That day I not only lost my virginity, but I lost my childhood, my innocence, my hope, my ability to love. That day I basically lost my life.

But enough of sad stories, when my last class of the day was over, I walked to my locker and was shocked by what I saw. Ryan was leaning against my locker, and everyone was staring at him, wondering what he was doing there. Some looked around and when they saw me, they turned and whispered to each other. I looked at Ryan, and soon his eyes found mine and he watched me walk towards him. I wish I could've run away at that moment, but I knew I couldn't. I needed my books for the homework that night and they were all in my locker. I took in a deep breath and got closer, Ryan's eyes following me.

_Carried your books from school,  
Playing make-believe you're married to me:  
You were fifth grade, I was sixth  
When we came to be  
Walking home every day over Barnegat Bridge and Bay,  
Till we grew into the me and you  
Who went our separate ways  
_

His gaze was burning holes into my body, that's the only way it can be described. I got this weird feeling when he looked at me, like maybe there was something more going on between us than what met the eye. When I got to the locker, he smiled and watched me open it, still not saying anything. I went about my locker opening, pretending like he wasn't there. When I was done, I closed it and saw he was still there, still watching, still smiling. Finally, he said, "Am I getting special treatment…or do you ignore everybody?"

I rolled my eyes and said, "I'm not ignoring you, I'm just…busy." I nodded to confirm my statement.

He laughed, his head going back, his face twisting into a smile, and he said, "Come on, we both know that's not true."

I sighed and said, "Look, is this some kind of special treatment, or do you bother all freshman girls?" I watched for his reaction.

He just nodded and smiled, "Touché."

"What do you want?" I asked, becoming annoyed.

"I want, to drive you home." he said slowly. "And if possible…I was hoping maybe I could take you to dinner…"

"No drive, no dinner." I stated. I didn't want to have to be alone with him. Being in this hallway with people staring at us was hard enough.

"Come on," He said, giving me his most charming smile. "You know you want to. You know that you enjoy my company, just as I enjoy yours."

I roll my eyes once again. "See, that's where you're wrong Atwood. I'm not one of these girls around the school that have low self esteem and are easy to get into bed. I don't fall for charm." I glared at him and said, "I don't fall for you."

_My eyes adored you  
Though I never laid a hand on you,  
My eyes adored you  
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see  
How I adored you:  
So close, so close and yet so far  
_

"No one said anything about falling for one another or getting someone into bed." He pointed out, his smile still there. "All I want to do is give you a ride home. One tiny, really short ride that will give me a peace of mind." He shrugged and said, "I don't know if I'd be able to sleep tonight without knowing if you were okay."

I sigh and look down before saying, "One ride, that's it. No more after today."

He shook his head when I looked up and said, "I can't promise that, but come on." He took my hand and I noticed how warm his was. It felt good. Then I remembered. Steve's hands. Cold hands. Very cold hands. I pulled mine away quickly and Ryan just looked down at his own hand, almost like he lost something. He didn't say anything though, I guess he knew better. When we got to his car, he opened the door for me, not saying a word but watching me with an expression that I couldn't understand. No one had ever looked at me like that before.

When he got into the car, he started it, but didn't leave at first. He turned and watched me, smiling slightly until I turned away from him. He started to drive off and I decided to say something. "So, thanks…for the ride."

"It's no problem," He said, and I turned and he was smiling, just like he always is when he's around me.

"Not many seniors will be caught with a freshman," I say, wanting to know what he thinks about this.

He shrugs, still looking at the road and says, "I'm not many seniors."

I shake my head and look ahead also while I say, "No, you're not. You're Ryan Atwood, star of the school."

_Headed for city lights,  
Climbed the ladder up to fortune and fame,  
I worked my fingers to the bone,  
Made myself a name.  
Funny, I seem to find that, no matter how the years unwind,  
Still I reminisce about the girI miss  
And the love I left behind..._

He shook his head and said, "No, I'm Ryan Atwood, his own guy." He turned and glanced at me quickly and said, "Look, I just like to play sports. I don't like being the center of attention, and I hate it when people look at me like I'm some super hero." He sighed and said, "I'm just a normal guy trying to do his best."

"Pretty deep." I comment.

He chuckles slightly and says, "Yeah, I guess." We're both quiet for a while, and I watch houses go by. There's something about being in a car that makes me feel comfortable, at ease, peaceful. My dad used to tell me that he'd drive me around in a car when I wouldn't stop crying as a baby. The car stopped, and I felt Ryan's gaze on me so I turned and looked into those eyes that I could get lost in. "Marissa Cooper, a freshman with attitude." He said, smiling a bit. "I like you."

I rolled my eyes and said, "You don't even know me."

He shook his head and seem to think about what he was going to say, and then replied, "No, but I'd like to."

I shook my head and took in a deep breath. "Look, I'm not really interested…"

"What do you have to lose?" He asked, a true question. I had nothing to lose. I'd already lost everything.

"I just want to know you. You're different, I know you are." He started driving again and then said, "I may not know what your favorite color is, or what your mom's name is. I don't know if you have a dad or if you have a sister. All I know is that you look at me, and I feel something that I've never felt before. You look at me not as some superstar…you look at me, and you see me." He paused for a little bit, probably lost in though and then said, "And no one's looked at me like that for a while." He ran a hand through his hair and was quiet. He turned, and I soon knew that we weren't heading towards my mom's house just yet.

_My eyes adored you  
Though I never laid a hand on you,  
My eyes adored you  
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see  
How I adored you:  
So close, so close and yet so far  
_

"Where are we going?" I ask softly. At this moment, I don't feel like getting upset. Here Ryan just poured his heart out to me, the least I could do is try not to always snap at him.

"To the beach." He stated, driving without looking at me.

"And why are we going to the beach?" I ask curiously.

He shrugged and asked, "Why not?" He glanced at me and smiled.

I smiled back too, a really small, but really genuine smile. It felt good to smile like that after so long. "I don't know…maybe I don't want to go to the beach with you."

He turned back at me and said, "What if you don't have a choice?"

"Are you implying that you're taking me somewhere against my will?" I ask. "You know, that's kidnap."

He laughed and said, "I wouldn't call it kidnap exactly."

I laughed too and saw we were at the beach. I also saw a lot of kids from school there and sighed, my smile turning to a frown. "I don't know if I want to be here with all these people…"

He got out of the car and came around to open my door. I stayed in, sitting there, watching him, and he leaned against the car and leaned a little towards me. "Imagine, it's just me and you, no one else." He smiled and took my hand and led me to the sand. We both took off our shoes and he said, "You know, I happen to love the water." He picked me up, me kicking and screaming the whole time, and dragged me to the water. I wasn't thinking about my mom, or my dad, Steve, Summer, anything really except for Ryan and I playing in the water.

And I think I can honestly say for the first time that I was swept off my feet.

_All my life I will remember how warm and tender  
We were way back then  
Though I'm feeling sad regrets I know I won't ever forget  
You, my childhood friend  
_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ryan and I played in the water for a long time, and then he left me standing outside of his car while he got some towels for us. He put the towel around me, and I was kind of shaking from both the water dripping down my body, and the nearness of a guy. It was a good and bad feeling, but right now the good was outweighing the bad by a lot. A whole lot. Ryan kind of dried me off, and I looked into those eyes of his, those ocean blue eyes, and we kind of stopped laughing. I felt my heartbeat quicken and I could feel the heat of Ryan's body against mine. He started leaning in, closing his eyes, but I turned my face and backed away. He opened his eyes again and seemed disappointed, but didn't say anything. "I should probably get you home," he said, a little sadly.

I nodded and he opened my door for me again, being a gentleman. "Thanks," I say really quietly. He just nods and goes to his side. His hair is wet, and it makes him look even more adorable than usual.

"Are you hungry?" He asks. He starts going through the glove compartment and says, "I think I have something in here…" He pulls something out and I see it's a lollypop. "Here we go."

I laugh slightly and ask, "A lollypop?"

He starts laughing too and says, "Hey, lollypops are good." He starts driving towards my mom's house, which is about two minutes away from the beach and says, "You want some?"

I nod, and he unwraps it. He hands me the lollypop and I suck on it, then I say, "You want it back?" I was joking.

We arrive at my mom's house and he says, "Yeah actually." He takes the lollypop and sucks on it, and I watch him. He turns to me and smiles, then says, "You know, that's basically the same as kissing." I blush and he says, "You look really cute when you blush." I turn to see him not smiling anymore, but staring at me.

"Yeah, well I should go.." I say, not saying anything about the lollypop or his comments.

"I'll walk you to your door," he says, making a move to get out.

I shake my head and say, "No, I can do it myself.." I get out and say, "So…thanks…bye."

I get away as quickly as possible, feeling his smile and stare as I walk to the door.

_My eyes adored you  
Though I never laid a hand on you,  
My eyes adored you  
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see  
How I adored you:  
So close, so close and yet so far_


	4. I Want to Hold Your Hand

**A/N Okay, so the song used is 'I want to Hold Your Hand' by the Beatles and is kind of Ryan's p.o.v. Thanks so much for the reviews from the previous chapter. It really means a lot to me. So R/R and enjoy!**

**Chapter 3: I Want to Hold Your Hand**

The minute I walked through the front door, I was bombarded by my mom. She had this silly grin on her face that made me want to yell at her. She gave me this knowing look and I glared at her. She didn't say anything at first, probably waiting for me to spill all the details about my afternoon and why I got home three hours late and just happened to be dropped off by Ryan Atwood again. I didn't say anything though, I just stood there, glaring at my mom for looking like an idiot, and waited for her to start talking, because we all know she will. And she'll come up with a story, which probably didn't happen. She'll ask me where we went, who we met with, what we did, but all the while she'll be forming a story in her head to gossip to the rest of the town about. That's just what she does.

She finally squeals like a little kid with a new toy and says, "Tell me all about him!"

That I wasn't expecting. She led me to the living room just like she did the day before and looked at me, waiting or an answer. I thought about it and then said, "I don't know…you've seen him before."

She rolled her eyes and said, "Everyone's seen him and he's hot." This made me wince a little bit and my mom was totally oblivious to it. "I mean…what's his personality like? Is he a gentleman or a total snob?"

I say, "He's a gentleman I guess. I've only really known him for two days."

She nodded and said, "Well, as long as he treats you well I guess it's okay if you go out with him."

Now it's my turn to roll my eyes and I say, "We're not going out."

She looks at me in disbelief and says, "Sure."

"Sure what?" I ask, getting upset. "We're not going out."

My mom stands up and I can see she's trying not to smile. "You deny it as long as you want honey, but we both know that you guys have something going on." She walks out of the room, but I go after her.

Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something  
_**I think you´ll understand  
When I say that something  
I wanna hold your hand  
I wanna hold your hand  
I wanna hold your hand**_

When I catch up to her I say, "Look, we're friends, if even that." I sigh and put my hands on my hips. "Understand?"

She brushes off my comment with a wave of her hand and says, "Uh huh, sure."

Now I'm getting really pissed off. Why doesn't anyone believe me? Why don't I ever get to decide anything in my life? I know I'm taking this way out of proportion, but with the whole Steve thing, I feel like I have no say whatsoever. I'm going to make sure my mom understands this. I grab her arm, probably more forceful than I should and say, "We're not going out."

She stares at me, shocked and kind of upset that I'm clutching her arm tightly and says, "Whatever you say. Stop being a drama queen."

I glare and sigh really hard. She stares at me, I stare at her, and then I finally say, "I have homework to do." I get my books and stuff and go upstairs, slamming my door pretty hard. It makes me so upset when she just feels like she knows everything. She doesn't know fucking anything.

Nothing at all.

She doesn't know what happens in her own house, right under her nose. She doesn't know that every night her stupid boyfriend rapes me. She doesn't know the pain I go through, all the tears I've cried. She doesn't know what I feel inside, that I want to leave this world so badly sometimes that I think of cutting myself. She doesn't know anything, especially not Ryan. Ryan is my escape, even if I don't want to acknowledge him at all. He makes me forget that I'm some fourteen year old with tons of problems. When I'm with him, I'm no longer Marissa Cooper, the victim. I become, Marissa Cooper, the girl.

For now, that's all I want.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I don't know how Ryan goes into school everyday with everyone staring at him and still manages not to go unfazed by it. When I walk into school the next day, everyone is staring at me. I really mean everyone too. Even the teachers were staring at me, probably just because they wanted to know what everyone else was looking at. Some girls were at their lockers texting on their cell phones, but the minute I walked by they just looked up and stared, their eyes boring holes into me. It made me very self conscious about myself. Was my hair okay, did I have something in my teeth, was my shirt inside out? I reached my locker without anyone approaching me, but he second I closed it, I saw Ryan.

_**Oh, please, say to me  
You´ll let me be your man  
and please, say to me**_

Everyone averted their attention to him and they watched him walk towards my locker, his eyes twinkling, his smile brightening up the room. He reached it quickly, not noticing everyone else and said, "So you left kind of quickly yesterday."

He leaned against the lockers and looked at me intensely. It made me kind of nervous. I swear he looks into my eyes and sees what I'm thinking sometimes. It scares me. "I uh, had a lot of homework."

He laughs and says, "So do I but you don't see me practically running out of cars."

I glare and say, "Well, for your information, I totally forgot that I was supposed to be home in time for a family dinner."

"Family dinner.." He said, smiling and looking off into space, making it look like he was debating it in his head. "Hmm, I don't think I've ever heard that one before…especially coming from a girl who happens to hate her mom."

"How do you know I hate my mom?" I ask suspiciously, raising an eyebrow. "For all you know, my mom could be my idol."

He shrugged and said, "I asked around. Story in the hallways is that your mom and you haven't gotten along since your dad left…"

"That's none of your business." I say quickly, not wanting to talk about my dad.

He shakes his head and says, "I want it to be though." He looks at me, searching into my eyes and says, "I want to know you, everything about you."

I shake my head and look down, thinking of Steve. Luckily he was off on a business trip last night. I look up and brush some hair out of my face. Then I say, "Trust me, you don't want to know everything about me."

I turn and walk away, feeling the gaze of Ryan along with most of the school on my back.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**You´ll let me hold your hand  
Now let me hold your hand  
I wanna hold your hand**_

When school is over, I'm relieved to see that Ryan isn't at my locker. I don't feel like dealing with him right now, especially not after our conversation earlier. He doesn't know what he's in for when he's around me. I can't trust him, I can't trust anyone. The sooner he realizes that, the sooner he'll be able to get on with his life. I grab my stuff and walk out of the school. I don't see Ryan outside either and I really am relieved now. He must have really learned his lesson now. I look around and see that Summer's dad is picking her up. Summer sees me and waves me over. "Come on, we'll give you a ride!" She yells.

I nod and walk towards the car and quickly get in, looking out the window the whole way. I think, which I guess I tend to do a lot. I think about the clouds in the sky and about how life just isn't fair sometimes. I look up at the blue sky and feel somewhat more at ease when I see it. The sky is always so comforting for me sometimes. It's one of the things I can count on. The sky will always be there even when things are completely crazy in your life. I'm so lost in thought that I don't hear Summer. "Hello, Earth to Coop."

I turn and look at Summer and say, "Yeah?"

"My dad just asked you how you and your mom are doing." She stated.

I look at her dad and give him a fake smile. "We're great, thanks."

He nods and says, "That's good." He is quiet for a little bit and then he says, "You know, I never see you around the house anymore."

I nod and say, "Summer and I have both been busy. High school is so crazy sometimes." I'm good at coming up with excuses. The truth is, I don't feel like Summer can understand what I'm going through. No one can understand what I'm going through.

When we get to my house, I thank Summer and her dad and then get out of the car. There's a familiar car parked near my house and I rack my brain trying to remember who it belongs to. I walk up to the front door lost in thought, somewhere I always seem to be lately. I open the front door and say, "Mom, I'm home!"

"Come here honey, there's someone here to see you! We're in the kitchen!" I walk to the kitchen and wonder who could be here to see me. None of my relatives talk to my mom, and my dad wouldn't be allowed past the front door alive. I don't have any other friends besides Summer and she just dropped me off. I don't know anyone else except…..

Oh crap.

I hear Ryan before I reach the kitchen. He's laughing with my mom and it makes me kind of upset. When he sees me, he stops laughing but still maintains his smile. "Marissa…" he starts, but I cut him off.

"What are you doing here?" I demand, crossing my arms over my chest. He has a lot of explaining to do.

_**And when I touch you i feel happy, inside  
It´s such a feeling  
That my love  
I cannot hide  
I cannot hide  
I cannot hide**_

"Well I knew you wouldn't let me give you another ride.." He starts, and he takes a step towards me. "And I really wanted to see you again…" He gives my mom a pleading look.

She nods and says, "So he came to the house and asked me if he could take you out to dinner." I sigh and really hope my mom said now. "So I of course said he could." She winks at me and says, "I'll leave you two alone, hope you guys have fun!" She quickly walks/skips out of the kitchen happily. I glare at her as she leaves.

I look at Ryan and give him a death glare and he puts his hands up in surrender and says, "I know you're upset…"

"Ryan, upset doesn't cut it!" I practically yell. I throw my arms up in the air exasperatedly and say, "Look, I understand that you want to talk to me and get to know me and all that, but you can't just come to my house and talk to my mom!"

He nods and says, "Yeah, I know, but…"

"No, no buts Ryan." I say, lowering my voice. "You have to ask me to dinner, not ask my mom if I can go." I sigh and put my hands on my hips.

He nods once again and sighs. "Look, I know you're really upset." He slowly takes a step towards me and he stuffs his hands in his jean pockets. I take the chance to look at him. He's wearing a black polo shirt and jeans with some black boots. His hair is all shaggy and so adorable and it makes me soften just the tiniest bit. "And I know that this was uncalled for and wrong…but let's face the facts…" He gives me this adorable smile and says, "You wouldn't talk to me if I hadn't come."

I sigh and say, "That doesn't make it right."

He nods and says, "I know, but I really want to talk to you…"

I roll my eyes and say, "What's so important that you have to come to my house and ask me?"

He gives me a sheepish grin and says, "I really want to take you to dinner if you don't mind…"

Now I really want to laugh. It just seems comical to me. Ryan Atwood, senior in high school, a big sports star, wants to ask me, Marissa Cooper, freshman with no extra curricular activities yet to dinner. And even more than that, he asked my mom's permission! That just doesn't happen everyday. I sigh and say, "Dinner only." He did come all this way after all…

_**Yeah you, got that something  
I think you´ll understand  
When I say that something  
I wanna hold your hand  
I wanna hold your hand  
I wanna hold your hand**_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay, we both get to ask the other five questions," Ryan says, stuffing his hands into his pockets once again. He looks at me for approval.

"Fine, but I get to go first." I say, looking out at the ocean. Ryan decided that he wanted to take me to dinner at the diner and then if I was up to it he wanted me to walk along the pier with him. He had so cleverly pointed out that we had to walk off our food one way or another so it only made sense that we walk together. So now I was stuck walking along the pier with him, which wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't still a little upset for him going behind my back and sneaking up on me at home.

He nods and says, "Okay, shoot." He looks at me and smiles.

"Okay, first question…hmm…You said you were adopted. Where are you originally from?" I waited for an answer.

He looks down and says, "Chino." There's a hint of sadness in his voice.

I nod and say, "So what happened with that, why'd you come?" I'm kind of interested now.

He sighs and walks towards the rail and leans against it. He looks out at the ocean and says, "My dad had been arrested when I was seven. I don't have many memories of him to be honest. My mom, well she was an alcoholic. She always had a bad taste in men and one day she met a really bad guy. His name was Charles Gonzalez." He paused and looked down at the rail before continuing. "He would always cuss my mom out and hit her, and beat me and my brother, Trey. Well one night, when I was fourteen, Charles came home really drunk. He started yelling at my brother and Trey just got tired of it and left. I haven't seen him since. My mom was mad at Charles and started yelling at him. Charles started hitting my mom and my mom yelled for me to leave. There was something in her voice that made me listen and I went to my friend Theresa's house. My mom must have really made Charles mad because I heard yelling all the way from her house and I tried my best not to cry. Atwoods don't cry."

His voice was kind of shaky, and I knew he needed some kind of support. I slid my hand on the rail over to where his was and held his hand in my own. His hand was warm and kind of rough but soft at the same time. He looked down at our hands and then continued. "So I stayed at Theresa's house and we were in her room, talking about school, trying not to listen to the argument. I hear Charles yell something about my mom being a worthless piece of…well you can guess…and then I hear this loud, piercing sound. It sounded louder than a firecracker that you pop on the Fourth of July. I remember Theresa's mom calling the police and I ran outside to see Charles leaving in his car. The cops came with the paramedics and the next thing I know, they're dragging my mom's body out. I'll never forget what it looked like. She was all bloody, and already dead. I went to foster care after that and I met the Cohens when Sandy was dropping off one of his clients."

_**And when I touch you I feel happy, inside  
It´s such a feeling  
That my love  
I cannot hide  
I cannot hide  
I cannot hide**_

He looked at me and said, "Does that answer your question?"

I nod and softly say, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's not your fault." He sighs and says, "Those things just happen."

"What's your favorite color?" I ask, trying to change the subject.

He thinks about it and then says, "Black."

"Black." I repeat with a raised eyebrow.

He nods and smiles. "Yeah, black because it's everywhere. It's dark….and the dark is everywhere."

"Black is kind of depressing." I point out.

He shakes his head and says, "No, it isn't. Really, what is life without black. It's like…there would never be light if there as never any dark. And black is what the sky looks like. Black makes the stars look shinier and more beautiful. Black makes everything look better."

I nod and smile. "I never thought of it that way." I think about another question and ask, "Okay, so let's see…have you ever had a pet?"

He nodded and said, "I once had a goldfish because my mom didn't believe we could take care of anything else." He backs away from the railing and I notice that I'm still holding his hand. He laces our fingers together and we continue walking. I don't know whether to pull my hand away or leave it, but I decide that for now this is okay. "We named it Bob. It was totally Trey's idea. Anyways, I was like six when we had it, and I figured that maybe Bob was getting tired of the water. So I decide to let him go and lay out in the sun." He started laughing and said, "Needless to say, Trey wasn't happy."

I laughed too and our laughter mixing together brought out some strange emotion in me. Joy? Was that what it was? I don't know anymore. "Alright, last question. What is your favorite thing to do?"

He looks down and then looks up and stops walking. He looks into my eyes and says, "Honestly?" I nod and he says, "Talking to you." He searches my eyes for some type of reaction, but I have none. What do you do when a guy says that to you?

"Your turn," I say, looking away. We continue walking.

"Hmm, okay. What happened to your dad?" He asks.

Yeah you, got that something  
_**I think you´ll understand  
When I feel that something  
I wanna hold your hand  
I wanna hold your hand  
I wanna hold your hand.  
**_

I sigh and say, "Well, he just left. One day I come home and he's not there. My mom refuses to talk about him so I never knew what really happened. I don't even know if I want to know sometimes to be quite honest." I look at him and say, "Okay, next question."

He nods and says, "Have you ever had a boyfriend?"

I shake my head and say, "No, I haven't."

He then asks, "Would you like one?"

I roll my eyes and say, "No."

I figure next he's going to ask if I like him or something. But then he surprises me, just like he always is and asks, "What are you running from?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

He sighs and says, "You're running from something. It's obvious in the way you talk, the way you walk. You're afraid of letting yourself go and being free. Why?" He glances over at me.

I shake my head and say, "I don't know." I think about Steve and say, "Just things…"

"What things? I want to know…I want to help you," he says softly.

"No one can help me, I'm already too far gone." I say in barely a whisper.

"Why? What's done this to you?" He asks desperately.

I shake my head and say, "Your five questions are up. I want to go home."

He sighs and says, "Okay."

All the way home we're both silent. Really, what is there to say?


	5. I Want You

**A/N So this chapter's song is in Ryan's p.o.v. and is called, I want you (She's so heavy) by the Beatles. Sorry I took kind of a long time to reply. Life has been so hectic. I found out a couple of days ago that my stepmom was pregnant but she was bleeding and they thought she was going to miscarry so I was depressed for a little bit and couldn't bring myself to write, but all is well now. She's fine, the baby's fine, and in like eight months I'll have another little brother or sister. So, thanks for the reviews..I think I got like seventeen for the last chapter. I love it when you guys review, it keeps me motivated to write. So please review cause I know you can and I hope you enjoy.**

**Chapter 4: I Want You**

Avoiding Ryan Atwood is like trying to stay away from the light...not that he brightens up my life, well, except for his eyes, but that's not the point...I mean he's everywhere. Try going a day without light, it's hard. Try going through a day without Ryan Atwood, it's even harder. He seems to be everywhere, like he knows my every move. If I'm at my locker, he's passing by in the hallway, if I'm in class, he needs to deliver some note from someone, if I'm at home, he's coming by to talk to me. It drives me crazy, but I'm afraid of talking to him after our whole five question thing the other day. I figured that I'd just let him forget what I said at the end, that I'd stay away for a while and he'd forget about me. Well, when I came up with this, I must've forgotten that this is the same Ryan that's always bothering me about giving me a ride home and came to my house and waited for me since he knew I wouldn't listen to him at school. So in short, staying away from Ryan is hard.

The day after dinner with Ryan was a Thursday. I woke up and got ready for school like any other day. My mom had informed me the night before that Steve wouldn't be coming home for two weeks...two whole weeks! Anyways, I was eating my breakfast when I hear the doorbell ring. The next thing I know, Ryan's in my kitchen and my mom is grinning at me like an idiot. "I was driving by and I wondered if you had a ride..." he said with a small smile that drove me crazy.

"Well my mom was going to drive me..." I say, giving my mom a pleading look. She mouthed, 'go with him, he's hot,' and I knew I was going to lose that argument already. I sighed and said, "..but, I'll go get my books and stuff and then you can take me."

The whole ride to school was silent, not even an awkward kind of silence either. It was actually quite nice to be in the car with Ryan, being quiet...not like I'd ever tell him though. He didn't ask me any questions about the day before...yet. When we got to school, we both went our separate ways and I figured that life would be okay as long as Ryan didn't pester me with questions about what I meant about no one being able to save me. I was so sure about this that I allowed Ryan to drive me home after school, and he was so nice, not asking anything, just making small talk and stuff about school. Stuff like, "Oh, yeah, I remember that guy...make sure to participate in his class and you're guaranteed an easy ride through the class."

On Friday things were different. Ryan came by again, and he drove me to school, but this time he started asking me questions. Questions I didn't want to answer. Stuff like, "So...the other night...you said some things...what did you mean?"

And I answered, "Nothing."

_I want you  
I want you so bad  
I want you  
I want you so bad  
It's driving me mad  
It's driving me mad_

And he was quiet. He backed off after that and we arrived at school.

Over the weekend, he came over to my house once. He wanted to take me out for a balboa bar and walk on the pier. Then he wanted to take me to the Bait Shop to meet some of his friends. It sounded a little too much like a date…something I didn't want or need right now so I declined. The look on his face when I said no still makes me feel sad at this moment right now. His eyes sort of lost a little sparkle and his smile faded some. "Oh…well…why not if you don't mind me asking?" He had asked.

And I had played with the hem of my pink polo shirt and said, "I have a lot of homework." When he still looked at me expectantly, I said, "Algebra's a bitch."

We both kind of chuckled and I can't explain the way it made me feel slightly better than I had all day. He smiled and nodded and said, "Well…if you ever need a break…just call." He handed me his number and then left, leaving me staring down at my algebra book, silently cursing Steve for everything he'd done to me to make me this way.

Ryan didn't come back over the weekend, and I didn't call him either. I told myself over and over again that it's what I wanted. I was finally relaxing too. I didn't have to worry about accidentally spilling the beans to Ryan that I'd been raped. So I figured that the space we'd taken from each other over the weekend would be his sign and he would leave me alone.

Wrong.

On Monday morning, the first thing I woke up to was my mom telling me that Ryan was here to take me to breakfast before school started. I was so shocked that I didn't even glare at her. That means a lot. So I got ready really quickly and then walked downstairs to see Ryan waiting on the couch in our living room. When I came down, he turned his head and looked at me and smiled in a way that made me feel like I just brightened up his day and I blushed because no one's ever looked at me like that before. He took my hand despite my protests and together we went to the diner and had pancakes. About halfway through the meal Ryan stated, "You're avoiding me."

I didn't look up and said, "Yeah, I am…or trying to anyways. You make it really hard."

He chuckled then and said, "Well, I try my best." Then he got serious and asked, "Why are you trying to avoid me? Have I done something to you?"

"No." I say.

"Then what is it?" He asks.

I shrug and say, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Does this have anything to do with what you said the other day?" He asked softly, so softly that I could barely hear him.

_I want you  
I want you so bad, babe  
I want you  
I want you so bad  
It's driving me mad  
It's driving me mad  
_

"Maybe, it's none of your business." I say, looking up at him. His eyes are focused on me and only me, as if I'm the center of the universe. It makes me queasy…a feeling I've never really had. Yeah I've felt nervous before, but this is a different kind of nervous. This one consisted of a fluttering in my stomach…almost like a butterfly. I've heard people speak of this, I just never thought I'd experience it.

"I know….but please, let me in," He said, and he reached for my hand across the table. I quickly moved it out of his reach and he sighed.

"We have to get going to school or we'll be late," I said, looking out the window. I couldn't look at him right now, because I knew that I'd disappointed him. And when you disappoint him, or at least when I do, it's horrible to look at him after you do. He gets so sad looking, so…what's the word?….he looks like a puppy dog. He has that puppy dog look about him that he doesn't even try to do on purpose.

We left, and he didn't say anything else. Neither did I. Again, I thought that this was all over and done, that he'd get the idea. Wrong. Again.

Tuesday. That was the day. He didn't come by my house before school and when I got to school the place by my locker was empty…well, not empty but he wasn't there. I thought I was clear and everything. Wrong. I was in class when suddenly there's this guy in our class handing the teacher a note. The teacher looked at me and said, "Your Uncle is on the phone."

I was confused. I didn't know that I had an Uncle. I got up and went into the hallway, heading towards the office when I feel a hand pull me into a closet. My first instinct was to scream, which I started to do when I felt a hand come over my mouth. This felt too familiar and I started to cry and sink to the ground. My holder released me and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you…."

I looked up and through my tears I could see Ryan. "Why'd you do that?" I asked, still a little shaken up.

"I wanted to talk to you. I have to know you're okay." He said softly, crouching in front of me. "I can't stand the thought that something's happening to you."

"Nothing's happening to me." I say, looking down at my hands.

He shakes his head and says, "Marissa, I know there is something going on. Just tell me."

"I barely know you." I say.

_I want you  
I want you so bad, babe  
I want you  
I want you so bad  
It's driving me mad  
It's driving me mad_

"You know more about me than most people do. I haven't even told he Cohens exactly what happened to my mom, they read it in some file. I've never told that to anyone but you. And you….you know what it's like to feel like everyone wants you to be something but you want to be yourself. You know a lot about me and I just….I want to know you." He looks at me sadly and says, "Marissa…please."

I sigh and look up at him, feeling defeated. "First of all, there's nothing wrong with me." When he's about to protest I put my finger to his lips and he immediately gets quiet. "Secondly, you have to trust me when I say something." He nods and I pull away my finger and he places his own finger on his lips, and I feel the flutter in my stomach come back again. "And third…you have to promise not to pull me into the janitor's closet anymore."

He laughed and said, "I think I can manage that." He held out his hand and helped me up and I feel this extraordinary feeling as he touches me. It's like…it's like sparks ignite and shoot through my whole body, like electricity. And I feel this warmth wash over me afterwards. I don't know what to think of it.

I don't want to think about it. Instead, I say, "So…my Uncle?

He grins and says, "I couldn't say your dad…"

I nod and say, "But still…and Uncle?"

He nods and says, "It was that or your long lost cousin Joe."

I laugh and shake my head, playfully rolling my eyes. "You're really something else."

He nods and takes my hand. "Yeah, I'm told that all the time." He looks at me and smiles, and this time I feel my heart flutter in my chest. It quickens and he opens the janitor's closet door and we both walk out, hand in hand. He walks me to class and it feels so good to know that someone cares.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_I want you  
I want you so bad  
I want you  
I want you so bad  
It's driving me mad  
It's driving me mad_

After school Ryan decides that he's going to give me a drive home. I don't even protest, because to be honest, I don't even want to. We walk out to his car and together we get in and he drives me to my house. He's smiling widely the whole time and it makes me feel great knowing that I'm the one who caused it. "So…tonight, do you want to go to dinner with me?" He asks, looking so cute and adorable and nervous as he asks.

"I don't date," I say, and he shakes his head.

"It won't be a date…we'll hang out as friends, get to know each other…and just happen to eat while doing so." He looks at me and pleads, "Come on, just one dinner."

"This seems familiar." I point out.

He laughs and says, "Yeah, it does. This time, I promise not to pressure you to answer any questions you don't want to." He looks at me and says, "You have my word."

I sigh and think about it, and we arrive at my mom's house. He looks at me expectantly and I say, "Fine, dinner as friends only. Nothing more."

He nods and says, "Okay, I promise. I won't be inappropriate or anything. Just friends." He sticks out his pinky and says, "Pinky swear."

I roll my eyes and stick out my pinky too. "Okay, good. Now…I have to go get refreshed and everything. Pick me up at like seven?"

He nods and says, "I'll be here." He smiles and I get out and walk to the door and then he drives away. I watch him leave from the window, smiling despite the little voice in my head telling me nothing good could come of this.

_She's so heavy  
Heavy, heavy, heavy _

She's so heavy  
She's so heavy  
Heavy, heavy, heavy 

I walked into the kitchen and found my mom. She was looking curiously at some cook book and when I entered she sighed and said, "I have no idea how to do this…"

"Well it's a good thing that I'm having dinner with Ryan then." I say casually. I know she's gonna freak out and it makes me laugh even though it's annoying.

"What? Since when?" She asks, wide eyed and with a big smile.

"Since about five minutes ago." I say with a shrug.

"So you guys are really going out now?" She asks, leaning her elbows on our way too expensive counters.

"No, we're going to dinner as friends, nothing more." I state.

She shakes her head and smirks, "Honey, boys like Ryan don't become friends with girls. They date them."

I shake my head and say, "Well, Ryan and I are friends, nothing more."

She smirks and says, "Whatever you say honey." She closes the cook book and says, "Either way, I'm ordering pizza tonight, so you guys have fun."

I roll my eyes and walk upstairs to my room, wondering if maybe Ryan wasn't seeing me as a friend but something else. Something that I didn't even want to think about right now. I shake my head clear of the thoughts and walk upstairs to change and get ready. Friends or not, I still want to look good.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_I want you  
I want you so bad  
I want you  
I want you so bad  
It's driving me mad  
It's driving me mad  
_

Ryan takes me to the crab shack this time. He's really cool that way. I hate fancy stuff.

Anyways, when we get there, he…get this, pulls out my chair for me to sit down. It's totally weird. You see it happen in the movies all the time but never really see it happen in real life. Most guys just want to sit down themselves and totally forget all manners, but Ryan's different, and I like that. As a friend anyways.

While I look through the menu, he sort of watches me. I can his eyes on me. It's weird, I can never really feel that before either. But with Ryan…it's like there's this connection between us that lets me feel the smallest things about the way he acts towards me. I look up and what do you know…I'm right. "I think I'll have a lobster." I say.

He nods and smiles, "Good choice."

He orders for both of us, and when we have our drinks…cokes, he looks at me as if waiting or me to say something. Finally, I say, "So…you come here often?" Okay, pathetic question, I know, but I couldn't think of anything else.

He nods and says, "Either here or the diner usually."

I nod and we're both quiet. When did things get so awkward? "So…what's your favorite sport?"

He thinks about it and then shrugs. "I don't know, either basketball or soccer."

I nod and say, "I've never actually watched a whole soccer game."

He looks at me and then says, "Well…you know, maybe someday you can come to one of my games…" He trails off and looks down, looking kind of flushed. "I mean…I'd love to have you there…"

I nod and smile ever so softly. "Maybe I will sometime then."

He smiles and looks at me, "Good, I'm glad."

"I'll be your good luck charm," I joke.

He nods and in all seriousness says, "I have a feeling that you will be."

We both are quiet again after that, not an awkward quiet, more of a comfortable one. Then, after a while I ask, "So do the Cohens have any children?"

He nods and says, "Yeah, a son. A senior named Seth."

I try not to laugh…but come on, Seth is probably the biggest nerd in Newport. "Really?" I ask.

He nods and says, "He's a nice guy. It's just…no one ever gives him a chance. Just because he doesn't play water polo or any other sport and happens to get better grades than everyone doesn't make him any less of a person."

I nod, suddenly feeling bad for my reaction to Seth. "Yeah, I guess…"

"And even though he likes to sail and doesn't have tons of friends doesn't mean he isn't hurt by people making fun of him." He clenches his fist and I can see the anger for everyone who ever made fun of Seth there. "I mean…people can be so heartless sometimes."

I nod and say, "I guess they can." I put my hand on his clenched fists and he instantly reacts.

"Have you ever been friends with a girl and haven't dated her?" I ask, curious for some reason.

He nods and says, "Back in Chino."

"How about now?" I ask, running my thumb over his hand gently. Friends do that right?

He looks down at our hands and says, "You're the only one…"

I nod and pull my hand away. "I thought so."

_I want you  
You know I want you so bad, babe  
I want you  
You know I want you so bad  
It's driving me mad  
It's driving me mad  
Yeah_

He looks at me, and then at my hand, and then at his own, and then back up at me. "What's that supposed to mean?" He asks softly.

"Nothing, I just didn't think that you…as a senior, had ever really been friends with a girl before and have nothing happen." I state with a shrug. I didn't really find it a big deal and there's no reason that he should either.

He sighs and says, "I have a feeling that this time is going to be hard." He looks at me longingly and I know how much he wants to kiss me…and I even see him move a little closer but then the food comes. He looks at it and sighs. I lift my glass and laugh at his expression of shock as I do so. I motion for him to do the same and he suspiciously lifts his own. "To being friends." I say, clinking my glass with his.

He smiles and says, "To being friends."

_She's so….  
_


	6. Do You Want to Know a Secret?

**A/N Sorry it took a while again. I was going to write, but then my grandma's computer, my writing computer, got a virus so we had to fix that. I'll hopefully have another post up by the end of next week at the latest because I'm busy for the rest of this week and I'm going on vacation after next week for Thanksgiving break so I won't be on. Anyways, thanks for the reviews, they mean a lot and keep me motivated. The song used is, 'Do you want to know a secret?' by the Beatles. R/R and enjoy.**

**Chapter 5: Do You Want To Know A Secret?**

Being Ryan's friend is weird. It has its ups and downs like every other friendship, it's just that, well, when you're friends with Ryan, everyone knows your name. If you think it's bad for Ryan to be after me, it's even worse for Ryan's group of followers after me. I will walk down the hallway and people who I've never seen or met suddenly are patting me on the back and saying hi. And then whenever Ryan talks to me at my locker or something, everyone is always watching, almost as if there's something really big that's going to happen or something. It's funny but yet so annoying. I wanted to be friends with Ryan and Ryan only, not the whole school. It's just part of the extra baggage I guess.

But the part with only me and Ryan…well, it's amazing. We've been friends for a couple of weeks now and Steve still hasn't come home. My mom says that he kept getting delayed or something with his work. I'm not one to complain about that. In fact, my relationship with Ryan is just so much better with Steve out of the picture. When Steve is here, it's like this looming cloud of darkness always over me. It's everything I see and everything I think about. But when he isn't here, it's all sunshine…well, not all sunshine, but it's a whole lot better. Without the threat there, it's a whole lot easier to trust people.

So when Ryan and I are together, it's great. We're just friends, I swear. You may think otherwise, but we're only friends. I plan on keeping it that way. I mean…being with a guy is the last thing I need right now. Ryan is so understanding about that though. He just seems to know that I don't want a relationship to get complicated. He usually keeps his distance. Well, except for when we hold hands. We tend to do that a lot. Our hands….it's so amazing, our hands fit perfectly with one another. And when we do touch, I feel this spark kind of feeling shoot through my body. Whenever he's around our he smiles at me, I get these butterflies in my stomach.

But we're just friends, only friends…

Friends feel that stuff right?

_You'll never know how much I really love you.  
You'll never know how much I really care.  
_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I walk out of my class and see Ryan waiting at my locker. I swear he's really fast. He sees me and his eyes light up in that way they do whenever I enter a room and he gets his goofy half smile on his face that makes my stomach do flip flops. I smile back and walk to my locker and get my stuff for over the weekend. Ryan and I decided earlier in the week that we were going to get a balboa bar and just walk down the beach together. Christmas is in a couple of weeks and the weather is just perfect for this sort of thing. "Are you ready to go?" He asks me, grabbing my books. I still refuse to use a back pack…they're too bulgy and they annoy the heck out of me.

I check to make sure that I have everything and look up at his eagerly waiting face. I nod and tuck a strand of my hair behind my ears and say, "Yeah, I think so."

He smiles at me widely and says, "Good, then let's get going." He carries my stuff to the car and inside there's a change of clothes for the beach. He hands me my stuff and says, "I need to go to the Cohens to get some clothes for myself so you can change there." I nod and he says, "Good." He starts up the car and we drive to the Cohen house. I've never been there, but he's always talking about them.

"Will the Cohens be there?" I ask, kind of nervous. What if I make a bad impression or something? What if they don't like me? What if they tell Ryan that he can never see me again?

Then again, why should I care? I mean, Ryan and I are friends, nothing more. So what if they say I can't see Ryan again, it's not as if we're dating and are serious or anything. I could make a new friend or something…

But, well, what if I don't want to make a new friend? What if I like Ryan as a friend? What if I want to continue being his friend for a really, really long time?

Then, of course, there's the ultimate question. Do I want to be only friends with Ryan?

_Listen,  
Do you want to know a secret,  
Do you promise not to tell, whoa oh, oh._

Don't you hate it when you have those kinds of thoughts? They start small, and then, BOOM, you've got yourself a deeper meaning kind of thing. It's so annoying sometimes…and then you find that someone is talking to you and you're not listening…like now… "Can you repeat that?" I ask Ryan.

He stops the car at a stoplight and looks over at me. "I said that the Cohens are at work right now and that they won't be there." He watches me and then smirked. "Lost in thought now are we? What were you thinking about?"

"Nothing…."I say.

He shook his head and laughed. "You were thinking about me weren't you?"

"Now why would I go and do something like that?" I ask him innocently with a small smile.

"Because you like me…" He says and I get really quiet. He must have thought about what he said because he quickly adds on, "…as a friend of course, but you like me nonetheless."

"Good save," I say with a small smirk.

He lets out a sigh of relief and says, "Well, you know, I do what I can." He pauses and then says, "So what were you really thinking about?"

"Meeting the Cohens," I say, deciding that I'd be at least a little honest. That is where my thoughts started after all. "I was wondering if they'd like me…"

He smiles softly and takes my hand, lacing our fingers together. The sparks shoot their way through my body, and then there's this warm feeling that spreads through me like a blanket, wrapping me up and making me feel a little giddy. "Of course they'll like you….I mean…I lov--" He stops abruptly and I kind of pull my hand away. "I mean, I like you.." He says quickly.

Was he going to say I love you? "I like you too," I say.

Did I want him too?

Stupid deep thoughts…

_Closer,  
Let me whisper in your ear,  
Say the words you long to hear,  
I'm in love with you._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After we change and everything, we go to the beach. I personally love the beach. I believe that going to the beach erases all your problems. It's just like the sand that gets taken to the ocean, or the way that your foot prints disappear after a little while because of the tide. Everything that you were, all your problems and fears, are erased, and you're left a new, refreshed person. At least, that's the way I'd like to think of it.

Ryan and I hadn't talked about the whole, almost love confession, but that was okay. If I had learned anything from the past month with Ryan, don't ignore him or try to avoid him. It's a whole lot easier when you don't do that. We got our towels and our sun block and went out and found a place for us to sit. I wanted to work on my tan and Ryan wanted to just sort of chill so it had to be a place a little ways away from everyone else. When we found a place that we both liked, we placed our towels on the sand and sat down. I started putting the sun block on and then turned to Ryan and asked, "Can you put some on my back for me?"

You should've seen his face when I asked that. He looked like a really eager yet really scared puppy. He nodded and gulped and I laughed. "What's so funny?" He asked.

"You," I replied simply, laying down on my stomach on the towel and untying my bikini in the back.

"How am I funny? People always say I'm not funny…" He said, putting some sun block on his hands and then rubbing it on my back. It felt so good for his hands to be on me, to feel and rub my skin. I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven.

"How you react is funny," I say, trying not to moan. He's that good.

_Listen,  
Do you want to know a secret,  
Do you promise not to tell, whoa oh, oh.  
_

"I can't help it when I'm around you," He says softly. "Marissa, I…"

"I think that's enough," I say, referring to the sun block. Yeah, it feels good. Yeah, I wish that he could do that all day long. But, I know that he's about to get really serious and have a conversation I don't want to have, not yet.

He makes a small groan, so softly that he probably thinks that I wouldn't be able to hear it. I did though, but didn't say anything. "Okay," He says, moving aside.

I look over at him and he's looking out at the ocean. I still have my bikini untied so I can't very well get up, but it gives me the opportunity to watch him. His sandy blonde hair is waving in the California breeze and he's leaning back on his two arms for support. His shirt is off so I can see all his muscles and it makes me smile just the slightest bit. I can't explain it, I really can't. How can a girl that gets raped kind of like a guy?

How can a guy kind of like a girl that gets raped?

Better yet, how can a girl hide that she gets raped from the guy that she kind of sort of likes?

And then, of course, if the girl tells the guy, how will he react?

It's all so confusing. It makes me get a slight headache. I hate that when I'm around Ryan I start questioning everything. It's so annoying. It's just so, hard….

Ryan turns and looks at me and gives me a small smile. I immediately forget my problems. I give him a small smile back. His eyes twinkle. I feel the butterflies.

How long does it take to fall in love?

_Closer,  
Let me whisper in your ear,  
Say the words you long to hear,  
I'm in love with you_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After we hang out at the beach, we decide that it's time to get something to eat. Both of our stomachs are growling and we both agree that the diner's cheeseburgers and chili cheese fries with a coke sounds really good about now. We walk to the diner and talk about meaningless things on the way. "If you could visit anywhere in the country, where would it be?" Ryan asks me.

My answer is, "New York." Then I ask, "Same question.."

He shrugs and says, "Do you get to come?"

I shrug like he just did and say, "I dunno, if you want me to."

He's quiet as he ponders this and then he says, "I'd like both of us to go to Hawaii." He smiles and says, "I hear it's really beautiful." He looks at me, and I kind of read it in his mind. _Like you._

I look at him and say, "Cool." Really what I'm saying is, _don't ruin it._

We arrive at the diner and Ryan orders for both of us. Then he asks, "What's your favorite meal and why?"

I think about it and then say, "Mac and Cheese because it's something I can make for myself." I pause and then ask, "What about you?"

He says, "I like grilled cheese. It's my specialty."

I nod and say, "That's cool. I love grilled cheese."

He smiles and says, "I love Mac and Cheese."

I smile back and say, "Well then it's settled."

He looks at me confused, yet amused, and asks, "What's settled?"

"We'll have to make dinner together sometime," I say and he smiles widely at me. It's the first time that I've ever really planned anything for us. Well, something that resembles a date.

"I'd like that," he says, and our food arrives.

_I've known the secret for a week or two,  
Nobody knows, just we two.  
_

We eat and continue talking. "If you could go back and change anything in your life, what would it be?" I ask Ryan.

He takes a bite of his food and chews, lost in thought. He swallows and takes a drink of his coke and then says, "I would have wanted to meet you a long time ago."

"There's no way that you could, we're three years apart in grades," I point out.

"It's something that I'd like to change though," He says softly. He knows me and what makes me uncomfortable, so he changes the subject. "What about you, what would you change?"

I think of my life, what I've accomplished, what I've done. I think of when I was little and my dad was still around. I think of when I got a little older and my dad left. Then I think of recent events with Steve and well, I think you can guess what I think of when I think about Steve. Then I think about Ryan, and how he's changed the way I think about life in just a month. I don't want to die anymore. I don't want to be alone, without friends. I then say, "I'd want you to meet me sooner as well."

He smiles and we eat the rest of our meal in silence. When we're done eating, Ryan pays, always the gentleman, and then we walk down the pier. We're standing pretty close to each other but we don't hold hands. We start up asking questions again. "What's the best way to travel?" I ask.

"You mean like by car, plane, or something like that?" He asks me.

I nod and look at him, his hair blowing in the wind. I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and wait for his answer. "Um, car," He says.

"Why car? Don't you want something fast?" I ask.

He shrugs and says, "I'm going back to the scenario of you and me traveling." He pauses and then says, "Let's say we go to New York like you want to. I'd want to be able to enjoy the whole trip with you. Sure it'll take days to get to New York from here, but I'd get to know you better." He smiles at me and says, "Besides, you're good company."

I smile and laugh softly. "Thanks."

"No problem." We're quiet for a little while, and then Ryan says, "I have a question for you."

"Shoot," I say, looking over at him.

_Listen,  
Do you want to know a secret,  
Do you promise not to tell, whoa oh, oh._

We stop at the railing and look out at the ocean. Our hands are on the railing, next to each other but not touching. Ryan takes in a deep breath and then asks, "What would you do, if I told you that I loved you?"

His question catches me off guard. I can't answer him, what do I say to that? "Um, I think it's time for us to go…" I say, not looking at him.

He puts his hand on the side of my face though and turns it so that I look at him. His eyes are so blue and deep and powerful that I can't look away. I feel like I'm drowning, but it's a good feeling. It's an amazing feeling. "Marissa…I can't hide it anymore. I've tried to stop myself from feeling this way, believe me, I have. I just can't though. Ever since I saw you I've had this attraction, and it's just developed more and more even though I've tried to fight it." He looks down and then looks back at me and say, "But I'm not hiding it anymore. I love you…and I expect nothing in return."

I feel my heart beat quicken, my stomach do flip flops, my body feels like it's floating. "We should get back, I need to get home soon," I say, but even as I do, I notice that I'm taking his hand in mine and lacing our fingers together. I notice that I'm smiling up at him, and he's smiling back at me. I notice that as we walk back to the car, I feel a warmth in my body that I've never experienced before, that I've never felt this close to anyone before.

But I won't act on my feelings, because that would be chaos.

And I also notice that when we get into the car, Ryan looks at me a little longer than usual, his eyes lingering over my body. I notice that I don't mind that he's looking at me this way, hell, I'm probably looking at him the same way myself. I notice that our hands fit perfectly together, like they were made to be that way. I take note that I never want to stop feeling this way.

But then, as we near the house, I notice a car parked out front. It's one I haven't seen for weeks. It's one I never wanted to see again. I notice that I take my hand away from Ryan's and he stares at me sadly, knowing that things are already changing. As I see Steve watching through the window, waiting my arrival, I notice that slowly, Ryan and I start to drift apart.

_Closer,  
Let me whisper in your ear,  
Say the words you long to hear,  
I'm in love with you._


	7. Don't Be Cruel

**A/N So I meant to have this up a while back but didn't have internet, and then was on vacation, then didn't have internet again…but now it's fixed. Sorry for the delay. The song I used is Don't Be Cruel by Elvis Presley. So thanks for the reviews and I'll have an update up ASAP. Thanks.**

**Chapter 6: Don't Be Cruel**

When I enter my house, I can already feel myself becoming different. I already feel like I'm crawling back into the hole that I used to be in, the one that makes me feel worthless. I feel that dread in the pit of my stomach. It's such a horrible feeling compared to the butterflies that I get when I'm around Ryan. When I'm with him, I feel as though I'm the most important person in the world. When he looks at me, I get this feeling that's unlike anything I've ever imagined. It's because of him that I come to my decision. As I see Steve smile at me and the way my mom smiles at him, I already know what I must do. If I don't, I fear that I'll lose myself and scare away Ryan, my new best friend. If I don't do this, then I'm never going to get better. I need to tell my mom the truth. I need to tell her that Steve rapes me.

When Steve smiles at me, I feel the anger well up inside of me. I realize then that it's possible to hate a person so much that you want to kill them. In that moment, I find out what murderers probably feel before they commit the act. I would never kill a person though, just imagine them dead. "I've missed you," He says in that annoying voice of his.

"Well I haven't missed you," I mumble. I kind of wish he could hear me say it too. I wonder if my mom hears me. I feel the rebellious teenager side of me come out.

"What was that?" He asks, his smile still there, his eyes narrowing. He watches me like a vulture, like I'm his prey, like he's going to hunt me. In a way, I guess he is. He's such a pervert.

"I said I have a lot of work to do," I say, starting for the stairs. The sooner I get away, the sooner I can call Ryan, my only escape.

"Yet you have enough time to go frolic with a senior boy at the beach," He states. I look back at him. His eyes are challenging. He doesn't like me with Ryan. It gives me pleasure to know that I do something that annoys him. He really needs to learn that not everything revolves around him.

I smirk and say, "Yes, I do actually. But I have spent all my time with Ryan so now I have none left for you two. I'm sorry, I really am, but you know, duty calls." I glare at Steve, my eyes just as challenging as his.

"Let's have dinner at least," My mom says, finally speaking up.

"I already ate," I say, walking upstairs again.

"Can we at least try to be like a family?" Steve asks, and I turn around.

"No," I state simply. My mom stares at me, her mouth wide open in shock. I've never really talked back to her and Steve. In fact, I've never even showed any signs of not liking Steve. I usually bite my tongue and give her my fake smile. I don't want to fake smile anymore. After being friends with Ryan, I rather like my real one.

_You know I can be found,  
Sitting home all alone,  
If you cant come around,  
At least please telephone.  
Dont be cruel to a heart thats true_

"Marissa, come back and apologize to your stepfather." She demands, tapping her foot on the ground and crossing her arms over her chest.

I shake my head and say, "He's not my stepfather remember? Or are you guys forgetting the part where he gets down on one knee and proposes and then you get married? Until that happens, I don't need to apologize. Until that happens, he can't boss me around. Until then, there will be no 'family' dinners." I finish my walk upstairs, leaving my mom and Steve to talk amongst themselves.

I'm halfway through my homework when my mom comes into my room. She does not look happy. "What the hell was that about?" She asked.

"I.." I start, but don't get to finish.

"He's gone for a long time and then suddenly you're rude towards him. You never were mean to him before," She says, pacing around the room.

"Mom.." I try again, but again, she interrupts me.

"And I just don't get what's gotten into you. You are not allowed to talk to adults like that. It doesn't matter if they're part of your family or what. Steve has been nothing but kind to us, taking us in, letting us live in his house so soon. Most guys wouldn't like a teenager in their house, but not Steve. He 's great with you. The least you could do is show some kind of respect… "

"Mom!" I say, louder than I intend to. It's just so annoying that she is lecturing me like I'm a little kid. She doesn't know the half of it.

She looks at me and asks, "What?" She looks bored.

"Steve rapes me," I state. My voice doesn't crack, my words don't sound shaky. In fact, when I say it, I show no emotion at all. "He comes into my room most nights and puts a hand over my mouth and rapes me. It's been happening for a few months now."

"Don't say that," She tells me angrily.

"It's true, he does do it and it hurts so much sometimes…" I say, trying to make her understand me, to see my pain.

"Stop making up stuff!" She says, her voice starting to raise.

I let my mouth drop open in shock. She doesn't believe me. "Mom, I'm not making this up…" I say, trying to let her see that I'm telling the truth.

"Don't do this Marissa, just don't."

"Do what, I'm telling the truth!" I say, raising my voice.

My mom walks toward me then. I think a part of me knew what she was going to do next. Her slap against my cheek hurts more than I thought it would. She stares at me, her eyes narrowing and angrily says, "Don't you ever say that again, or you're out of this house. Do you understand me?"

What the hell? Out of the house? I shake my head and look down, fighting back the tears of rage. How dare she! I read the Gossip Girl series about a year ago. In it, Serena's brother has a motto. Fuck em' he says. That's now my motto. I stand up straighter and look at my mom, her ugly, hideous face and say, "Okay."

My mom smiles and I want to throw up. Well, you know what, fuck you! I want to scream. Instead, I give her my fake smile and say, "I have work to do."

She nods and straightens her blouse and says, "Okay. I'm going to attempt make dinner for me and Steve. Are you sure you're not hungry?" I nod and she says, "Well then, I'll leave you to your work."

As she walks away, I want to cry. Steve took away everything; my innocence, my virginity, my ability to see the good things in life, my childhood, and now, he's taken my mom.

Ryan calls about an hour later and right away asks me, "What's wrong?"

I don't say anything at first, wondering how he can tell that I'm upset even when I'm miles away. "How do you know something's wrong?" I ask after a while.

When I close my eyes, I can see him how he must look on the phone. I see his hair in his eyes, with that brooding look that he gets when either of us are upset. I bet he's running a hand through his hair, wondering what could be wrong with me. And then I see him smile the slightest bit at my question and say, "Because, believe it or not, I know you."

I smile just a little bit too and say, "To think a couple of weeks ago that's what you kept begging me to be able to do."

_Baby, if I made you mad  
For something I might have said,  
Please, lets forget the past,  
The future looks bright ahead,  
Dont be cruel to a heart thats true.  
I dont want no other love,  
Baby its just you Im thinking of.  
_

He is quiet and then says, "I know it's only been a couple of hours…but I miss you."

I smile and twirl a strand of my hair on my finger and say, "Believe it or not, I kind of miss you too."

He laughs slightly and says, "Well I figured as much but I didn't think you'd say it."

"Will you do me a favor?" I ask in a small, far away voice.

"Anything you ask," He responds quickly.

"Will you just talk to me for a while?" I ask softly.

"What do you want me to talk about?" He asks softly, and I can picture him in my mind, lying back on his bed, a hand behind his head, the phone to his ear.

"Anything…just, talk," I say quietly.

He's quiet for a while, all I can hear is his breathing, but that's even comforting. I close my eyes and he says, "I always wondered what stars were for when I was little. They were so comforting and I found I would think about them in my free time. I loved looking up at the night sky and seeing them there, shining down. I always was most comfortable when I saw those stars. Before they taught us that they were those big, flaming balls in the sky I used to think that maybe it was people smiling down at us. I'd look up in the sky and wonder who they were and what they were doing. Someone once told me that the Indus believed that stars were peepholes from heaven and whenever our loved ones were happy, that's when the stars would shine. I always kind of was fond of stars."

"I've never thought so much about stars," I admit. "I'm more of a sunset person."

"What do you mean?" He asks.

"Well, I like to look at sunsets, and I feel the peaceful feeling. You know, the feeling that everything is okay?"

_Dont stop thinking of me,  
Dont make me feel this way,  
Come on over here and love me,  
You know what I want you to say.  
Dont be cruel to a heart thats true.  
Why should we be apart?  
I really love you baby, cross my heart._

"Yeah."

"Well that's what I feel. I like looking at the sunset because I know it's always going to happen. The sun is always going to rise and it's always going to set every single day." I pause and then ask, "So what happened?"

"With what?" He asks me, confused.

"What happened with looking up at the stars?"

"They got kind of depressing," He said with a sigh. "I mean, once we learned what they were, they weren't the same. And then my teacher goes and explains that stars burn out and basically what we see is not always there anymore. It's kind of sad really if you think about it."

"What is?" I ask. Stars are kind of nice, why does he find them sad?

"Well, when you really think about it, you can say that we all die. Even stars burn out," He says.

"I never thought of it that way," I state. I really hadn't. It's kind of a deep thing to talk about.

"Not most people do," He says.

I sigh content fully, totally forgetting about my mom and Steve. That's what effect Ryan has on me though. He can make me forget, and I think that's the best thing anyone can do. I look at he clock and see that it's getting late. That means Steve will be coming soon. "I have to go," I say sadly.

"Okay," He says sadly as well.

"So, um, bye…" I say, starting to hang up. Then I hear his voice.

"Marissa?"

"Hmm?"

There's a pause, a second's hesitation, and then he says, "I love you. No matter what happens, no matter how sad you may feel, remember that."

I smile the slightest bit and say, "I know."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When he comes into my room that night, he doesn't do anything at first. I just sit there, and so does he. We don't look at each other, we don't have to. "You told your mom," He states.

"yeah," I whisper.

"Why'd you do that, didn't I tell you not to?" He asks. There's not a trace of anger in there. He already knows that he's won.

"yeah," I reply softly.

"Well, answer me, why'd you do it?" He asks.

"I wanted it to stop," I say, a tear falling down my cheek. I don't usually cry when he's around. I hate to look weak, but now it doesn't matter anymore. My mom doesn't believe me. She slapped me.

He laughs an evil laugh, a laugh that I imagine the devil laughs and says, "Can't you learn little girl? You can be so stupid sometimes." He climbs on top of me and I already know what's coming. His rough hand presses against my mouth tightly and he stoops down so that I can smell his breath and whispers, "It will never stop."

_Lets walk up to the preacher  
And let us say I do,  
Then youll know youll have me,  
And Ill know that Ill have you,  
Dont be cruel to a heart thats true.  
I dont want no other love,  
Baby its just you Im thinking of._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day there's a red handprint on my face still. It kind of stings. I can't go to school this way, so I decide to lie. I call Ryan and tell him that my mom wants to take me to school today for some reason. I go downstairs and tell my mom that I'm going to school with Ryan. Really, I go to the beach. I walk down the shore, and then I go to a lifeguard station that I've always wanted to look at. I sit there and stare out at the ocean all day. I don't get hungry. I don't get thirsty. I just sort of sit there, wondering if anyone will ever find me. I decide that I'll sit here until someone cares enough to come look for me. I imagine my mom coming and apologizing when she finds out that I didn't go to school. She'll blame herself. I just sit and wait until I see the sun starting to set. Then, I see a figure walking towards me. I pretend I don't notice.

"I know you see me," I voice calls out.

I look at the figure now and see that it's Ryan. I smile a little. "You found me," I say.

He reaches the ramp and walks up, smiling at me. "I already knew where you were. I've known where you were this whole time."

He sits next to me and I ask, "well then why didn't you come?"

He looks at me and then out at the sunset and says, "Because I know you love sunsets…so why not come when I can enjoy it with you?"

I feel a shiver go down my body and realize that I forgot to bring a sweatshirt for the cool California night. Ryan comes to my rescue though and puts his arm around me, pulling me close. We've never actually been this close before and it's such a weird feeling that comes over me. I'm not afraid, rather, I like it. "How'd you know where I was?" I ask.

"You're always looking this way," He says, his gaze falling upon me. We both stare at each other for a couple of minutes, our faces just inches apart. Part of me wonders if his lips are soft…the other part tells me I should run for my life. Then, his gaze falls upon my cheek. "I take it there was an argument in the house yesterday?" He looks into my eyes and asks, "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head and he says, "Okay, then we won't."

_Dont be cruel to a heart thats true.  
Dont be cruel to a heart thats true.  
I dont want no other love,  
Baby its just you Im thinking of._

We both look out at the water, and I rest my head against Ryan. His arms tighten around me and he kisses the top of my head softly. We're both quiet for a while and then I finally whisper, "Thank you." I turn and look at him.

He looks at me confusedly and I kiss his cheek softly. "For what?" He asks, looking at my lips longingly.

"For, I don't know…being you," I say, looking into his eyes, those wonderfully amazing blue eyes. I know I could kiss him at that moment…I know that a part of me wants to. But another part, a more sane part, is telling me that I should wait. I'm not ready for all of this just yet.

He softly asks, "Can I kiss you?"

I shake my head and whisper, "Not now."

"Then when?" He asks, looking into my eyes. "When will it be okay for me to kiss you?"

I look at him, taking in his longing blue eyes and his lips. I shrug and say, "I don't know…." He starts to say something but I put a finger on his lip and say, "I'm not ready for that just yet…for what it means." He watches me curiously.

I remove my finger and we're both quiet, just staring at each other. Finally he breaks the silence and quietly asks, "Are you sure that you will want to someday?"

I nod and give him a small smile. He smiles back and I say, "I'm going to be honest with you…I kind of want to kiss you." His smile widens as my words sink in and I say, "But the problem is that I'm not ready yet." He nods and I pause, thinking of what to say. When I think of something, I say, "So though I can't tell you the exact day or hour or month even….know that all this effort that you're putting into making me fall for you isn't a lost cause."

He's quiet and then says, "So you're falling in love with me?" I blush and look away without saying anything. I look out at the sun setting and I feel Ryan's arms tighten around me, pulling me closer to him again. I rest against him once more and he kisses my head lightly and I feel butterflies in the pit of my stomach. He puts his face close to mine and says, "I can't wait until the day that you can tell it to my face…because I know that day will come sooner or later." I don't say anything and he continues, "And I can't wait until the day that you can finally let go of whatever it is that's holding you back from me and learn that when you let yourself fall, I'll be here to catch you." He gets quiet after that, and we both just watch the sun set peacefully.

It's weird when I think about it now how everything changed in that moment. In that tiny moment my whole life was twisted around. It's like, I was no longer who I used to be. In that moment I noticed that the sunset seemed more beautiful than ever before, almost like it was my first time seeing one. The sun wasn't just yellow or orange, it was so intense and clear and amazing. And the water wasn't just water…it was tiny droplets of heaven. The sand seemed so much softer when we finally walked, hand in hand, to Ryan's car. The feeling that I get when I'm around Ryan intensified…at that moment, I think I fell in love.


	8. Blue Christmas  Part One

**A/N so I wanted to post really quickly and here it is…this is only part one so I'll get part two of it up sometime next week hopefully at the latest and I'll put the song in there. The song is Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley, even if it isn't in the post yet. Anyways, r/r and thanks.**

**Blue Christmas Part 1**

It's the last day of school before our winter break. I wait for Ryan outside his car since he had to take care of something with some teacher and told me to go ahead. Since it's now December, the air is kind of cold and I'm upset that I left my jacket in Ryan's car and have no way to get inside of it. I look through the window and groan. It's like torture to stare at it and imagine it around me…so warm and soft. I try thinking of ways to get inside his car when I hear someone come up behind me. I already know it's Ryan and don't bother turning around. "Can you hurry up, I'm freezing!" I say, rubbing my arms.

He laughs and takes off his own jacket. "Here, this will keep you a lot warmer," he says, putting his jacket around my shoulders. We're close to each other now and again I feel those familiar feelings of butterflies and electricity in my body. My heart beats faster too, something that always seems to happen when Ryan's around. He smiles at me and asks, "All better?"

I gulp and look at him, giving him a small smile. "Yeah, much better," I say, feeling warmer already. I have to wonder if it's because of his jacket, or because of him.

He smiles and opens the door for me and helps me into the car like I'm a little kid, but it makes me feel so special that I don't say anything. I don't mind all that much. When he gets in and starts the car I grab his hand which is warm and rough yet soft in my own and hold it, lacing our fingers together. I like holding his hand for some reason that I can't explain, but it's not like he minds. Ever since my mother dearest slapped me, Ryan and I have just gotten so much closer to the point where I don't question myself holding his hand anymore. "So what are the plans for tonight?" I ask. I figure he's probably going to ask me to dinner anyways so I should just beat him to the point.

He frowns and looks straight ahead. "I actually have plans.." He says, not meeting my eye. He pretends like he's really interested in driving, but we all know that he's always looking at me when he's supposed to be looking at the road.

"Oh," I say, taking away my hand.

He sighs and says, "Don't be that way…you don't even know what the plans are."

I shake my head and say, "No, I don't…but I can imagine what they could be. You're hanging out with your friends…or the Cohens, who I haven't met yet. Or maybe you have some hot date." I smile at him, a genuine smile and say, "But it doesn't matter."

"It doesn't?" He asks, raising his eyebrows.

I shake my head and say, "Nope."

He seems amused by this and says, "So I could be going out with the hottest girl at school and you wouldn't care?"

I shake my head and cross my arms in front of my chest. "Nope, you're free to do whatever you want with anyone you want to because I'm not your girlfriend and you're not my boyfriend so really it doesn't matter to me."

He laughs and says, "You're so cute when you get that way."

"What way?" I ask, looking at him.

He continues laughing and says, "So…I don't know, when you get the way you are now. When you're determined, there's the word." He looks over at me and says, "You're so cute when you're determined."

I roll my eyes and say, "Whatever."

He grabs my hand even though I still have it crossed over my chest when we stop at a nearby stoplight and says, "And the plans are to go help Sandy and Seth get a Christmas tree. Seth likes looking for them at night for some reason. I would invite you…but it would be boring, believe me."

I shrug and say, "Okay. You didn't have to tell me that though…"

He smiles and I guess he notices that I haven't pulled my hand away because he traces circles over the top of my hand and it sends shivers down my spine. "I know…but I want to," He says. He starts driving again and then says, "Besides…it's not like I could've had a date with the hottest girl in school."

"And why not?" I ask, looking over at him with raised eyebrows.

He shrugs and says, "You keep telling me that you don't want to date me yet."

I blush and don't say anything for a while. I can tell he enjoys my silence and I finally say, "Whatever."

He laughs and says, "We're here." I see that we are at my house and sigh. Ryan notices the change in my mood and his eyes get intense like they always do when he's worried. "Is everything fine at home?" He asks me.

I nod and say, "Yeah, my mom and I haven't had anymore arguments."

He watches me for a long time, probably trying to read me. He nods after a while, but I can see that he's not completely satisfied. "Okay…well, if you need anything or just want to talk…you have my number." He gives me a small smile.

I smile back and lean closer to him and say, "I know." He looks at my lips and I look at his, my heart thudding furiously in my chest. I turn and kiss his cheek and say, "Call me later tonight?"

He nods and I pull away. I start to hand him his jacket when he says, "Keep it…I want you to stay warm."

"I have my own jacket you know," I argued, grabbing my own.

He takes my jacket and looks at it and then says, "I don't like it….it's not thick enough for you. I don't want you getting sick."

I shake my head and roll my eyes and say, "We live in California Ryan, not Alaska. It doesn't get that cold here."

He sighs and says, "I was just trying to help." He gives me that sad, brooding look of his that he always uses when he wants to get his way.

I sigh, he looks too adorable, I can't help but agree with him. "Fine, I'll take it." He smiles and I say, "I'll be waiting for your call."

He grins widely and says, "Don't worry, I'll call."

I nod and smile back at him, getting out of the car. "Bye."

"Bye.." he says, watching me, even after I close the door. I feel his stare on my back as I walk to the front door and enter it. When I get inside I see Steve looking out the window but trying not to look like he was and I roll my eyes.

"Wow, stalker much Steve?" I ask, walking past him.

"Where have you been?" He demands.

"Well you know, the usual. I went to a bar and had a few drinks then decided to walk on the pier and have a few smokes…then I went and saw my drug dealer and he gave me some coke. Ryan just sort of tagged along, encouraging me the whole time," I say sarcastically. "It's fifteen minutes after school got out…Ryan was giving me a ride home."

"It doesn't take fifteen minutes to get home," He states annoyed.

"We took a little longer at school," I state, walking towards the stairs. "See you at dinner!" I call over my shoulder.

"I wasn't done talking to you!" He calls back after me.

Where is my mom? I sigh and roll my eyes and say, "You mean interrogating me? Where's mom?"

"She's off doing errands," He says and I notice that he's walking towards me. "You know what I always thought was fun?" He asks.

I walk into my room and try to close my door and lock it but he's faster than me and he grabs my arms and pushes me down onto my bed. Crap. "What, raping innocent girls?" I ask, taking a wild guess.

He shakes his head and glares at me, then smiles his wicked smile and says, "No, I love daytime quickies."

As he raped me, I left my body. I imagined that I was flying in the sky, looking down at Newport. Usually I wish that I'm dead, or that I was never born. This time though, I imagine I'm looking at a sunset…and Ryan's with me. This time, I completely block out the pain. This time, I actually want to live through it all.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Being raped twice in the same day doesn't really make you feel that great. It makes you feel like crap to be quite honest. When Steve's done the second time late that night, I just lay there, staring up at the ceiling. When I was little I used to be afraid that there were monsters in the closets or under my bed that would come out and kill me. Then I stopped believing in monsters and everything was fine. Then I met Steve. Who knew that monsters came in the shape of men?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I'm usually really excited when I hear my phone ring. Not tonight though. Being raped once usually makes me feel a little down, a little bad. Being raped twice in the same day makes me feel defeated. It's a horrible feeling.

When my phone rings I answer it after the third ring. "Hello?" I ask tiredly. I lay down on my bed. I had just taken a really hot shower and was kind of hot right now.

"Hey," I hear Ryan say. I sigh. "What's wrong… you don't sound happy to hear me."

Oh gee, I just finished getting raped, sorry I'm not the most social person right now! I instead say, "I'm just tired." Could we maybe hurry this call along by any chance?

Ryan's quiet and then says, "Stop lying to me."

I sigh once more and say, "Ryan, I'm not lying."

"Yeah, you are. I know you and I know when you're tired and right now is not it. Now are you going to tell me what the real problem is?" He asks softly.

"There is no real problem," I state defiantly. I don't know why I'm arguing with Ryan. I'm freaking in love with him and I'm arguing with him! This doesn't make sense even to me. How can you love and dislike someone at the same time?

"Marissa…" he says quietly, then pauses. I wait for the rest of the sentence to come along, and eventually it does. "Look, I don't know what's wrong with you and I don't know how to fix it which annoys the hell out of me right now," He pauses and I giggle just a little bit, feeling a little better at his words, "But despite the fact that you're being a pain in the ass, I want to invite you to Chrismukkah."

"Chrismukkah?" I ask, a little confused.

He laughs slightly and says, "Yeah…Seth made it up. If you come I'll tell you all about it."

I roll my eyes even though he can't see me and even though I'm actually happy that he's inviting me say, "Now why would I want to go do something like that?"

He's quick to answer, "Because you love me?"

I know he's teasing, so I teas back and say, "Nope, not a chance Atwood."

He's not hurt by the comment because he knows deep down I don't mean it. He's quiet and then says, "Well then because you want to meet he Cohens."

I give an exasperated laugh and say, "Ryan, I want to meet them, yeah, but don't you think this is kind of a big step?"

"Nope," he says and I can hear the smile in his voice. "We're two friends right?"

I roll my eyes, knowing where this is going and say, "Yes."

"And friends can spend holidays together right?" He asks.

"Not Chrismukkah," I state.

"And why not?" He asks me teasingly. "Are you against it?"

"Nope, not against it…it's just not a holiday," I say, trying not to laugh.

"And who says it's not a holiday?" He asks, probably trying not to laugh also.

"Oh I don't know…I do," I tease.

"Well then you have to come over so I can sway your beliefs," He says.

I laugh now and roll my eyes. I think about it and then say, "Fine." What do I have to lose?

"Fine what? You'll come?" he asks excitedly. My heart soars at the way he says it too…almost like he's just won a million dollars. It makes me feel like the most important person in the world.

"Yes, I'll come," I say, trying not to sound happy about it. Inside though I feel like I'm about to burst with happiness. This means I get to escape my mom and Steve for a day and spend it with Ryan and his family. Wait a minute…Ryan's family…uh oh.

"You'll love it," he says.

"Ryan…" I say, suddenly a little worried.

"What's wrong?" He asks me, concern in his voice. I love it how he can tell so easily.

"I'm scared," I state, voicing my fear.

"Of what?" he asks confusedly.

"That the Cohens won't like me…" I say sadly.

He laughs on the other line and I glare off into space. "We've been over this…they'll love you. It's kind of hard not to…I speak from experience."

I roll my eyes and ask, "Are you sure?"

"That I love you, yeah," He says, knowing it's making me uncomfortable.

I roll my eyes and say, "No, about the Cohens."

He gets serious and says, "Yeah, I know they will, there's not doubt about it."

I'm quiet for a long time, we both are. I smile to myself, realizing that Ryan just made me feel so much better than I had before. Where before I had felt horrible and disgusting and dirty, now I felt whole and happy and warm. "Ryan?" I ask softly.

"Yeah?" He asks quietly.

"Do you believe in true love?" I ask. Don't ask me why I ask it but I do, and I mean the question.

He's quiet and then says, "Yeah, I really do. How come?"

"Oh, nothing," I say, smiling to myself softly, believing that if there is one person in this world that's meant for everyone…Ryan was mine.


	9. Blue Christmas Part Two

**A/N So I'm sorry this took a while. I tried to post this yesterday but it wouldn't let me and I was in a bad mood the other day when I was going to write it and all the times I tried to write before, it just came out as crap. So here it is, I hope you like it. Little preview for next post; Steve will be taken care of…for now. The song, Blue Christmas, doesn't really apply to this post, but it was the first that came to mind. Think of it as what could be if they don't spend Christmas together. Thanks for the reviews, keeping leaving them because they make me smile. If I don't post for a while, leave a review a couple of times if you have to…it makes me write faster, I swear it does. So I hope you enjoy.**

** Blue Christmas part 2**

Everything was set for Christmas…sorry, Chrismukkah. Ryan was supposed to pick me up at four in the afternoon and drive me to meet the legendary Cohens where I would eat dinner with them and get to know them. Convincing my mom wasn't very hard. Ever since the slapping incident, let's just say that the monster inside me was unleashed and I was no longer the nicest person towards her. She quickly agreed that spending time with Ryan would be great and didn't comment any more on the subject. That was fine by me.

Ryan told me that I didn't need to dress up fancy, so I just wore a red t-shirt with jeans and took a jacket with me. I waited downstairs on the couch for him to arrive. I wouldn't admit it to my mom, but I was really nervous. I had this feeling that something was going to happen, something big. I just couldn't figure out if it was a good or a bad thing. The doorbell rings and I quickly get up and answer the door. Ryan stands there wearing a long sleeved light blue shirt and smiles at me. "Are you ready?" He asks me.

"Yeah…mom I'm leaving!" I walk out with him and he has the biggest smile on his face as we walk to his car that I can't help but smile too. "Why are you smiling so much?" I ask when we're situated in the car.

"Because I'm really happy," He said, looking over at me. He grabbed my hand and kissed it, something he never does and I laugh. "What?" He asks, laughing with me.

I shake my head and ask, "Are you always like this on Christmas?"

"Chrismukkah," He corrects.

"Fine, Chrismukkah?" I ask.

He shakes his head and starts to drive off. "No, I'm not. It's just…you're here now, and it just makes this whole thing better. In fact, when I was little, I hated the holidays. My mom usually had a drunk boyfriend and he'd beat me and if I did get any presents or money from someone else, I had to give them to my mom so she could go sell them in a pawn shop. These past years with the Cohens have been great….but I never really felt that I belonged with them. They're great and everything…" He glanced at me and shrugged, "But they already had their traditions." He paused and then said, "But with you…I feel like everything's great. I finally belong…with you by my side."

I blush slightly and look down. "I'm sorry about your past…it must have sucked."

"I didn't really know anything else, so it wasn't too bad," He says.

I nod and we're quiet. "So the Cohens…are they happy that I'm coming?"

He nods and smiles. "Yeah, they've been looking forward to meeting you."

"Really?" I ask, sitting up straighter for some reason I can't understand myself. "They have been?"

"Yep, especially Kirsten," He says, smiling over at me. "Seth's a little worried that you won't like him and that he'll come off as a complete geek, but I kept assuring him that you're better than everyone else at school."

"Well I'd hope you would," I reply.

He grins at me and I see that we arrive at the Cohen house. I gulp and Ryan squeezes my hand reassuringly. I feel the familiar sparks shoot through my body and I smile ever so slightly. "Here we are," I state. I take in the Christmas lights and try to imagine what they look like when it's dark. I imagine that they'll have a magical glow.

"Yep, here we are," He says, looking at me. "They're going to love you," He assures me once again before getting out of the car and coming around to open my door. He opens my door and just sort of stands there, leaning against the side and says, "And even if they don't…which they will….I love you and that's all that matters."

I blush a deep scarlet color and he laughs. "Okay," I say softly. I notice that Ryan's little declarations of love aren't scaring me anymore and that I rather like them. It kind of surprises me…but in a good way. I don't know why it's so important for the Cohens to like me. Ryan moves and helps me out of the car and I say, "You know, I'm not a little kid…you don't have to always help me."

He smiles and closes the door and then takes my hand, laces our fingers together, and starts walking towards the front door. Then he finally says, "I know…but I like to." He stops outside of the Cohen house and looks at me. He smiles and leans in to kiss my cheek. "Thanks for coming," He said softly, his breath hot against my cheek. "It means a lot to me…"

I smile, feeling my heart thud hard against my chest at his nearness. It's so intoxicating that I have to take a step back when I say, "I'm glad to be here. I'm nervous, yeah, but I'm happy to be spending Christmas…or Chrismukkah with you."

"Really?" He asks, his eyes sparkling.

"Really," I reply, looking into his eyes. We just stand there like that, looking into each other's eyes, neither wanting to look away. Finally, I'm the one that tears my gaze from him and say, "We should probably go in."

He nods and smiles softly. "Yeah, we should." We walk inside, hand in hand, and I take in a deep breath. We are immediately bombarded by three people…the Cohens. Seth is taller than Ryan with curly hair and looks lost, Kirsten is smiling at me and it makes me feel comfortable, and Sandy is smiling as well and seems like a really good father. I smile shyly at them and Ryan says, "Marissa…this is Sandy, Kirsten, and Seth….guys, this is Marissa."

_Ill have a blue christmas without you  
Ill be so blue just thinking about you  
Decorations of red on a green christmas tree  
Wont be the same dear, if youre not here with me  
_

Kirsten is the first to welcome me. She sticks out her arms and walks toward me, and I walk into them and we hug awkwardly…at least it was awkward for me. "It's so nice to finally meet you," She says, pulling back. "Ryan talks about you all the time." She gives Ryan a wink and he looks down, clearly embarrassed. I smile at his reaction, wondering exactly what he says.

"Thanks…he talks about you guys all the time too," I reply politely.

Next is Sandy. He just gives me a side hug and says, "Ryan's never invited over anyone for any holiday before…not even a small one. The fact that he's invited you to Chrismukkah…" He gave me a warm smile and paused before saying, "Well, it means you must be very special to him."

It's one thing for Ryan to tell me he loves me in private when it's only the two of us…but when other people sense how much he cares, it makes me a little uncomfortable. Don't ask me why, because I can't explain it, but it does. I give him a small smile and says, "Well…he means a lot to me too."

Ryan, who had been staring down at his feet ever since Kirsten made her comment, jerked his head up and looked at me. I gave him a small smile, and he smiled back. The butterflies woke up at that moment and I felt really happy. Sandy looks at Seth and Seth looks at me and says, "Nice to meet you…"

I nod and say, "Nice to meet you too Seth." I think of what to say to break the ice between us and finally decide on, "So Ryan wouldn't tell me, said you had to explain it to me." Everyone looks at me curiously and I say, "What's Chrismukkah?"

Seth brightens up at this and says, "Well, I'd be happy to tell you…" He looks at everyone and everyone starts to laugh. Ryan comes up behind me and takes my hand, lacing our fingers together. I try to ignore the electricity and how hard my heart thuds against my chest as we all walk to the living room. I sit down next to Ryan, and he puts his arm around me. Seth stands before us all and says, "Well, my dad here is Jewish, and my mom is Christian. What were we going to celebrate…Christmas or Hanukkah? So the questions begin…" As he tells the story of how he came up with Chrismukkah, I found myself resting my head on Ryan's shoulder and his arm tightening its grip around me. I knew in that moment that there was no where else I'd rather be.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

We eat an early dinner at around four forty five and then I decide that I'll help Kirsten clear the table. She immediately is against the idea and says, "You're our guest, you shouldn't be helping clean up."

"It's only clearing the table and I'm glad to help," I protest, giving her an easy smile.

She looks at me and says, "I'm not going to win this argument am I?"

I shake my head and we both laugh. "It's better if you just give in now," I say.

She shakes her head and is still laughing as we clear the table. We take the dishes to the sink and then she slowly gets serious. She looks at me and I get nervous. Did I do something wrong? "I've been wanting to talk to you alone actually," She starts, putting our plates in the dishwasher.

"Oh," is all I can really manage at the moment. Did she not like me already? I gulp casually ask, "What about?"

She looks at me, stopping what she's doing and says, "Ryan."

"Oh," I repeat, wondering what she meant.

"He talks about you so much…his eyes light up whenever you enter a room…" She gives me a small smile and says, "He's in love with you." I nod and try to hide my smile. Kirsten watches me intently and then finally breaks into a wider smile and says, "And you love him too…"

I shake my head and stammer. "No, I mean, you can't…" No one is supposed to know of my feelings for Ryan because I'm not ready to act on them yet. I mean…I haven't dealt with the Steve issue yet so I'm in no place to go dating Ryan. I can't date him before I'm good enough to date him and with Steve…it just hasn't happened yet. But if Kirsten tells Ryan… "Please…he can't know," I plead.

She nods and says, "I wouldn't dare tell him." She gives me a side hug and then says, "But just know, he's never really felt for a girl the way he has you." She looks at me and gives me a small, motherly smile and says, "Whatever issues you have, I hope you can resolve them soon."

I nod and give her a small smile and shrug of my shoulders. "So do I."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Not long after we finish putting up the dishes, Ryan grabs my hand and pulls me aside. The Cohens are talking amongst themselves and Ryan pulls me towards the pool house. "Ryan…what about the Cohens…"

"I told Sandy and Seth that I was going to give you your present already," He said, and we walked into the pool house.

I had hidden Ryan's present in the pool house under the bed. When we get inside I reach for it and pull it out. He gives me a curious look and asks, "It's been here this whole time?"

I nod and smirk. "Yeah, I'm quite the genius huh?

He nods and laughs. "You have me there…I never look under my bed."

I giggled and say, "I figured as much."

_And when those blue snowflakes start falling  
Thats when those blue memories start calling  
Youll be doin all right, with your christmas of white  
But Ill have a blue, blue blue blue christmas_

"So what'd you get me?" He asks eagerly. I hand him the present and he opens it, revealing a watch. He looks at me and smiles. "Thanks."

I smile back and blush slightly because I've never given a present to a guy before and I really hoped he had liked it. "So you like it?"

He nods and puts it on. "It's perfect," He says, smiling down at the watch, fingering it.

"I got it for you because it seems that whenever I'm with you…" I trail off, afraid to say the rest.

He looks up at me and asks, "Whenever you're with me what?"

I look down, blushing deep red and say, "Whenever I'm with you…it seems that time just stops." I avoid his gaze, knowing that if I look up at him, I'll get lost forever into those eyes of his. I know that I'll go under his power and confess what I've been holding in. I'm deeply, deeply in love with him.

He puts one finger under my chin and lifts it up gently so I can look at him. I'm right, I feel all my control being lost. "I love you," He whispers softly.

"I.." I say, and I almost come out and say that I love him too, but then I regain control at the last moment and say, "I think it's time for me to open my gift."

He nods and the moment slips away. "So I really hope you like it…"

"Okay…" I say and Ryan goes to his drawer and pulls out a small box. He comes over to me and grins.

"I hope you like it…I didn't know what to get you…" He gives me a small, shy smile and says, "I've never really shopped for girls before."

"I'm sure you have," I protest, but he shakes his head.

"None that mean this much to me," He says softly and stares into my eyes. My heart beat quickens. He looks down at the box and I see it's from a jewelry store. "Anyways, so I wanted to get you something special…" He hands me the box and says, "So this is what I got you."

I pull off the lid slowly, wondering what will be under it. The top of the box comes off and underneath I see a necklace. Not any necklace though…it's a gold necklace with a heart on the end. And not any normal heart either…this one says, Ryan, on it. I look up at Ryan and see that he's watching for my reaction. "Ryan…" I say, that being the only word that I can form.

He pulls it out and avoids my gaze, probably thinking that I don't like it. "I thought you'd like it because it's gold," he says softly, still avoiding my gaze. "And I had them put my name on there instead of yours because I wanted you to wear it so everyone could know that my heart belongs to you…" While he talks, his voice gets softer and softer through the whole thing. I smile, feeling the butterflies working overtime. "But if you don't like it…I could take it back…"

I shake my head and put one hand on the side of his face so that he looks at me. My eyes search his as I say, "I love it. It's perfect…really."

The corners of his mouth lift ever so slightly into a small smile and he asks, "Really?"

I nod and smile back, saying, "Yeah, really."

"Do you want me put it on for you?" He asks me, and I nod. I lift my hair and Ryan puts the chain around my neck and clasps it in the back. The whole time, his warm fingers gently touch my neck and I feel shivers go down my body. When he's done, he pulls away and looks at me. I finger the heart and he smiles and softly says, "You look beautiful."

I blush slightly and say, "Thanks." Again, just like earlier, I look into his eyes and start to drown. They're like the ocean and I find myself being sucked to the bottom.

"We should probably go back inside…the Cohens are going to wonder what's taking us so long," He says, his eyes never leaving mine.

I nod and look away, trying to regain control. How does he have this affect on me? "Yeah, good idea," I say, standing up.

Ryan takes my hand, laces our fingers, and together we walk back to the Cohen house. When we reach the Cohens, they all look up and give us questioning glances. "What took you guys so long?" Seth asks with raised eyebrows.

"We were exchanging gifts," Ryan reminded them.

"It doesn't take that long…" Seth says and I look at the clock and see that it took us almost half an hour to exchange gifts. I blush and look down.

I walk to Ryan and quietly whisper, "See what I mean?"

He grins and looks at me, his eyes sparkling. Seth puts his arm around me and steers me away from everyone. When Ryan looks after us, a questioning look on his face, Seth merely says, "We need to have a talk."

When we're in the next room, he says, "So…you're in love with Ryan."

"Kirsten said she wouldn't tell.." I said, not believing that she'd rat me out already.

He shook his head and said, "It's obvious to everyone in that room over there. You guys are in love." He watches me and says, "Ryan tells me you don't want a relationship. Is that true?"

I nod and say, "Yeah."

He nods and says, "I give you two weeks."

"Excuse me?" I ask.

"Two weeks. In two weeks, we'll see you again…this time you guys will be together." He smirks and walks back to the other room and I follow him, a little shocked that he'd just come out and say that.

Ryan comes up and holds my hand, asking, "What was that about?"

"Seth just wanted to welcome me personally," I say, and Seth winks at me.

Ryan nods and smiles at me. "Okay," He says.

The next couple of minutes I'd have to say were the most amazing in my life so far, up to this point. Kirsten comes up behind us and points her finger to the ceiling and there, we see a mistletoe. Kirsten grins a goofy smile and says, "Mistletoe…you guys have to kiss."

"Kirsten…" Ryan says as a warning.

"What?" She asks innocently. "You don't want bad luck for the New Year do you?"

Ryan looks at me and my heart starts beating triple the normal rate. "We don't have to do this you know…" He says softly, looking deeply into my eyes.

I find myself taking a step closer to him, unlacing our fingers and putting my hands around his neck. "Now where's the fun in that?" I ask, and then our lips meet into a kiss.

I can tell that Ryan is shocked because he doesn't kiss back right away…but then he reacts quickly and puts his hand on the side of my face, bringing it closer. As we kissed, it felt like the whole world stopped in time, like fireworks exploded through the air, like the whole world was celebrating that this moment had come. In that moment, I was no longer the girl who gets raped by Steve. That girl somehow seemed to disappear in Ryan's arms, kissing Ryan's soft lips. No, now I was Marissa Cooper receiving her real first kiss to Ryan Atwood. Somehow, I just knew that with Ryan, everything would end up okay. It was the best Christmas present anyone could wish for.

_Youll be doin all right, with your christmas of white,  
But Ill have a blue, blue christmas_


	10. Love Me Do

**A/N So before I forget, someone asked me if I've read Twilight. At the time you asked I hadn't, but now I have and I see how some things are similar. I've only read the first book in the series. No one is a vampire in my story, lol. Okay, thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate them. The songs used is Love Me Do by the Beatles. So if I don't post anything else, which I probably won't, Merry Chrismukkah! I'll try to have something up by New Years. Thanks.**

**Love Me Do**

When Ryan drives me home about an hour after our kiss, my lips are still tingling, my stomach still has butterflies, and my heart is still thudding hard against my chest. When we had finished kissing, we'd both stepped back, breathless and grinning. I blushed a little, and Ryan's eyes sparkled, telling me that he had enjoyed it as much as I had. The Cohens had watched us curiously and I was sure that they knew that something important had just happened right before their eyes. We had sat down on the couch and talked to the Cohens for a while casually, and no one brought up the kiss. Then, I said that I should be getting home and Ryan had nodded eagerly, probably wanting a chance to talk to me alone. I know he was itching to know what the kiss meant for us, but I wasn't sure just yet to be honest.

So now we're at my house, parked out front, neither of us talking. Ryan is looking ahead, lost in thought, and I'm just sort of playing with my necklace around my neck. I smile slightly, feeling Ryan's name carved into it. Finally, Ryan looks at me and gives me a small smile. "So…" He says, probably wanting me to say something about the kiss.

"So…" I say, deciding to let him squirm a little bit.

"Anything you want to talk about?" He asks, and I know he's hinting towards the kiss.

"Nope, not really," I say with a slight smirk.

He sighs and says, "Okay, so, about the kiss…"

"Yes…" I say amusedly.

"What was that?" He asks, looking at me.

"A kiss…you know, I'm sure you've had a ton before," I say, still not getting serious just yet.

"Marissa, you know what I mean," He says, and I know that the conversation is going to be serious from this point on. "What did that kiss mean?" He looks into my eyes and I know that there's no lying to him now.

"I liked it," I say softly and his mouth lifts at the corners. "But, I can't promise it means anything between us," I continue and I sense the disappointment.

"But you're the one that kissed me remember? That has to mean something…" He says, his tone a little sad. "I mean…doesn't it?"

"It was a mistletoe Ryan," I start with a sigh. "It doesn't mean anything when it's under a mistletoe. I could've kissed Seth if we were under there." I look down because I can't stand to see how sad he looks right now, almost like someone just told him that his dog died.

"It's more than that and you know it," He says softly. When I look up at him after a while, I see that he's clutching to the steering wheel tightly to the point that his knuckles turn white. He's looking straight ahead at my house and I feel so bad. I'm not ready just yet, not when Steve still rapes me…but I know that I can't stay away from being with Ryan for long.

"Hey.." I say, putting my hand on his arm. He relaxes his grip on the steering wheel and looks over at me. I look into his eyes and say, "Look, I'm sorry that I can't say that we're now a couple, but I'm just not ready." He sighs and looks away from me, but I won't let him off that easily. I put my hand on the side of his face and turn it to look at me. "Look…you're my best friend believe it or not." He smiles slightly and I smile too and continue, "And I can't have my best friend mad at me now can I?"

_Love, love me do.  
You know I love you,  
I'll always be true,  
So please, love me do.  
Whoa, love me do._

He shakes his head after a while and says, "No, you can't. I'm not mad though…"

I smile and say, "I'm glad." Then I look down for a minute before saying, "And look, that kiss…it meant a lot to me." He smiles again and I say, "But there's one thing that I need to take care of before we can be together, and I don't know how long it might take." He looks at me curiously, but remains quiet. "But when I do take care of it…" I grin at him widely and say, "Our next kiss we share will be real."

He smiles and I feel happiness bubble inside of me. He must sense that I want to change the subject because he says, "So the Cohens really liked you."

"They did?" I ask with a smile, glad that we're no longer having a serious discussion.

He nods and says, "Yeah, they like you a lot, I can tell. Even Seth seemed to enjoy your company."

"That's good," I say, taking his hand.

He nods and says, "Yeah, except there's one problem."

I frown and look at him and ask, "What would that be?"

He sighs and shakes his head. "I still haven't met your family yet."

I raise my eyebrows and say, "So when you hung out with my mom waiting for me to get home didn't count?"

He shakes his head and I giggle slightly. "Nope, it has to be formal. The last time didn't count because she didn't know I was coming…"

"I didn't either," I reminded him, still giggling at the memory.

"Yeah, well, that's why it didn't count," He said with a smile. "Besides…I haven't met her boyfriend or whatever.."

"Believe me, you don't want to," I mumble to myself.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," I reply quickly. The last thing I need is for him to suspect something. I look at him and see that he wants me to say something. "So you really want to meet them?"

He nods and says, "Yeah, more than anything."

"More than anything?" I ask with raised eyebrows.

"Well, not anything…there is one thing that I'd like more…" I see where this is heading by the mischievous look in his eyes and I stop him.

"Fine, I'll talk to my mom about it," I say. He smiles and I say, "But now I really should be going inside. I think I saw some movement behind the curtain and that means we're being watched. I don't want my mom to be gossiping about me in her Yogalates class." He smiles and looks at me for a long time without saying anything. "What?" I finally ask.

He shrugs and gives me an innocent smile and asks, "I was just wondering if there was any chance I could get a small, goodnight kiss."

I roll my eyes and say, "No." On the inside though, I swear I feel so giddy. On the outside though, I try not to be. I don't want him to get any wise ideas. "But…I will give you a kiss on the cheek." I lean in and kiss his cheek.

He smiles when I pull back and says, "Well, they say beggars can't be choosy, so I suppose I'll take what I can get."

Again, I rolled my eyes. "Bye Ryan," I say, opening my door and getting out.

"Bye…call me about the whole family thing," He said, his tone serious once again. "I really want to meet them you know. Well, formally meet them anyways." He gave me half smile as I walked to the front door. I don't think I've ever felt this happy.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Love, love me do.  
You know I love you,  
I'll always be true,  
So please, love me do.  
Whoa, love me do.  
_

When I casually brought the idea up at breakfast the next morning, my mom was more than thrilled. She was really ecstatic about the whole thing. She told me to call and invite Ryan over for dinner that night. Steve, well, he didn't really like the idea much. In fact, he kind of scowled the whole time. Because of that, I grinned all through breakfast. There's nothing better than pissing off Steve you know.

Well, except for kissing Ryan, but that's different.

Anyways, so when I called Ryan, he was ecstatic too about the whole thing. He promised me that he'd be here on time and that he couldn't wait. I smiled the whole time as he talked about how important this was and that he wanted to make a good impression. It reminded me of how I was with the Cohens. When our conversation was finally over, I hung up the phone and thought about what would happen that night. Ryan would meet Steve…

Uh oh.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ryan arrived on time that night dressed in a nice button up shirt and jeans. It took everything in me not to kiss him, he looked that good. "Come in," I say with a smile and he follows me inside. He's fidgeting with his hands as we walk in and I take hold of one of them, lacing our fingers together as we walk to the kitchen where my mom and Steve are. His hands immediately still and he seems to relax beneath my touch. I smile, the butterflies working their magic. When we get to the kitchen, my mom smiles and comes towards us eagerly. "Mom, you know Ryan…Ryan, I'm sure you remember my mom."

"It's a pleasure to see you again Ms. Cooper," He says and she winks at me which does not go unnoticed by Ryan. I roll my eyes and Ryan smirks.

"The pleasure is all mine Ryan," She says, and they shake hands.

Steve comes up next and looks at me, his eyes challenging. "Why, aren't you going to introduce me?" He asks and I swear I wish I was a million miles away from him.

"Ryan…this is Steve, Steve, Ryan," I say, avoiding Steve's eyes.

Ryan looks at me and I avoid his gaze as well. He must sense something going on between Steve and me because I feel him tense up beside me. "Nice to meet you Ryan, I've heard so much about you," Steve says in that annoying way of his.

Ryan takes in a deep breath and releases it before saying, "Yeah."

I look up and see that Ryan's looking at me now and he gives me a questioning look. I shrug and he looks at Steve once again. My mom must sense the tension because she says, "So…I can't cook and didn't want to ruin the meal. I ordered some pizza, I hope that's okay."

Ryan gives her a small, forced smile and says, "Yeah, that's fine, thanks."

She nods and says, "Okay…well, I'll let you two be and I'll tell you when the pizza's here."

Ryan nods and I lead him outside, away from Steve and my mom and the tension. When we're there he asks, "What was that in there?"

"What was what?" I ask innocently.

He looks at me and sighs. "You know what I'm talking about Marissa, don't play dumb."

"No, I don't," I say, still feigning innocence to the whole matter.

"You and Steve okay?" He says softly. "What's going on there?"

"I just don't like him…you know, the whole step parent thing. It's like a rule that we're not supposed to get along," I say, looking away from him, avoiding his gaze.

"It seemed like more than that," He says, putting his hand on the side of my face so that I'm forced to look into his eyes. "Is everything okay?"

I nod and sigh. "Yeah…things are just a little tense between us. I don't get what my mom sees in him." I look into his eyes and give him a small smile. "You have nothing to worry about."

He looks at me for a couple of minutes without saying anything, as if he was evaluating me and deciding whether or not to believe me. "Okay," He says softly after a while with a nod. "I believe you. But know this…" He looks at me intently. "If anything ever happens…if you ever feel uncomfortable…you can always talk to me. I'll always be here, I'll always listen." He leans in closer to me and says, "I'll always protect you, I promise you."

I gulp at his nearness. As the wind blows gently, I can smell his cologne and it's intoxicating. I take a step back before anything can happen though and give him a smile. I'm touched by his words, I really am. No one's ever promised to protect me before. "Thanks," I say softly.

"No problem…It's what I'm here for," he says with a half smile.

"Oh really? I thought you were here for dinner," I say, trying to lighten the mood.

He senses that our conversation is over and says, "Yeah, well, that too."

I grin and say, "Let's go watch some TV or something…"

"Fine by me," He says, and we go inside, all thoughts of Steve forgotten for the moment.

Just for a moment though.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Someone to love,  
Somebody new.  
Someone to love,  
Someone like you._

My mom called us for dinner about forty five minutes later and I figured this was the time when we would all get to know each other for good. I was a little nervous, and I could tell Ryan was too by the way he was kind of quiet. "My mom will lover you…in fact, I'm sure she already does," I tell him before we enter the kitchen.

He shrugs and says, "I'm not worried about your mom."

"You're still caught up with Steve?" I ask. When he nods I say, "I'll have a talk with him to stop being so creepy…though I think that's about impossible for him."

He smiles and I go to find Steve. When I see that he's getting our plates, I walk up to him. "What do you want?" He asks.

"I need to talk to you…in private," I say quietly.

He looks at me, his eyes raised and says, "So you've finally come around and enjoy my company?"

"In your dreams, it's about Ryan," I say, glaring at him for making such a comment.

"Oh, yes, the boy," he says, almost like he's talking about some kind of bug that should be killed. "What about him?"

"He suspects," I state simply.

"Suspects what?" He asks, his eyes sparkling evily.

"That there's more than the normal hate between us," I say. I glare at him and say, "Look, Ryan believes me, more than my mom does. That means that if I tell him that something's going on, he'll probably do one of two things. He'll call the cops…" I pause to smile at him. "Or he'll kill you."

His eyes widen and he says, "Look, I told you not to tell…"

"Yeah, and for a while there, I was stupid enough to follow your instructions. Not anymore though. If you make a move on me again, even look at me with a small hint of lust in your eyes…" I glance to the other room, the direction where Ryan is, and say, "I'll tell him everything."

He's quiet for a long time as he debates my statement. He clenches his jaw and finally says, "Fine."

"Fine what?" I ask.

"Fine…it's over…everything," He says.

"Good," I say, a wide smile on my face. "I knew you'd follow the rules."

Just as I started leaving though, he says, "But mark my words…lover boy over there is going to leave and there will be nowhere to run. I'll stick around until that day comes."

I shiver as I walk to Ryan at Steve's words. Ryan wouldn't leave, I knew it.

Would he?

_Love, love me do.  
You know I love you,  
I'll always be true,  
So please, love me do.  
Whoa, love me do._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

All throughout dinner, my mom and Ryan chat away. Well, my mom chats away and Ryan just sort of sits there, waiting for his turn to talk, which never happens. Like the time that my mom brought up sports. That was an interesting conversation.

My mom starts by saying, "So Ryan…you play a lot of sports right?"

"Yeah-" Ryan starts, but is cut off.

"I knew it! Marissa over here isn't really big on sports. I keep telling her to go to the games so that she can meet some cute boys, but she just never listens…" My mom looks at me in disgust and Ryan looks at me and smirks. "But now that she's met you, of course I want her going to the games to watch you win us those games!"

"Well-" Ryan tries to start again, but of course, is cut off.

"Yeah, she really should go to your games. What sports do you play? Wait, don't tell me…everything except for Water Polo right? I never really got that game, just a bunch of kids in Speedos. But really…some of those guys…woo...they look hot! Don't they Marissa?" She looks at me and winks, I turn red, and Ryan nearly chokes on his pizza.

Let's just end the conversation there.

There were more conversations, a little less embarrassing…well, except for when my mom started talking about all those embarrassing childhood stories. I'll just not mention those conversations though. When we were done eating, we watched some TV, my mom giving a commentary. Finally, at about nine, Ryan decides he needs to go home.

I walk him outside and we kind of linger at his car. "I'm going on a trip with a couple of the guys tomorrow. We'll be gone a couple of days," He says, looking at me.

"Oh," Is all I can really say.

"Yeah…but I'll call and everything," He promises and I smile.

"I suppose I can let you go then. You really do hang out with me enough, I'm surprised your other friends don't hate me for stealing all your attention," I say.

He shakes his head and says, "No, they understand."

I just nod and we're silent for a second. Then I say, "So…I'm sorry about my mom…"

He laughs and says, "I'm guessing you take after your dad?"

I laugh too and say, "That's what I'm told."

He nods and suddenly he becomes very serious. "Look…there's something I've been waiting for all night…" I look at him curiously and he looks down at his shoes. "Um…well…"

"Ryan, just say it," I say, taking one of his hands.

He looks down at it, and almost as if it's giving him support, he says, "So…I was wondering if you would maybe go out with me when I get back…"

I look at him, shocked by his request. "Like a date?"

"No...well…maybe…" he says softly. "I would really like it. We could just go to eat and then to the Bait Shop or something, it doesn't have to be a date if you don't want…"

I smile slightly and say, "Well…I guess we could…"

His head shoots up and his eyes widen. "Really?" He asks, a smile starting to appear on his face.

I nod and say, "It sounds like it could be kind of fun…"

His smile widens and he says, "Okay…I'll call you then and we'll set up a day…"

"Yeah, that sounds good," I say, my smile just as wide as his. "And who knows…maybe you'll get lucky and I'll let you kiss me goodnight…." I back up and walk away, winking at him. I swear, it looked like he could faint.

That whole night, I went to bed and dreamt of Ryan, of our date. The best part; Steve didn't come into my room that night.

_Love, love me do.  
You know I love you,  
I'll always be true,  
So please, love me do.  
Whoa, love me do.  
Yeah, love me do.  
Whoa, oh, love me do._


	11. It Won't Be Long

**A/N The song used is 'It Won't Be Long' by the Beatles. Thanks for the reviews and I hope everyone had a Merry Chrismukkah.**

**It Won't Be Long**

They always say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I never really understood that…until now.

Ryan's been on his trip for two days. Two whole days. Two very, very long days. It's kind of funny to think that before, I would've loved to have Ryan stay away for two days. That was before I fell in love with him. That was before I spent every single day with him. Now though, I miss him more than I've ever missed anything ever before in my life. I miss his smile and his laugh and the way that his eyes sparkle when they look at me. I miss his adorable shaggy hair that gets into his eyes and I miss his voice telling me that he loves me. I miss holding his hand, the sparks that shoot through my body every single time we touch. I miss the butterflies.

And he's only been gone for two days. He calls, yeah, sure, but it isn't the same. Our conversations tend to be kind of nice though. Like last night, his first whole day away, he called me at seven forty nine. I know, I had been watching the clock. When I'd heard my cell phone ring, I quickly answered it. "Hello?"

"Hey," He said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

I let out a sigh of relief that he hadn't forgotten and said, "So…are you having fun?"

"Yeah, it's pretty fun over here…" he said, then got quiet. We're both quiet for a minute before he continues and says, "But to be honest…I'm kind of missing you right now."

I smiled, feeling happiness from the tips of my toes to the end of my hair. "I miss you too," I said.

"Well, we both have a problem here then huh?" He asked in an amused tone.

"Yep, a major one," I reply, giggling slightly.

"So you're telling me that you, Marissa Cooper, miss me, Ryan Atwood?" He asks with a chuckle. "I never thought I'd live to see the day."

I rolled my eyes, even though it's true and said, "Don't let it get to your head. I don't want you getting overly confident when we see each other again."

He doesn't say anything at first, and I know what he's thinking. Our date. "Hmm…speaking of when we see each other again…" He starts, trailing off.

_It won't be long yeh, yeh, yeh  
It won't be long yeh, yeh, yeh  
It won't be long yeh, till I belong to you  
_

"Yes?" I asked, amused by his approach.

"Well, you know that thing that you said we'd do?" He asked, hinting at the date.

I of course, make him squirm. "What thing?"

He sighed and said, "Well…you know…what you said we could do when we said goodbye after I had dinner with you and your mom and that Steve guy…"

That Steve guy, I love that name. Anyways, that's not what's important here. "Um…no, refresh my memory," I said, trying not to laugh.

He sighs and takes a different approach. "Well, you said we could go out on a date…"

"Yeah, I remember that," I said, smiling.

"Are we still on for that?" He asked.

"Why wouldn't we be?" Was my reply.

Then, I could imagine him smiling as he said, "I don't know…I was just making sure."

That's when I decide to get serious about the whole matter. "Don't worry…I wouldn't be able to break our date that easily Ryan."

"And why not?" He asked.

"Because…" I said, smiling a little into the phone. "I'm looking forward to it just as much as you are."

"You are?" He asked.

"Yep," I replied. "More than you know."

We were both quiet, completely content with just the sound of our loved one breathing on the other side of the line for a while. Then, Ryan sighed and said, "Marissa…I have to go. Seth is ready to go out…"

_Every night when everybody has fun  
Here am I sitting all on my own  
_

"And where exactly are you going out to?" I asked, not liking the idea of Ryan out with the guys doing 'guy things.'

"Seth wants to go to the comic book store or something…" Ryan said, and I can sense that he was rolling his eyes. "I'm really sorry.." He said.

I just smiled, relieved that he wasn't going out to meet girls or anything. "Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"Definitely," He said, and then hung up.

Today, he calls at ten twenty five. I'm a bit worried as to why he calls so late because I really don't like the idea of him being with all his friends in another city away from me, off partying like an animal. Then again, Ryan doesn't strike me as the partying time. Then again, I could just be making myself feel better. Either way, I answer on the first ring when he calls. "Ryan?"

"Hey, sorry I called so late, we got held up," He says, sounding distracted.

"It's okay," I say sadly.

I hear a lot of noise in the background and I feel really depressed by the thought that he's out partying and I've been home all night waiting for his call. "So how are you?" He asks.

"I'm fine I guess," I say glumly.

"Hey…what's wrong?" He asks, and I hear the concern in his voice. It makes me feel a little better…only a little though.

"Nothing," I mumble.

"Come on, I know you and when you're upset. You can tell me," He says.

"You're out partying aren't you?" I ask, deciding to talk about it.

"No," He replies, but even I can tell it's a lie.

"Ryan, it's okay if you party," I say, annoyed that he's lying with me.

"You wouldn't be mad?" He asks, a trick question to me. He wants me to say no, but knows that I'll say yes. Damn, what to do..

I finally decide to say, "Well, it doesn't matter what I think because I'm not technically your girlfriend anyways."

He's quiet and then everything gets quiet and I begin to think he hung up when I hear his voice, tiny and sad, "What's wrong Marissa?"

"Nothing's wrong," I say.

_It won't be long yeh, yeh, yeh  
It won't be long yeh, yeh, yeh  
It won't be long yeh, till I belong to you  
_

"I know something's wrong…now will you just stop lying to me?" He asks, his voice pleading.

"Like you're lying to me about partying?" I shoot back.

He sighs and says, "Look…I don't know what your problem is."

Sad thing is, I don't know either. I would never tell him that though, so I settle for, "I don't have a problem, so why don't you go party with all your guy friends and get really wasted and end up hooking up with some random slut?" It's only after I say it that I realize that I shouldn't have said it after all. I really should think before I talk sometimes.

"Is that what you think I'll do?" He asks softly. "Just go hook up with a random?"

"No…" I say quietly, feeling really bad.

He's quiet and I hear him sigh on the other line. "Wow, thanks for having a lot of faith in me," He finally says after a while. He says it really sadly too, like I just disappointed him.

"Well…" I say, but realize I have nothing to say to that. I didn't trust him for some reason. This is Ryan…why didn't I trust him? I can't understand my own reasoning. Stupid!

"Marissa…how many times do I have to say it? I love you," He says softly, and I feel butterflies in my stomach again. Weird how just his voice can make me feel comfortable and at ease. "I don't need anyone else, especially not a random girl. I just need you."

"Ryan…I…" I say, debating whether or not I should say I love you.

"You what?" He asks tiredly, probably expecting for me to disappoint him again.

"I…can't wait for our date," I get out. I'm just not ready to say those three words out loud yet.

I hear the slight smile in his voice as he says, "Good, we just have to wait until tomorrow night."

"Good night Ryan," I say softly.

"Good night Marissa," He replies, and then we both hang up and I marvel at how much I love him. As I go to sleep that night, I can't wait until the next day for our date.

_Since you left me, I'm so alone  
Now you're coming, you're coming on home  
I'll be good like I know I should  
You're coming home, you're coming home  
_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day I'm so nervous that I barely eat. My mom asks me what's wrong and my reply is, "I'm going on a date with Ryan tonight…"

My mom had a full freak out.

"Oh my God!" She says, throwing her hands in the air and then hugs me. "I can't believe this…well, I can believe it…but still!"

I roll my eyes and say, "yeah…"

She doesn't listen or see me though because she's still repeating, "Oh my God…Oh my God!"

"Mom, I'm pretty sure God gets it now," I say, trying to get her to shut up.

She glares at me and says, "I hope that you aren't this way with Ryan."

I glare and say, "Whatever."

She glares back and then walks upstairs. I still hear her repeating, Oh my God! I swear she's so annoying sometimes. Anyways, after that unfortunate incident, I look at the clock and realize that Ryan's coming in an hour. I quickly got up and ran to take a shower and got dressed and ready. I decide to wear my hair down and when I debate on what to wear, I figure that we're just going to dinner so I decide to put on my jeans and pink polo shirt. When Ryan rings the doorbell, I smile and go answer the door. After not seeing him for a couple of days, I can't help myself. "Ryan…" I say, giving him a hug. He seems shocked at first, but before long he wraps his arms around me and holds me. I relax immediately at his touch, no longer nervous that we're going on our first date. I've been out with Ryan tons of times before…it's just that now it's official.

Ryan reluctantly pulls back after several minutes pass by and smiles widely at me. "Hey…I've missed you."

I smile back at him and he takes my hand in his and I lace our fingers together. "I've missed you too," I admit.

"Are you ready to go?" He asks me.

I nod and say, "Yeah, I am."

So our first date officially begins!

_Every night the tears come down from my eyes  
Every day I've done nothing but cry _

It won't be long yeh, yeh, yeh  
It won't be long yeh, yeh, yeh  
It won't be long yeh, till I belong to you  


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He takes me to the diner for dinner. We order the usual, cheeseburgers, chili cheese fries, and this time we decide to order a milkshake and share it along with our cokes. We hold hands as we talk, and our eyes never stray from the other person's face. If there was anyone that showed what people in love looked like, it would be Ryan and I, except of course I haven't told him that I love him just yet. Regardless though, I felt so alive and in love at that moment, looking into Ryan's eyes, talking about what I did when he was away.

"So…anything interesting happen while I was away?" Ryan asks me.

I shake my head and say, "No. My mom had a freak out when she found out we were going on a date, but that's about it." I smile at him.

He smiles back and says, "Well, the Cohens were thrilled about the whole thing…and Seth said something weird about winning a bet?" I giggle, remembering what Seth had said at Christmas. Ryan watches me curiously and asks, "What bet exactly is he talking about?"

"Oh nothing…" I say, a sly smile on my face.

Ryan raises his eyebrows and says, "Really, what was the bet?"

"Nothing," I say, rubbing my thumb over his hand, feeing the electricity shooting through my body.

He looks down at our hands and then back up at me. "So…" He says.

"So…" I repeat.

"How are you enjoying our date?" He asks, looking a little nervous.

I give him a smile and say, "It's okay I suppose…" I love to tease him.

"Just okay?" He asks.

"Yeah, it's okay," I repeat, grinning at him.

"Well, what would it take for me to impress you?" He asks.

"I don't know…I guess you'll have to find out on your own," I reply, just our food arrives.

When the waitress leaves, Ryan looks at me, his eyes sparkling and says, "Plan to be amazed."

"Oh, I doubt that will happen," I tease.

He winks at me and says, "I'm sure it will. I just have a special charm about me that you know you love."

"Oh really?" I ask, eating a fry.

He nods and says, "I'm just irresistible to you, I know. You don't have to deny it any longer you know." As he says it, his voice is teasing…but his eyes tell a different story. They're telling me that it's okay to let go and feel what I want to feel.

_Since you left me, I'm so alone  
Now you're coming, you're coming on home  
I'll be good like I know I should  
You're coming home, you're coming home  
_

I squeeze his hand and say, "Yeah, sure." What I'm really saying though is that I'm starting to let myself feel those feelings.

We eat in a comfortable silence, an occasional story being told about what Seth or one of Ryan's friends did on their trip. I found out that they went to LA for a couple of days. I was a little uneasy still about the whole thing, especially when Ryan said that a group of girls from school had gone with them, but Ryan didn't sense any of my uneasiness. He just went on talking about how out of place Seth looked and how much fun he'd had. I didn't tell him about my sad couple of days without him though. No need to share that. When we were done eating and pay, Ryan looks at me and asks, "So…do you want to go to the Bait Shop?"

"Uh, sure," I reply, and we stand and walk away. It's not along walk to the Bait Shop and it's pretty nice outside I guess. It was a little chilly, even with my jacket, but Ryan took care of that by putting his arm around me. I, of course, immediately was warm.

When we reached the Bait Shop, we heard that they were playing some hip hope stuff that I don't really like and don't happen to know the name of. We walked through the crowd, and then Ryan saw Seth with a couple of Ryan's friends. Seth looked out of place and Ryan's friends looked kind of bored with Seth, but I knew that Ryan made them make an effort anyways. We reached them and Ryan smiled at his friends, then looked at me and grabbed my hand. I was introduced to Luke, Oliver, and DJ. Then I was introduced to a girl that went on the trip with the guys that happened to be smiling really flirtatiously at Ryan. "Hi Ryan…" She says, putting her hand on his arm and rubbing it up and down.

Ryan is completely oblivious to the whole thing and just sort of gives her a small, uncomfortable smile. "Hi Taylor."

Taylor looks at me and kind of rolls her eyes and then looks back at Ryan. "So…what brings you here?"

"I'm on a date," He replies.

Taylor sighs and says, "Oh."

"Yeah," he says, and then starts talking to his friends about some basketball team. I sigh and take a seat.

Seth looked at me and gave me a smile so I smiled back. He wasn't Ryan, I wasn't on a date with him, but he seemed just as bored by all the sports talk as me, so I leaned in close so he could hear me above all the random music and talking and said, "So…you won."

He smirked and said, "I knew I would." He looked at Ryan and rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry about him…his friends expect him to always be excited about sports. I always kind of sit back like this and let them talk. Ryan will get bored eventually."

I sigh and say, "It was going great until we ran into his friends."

Seth nods and says, "Yeah, I figured." He looks at Ryan and then gives me a mischievous smile. "Go ask him to dance."

I look at Seth and ask, "Why?"

"One, it will get him away from his friends…and two…" He looks at me and then continues, "Well, two….it will prove how much he cares for you. You know, he's never danced with anyone before."

I raise my eyebrows and ask, "Really?"

He nods and says, "Never, not a single girl. Always says that he'd end up embarrassing himself and they're not worth getting embarrassed over."

I think about it, and then go up to Ryan who was in the middle of a conversation about some basketball team. I tap him on the shoulder and ask, "Hey Ryan?"

He stops talking and all his friends look at me. "Yeah, what's up?" He asks, looking into my eyes, ignoring everyone else, making my knees go weak.

"I kind of want to dance," I say, leaning close to his ear so he can hear me better.

"Really?" He asks, looking at me for a minute. "Are you sure?"

I nod and say, "Yeah…I uh…I really like this song." I have no idea what song is on to be quite honest.

He seems to debate it for a minute, and then he tells his friends, "Hey guys…I'll talk to you later." He looks at me and grabs my hand, leading me to the area where a group of people were dancing. "I don't really know how to do this…" He says honestly, looking down at his feet and then back into my eyes with a sheepish smile.

I smile at him and say, "You put your hands here…" I put his hands on my hips and then say, "And you just sort of move to the music." I start dancing and Ryan awkwardly does too. He's not the best dancer in the world, but he's not the worst either. I look over his shoulder and see Seth and Ryan's friends watching us. Ryan's friends have their mouths open in shock, and Seth is watching us with an amused look. He sees me looking and winks at me and mouths, 'He loves you.'

_So every day we'll be happy I know  
Now I know that you won't leave me no more  
_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When we get back to my mom's house, it isn't really that late. In fact, it's only nine thirty and since we don't have school or anything to do the next day I ask, "Do you want to come in and watch a movie or something?"

Ryan nods and I lead him into the house. "So what movie are we going to watch?" He asks when we reach the living room.

I shrug and go to the cabinet where all of our DVDs are. I look through them and pull out a couple of movies and take them back to him. "You choose…we have 300 if you feel like action, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure if you feel like laughing, and then the best movie of all time, The Notebook." I give him a smile and ask, "So…what will it be?"

He looks at me and raises his eyebrows. "I'm taking it that The Notebook is your favorite movie?"

I nod and say, "Yeah, but we don't have to watch it."

"Do you want to?" He asks me.

"I dunno…" is my reply.

He's quiet as he debates it and then he says, "Okay, put on The Notebook."

I smile and excitedly go to the DVD player and put the movie in. Then I walk back to Ryan and cuddle up by him, resting my head on his shoulder and letting him put an arm around me. I don't think that in my life, I've ever felt more comfortable around anyone before like I feel with Ryan. As the movie played, I found that I was paying less attention to the movie and more attention to Ryan. About halfway through, I grabbed his hand and laced our fingers together. Ryan kissed my forehead and I felt my skin tingle where his lips had gently brushed it. And then, close to the end of the movie I looked at him and asked, "Ryan?"

He still watched the screen but asked, "Hmm?"

"Do you like the movie?" I ask.

He shrugs and says, "It's okay."

I'm quiet and he focuses on the movie once more. A couple of minutes later I ask, "Ryan?"

"Hmm?" He asks again.

"Do you like that girl Taylor?" I ask curiously.

"Yeah, I guess," He says with a shrug, still watching the screen.

"No, I mean….do you _really_ like her?" I ask.

He looks at me and says, "Of course not, I like you. No, let me rephrase that, I love you. Not Taylor, not a random girl in LA, you, Marissa Cooper."

"I was just asking," I say, keeping my tone light. "Cause you know, she obviously likes you." I had to make sure that he was absolutely sure he didn't like Taylor before I did what I was about to do.

He gives me a small smile and says, "Well, I don't care what she thinks. I don't like her in that way."

He turns back to the screen and I smile, feeling the butterflies form and my heartbeat rapidly get faster. I take a deep breath before asking, "Ryan?"

"Hmm?" He asks once more, still looking at the screen.

I smile slightly and decide, it's now or never. I put my hand on the side of his face and turn it so he's looking into my eyes. "I love you," I whisper, and then lean in and kiss him; this time for real.

_It won't be long yeh, yeh, yeh  
It won't be long yeh, yeh  
It won't be long yeh, till I belong to you, woo_


	12. Let My Love Open the Door

**A/N Time for the apologies. So I was going to write for this earlier in the week, but then I got sick. And then I felt slightly better and started writing. I got about a paragraph done, and then I found out some really big, bad news from my family's past and I completely shut down from writing for a couple of hours. Then, as I tried writing for this, it kept reminding me of the really bad news that I'd found out and I couldn't write for it despite my best attempts to do so. After a lot of people saying they wanted a new post, I finally made myself write even though I had total writer's block by then and every so often I was reminded of the bad news. It was difficult to write this chapter I personally think it's pure crap, but hopefully you disagree. If you don't, I don't blame you. So thanks to all the people that reviewed the last chapter. And the song I used is Let My Love Open The Door by Pete Townshend. Even though the song is from the eighties, I love it and had to include it. There is one other song in the story that will be used that is from the eighties. I won't reveal which because while doing that, I will give away the ending to the story. Anyways, after this really long author's not that I'm willing to bet a lot of people won't read, I want you to at least try enjoy the chapter and review, review, review!**

**Let My Love Open the Door**

After my love confession, Ryan's reaction was kind of cute and funny. As I kissed him, he kissed back for a minute before realizing what we were doing and who he was kissing and he pulled back quickly. He looked at me curiously with the weirdest expression on his face, almost like he was trying to decide if what had just happened was real or he had dreamed up the whole thing in his imagination. I watched him with an amused smirk on my face and he was silent as he watched me. Finally, he managed to say, "Did you…did we…well…" He stopped and closed his mouth, probably trying to find better words. Then, after a minute he says, "We just kissed…"

I nod and say, "Yeah, we did." I watch him, finding his reaction so adorable. It seems that I find a lot of things adorable about Ryan. Like how his blonde hair always seems to fall into his eyes and how he looks when he gets determined to do something. I also love the way his eyes twinkle like the north star and his smile can melt my heart when it turns to ice after thinking about Steve. It seems like I love everything about Ryan.

"And you said you loved me…" He pointed out, looking at me for an answer. His gaze is confused yet intense and I find that I'm falling under a spell.

I nod once again and softly say, "Yeah, I did." I look into his eyes, awaiting his reaction. He looks surprised, but very pleased at the same time. A small smile starts to form on his lips and I want so badly to lean in and kiss them again but know that we need to have this talk first. I watch the wheels turn in his head, the way he thinks over our situation before he comes up with something to say. I have to say, the process is kind of fun to watch.

"So you love me?" He asks, looking at me for conformation. I swear, the guy just doesn't catch easily does he?

"I kind of already said that," I point out with a smile. I don't think I've ever smiled around someone as much as I do to him.

"It's just hard to believe…" He said and trailed off, his gaze diverting to the TV that is still playing the Notebook. Well, the credits of the movie now. I'll never see the movie the same way again now that I have what happened during it etched into my mind. I confessed my love to Ryan. The thought makes me kind of dizzy. How long have I been wanting to say this?

"What's so hard to believe about it?" I ask softly, taking one of his hands and lacing our fingers together. The shivers that course down my body are accompanied by a feeling of warmth to replace it. I never get tired of the feelings that Ryan evokes into me. I guess I never really thought that I, Marissa Cooper, would ever get to feel them. "You're very hard not to fall in love with you know." I wink at him.

"Really?" He asks, grinning at me, his eyes sparkling from love. Just seeing the sparkle makes my heart pitter patter in my chest and my stomach do flip flops. Oh, how much I want to kiss him right now…

_When people keep repeating  
That you'll never fall in love  
When everybody keeps retreating  
But you can't seem to get enough_

I nod and say, "Yes, I was determined not to love you and look at how all this turned out…" I look down and that back into his eyes, trying to communicate how much I love him with just a look, like he does to me all the time. I want him to feel the way I feel; that by just looking at me he knows that I've never cared for anyone as much as I do to him. I want him to understand that I'm so deeply in love with him that I can't live without him. I want him to realize that I'm no longer that girl that he ran into in the hallway at school when we first met. I want him to know that I'm in love with him for today, tomorrow, and quite possibly forever.

He leans in slowly and rests his forehead against my own. "So it's okay if I kiss you?" He asks softly, our lips mere centimeters apart.

I giggle slightly and say, "Yeah, in fact, I kind of want you to kiss me right now." I look into his eyes, getting lost in them. They're like an ocean and I find that I'm being sucked to the very bottom…the only thing to save me is him, the cause of it all in the first place.

"So.." He starts, but I interrupt him. Gosh, this guy can talk!

"Ryan, just kiss me already," I say, and he grins and closes the small space between us and presses our lips together in another kiss.

As he kisses me, my heart beats so fast and loud that I'm sure he can hear it. The butterflies in my stomach seemed to have multiplied and my body is tingling from my head to my toes. He pulls back and looks into my eyes for a moment, probably making sure this is real again, and then puts his right hand on the side of my face and cups my cheek. Then he leans in and kisses me softly again and runs his hand through my hair and pulls my face closer to his. He then takes his left hand and puts it on the other side of my face and runs his thumb over my cheek ever so gently as he kisses me and it makes me feel like the most loved person in the world.

But of course, all good things must end. This time it just so happened to be my mom's fault. She came walking down the stairs and said, "Marissa, I wanted to ask you how your date--" Then she stopped when she saw Ryan and I together and gasped. The look on her face is kind of amusing if you get over the fact that this is completely embarrassing that my mom caught me making out with my boyfriend. It's a mixture of shock, which is understandable, and embarrassment for catching us making out. Granted, it's not as bad as catching your child having sex, but it's pretty embarrassing at the same time. Then, to add to the already interesting mix, she also has a look of amusement, probably because I'm making out with Ryan who I was determined not to even date or hang out with him in the beginning of this whole thing.

_Let my love open the door  
Let my love open the door  
Let my love open the door  
To your heart  
_

I quickly moved away from Ryan and he tried to act casual on the couch, but even I could see how flushed his face was and tried not to smirk at it. I mean, he's so adorable when he blushes. I blushed slightly myself and notice how heavily I am breathing. This only makes an embarrassing situation even worse. "Hey mom…" I said, trying to sound as casual as I possibly could under the circumstances. "What's up?" I tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. I bite my lip slightly, something I tend to do when I'm nervous or when I'm around my mom lately.

She looked at me and then at Ryan, her eyes going back and forth, trying to think of something to say. I can see the big struggle going on in her eyes. Should she walk away or should she stay down here and make sure it wasn't going to go any further. Of course, it wouldn't be, I would make damn well sure of that, but still, she didn't know that. For all she knows, we could've been just about to do the deed. "Well…I just…" I gave her a look that told her to get to the point and she said, "I wanted to see how the date went…and I saw enough. So, I will just go upstairs now." She turned and headed for the stairs. I'm pleased by her decision to leave Ryan and me alone. It means that either she trusts me or was just too embarrassed to stay. When I was sure she was gone, I turned to Ryan who was looking really embarrassed.

"So that was…" I start, and then trail off.

"..interesting…" He continues for me. I love it that he can finish my sentence for me and the feeling wraps itself around me and makes me warm and bubbly inside….not that I wasn't already.

I laughed and said, "It really was." I looked at him and saw that his cheeks were slightly red and I said, "You know, you look really cute when you blush."

"I do not look cute," he said, shaking his head and straightening up. He flexes his arms slightly and I see that he's trying to act tough and muscular. It's really a funny sight to see.

_When everything feels all over  
When everybody seems unkind  
I'll give you a four leaf clover  
Take all the worry out of your mind  
_

"Oh really, what do you look like?" I ask with a slight smirk, deciding to go along with his game. I think it's great that we can get over the fact that my mom caught us in a slightly embarrassing situation so quickly.

He looks at me and says, "I look masculine…very tough and manly." He grins at me and I try not to roll my eyes.

I laugh and say, "Yeah, you sort of look like that too." I lean in and kiss him softly, never growing tired of the feeling of his lips against mine. Our lips move together for a minute, showing our love for each other. Then Ryan has to ruin the kiss.

He pulls back just a little and asks, "Just a little?" He looks into my eyes and I see the teasing, light hearted manner in his own.

I giggle and say, "No, a lot. You're my big, strong boyfriend who just happens to look cute." He looks at me, the smile disappearing from his face slowly after I speak. I'm confused by his sudden change in demeanor. Did I say something wrong? Did he take the whole thing a little too seriously? Was there a problem? I finally decide to give into my questions and softly ask, "What's wrong ?"

"You just called me your boyfriend," He said softly, caressing my cheek. I nod and get self conscious all of a sudden. Did he not think that he was my boyfriend? Is that not what he really wanted? If it isn't, then everything he's told me doesn't make sense. Why would he love me and not want me? I start to pull away a little, feeling completely stupid, when he pulls me back towards him and kisses me softly and all my worries wash away as his lips move over mine. He loves me after all, and he's told me so many times before. How could I ever doubt him? When he pulls back, he quietly says, "I've waited for so long to hear you call me that." He looks into my eyes and I see an amount of love I never really have seen in anyone's eyes but his. Knowing it's all for me makes me lose my breath.

I don't know what to say, so I just lean in and kiss him ever so softly once again. When I pull back I softly whisper, "You're a really good kisser." And he really is too. Any guy that can make a girl go crazy with love and passion with just one kiss like his is a great kisser. An amazing kisser even.

_Let my love open the door  
Let my love open the door  
Let my love open the door  
To your heart_

He smiles slightly and says, "You're a really good kisser, I'm just trying to keep up." He pecks my lips quickly.

I shake my head and laugh quietly. "I've never really kissed anyone else before," I admit to him softly. I wonder what how he'll react to that. Maybe he wants someone with more experience? I mentally kick myself for always questioning him. After all, I've been wrong all the other times that I do it.

"Well, I'm glad," He says softly, his smile disappearing as he looks into my eyes, searching deep into my soul. Yep, wrong again. My heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest and it's such an amazing feeling to be this close to him, to kiss him, to talk this way to him. It makes it so much better at just the thought that ever since I've met him, my whole life has changed. "Because I don't really like the idea of you being with any other guy."

I know he doesn't mean to because he has no idea about it, but when he talks about me being with another guy, I think of Steve. Steve. If there's ever a name that should be considered a bad word and taught to little kids not to even think, it would be Steve. I hate the guy, what he's done to me, what he's doing to me, even now. And even though I don't want to, I pull slightly back, away from Ryan and any physical contact that we had before. Because I can't be around him when I think of Steve. I wrap my arms around myself and say, "It's getting kind of late…you should probably go." I look away from him for a minute, then look back up at him, into his eyes. Those sad, blue eyes.

He looks at me with a mix of confusion and hurt in his but nods anyways and looks away from me and at the wall behind me. "Yeah, I guess I should." He stands up and grabs his jacket and puts it on. Just watching him makes me feel bad about how I'm acting right now, but I just can't have him around here with me…with my memories…

I stand up too after a minute and wrap my arms protectively over my body. I look at him and gesture towards the direction my front door is located and say, "I'll walk you to the door."

_I have the only key to your heart  
I can stop you falling apart  
Try today, you'll find this way  
Come on and give me a chance to say  
Let my love open the door_

He just nods, not looking at me. I know I hurt him, but I can't very well tell him what I was thinking about and why I became distant all of a sudden. And just thinking about Steve makes me shiver and get the dirty feeling all over again. Just thinking of what Steve's done to me--what his cold, nasty hands felt like on my body, how his breath smelt when he leaned in to whisper something to me--makes me feel that I don't deserve Ryan once again. And even though the raping has stopped for now, I still have a memory, and I know it'll be difficult being with Ryan because of that.

I have to wonder too about what this means for Ryan and I. Is our relationship doomed already? It minus well be if I'm going to be remembering Steve every so often. And what happens in the future when Ryan becomes the hormonal teenager and wants to have sex? What do I say then? And even if I'm ready and can put Steve in the back of my mind as Ryan and I are together, how am I going to hide that I'm no longer a virgin? Can't Ryan tell…I mean…I know he can. There are certain things that are supposed to happen during your first time, and when they don't…when I don't feel the pain and there isn't the slight blood…what will Ryan think? That I'm a whore, that's what. I'll give myself to him completely and he'll just dump me the next day because it looks like I've been unfaithful. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. It seems that Steve has already destroyed my relationship with Ryan and just the thought makes me so angry with him again. How dare he!

When we reach the door, Ryan still won't look at me. He's a couple of inches taller than I am but I'm still not growing yet so I wonder whether or not I'll be as tall as him when I am finished growing. Thinking about that gets my mind off of Steve and for a minute I forget about Steve and my already supposedly doomed relationship. All I can think about it what Ryan and I will be like as a couple, what we must look like. Will people find us cute? "So uh…bye," He says softly, looking at the ground. And in that moment, I'm pulled back to the present, here with Ryan. And I slowly realize that though it will be hard, I have to learn not to live in the past or future. Because right now, here, in front of me I have this amazing guy who loves me without knowing my flaws and what I've been through. He loves me for me and has for a long time now.

I shake my head and sigh. How could I ever let other thoughts get into my mind? This is Ryan we're talking about. If anyone would understand, it would be him. He looks at me like I made the Earth with my two hands, and here I am being completely distant for no apparent reason at all to him. What the hell is wrong with me? So what if Steve raped me? And so what if I'm not a virgin because of the son of a bitch? So what if I can't give myself to Ryan and say that he's been the only guy I've ever been with when I grow older and can deal with the memories of Steve raping me enough to take the step forward with him? He's the only guy I've ever loved, and that should be enough. "You're forgetting something," I whisper softly, wanting to make it up to him.

_It's all I'm living for  
Release yourself from misery  
There's only one thing gonna set you free  
That's my love  
_

This makes him look at me and I see the confusion double in his wonderful blue eyes. "What did I forget?" He asks, a little sadly too.

"This," I say, leaning in to kiss him softly. I try my best to shove the thoughts of Steve and the cold hands of his as Ryan's warm ones wrap around my body and pull me closer to him. He holds me protectively as we kiss, our lips getting to know each other better. I wrap my arms around his neck as the kiss continues. After a while, I pull back and he looks at me curiously.

"I don't understand you sometimes," He says softly, looking at me intently, like I'm some big puzzle that he's trying to desperately solve.

"I'm sorry," I say, not meaning to be a complete puzzle to him. I personally hate puzzles, what if Ryan does too?

He shakes his head and smiles. "Don't be, it makes this--us--that much better." He kisses the tip of my nose softly.

"Well then I guess I'm not that sorry," I say, smiling back at him, feeling better than I have been in the past couple of minutes.

"Good," He says, and then kisses me again. I swear that as long as I live, I will never get tired of this. When he pulls back, he says, "I love you." Those three words make my heart melt.

I smile and say, "I love you too."

His smile grows and he says, "I'll call you when I get home."

I nod and he pulls back from our embrace. "I'll be waiting," I say softly, telling the truth. I'll wait by the phone all night if I have to.

_Let my love open the door  
Let my love open the door  
Let my love open the door  
To your heart_

He's about to leave when he turns back and gives me one last kiss. He puts his hand on my waist and leans into me, and kisses my lips so tenderly that I completely lose my mind. I melt into him as we kiss and when he pulls back, we're both breathless. He shrugs and gives me an adorable smile. "Sorry, I couldn't help myself."

I giggle and say, "Go, before I kiss you again…"

"And that's supposed to make me leave?" He asks, his eyes twinkling as he backs away from my house and towards his car.

I laugh slightly and shrug. He winks at me and then gets into his car and starts it. He waves to me and I wave back as he backs away. My eyes follow his car until it disappears and when it does, I still stand there, staring at the spot that I last saw it.

I sigh contently as I close the door and walk up the stairs to my room. I don't pay attention to where I'm walking and end up running into my mom. When I look up at her, I'm about to apologize when I see her smirk. "What?" I ask, rolling my eyes. She can annoy me so much with just a look sometimes.

"I told you so!" She says, pointing at me and exclaiming the words like I little kid. If I didn't find her completely and totally annoying at the moment, I think I might have laughed. No such luck though.

"Whatever mom, you're acting really mature right now," I say sarcastically, about to walk to my room when I hear her say something.

"You're in love with Ryan Atwood," She states, and the traces of a smile and joking are totally gone as she looks at me and waits for my answer.

I smile and despite the fact that this is my mom and she's totally embarrassing and annoying at times, I nod and say, "You know what, yes, I am."

_When tragedy befalls you  
Don't let it drag you down  
Love can cure your problems  
You're so lucky I'm around_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ryan's call comes just as expected a little while later when I'm guessing he arrives home. As he speaks, my heart beats so fast that I think I just may have a heart attack. It's amazing how much of an affect he has on me. "So…how have you been the twenty minutes we've been apart?" Ryan asks, a smile in his voice.

I lean back on my bed and picture him, just like I do every time that he calls me. I put a hand behind my head as I talk. "I've been great. I actually told my mom that I love you…" I trail off, wondering what he's going to think of my statement. I say it so casually, like it's not big deal, but we both know it is.

"You did?" He asks softly, passionately. This means a lot to him, just like it does to me. Now that I've told my mom, it's official. I really am in love with Ryan Atwood.

I nod, even though he can't see me and say, "Yeah, I kind of did." I wait to hear his reaction to my statements.

He's quiet for a minute and I wonder if he hung up accidentally or something until I hear him say, "So this is real huh? No turning back?"

I think about it before softly whispering, "Yeah, you're stuck with me now for good. Are you sure you want this…us?" I don't want him to realize in a couple of weeks that he just doesn't love me and never had. I don't want our relationship, my first one ever, to end badly. And I know that a lot of people break up and never last with their first love…but I want this to be different. And in order for it to be that special, I need Ryan to be one hundred and ten percent sure that this is what he wants.

I hear him laugh quietly and then he says, "Marissa…I've never wanted anything more in my life." As he speaks the words, I know they're the truth.

I feel my heart skip a beat and smile to myself. I close my eyes, feeling tired all of a sudden and say, "Me too."

"You sound tired, get some rest. We'll do something tomorrow…" He says softly, his voice so soothing and deep that it makes me yawn.

"Okay, bye…" I reply tiredly. I'm about to hang up the phone when I hear his voice on the other end.

"Marissa?" He asks quietly. He sounds very far away.

"Hmm?" I ask tiredly, getting my pajamas ready to change into when I hang up the phone. I have the phone on my shoulder.

"I love you…" He says quietly, and I hear his steady breathing on the other line as he waits for an answer.

I smile despite my tiredness and say, "I love you too."

_Let my love open the door  
Let my love open the door  
Let my love open the door  
To your heart_


	13. All You Need Is Love

**A/N So thanks for the reviews. I hope you guys like this chapter, I don't really like it, but I don't really like anything that I write and you guys do…so tell me what you think. The song used is All You Need is Love by the Beatles. R/R and enjoy!**

**All You Need Is Love**

The next morning I awake to footsteps in my room. The noise causes me to jump up and I'm about ready to give Steve a piece of my mind when I see that it's my mom standing in front of me, and that glare fixed upon her face. Her hair is sticking up in places, there are marks on her face that I'm guessing were caused by the pillow and despite her best attempt at a glare, I still can see the way her eyelids are drooping and how difficult it is for her to be awake. I bite my lip to keep from laughing, and give her a look that makes her say, "Your boyfriend is here." I wonder why she seems so upset by this. I turn slowly and look at the clock by my bed and see that it's 7: 30 A.M. I look at her and if she wasn't so upset, I'd find this slightly amusing. "And not only is he here, he's been knocking on the damn door for fifteen minutes!" Her voice is strong and loud, but all I can think about is what Ryan could possibly be doing here this early on vacation and how I didn't hear him.

But despite my thoughts and my mother's obvious anger, I smirk and say, "Well then, I guess you should really learn to answer the door." I get up and walk to the bathroom, and my mom huffs and walks away. I brush my teeth and wonder about Ryan a little. I comb my hair and change from my pajamas, and then I make my way down the stairs. I find Ryan sitting on the couch in my living room and as I near him, he turns and sees me, a grin breaking out onto his face. As he stands and makes his way towards me, I feel my heart start to beat faster and it feels like there's some kind of electric current that makes its way between the two of us until Ryan finally closes the gap, wrapping his arms around me.

"Good morning," He says, nuzzling his face against mine. "How did you sleep?"

I smile at him and say, "I slept just fine, now my mom…" I pull back a little so that I can look into his eyes and then I finish, "…well, my mom wasn't too happy this morning."

He laughs a little and says, "I'll have to apologize a little later about that." His smile disappears and his face becomes serious as he says, "I missed you…"

"We were apart for only about seven hours," I point out to him. He'd left late last night and we'd talked after that, so really, we hadn't been apart for a long time at all. Not that I hadn't missed him too. "And besides, my mom doesn't like to be woken up at seven when she doesn't have to…"

He just smiles and leans in to kiss me gently before softly saying, "She'll have to get used to it because no matter the time, seven in the morning…" He kisses me once again, framing my face with his hands tenderly, "…five in the afternoon…" he kisses me once more, making me dizzy with pleasure, "…or three in the morning." He pulls back and looks into my eyes, into my soul. "I'll always be here for you if you need me."

_**Love, love, love  
Love, love, love  
Love, love, love **_

His words wrap around me like a safety blanket and I feel a sense of comfort and security wash over me in that moment because I know that he'll always be there for me, will always take care of me, no matter what. Those words are more amazing than the words I love you because I've never had someone tell me that before. My dad left, my mom could care less about me and threatened to kick me out, Steve raped me many times, Summer and I aren't the best of friends anymore. Everyone in some way has left me or made me feel worthless.

But Ryan has always been there for me, and will always be there for me. I think that's truly the only thing that you can hope for.

I rest my head on his shoulder, breathing in the smell of his cologne, and his arms tighten around me. I smile slightly, marveling at how amazing it feels to be truly loved. And with Ryan holding me, I murmur, "I missed you too."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ryan announces that he wants me to eat breakfast with the Cohens. A half hour later I find myself nervously walking through the Cohen house, my hand in Ryan's, following the sound of laughter and voices in the kitchen. When we reach it, I see the Cohens all together in the kitchen, laughing at Seth for something. Sandy and Kirsten have their eyes fixed upon their son and Seth is glaring at them, his hair tousled and wearing a robe. Seth looks away from his parents and see me and Ryan and immediately he smiles. "Hey guys," He says.

Sandy and Kirsten both turn and Kirsten smiles at me warmly. "It's nice to see you again, Marissa," she says, taking note of the way I'm clinging to Ryan and the way that Ryan looks at me as if I'm the only person in the room.

"You too," I say, smiling at her. And I mean it too. Being around the Cohens makes me feel almost part of a family, something that I haven't felt in I don't know how many years. Some of my earliest memories are of me, my mom, and my dad all together playing on the beach.

_**There's nothing you can do that can't be done  
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung  
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game  
It's easy **_

Like one time, I remember my dad picking my mom up and throwing her into the ocean. She glared at him playfully and then they both came after me. I remember us making sand castles together in the sand when the water was no longer fun, and even the way the sun felt on my bare arms and legs. I remember the feeling of being whole, of being a part of something. Being around the Cohens gives me that feeling again.

Sandy looks at me and Ryan and smirks, probably sensing how we're together. "Marissa, always a pleasure to see you," He says, winking at me.

I smile at him too and say, "It's great to be back."

Sandy picks up a bagel and says, "Have you ever had one of these?" I look at the bagel in his hand and shake my head. He sighs and says, "I don't know what they're teaching you kids these days. Lucky for you, I have mastered the art of smearing a bagel."

Kirsten rolls her eyes and I say, "Okay…"

Sandy motions for me to come over by him, so I reluctantly let go of Ryan's warm hand and walk to Sandy. Sandy starts taking me through the steps of how to preparer a perfect smeared bagel and everyone watches us with amused smirks on their faces. When Sandy's done preparing the bagel, he hands it to me and says, "There, your first ever bagel."

I feel self conscious eating with everyone's eyes glued to me, but I do it anyways. I take a bite of the bagel and Sandy asks. "So, what do you think?"

I chew and then swallow, then say, "It's actually pretty good."

A grin breaks out onto Sandy's face and he says, "I knew you would. Everyone loves a good bagel." He winks at me.

Kirsten rolls her eyes and looks at me. "I'm sorry for my husband trying to brainwash you." She gives me a motherly smile and says, "But regardless, we're glad that you're here. Ryan says you two are now together?"

"Honey, you can't just go and ask her that," Sandy says, giving a small chuckle.

Kirsten looks at him and raises her eyebrows. "And why not?"

_**There's nothing you can make that can't me made  
No one you can save that can't be saved  
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time  
It's easy  
**_

Sandy shrugs and says, "I don't know, you just can't." He looks at Seth for support. "Right?"

Seth rolls his eyes and says, "You just don't ask a teenager about their love lives unless they voluntarily give up information." He looks at me and Ryan and mouths the word, "Sorry."

Kirsten sighs and then looks at me and Ryan. "Well, no matter what the rules, I still want to know. Are you two official?"

Ryan comes up to me and I take a bite of my bagel. He wraps his arms around me from behind and at the touch, I feel shivers go down my spine. For the first time since we've been here, he says, "Yeah, we are." He smiles at me, I feel it against my neck.

Kirsten looks at me, awaiting my answer and I nod and smile at her. "Yeah, we're official now. Ryan's stuck with me."

"I could never be 'stuck' with you," Ryan murmurs into my ear quietly, so that only I can hear his meaningful words. I smile and feel goose bumps all over my body.

Everyone watches us with amused eyes. I wonder what they're going to say, because a couple of minutes later, there's still not a word said to break this silence that overcame the kitchen. Ryan doesn't seem too disturbed by it, but his arms tighten around me and I lean back into him. Finally, Sandy turns to Kirsten and says, "Ha! I told you! You owe me twenty bucks!"

Ryan stands a little straighter and asks, "What did you guys do?" His voice isn't upset, but it's a mix of curiosity and amusement.

Kirsten rolls her eyes and sighs. "Sandy and I made a bet to when you two would get together. He said under two weeks, I said a little over." She glared at Sandy and said, "And of course, he won."

Sandy smirks and holds out his hand. "Come on, pay up."

_**All you need is love  
All you need is love  
All you need is love, love  
Love is all you need  
**_

Seth sits up and says, "Hey, how come I didn't get in on that bet!" He gives his parents a look that tells them that he doesn't approve.

Sandy shrugs and says, "Your mother didn't think you should be gambling. Besides, we didn't want to risk losing more money than we would've already lost."

Ryan laughs and says, "You guys are unbelievable, betting on our relationship like that." He pauses and then says, "You know, I think you should give us any money that you made."

Sandy shook his head and said, "That's not fair. I won!"

Ryan ignores him and takes his arms from around me. I feel cold and alone, but I don't say anything as Ryan walks to Kirsten and holds out his hand. "Money please," He says, giving her a look.

She shrugs and hands him the money. Sandy looks at her and opens his mouth in protest but she says, "I was going to lose it anyways." Sandy gives her a look like she's a traitor and I start laughing.

He turns and glares at me and says, "So you find this whole thing funny huh?"

I nod and let out a giggle. "Yeah, it kind of is. My family never really does this...joking around and everything." I shrug and his features soften.

"Tell us about your family. Do you live with your mom and dad?" Kirsten asks me. Ryan gives her a death glare and comes over to me, holding me again. I try to ignore the different emotions evoked into me at that moment; sadness because of my dad leaving, and a warmth coursing through my body caused by both Ryan holding me and Kirsten caring enough to ask about my family.

Before I answer, Sandy says, "Let's all go to the living room. I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of standing in the kitchen."

I quickly finish off my bagel and throw away the trash, then we all go to the living room. Ryan sits on the couch and pulls me down with him to sit between his legs. I lean back into him and as everyone's getting ready for me to tell about my family, Ryan's arms protectively tighten around me and he kisses the back of my neck. "You don't have to talk about them you know," He tells me, and I'm truly touched that he offers me that option.

"I think it'll be good if I do," I say, turning my head a little so that he can hear me and everyone else can't.

_**Love, love, love  
Love, love, love  
Love, love, love  
**_

He nods and turns my face a little and kisses me softly on the cheek. I blush slightly, but he's oblivious to it. "Okay, but if it gets too hard, you can stop," he whispers softly. "The Cohens won't pressure you."

I just smile and turn so that I can peck his lips softly. Then I turn and his arms tighten around me once more. Everyone's watching us now and I blush slightly once again, but hope to God that no one notices. "So..." Seth says, breaking the silence.

"Well, I live with my mom," I start. Everyone's eyes on me are oddly comforting instead of scary. It's a great feeling to know that everyone cares.

"What happened to your dad?" Sandy asks me softly, looking at me curiously.

I sigh and say, "He left me when I was little. I haven't seen or heard from him in years."

Kirsten looks at me sadly and says, "That must have been hard for you, to live without contact from him."

I nod and admit, "It's been hard, but my mom and I always made it through the rough times together." I think of Steve and without meaning to, a slightly disgusted look come on my face. "But now she has a boyfriend..." At the mention of Steve, I feel Ryan tense behind me. I guess he just doesn't like the guy.

"Ah, the possible future step dad," Seth says, looking around. "I don't think you're supposed to like them."

Sandy nods and says, "It's probably just a passing feeling. I'm sure once you guys get to know each other better, you will get along. Who knows...you may even end up liking the guy."

I give them a small smile, just for show though. Because I know the real Steve, better than my mom, better than Ryan, and better than the Cohens. I know what he likes to do and I've seen him at his worst and at his best. And I know that I will never like him because of what he's done to me. Ryan must sense how I feel about talking about Steve because he whispers, "Move on. Don't talk about him if you don't want to."

_**All you need is love  
All you need is love  
All you need is love, love  
Love is all you need  
**_

I take Ryan's advice and say, "Yeah, I guess. It just seems that my mom and I don't have the best relationship anymore. We don't eat breakfast together as a family and family dinners are just for show. We're like three people living in the same house, just passing each other occasionally." I shrug slightly and say, "And sometimes I wish I had what you guys have..." They all look at me and sit a little straighter, glad to receive a compliment. "I wish I could just have someone that cares about me the way you guys care for each other."

Ryan decides to speak up loudly enough for everyone to hear then. "There are people that care a lot for you, me being one of them," He says tenderly. "You have this certain light about you. Whenever you smile, you brighten up a room. And you may not think that you do, but I can guarantee it's true. And there's this sparkle in your eyes that didn't used to be there before, and I love to see it there whenever I look at you. It's part of the reason I fell for you, because of your eyes, because of your smile. And I think I speak for everyone here when I talk about those things. You may not have the best family at your actual home and that sucks, but you have us." He looks at the Cohens and sees that they're nodding so he continues. "And no matter how bad your life seems, you're always welcome here. Sandy and Kirsten love your company and Seth enjoys it as well. And me...well, you already know how I feel about you. You belong here, with me...with us."

Sandy and Kirsten nod in agreement, but Seth doesn't do anything. He decides to lighten the mood and says, "Wow, that was deep. I personally didn't know that Ryan could talk that much at once. Mom, dad, did you?"

Sandy laughed and said, "That was an impressive speech."

Ryan chuckles a little too and said, "Well, it was for a good cause." As everyone jokes about Ryan and his speech, there's this feeling that washes over me. Ryan's words touched me in ways that he probably will never know because he can't understand what it feels like to feel so loved by these people. He wouldn't understand how much it means to me to feel loved by all these people. And as they laugh and joke, only one thing runs through my mind...

So this is what it feels like to be a part of a family.

_**There's nothing you can know that isn't known  
Nothing you can see that isn't shown  
No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be  
It's easy  
**_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After talking to the Cohens for a while, Ryan and I decide to go to the pool house so we can be alone together. I feel like I'm floating as we walk to it, Ryan's hand the only thing keeping me here, on Earth. We enter the pool house and Ryan asks, "Do you want to watch some TV or something?" He lets go of my hand and walks further into the pool house and lays down on the bed. He puts a hand behind his head as he lays back onto the pillow and smiles at me lazily.

I smile back at him and walk over to him on the bed and climb on top of him. "Actually...I was thinking we could do something like this..." I lean in and kiss him softly on the lips, surprising him once again.

He returns the kiss and puts his hand on the back of my head, pulling me closer to him. "I like this idea too," He mumbles against my lips. I smile into the kiss.

"I had a feeling you would," I mumble back.

Ryan kisses me for a minute, and then makes a move so that he's hovering over me. I feel my heartbeat quicken even more as he leans in and kisses me. His lips move over mine in such a tender and passionate way, that I get lost in the kiss. He moves a hand through my hair as the kiss intensifies and my mind drifts off to another time where someone was on top of me. But instead of the feeling of love and warmth that I just had with Ryan, I start to feel dirty and scared again. My eyes shoot open and I pull back the slightest bit. Ryan looks at me weirdly and then leans in to softly kiss me again. I remind myself that this is Ryan, that this is the guy that I love and who loves me.

But as he kisses me, his lips moving over mine, it's no longer Ryan kissing me. Now it's Steve with his cold hands and bad breath. It's Steve with his forced movements and aggressive kisses he gives me when he takes his hand off of my mouth. It's Steve raping me, and I pull back quickly and push Ryan as hard as I can off of me. I don't notice the tears streaming down my face, all that's going through my mind is the pain and the heartache. I remember the late nights, the darkness, the fear as large as Jupiter, the hand over my face, and the weight of his body over mine. And even though I've tried to block it all out, it still comes out at me, still hurts as much as it did then, if not worse.

"Marissa, Marissa, talk to me," Ryan says softly, pleading with me. "What did I do...let me know. I won't do it again, I promise. I'd never mean to hurt you..."

But his words bring no comfort, only more memories.

_Little girl._

_Good girl._

_If you tell anyone, I'll kill you_

_It'll never stop._

It all comes back to me and that's when the cries start. It's a gut wrenching kind of cry, the kind that you hear when you go to a funeral and the person is being lowered down slowly into the sound. It sounds like someone's died, like I'm dying. It's such a horrible sound, even to me, but I can't stop it. The tears come and come and I start to rock myself back and forth, trying to stop the memories, trying to stop the pain. Nothing can though, and that makes me cry harder.

Ryan's arms wrap around me and pull me to his chest. He's now sitting up and he holds cradles me like a baby. "It's alright, it's alright, everything's okay," He whispers quietly, trying to make me feel better. I cling to him tightly and cry into his shirt. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here for you..." he murmurs, kissing my forehead softly.

"No, no it's not..." I sob into his chest. "It's not okay..."

"Yes, it is. I'm here, I'll make sure you're okay..." He murmurs. "You just need to tell me what's wrong. Let me take away the pain..."

"You can't," I whisper, my cries turning into sobs.

"Yeah, I can," He says in a tiny voice. I look up at him, tears still streaming down my face. The look on his own makes me feel a weird pain in my own heart. He's looking at me like he would gladly feel my pain so that I don't have to. He looks like it hurts him to see me this way, hurting, and knowing he can do nothing about it. And that's when I know that even though I told myself I wouldn't, that I would tell him. I was going to tell him now because he deserved to know that much. Whatever he did from that point on -- whether he broke up with me or not -- was up to him.

_**All you need is love  
All you need is love  
All you need is love, love  
Love is all you need **_

I look into his blue eyes, those amazing blue eyes that hold so much love, and wonder if in five minutes, he'll feel the same way about me. "I haven't been completely honest with you," I whisper quietly.

He looks at me confusedly and asks, "What do you mean you haven't been completely honest?"

I pull away from him, knowing that he'll need space, and then say, "Ryan..." I can't bring myself to finish.

"What is it? What's wrong?" He asked, concern clear in his voice.

I look away from his face and say, "I'm not who you think I am. I'm not an innocent little girl."

"What do you mean by that?" He asks, and I can tell he's scared now.

"Steve..." I start, but then trail off. I can't bring myself to say the words like I did with my mom. It's so much harder with Ryan for a reason I can't understand. Is it because I love him more? Is it because I'm afraid he'll see me differently? Is it because I don't want to hurt him? I can't come up with the answers.

"Steve," He repeats, and I look at him, and see the wheels turning in his head. Then, an understanding comes onto his face. "Are you saying that..." He looks at me, pain on his face. It looks like someone just shot him. "Did he..." He trails off, not able to finish the sentence.

"Ryan, Steve, well...Steve raped me," I say, so quietly that I can barely hear myself. But I know Ryan heard me, because I can sense the anger coursing through him. I feel the fury building within him and I'm afraid of what it will look like when he explodes.

He scoots away from me, just like I knew he would, and it hurts me like nothing else ever has. "Just once right?" He asks, his voice tense.

"No," I whisper.

"How many times?" He asks me, looking at me. I look up and flinch under his penetrating gaze, under his hard, cold eyes. I don't answer and he angrily says, "Damn't Marissa, tell me, how many times?!"

I flinch again, afraid of him suddenly. Ryan's never been this angry around me, and it's terrifying me. "I don't know...a lot..."

"How long?" He asks me, looking down at his hands. "How long did he do this to you?"

I sigh and say, "I don't know, a couple of months, maybe more..."

"Does he still do it?"

I shake my head and say, "No, it's stopped." I look at Ryan and he slowly stands up.

"That son of a bitch," He says, so angrily that I'm afraid of what he'll do. It looks like he could commit murder right now, and I wonder if a part of him wants to. I wonder if he will..

"Ryan, don't do anything stupid," I say, standing up too and walking to him. He backs away from me and stares at the ground.

"I'm going to kill him," He says, and I know it's not a threat. By the looks of it, Ryan is going to kill Steve. And even though I hate the guy and don't mind him dying, I can't lose Ryan. I know Ryan will go to jail for a really, really long time and I won't be able to live without Ryan. I love him too much.

"No, you can't..." I plead.

He looks at me coldly and says, "What, so now you're defending him? After what he's done to you?"

_**All you need is love  
All you need is love  
All you need is love, love  
Love is all you need  
**_

"I'm not defending him..." I say, but Ryan won't hear it.

"That guy doesn't deserve to be defended. He doesn't deserve anything! What he deserves is to feel as hurt as he hurt you!" He paces around the room and to my surprise, hits the pool house wall. Not the glass part, but the actual wall. A hole goes through and I stare at Ryan in shock. He doesn't seem to notice, just continues pacing around the room. My eyes follow him, but he doesn't look up. "That son of a bitch hurt you...my girlfriend..."

"I wasn't you girlfriend at the time," I point out softly.

"It doesn't fucking matter!" He shouts. "He shouldn't have done that! He doesn't deserve to live! He deserves to rot in the ground!" He grabs his jacket and starts towards the door and I realize that I have to stop him one way or another. I run to him and grab his arm. He stares at me, his eyes angry. "Let go," He hisses.

"What are you going to do? Hit me?" I challenge.

"No, just let go," He says in a low, deadly voice.

"No, I won't!" I say, tightening my grip on his arm. "If you go, you'll be bad like him. I agree with you, he deserves to die, but I don't want you to be the one to kill him!" Ryan looks at me like I'm crazy and I go on. "Ryan, he's taken everything away from me; my childhood, my virginity, my mom, my whole life." My voice cracks and I let out a sob. I look into his eyes and try to communicate with him how much I need him. "I can't let him take you away too. You're the only thing that got me through this. You're the only thing that matters to me anymore. Don't let him take you away too, please..." I feel tears start to stream down my already tear stained cheeks and I say, "Ryan...I can't lose you."

At first, it doesn't look like my words mean anything to him. But then, slowly, his face softens and I feel his whole body relax. He looks at me and says, "Shh, don't cry." He pulls me into his arms and I bury my head into his chest as I sob. "I'm sorry, shh, please, stop crying..."

"You can't go after him Ryan, you just can't..." I sob. "You have to promise me you won't..."

He sighs and is quiet for a couple of minutes, the only sound heard in the pool house being my quiet sobs. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he says, "Okay." I look up into his eyes and he gently wipes away my tears. He nods and softly repeats, "Okay." We stare into each other's eyes for a while, and I see a pain in Ryan's that are worse than before.

This pain almost looks like it can kill him.

I take his hand and lead him back to the bed and we both lay down. Ryan wraps his arms around me and I rest my head on his chest. We remain quiet for a really long time, neither of us able to speak. Finally, I turn my head so I can see Ryan and I ask, "What are you thinking?"

He doesn't answer me quickly, but he looks at me. He lets out a long sigh and then says, "I'm trying to imagine the different ways that I could kill him." He continues to look into my eyes and then quietly asked, "How did it happen?"

I let out a long breath and then say, "I honestly don't know. One night I hear a noise in my room and he's there..." I trail off, remembering the night like it was just yesterday. Ryan senses how hard it is for me to talk about it, and he runs a hand through my hair soothingly. "He apologized the next morning, saying he didn't mean it...didn't know what he was doing. But two days later, it happened again, and after a while..." I tear my gaze from him and say, "...well, after a while, he just came into my room almost every night."

Ryan nods and doesn't say anything. After a minute he asks, "Did it hurt?"

I nod and look at him again. "Yeah, it did," I say, not elaborating.

He accepts my answer and we're quiet again. Finally, he asks, "Why didn't you go to the police?"

"He threatened to kill me," I state with no emotion. "At the time, I believed him. I think a part of me still does."

"Well, what about now?" he asks, and I can see how much he wants Steve to be arrested. "What's stopping you now?"

I think about it and after a while say, "I don't have any more evidence. And besides, the raping has stopped now, so there's really nothing I can do."

"Of course you can do something..." He says, and I feel him tense once again. "You can tell the police what happened, I'm sure they can do something to help you."

"Yeah, and I'd have to go in front of a room full of people on stand and humiliate myself," I say softly. "I can't do it, Ryan."

"I'll be there for you," He whispers softly. "Through it all, I'll be there for you."

I give him a small smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and say, "I know, and I love you for that." I lean in and place a small kiss on his lips, then pull back and say, "But I can't do it. I've thought about it, and I just can't. It's my word against his and he's a pretty successful guy."

Ryan sighs, long and deep and then says, "Yeah, I suppose you're right." I see him start to think, and then he says, "Wait...what about your mom? She could help you right?"

I shake my head and sadly say, "She didn't believe me when I told her."

He lets out a frustrated sigh and says, "There has to be something we can do to him!"

I shake my head and say, "Yeah, but I don't want to. If I do anything, it'll just come back and hurt me in the end." I look at him for a while and then quietly say, "You can do something for me."

"What would that be?" He asks me, looking into my eyes tenderly. Our connection is now so much stronger than before. I guess telling him wasn't so bad after all.

"You can be here for me. When I want to talk, you can listen. And when I want to be quiet, you can just be here for me." I cuddle into him and say, "Basically do what you've already been doing."

He nods and I listen to his heartbeat. It's strong and steady, just like he is. It comforts me for reasons I don't really understand. "You know what?" He asks me after a while, his voice soft and soothing.

"What?" I ask, looking at him once again.

He gives me a small smile and it makes me feel a whole lot better to have him smiling at me again. "I love you, Marissa Cooper," He says gently. He looks into my eyes, deep into my soul, a place reserved for only him, and says, "And I don't care what's happened in your past, all that matters to me is now." He leans in and kisses me softly, our lips barely touching. "And now, you're with me." He looks at me with a passion like I've never seen in anyone before and finishes, "And that means that I'm not going to let anything or anyone hurt you ever again. Because I love you, and if you remember that, through the good and bad times, everything will be okay. Because I promise you, my love will never die. When it seems like the whole world is crashing down around you, remember that."

A sense of comfort and security washes through me and I smile at Ryan. "I love you too," I say softly, kissing him.

"Is this okay?" He asks me, pulling back slightly. I give him a puzzled look and he says,

"Kissing...is it okay? Because we don't have to if it's too hard."

I smile at him, touched by his thoughtfulness and say, "Though it means the world to me that you'd offer me that option, it's okay. As long as you're not on top, it's okay."

He smiles and says, "I think I can manage that." He leans in and captures my lips in a tender kiss. And as the day continues, I can't get over the fact that Ryan doesn't care that I was raped. Well, yeah, he cares, but he doesn't seem disgusted with me at all by it.

I pull back and ask, "So, how are the Cohens going to feel about you punching a hole through a wall?"

He shrugs and says, "It's not like it's the first time I've done it…"

"Really?" I ask, my mouth open and my eyes wide.

He nods and says, "You met me after I grew out of my anger stage. For a while there, I was angry at the whole world." He looks into my eyes and says, "But not anymore."

"Right, now you're only angry at one person," I say softly, looking away from him. I sigh and look at his hand which is red from hitting the wall. I grab it gently and bring it to my lips, kissing it tenderly. "How's that?" I ask.

"Much better," He murmurs, turning my face to look at him and kissing me once again.

It's an amazing feeling, to know that despite everything, someone still cares. I guess that's what love is though; loving someone despite their flaws and imperfections. And even though Ryan and I seem okay now, I know that we will have some hard times and rough patches because that's what couples do. Not everything will be perfect, and I still have a lot to deal with on my own, but I know that no matter what, Ryan will be there. And I also know, that his love will always help me through everything, just like he said it would. Because though things change, friends leave, people go their separate ways, true love never dies.

_**Love is all you need  
That is all you need  
That is all you need  
That is all you need  
That is all you need**_


	14. An Important Author's Note

So here's the deal. I haven't been able to write for over the past month, even though I've been meaning to and have the best intentions of doing so. I'm going to go on listing all the reasons that I have not been able to write so that you will all hopefully forgive me. Let's get this started then. My life has been a living, breathing soap opera. There's no other way to put it. My Uncle gets evicted and moves into my grandma's house, meaning I cannot get onto the computer for a couple of weeks until he moves into the other room. When that's all figured out, my other Uncle's five month pregnant wife ends up getting shot and dying which may have been a result of a drug deal gone bad. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral because I had school all that week, but I did not have enough time on the computer that week to actually write anything, so there's another week gone by. So after that my Great Aunt decides that she's going to sue my Great Uncle. There was this whole big accident not too long ago and now she needs someone to pay her medical bills and her insurance can't cover it and since it was his son that hit her car on accident, she is suing them. That takes away even more computer time because my Great Uncle came over to my grandma's house and started whining about the whole thing, telling how it wasn't his fault and my Great Aunt just wants to get to him and take all his money for herself, yadda yadda. When that whole thing is taken care of, my great grandma decides that it's her turn to make a pop in and destroy my chances of writing. She comes, stays in the room with the computer, and I'm forced to watch TV instead of write. After that's done, I fall into depression. No kidding. I came to the realization that my life is really meaningless. I have no reason of being alive. Now, I'm not the kind to commit suicide. It's against my beliefs, but if I had been the kind of person to do that, let's just say that this story would never be finished. I felt that I didn't belong anywhere. You know that feeling that you're in a room full of people, but feel so bitter, lost, and alone? It's cliché, but that's how I felt. So I go in and out of depression over the next couple of weeks. Since I'm in and out of depression, I'm never in the mood to write. Since I'm never in the mood to write, you don't get a new post on this story. So that leads us to now, here, you reading this that I have written. I am not dead. Well, not physically dead anyways. I'm still in a little bit of depression. I just felt that since it's been so long, I should tell you why at least, that I haven't written anything. I have started a new chapter, but I'm about four paragraphs into it. This whole author's note is longer than what I have written. This is my explanation for my absence. I'm sorry. I'm depressed. I'm tired (bad insomnia). I feel worthless (again, I'm depressed for the fourth time I think). I can't write. I'll get the post up ASAP, I promise that much okay? Thanks for reading, if you did in fact read.


	15. You Know What To Do

**A/N Look at this! I have finished another chapter. This is amazing, really. Who would've thought the day would ever come? Haha, but seriously, this chapter is horrible, I'm sure of it. But, I wrote, and that is good. Life has been crazy of course, and I had writer's block, but today I just sat down and wrote and this is what I came up with. I hope you like it, or at least can tolerate it…and I hope people will still read it even if I haven't posted in forever and a day. Song used is, "You Know What To Do" by the Beatles. Thank you for all the reviews from the last chapter and I'll try to have a new chapter up soonish. Don't worry, it won't take me almost three months this time…at least I don't think so. Also, this is very important!! This chapter is dedicated to Georgia (newportz-princess) because she is awesome and this is my only way of publicly saying that she is awesome. So a round of applause for her -claps-. I expect a round of applause in every review for her. No, I am not joking.** **R/R, enjoy!**

The nightmares start a couple of days later. I never thought of the possibility of having nightmares, it never occurred to me that Steve could haunt me in my sleep. But they came anyways, in full force too. They were the most horrific nightmares I'd ever had before. I lost the only thing that meant anything to me anymore. Whenever I'd wake up in the morning, I'd have to cal Ryan and tell him what happened. He'd stay quiet, letting me talk, then he'd reassure me. It would be reassurance enough though just to hear his voice, considering what I was always losing in my dream would be Ryan.

_I lay in bed, my blanket covering my body and keeping me warm. I'm slowly starting to drift off to sleep when I hear a noise. Footsteps. Breathing. I slowly open my eyes and look up to see a hand coming down and pressing onto my face. I try to scream, but it's muffled. He starts to climb onto my bed, on top of me, and I feel that I'm suffocating. Not again. It can't happen again. My life had just started to turn around..._

_He leans down and lets out a laugh, a triumphant, evil laugh. I want to cry, but I can't. I feel myself drifting away as he starts to take off my clothes, his cold, dirty hands wandering my body. When he finally starts to actually rape me, I'm no longer the girl I was just moments ago. It's worse than it was last time. This time I'm losing a whole lot more than what I had before. Now I'm losing Ryan. My Ryan. The only thing that gets me through the day._

_And when he's done, I softly murmur, "He didn't save me."_

_Steve hears me and rolls his eyes and flashes an devilish grin at me. "Good. You're finally catching on, little girl. He can't save you…no one can…"_

The dreams keep coming and coming until I no longer sleep. I decide that if I have to stay awake for the rest of my life so I don't have those horrific dreams, I'll do it. I don't tell anyone, including Ryan, about my lack of sleep. The way I see it, it's no one's business. My pain and agony, my exhaustion and nightmares, are mine and only mine to hide forever. Why bring people down people you love with you? I know that if I tell Ryan, he's going to worry about me and make me sleep, but that won't help me at all. And I can't tell my mom because she flipped out about the whole rape idea. I really cannot tell Summer because that would make me have to tell her everything, something that I'm not willing to do now or probably ever. So that leaves me to deal with my own pain. I figure I had done it for a while before Ryan came into my life, and I can do it now too.

After a sleepless night, I just sort of lay in my bed, staring off into space. My thoughts are all over the place. One moment I'm thinking about how nice it would be to just close my eyes and sleep, risking the chance of having a nightmare, but the next I'm thinking about something as random as having ice cream for breakfast. I know that's weird, but that's what you do when you don't have sleep, in case you didn't know. I was just thinking about counting all the little bumps on my wall when I hear my cell phone start to ring. I pick it up and look at the caller ID and see that it is Ryan. I quickly flip it open and say, "Hey."

_**When I see you  
I just don't know what to say.  
I like to be with you  
every hour of the day.  
So if you want me  
just like I need you,  
you know what to do.  
**_

"Hey," He says, happiness evident in his voice. He's quiet for a moment and then he asks, "So, did you sleep well last night? You've been looking really tired lately." I roll my eyes, annoyed that he noticed my lack of sleep, but really kind of touched at the same time. Had my mom even talked to me lately?

"I'm fine," I say, doing my best to sound reassuring.

He's quiet for a moment and then says, "No Marissa, you're not."

I'm kind of surprised by how bluntly he says it. Ryan is never that blunt with me. He always eases his way into things, but this is totally different. I wonder what got into him. "What do you mean I'm not okay?" I ask, my voice tense. "I think I'd know if I was okay or not."

He lets out a sigh and says, "Marissa, I know you're not sleeping. I don't know why, but you're not. And I don't know what's going on with you, but I do know that you're going through something and not telling me about it. I'm your boyfriend remember? You're supposed to tell me things."

Maybe it was my lack of sleep that made me so pissed off with Ryan at the moment, but whatever the reason, I kind of snapped. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help myself. I'm not used to having someone worry about me, not lately, so the fact that someone does is new to me. I guess that's probably why I said, "Whatever Ryan. You think that suddenly coming in and making me fall in love with you makes you know me? It doesn't."

He was quiet for a long time and I began to wonder if we lost the connection. Finally, after what felt like an eternity in silence he softly said, "You know I love you. And I know you love me. What I don't know is what's bothering you, and you're obviously not going to tell me. So I guess I'll just see you later or something. School starts tomorrow, maybe you'll want to talk to me then." Then he hangs up the phone, leaving me to just think about how badly I'd just messed things up between Ryan and I.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Everyone knows that the first day back to school after a break is one of the hardest parts of school. You know the feeling that you get, that tired achy feeling that just won't go away? Well, multiply that by a hundred and then square it and that's how I felt as I stepped into the school. My eyes were sore from lack of sleep and the fact that I'd been crying all night over Ryan and how he probably never wanted to talk to me again all because he was worried and I couldn't take a guy worrying about me. I couldn't believe how stupid I was sometimes. It's like a really bad disease with no cure so I'm left to slowly die. And to add onto this really annoying feeling, everyone looks at me and probably mentally notes how crappy I look at the moment. I quietly go to my locker, keeping my head down, holding my books and everything in my hands. Ryan didn't even bother to come pick me up and try to work things out which had made me cry even harder when I had looked at the clock and realized he wasn't going to come. But I guess that wasn't even the worst part of my morning. No, the worst part of my morning was going into my mom's room and asking for her only to learn that she had to go somewhere and that Steve was the only available person to give me a ride. Talk about an awkward silence in the car…

But now that I was at school, I just wanted Ryan. I wanted to feel his arms around me and his lips against mine. I wanted him to whisper into my ears that everything was going to be okay and most of all I wanted to cry on his shoulder and tell him about what a bad day I was already having. Too bad for me though, he wasn't at my locker waiting for me like I'd hoped he would. Instead I find Summer there waiting for me, a large grin on her face that makes me want to gouge my eyes out. The last thing I need right now is to talk to Miss I-Love-Gossip. But of course, my morning already sucks, so I put on that fake smile that I used to have perfected and walk towards Summer. "Oh my God Coop! You and Ryan Atwood?!" She exclaims when I'm within five feet of her.

_**I watched you walking by  
and you looked alone.  
I hope that you won't mind  
if I walk you home.  
And if you want me  
just like I need you,  
you know what to do.**_

I nod and sigh. "Yes, Summer, I am with Ryan Atwood." I watch and she squeals, just as I figured she would. I roll my eyes and open my locker, putting some of my stuff up.

"See, I knew this would happen. You can tell by the way he looks at you…and that look you get when he's mentioned…" I look away from my locker at my friend, not understanding this look that I get.

"What look?" I ask.

"What look?" She repeated with a roll of her eyes as if it's the most obvious answer in the world.

"Yeah, what look?" I ask again, leaning against the locker next to mine as I wait for her answer.

"You really don't know?" She asked, raising her eyebrows. When I shook my head no, she said, "I don't know…there's just a look. Like a light in your eyes that shines whenever you see him or hear his name. Even if you try to hide it," She said, smirking at the last part.

I look down and blush a little. I hadn't realized that my feelings for Ryan had been that obvious. "Yeah, well…" I say, trailing off, not knowing what to say.

"I thought so," She said with a small laugh. "So where's Mr. Boyfriend?" She asks as I close my locker.

I shrug and say, "I wish I knew…" I look around, a part of me wishing that Ryan would magically appear out of nowhere. No such luck.

"Okay…not going to ask," Summer says, relieving me. She loops her arm through mine and says, "Come on, let's go to class together."

I smile a little bit and say, "Okay." We start to walk and I stop and look at her. She gives me a quizzical glance and I softly say, "Thanks, Sum."

She gets really confused now. "For what?"

I shrug and say, "I don't know…for being my friend."

"I've always been your friend," Summer said softly, looking at me kind of hurt. "You just didn't seem to want to be mine." We continued walking together to class, no Ryan in sight.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

By lunchtime I still haven't seen Ryan. Since he's a senior, he doesn't have lunch with me. I sigh and walk to the lunch table with Summer, something we haven't done in a while. Whenever I eat lunch I usually just brood over how horrible my life has been. Today though I'm tired of being that way so I decide to let Summer actually be a friend to me. "So Coop, what have I missed out on with your life?" She asks about halfway through lunch, looking at me expectantly.

I shrug, not sure how to answer. What hasn't she missed out on with my life? "I don't know…not much," I say quietly.

She looks at me for a long time, not saying anything. "So what's the deal with you and your new boyfriend? Did he hurt you? I'll go rage blackout on him if you need me too…" She said, starting to get up.

"No, it's fine Summer," I said, giggling a little. Summer could always make me laugh when I needed her to. I'm stupid to have pushed her away, just like it was stupid for me to push Ryan away.

Summer sat down and got a serious look on her face. "Okay, but if you need me, just say the word…"

I giggled a little more and said, "I know."

She looked over my shoulder and rolled her eyes. "Speak of the devil…" I turned and saw Ryan walking towards me, his eyes fixed on me like I was the only person in the room. I suddenly became really dizzy and happy to see him all at once. He didn't have a smile on his face though, something he usually did whenever he was around me. I wonder if I really blew things with us now. I hear Summer mumble behind me, "A really, hot devil…"

I turn and roll my eyes at her. "Leaving," She said, getting up to go throw her trash away, leaving Ryan and me all alone. Ryan sits across from me at the table.

"So…" He says, folding his hands together on the table, looking down at them, then up at me. "How have you been?"

I shrug and say, "Fine."

He shakes his head and sighs. "No, you haven't been."

"You're making a big deal out of nothing," I say, rolling my eyes.

"No, I'm not." He takes one of my hands and I feel the electricity in my body. I gulp a little and look him in the eyes, getting lost. I wish I could just stare into them forever. They make me feel almost safe.

Almost safe.

_**Just call on me  
when you're lonely.  
I'll keep my love  
for you only.  
I'll call on you  
if I'm lonely too.  
Understand I'll stay  
with you every day.  
Make you love me more  
in every way.  
So if you want me  
just like I want you.  
You know what to do.  
**_

"Yes, you are," I say defiantly.

"Marissa…you can be so difficult," He said with a roll of his eyes and a bitter laugh. "I pursue you for months and when we finally get together you tell me this really big secret about you that only you and two other people know.." He looks around to make sure no one is listening, which is kind of stupid considering everyone is looking at us. He lowers his voice and softly says, "And then you don't get sleep and expect me to think you're okay? You're not okay." I don't say anything for a long time and he lets go of my hand and stands up slowly. "Fine, if you don't want to talk to me….then don't."

"Where are you going?" I ask, my eyes following him.

He turns and bitterly says, "I have class, remember?"

I nod and say, "I love you, Ryan," so softly that he turns and looks at me, his face softening.

He walks to me and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear tenderly. "I know, and I love you too," He murmurs, his words soothing me. "But if we're ever going to work, you need to talk to me."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"_Ryan?!" I scream, tears falling down my face rapidly, like raindrops in the largest storm you've ever seen. I search and search but I can't find him. I turn to my mom who is staring at me blankly, as if she doesn't know me anymore. I turn to Summer who has a grim expression on her face. I see Steve. Steve, with his smirk and yellow teeth. Steve with his dirty hands and ugly eyes. Steve with his balding hair and sly smile._

_It's the Steve that I hate that tells me, "Ryan's never coming back, little girl, and it's all your fault…"_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**Just call on me  
when you're lonely.  
I'll keep my love  
for you only.  
I'll call on you  
if I'm lonely too.  
Understand I'll stay  
with you every day.  
Make you love me more  
in every way.  
So if you want me  
just like I want you.  
You know what to do **_

I wake with a start, not aware of where I am. I look around and see tons of people looking at me with smirks on their faces. That's when I notice that the teacher is right next to my desk, staring at me coldly. "Have a nice nap, Miss Cooper?" He asked angrily.

I shake my head and say, "No sir, I actually didn't." It's the truth too.

Some kids snicker and I sink back in my chair. He just sort of stands there for a minute, then after coming to some decision, he says, "Go to the restroom and splash some water on your face…I don't know, just wake up and make sure you don't fall asleep in my class again okay?" I nod and he hands me a hall pass. I walk out of the room when I feel a hand come on my shoulder.

I figured it was Ryan, but there was something off about this hand. I got pulled into a janitor's closet, something that's also very Ryan, but again, it felt wrong. I turned and saw who was holding me captive and it turned out to be some guy I'd seen Ryan hang out with. "What are you--"

"Shut up," He said sternly. He had black hair and green eyes which some might find attractive, but they're not Ryan's eyes. This guy's hand on my shoulder felt nothing like Ryan's did; no electricity and warmth. And the look in this guy's eyes alone let me know what he really wanted because I'd seen it a million times in Steve's eyes. I tried to back away, but this guy was so much stronger than me and pushed me hard against the wall and I whimpered softly. "Stop being such a wuss. You freshmen never know how to have any fun," he said with a roll of his eyes.

"Leave me alone," I said angrily.

"I hear that you and Ryan are having a little problem," He said with a roll of his eyes and a small laugh. "What I could never find out about Ryan was why he got everything he wanted. He got the grades, the family, the top man on the team, and he always gets his pick of the babes." He ran his eyes over me and I felt very self-conscious and dirty at that moment. "What I want is a little something of his…" He said, leaning in closer to me.

"Please, let me go," I whimpered.

"No can do, sorry," the guy said, leaning in and pressing his lips hard against mine. I started to cry and hit him on the back but he just kissed me harder. I tried my best to make all the noise I could, hoping someone, anyone would hear me.

He started to creep his hand up my shirt and my heart pounded hard against my chest from fear, not love, like Ryan. Slowly, everything started to seem very far away. I was a million miles away when I heard a door open and someone yell, "Get the hell off of her you son of a bitch!" I heard what sounded like flesh hitting flesh and saw Ryan, so far away, but yet so close. I slunk down against the wall as the guy that had attacked me was on the floor, holding his face.

"Settle down, I was just having some fun," The guy said, raising his hands and laughing.

Ryan though, even though it seemed so far off, was angry. It was the same anger I saw when he found out about Steve. "Don't ever talk to me again, and if I see you within a hundred feet of her I swear I'll kick your ass. Do you understand me?" Ryan asked, his words dripping with venom.

The other guy said, "Yeah, whatever." He looked at me and rolled his eyes. He walked away and Ryan looked down at me, his face softening and his fists unclenching.

He closed the small gap that way between us that had felt like a million miles and took me into his arms. I flinched a little and he pulled back, looking scared. "It's going to be okay," He said softly. He helped me stand and walked me back to my classroom, not saying anything. He left me out in the hall and went to deal with my teacher. I guess he must have made a good story or told the truth because suddenly he was taking me to his car. "Summer…" I mumbled after a while, the first word that I'd said since he found me.

"Yeah, what about her?" He asked softly, looking at me.

"She'll be worried…" I said after a while. I feel very violated at the moment, something I hadn't felt in a while. Ryan drives me home, and we don't say anything the whole way there. When we arrive, he takes me inside and upstairs to my room. No one's home, thank God.

He lays me gently on the bed and sits on the edge and stares at me as if I'll disappear. "I'm so sorry…" He says after a while in a whisper. "This is all my fault…"

I shake my head and say, "None of it is your fault, Ryan."

He nods and says, "I shouldn't have told that guy about you. I should've been there with you…I should've protected you…" He trailed off.

"You did protect me," I say softly. Ryan looks hurt and lost. I take a hold of his hand and kiss it softly, mustering up a small smile to give him. "you stopped him, and that's all I can ask for," I whisper. I tug on his arm a little until he's laying next to me, but keeping his distance. "About earlier…at lunch, and the other day…"

"It's okay. It doesn't matter," He said.

I shake my head and say, "Yeah, it does." I let out a long sigh and look into his eyes. I try to come up with the right words to say when I realize that there are no right words. I just look into his eyes and somehow the words come to my lips. "I'm afraid I'm going to lose you."

He shakes his head and says, "You'll never lose me…"

I nod and say, "Yeah, I can lose you. Next year you're going to be in college and I'll be here in high school still…and there are so many things that can go wrong." I look away from him but he puts his hand on the side of my face and makes me look into his eyes again.

"No, it won't happen. No matter where I am, no matter how many miles separate us…I'll still be right here with you…" He leans in and kisses my forehead softly.

"And I've been having these bad dreams too and it makes it so much worse," I say.

He shakes his head and sighs. "Is that why you haven't been sleeping?" I nod and he says, "Come here." I obey and scoot towards him. He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head ever so softly. "I love you, and I promise you that I'm going to protect you. No matter what dreams you have, no matter what fears you have, just talk to me about it. I'll always be here for you."

I turn and look into his eyes. I put my hands on the side of his face and smile. I lean in and kiss him softly. When our lips unite, it's like time stops for us. All of my worries wash away and all that's left is Ryan's body pressed up against mine. I pull back after a while and say, "Thanks."

"No problem," He says with a grin. I cuddle up against his chest and he tightens his hold on me. I listen to his heart beat, steady and normal. I smile a little to myself and for the first time in days I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	16. Ask Me Why

**A/N So here's the next chapter. I don't know what to think of it, other than the ending is a weird way to end a chapter and it doesn't seem to fit, but I'm kind of tired so I hope you can deal with me. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT POST!! Okay, so you know when I told you that there were things in the story that were true and that you might not like it, but I'd use it anyways...well, here you go, weird thing number one. You're probably going to finish the chapter and be like, wtf?, that's random. But oh well, you'll get over it. The song used is, 'Ask Me Why' by none other than The Beatles. Also, someone asked me how many chapters are left in the story. I can't give you an exact number, but know that there are quite a few…and if I estimated, I'd say a little more than seventeen, including a special post from Ryan's POV which is going to be fifth from last I think of the actual story part. I will also do an afterward: the real story, which is basically what it says; the real story. I'll tell who it was that I know, what really happened, the story, how they are now, all that good stuff. I beg you to read that very ending, it will mean a whole lot to me. Anyways, thanks for all the reviews from the last chapter. R/R, enjoy..hopefully!**

**Ask Me Why**

Months pass. January turns into late March. Holidays and birthdays come and go quickly and everything just seems to pass by so fast. Whoever said, 'time flies when you're having fun' really got that saying on the dot. The last couple of months with Ryan have been more than I could ever dream of. My nightmares still come, just not as frequent as they used to. They're still just as bad though, if not worse. Ryan tries to console me afterwards, when I call him in the middle of the night crying, but really, there's nothing he can say. Most of my nightmares are far fetched and will probably never happen in a million years, but everyone knows that we're afraid of the things, even if there's nothing logical about them.

One time I dreamt that Steve came into my room one night and raped me. I don't know where Ryan was at the time, but he wasn't anywhere near me. I remember crying out for him, but Steve just kept laughing at me, saying something that I couldn't understand. The tears streaming down my face were so real that I didn't even guess it was a dream, like I sometimes can. The pain I felt was so real and raw that I can feel it still sometimes, even though it's been a couple of weeks since I had the dream. I can still remember it vividly; the way it felt to lose everything in just an instant.

In the dream, I got pregnant. I was mortified, scared beyond words. Holding that pregnancy test in my hand was like holding a gun that you knew would kill you. I felt like I was going to be executed, that my life from then on was just worthless. There was no way that Ryan would want to be with me when I was pregnant, I was sure of it. He'd understand, he'd nod and smile at the right places, but something inside of him would change. He'd want to be the guy that was the father of my child, not some old and dirty man who couldn't keep it in his pants.

That was the hardest for Ryan to comfort me after. I wouldn't tell him exactly what happened in the dream for reasons I can't really explain. It was like there was some unexplainable force preventing me from telling him all the dirty details that my mind had mysteriously created to freak me out. Ryan tried and tried to get me to speak, careful not to push me over the edge, but I wouldn't budge on the subject, so he eventually left me alone. For that, I've always loved him for.

Valentines Day was filled with loving moments, stolen kisses, and lots and lots of chocolate. I made Ryan promise not to buy me anything because just having him was enough for now, but he had to go all out and ended up writing me a heart felt letter. Seth laughed when he found out, managing to say that Ryan was not a man of many words in between breaths. Ryan ignored all the teasing and had asked if I liked it. After reading it, seeing everything that he felt for me, I actually cried.

_Dear Marissa,_

_So I don't do this often...any of this. I don't really date girls, and I really don't fall in love, at least I didn't...before you. Writing has never been my strongest point, neither has talking...or anything really for that matter that came to girls. I'm either too emotionally detached or too shy for a girl to really want to be with me. And I haven't really taken a large interest in girls either. I used them for one thing only...and I don't really want to go into detail about that._

_But you're different. I don't know what it was about you that first day when we met, but ever since, I haven't been the same. I can't describe what I felt when I first saw you, but there was just something, a voice in my mind, saying, "She's the one! Don't let her go!" I don't even know if that makes much sense to you at all, but it's what happened. And I followed the advice, and it led us here, together at last. I can honestly say that I've never been as happy as I am whenever I'm with you. Seeing your smile everyday is what makes my life worthwhile. I want you to know that I can't stand to see you cry. It feels like a part of me is crying right there along with you. So do me a favor and never get sad. I know that's hard sometimes, especially considering what you've been through, but know that I'll always be there to hold you, to help you through whatever hard times may come._

_Speaking of hard times, I'm sorry for everything you've been through, and I'm really sorry for the way I reacted. I pushed you away for a couple of minutes there, and I know those couple of minutes must have been really hard for you. I love you. I don't know how many times I can say it until you completely understand what it means, but I'll keep saying it. I love you, I love you, I love you. If every minute we spend together takes away just one second of the pain that you felt because of that monster, I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you and be happy. Know that those hard times are over. As long as we're together, I'll make the hard times stop._

_I know this letter isn't exactly the most romantic thing done in history. It isn't a sonnet, it isn't any large poem, it isn't anything more than what I want you to know but am too afraid and nervous to actually speak to your face. I could write a million songs using the best rhymes in the universe, I could bring John Lennon and have him and Paul McCartney write you your own love song, I could give you the moon and the stars and the whole universe, but none of it would be good enough for you. You deserve so much more than me, and it makes me feel so lucky to have you pick me of all the men on the earth that you could've been with. You could give me nothing else for the rest of our lives and I'd be okay because you've given me the one thing that matters most in the world to me; your heart._

_I hope you have a wonderful Valentines Day._

_I love you,_

_Ryan_

_P.S. I stuck a lollypop in the envelope. I hope you enjoy it._

_**I love you, 'cause you tell me things I want to know.  
And it's true that it really only goes to show,  
That I know,  
That I, I, I, I should never, never, never be blue.**_

Ryan hadn't understood why I was crying, how much his words really meant to me. That man thought that he'd made me sad in some way. I swear he has so much to learn about relationships sometimes.

Anyways, Ryan's birthday also came. It was his eighteenth. I think it scared me more than it did him that he was turning eighteen. It meant that we only have a little while left until he graduates and eventually leaves for college. He always shrugs it off whenever I bring up the subject of him leaving for college. He won't even tell me what colleges he applied to. Seth was just as stumped as me as to which colleges his brother had applied to. All Seth said was that he knew that Ryan had been offered a full scholarship to a couple of schools because of his athletic ability. College applications should be coming any time now, and that really makes me a little scared. I'm not ready to lose Ryan to all the joys of college, not yet. If only I was three years older, or he was three years younger.

Ryan's birthday was spent at the Cohen house. It was low key and simple, just like Ryan likes all events. The Cohens gave him new clothes, money, all the normal stuff. Trying to find a present for Ryan was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I got Summer to come with me and we shopped for hours with no result. I asked Seth some suggestions and he shrugged and told me that Ryan was not a big material possession kind of guy.

When I asked what he was giving Ryan, he said that he was going to make a comic for his brother about what Ryan had done to make his life better. After leaving Seth's room, I started having an idea form in my mind.

I ended up making Ryan a CD for his birthday. It was just a mixture of songs that I really loved, or songs that reminded me of him or our relationship. On it included a song by Jeff Buckley called 'Hallelujah' which I consider one of my favorite songs due to the haunting melody. Another song on it was the song by South called 'Paint the Silence' because it was just a favorite of mine. Other artists on the mix were The Beatles, Van Halen, Chicago, The Clash, Placebo, Coldplay, and many others. When I handed him the CD, he glanced at me curiously, and then looked down at it and smiled. I have to say, I'd never been more pleased to see a smile on anyone's face before in my life. That night we listened to it in his room, cuddled up on his bed. I can't say I've ever felt safer in my entire life.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

You know you're in love when you wake up at six in the morning so that you can have enough time to spend with the one you love before school starts. You know it's love when you smile at your mom so that she doesn't make you stay home and spend 'family time' with her and her really disgusting and perverted pig of a boyfriend. You know it's love when you actually look forward to school because you know that you get to see the person you love there as well as before and after school. You know it's love when you don't have to call or hear a knock on the door to know that the person you love is just outside your door. You know it's love when you are always aware of the exact amount of space between your arm and that of your lover.

What Ryan and I have is love. It's true love that can't be broken or destroyed. It's the kind of love that people spend their whole lives waiting for, that some people don't even get after a lifetime of waiting. It's the kind of love that girls dream of when they're little and start thinking about happily ever afters. It's the kind of love that makes you smile and close your eyes and feel like the sun is always shining, even on the rainiest of days. It's the kind of love that makes you want to dance around all the time, to write a song explaining this amazing feeling you're always having. It's not being afraid to take chances and love with your whole heart exposed and on your sleeve. I never thought that I'd be able to have that kind of love, but Ryan makes just about anything happen.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm happy.

Really happy. So happy that I think I just might burst from happiness and even then I'd still be happy.

The thing about happiness though is that even though we believe it won't, even though we swear it won't happen to us, happiness always ends. It's not matter of if, but when. Little did I know that my happiness was closer to ending than any of us might think.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**Now you're mine, my happiness still makes me cry.  
And in time, you'll understand the reason why,  
If I cry,  
It's not because I'm sad, but you're the only love that I've ever had.**_

It was a school day, about a week before my birthday which happens to be April 9. For those of you that can do the math, you know it's April Fools Day. I've never been a big April Fools Day person, and made that clear to Ryan when he called saying that he was going to give Taylor a ride to school instead of me that morning, followed by an April Fools! My mom no longer bothers to make the day interesting. Where she used to try all kinds of jokes and stuff, she now just grunted at me in the morning and then went back to sleep after making sure to acknowledge me in some way. I remember my dad used to make the whole thing a lot of fun, but ever since he left, it just hasn't been the same. No one really knows the whole story behind my loss of April Fools spirit, but no one has really cares enough to ask.

Ryan arrives at my house at the normal time where he is promptly greeted with a good morning kiss, making the day better for the both of us. His arms wrapped around me make me feel safe and secure. I never wanted for him to let go. "Good morning," He murmured against my lips, leaning in to kiss me softly and tenderly once again.

"Yes, it is a good morning," I mumble back, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly so that he can't get away from me. We kiss until we both are breathless, and even then, we don't want to pull back. I'm the first to pull away though and Ryan leans his forehead against mine.

"I don't know how I went so long without this…without you," He says with a smile. He looks deep into my eyes, into the deep corners in my heart reserved only for him, and he makes me feel a little light headed. It's a good thing we're holding each other so tightly, or I might have collapsed, that's how weak my knees were getting. My heart thudded hard in my chest, a feeling that I still haven't grown used to even after all these months. I smile at him softly, his words touching my heart, and lean in to kiss him again when I regain my breath.

After a while of just kissing in my front door, I say, "We need to go…"

He shakes his head and brings our lips together in another kiss, making me giggle slightly against him. "No, you can't make me either," he mumbles.

"Yes," I manage to get out, squirming out of the kiss. He just pulls me into another kiss though, and I have to say, I really had no motivation to stop him. Half heartedly I say in between kisses, "We…have…to…get…to…school…"

"School will wait…" He says, pulling back and looking into my eyes for just a moment, a smirk on his face.

I shake my head, my eyes twinkling as I retort, "But my mom won't be pleased to see us making out in the front door when I should be getting to school."

He let out a playful sigh, his eyes also sparkling from the teasing banter. "I guess we can go to school…if you really want to…" He smiled at me, warming my heart and making me melt into his arms. "But you have to promise one thing," he said, his smile disappearing and a look of seriousness on his face.

"Anything," I say quickly, sure that I can give him whatever he wants and that would be okay with me.

A grin breaks out on his face and he says, "You have to promise me that you'll kiss me again later."

I roll my eyes playfully and say, "We'll see."

"I'll hold you to that," He says, pecking my lips one more time. He looks down at the watch I gave him for Christmas, or Chrismukkah, and says, "We really should get going though."

I nod and free myself from his grasp and grab his hand instead, leading him out the door. "Yeah, see, I'm always right."

"Oh is that so?" He asks teasingly, following me to the car.

"Yes it is, don't you know?" I ask, looking over my shoulder at him with a teasing smile.

"No I didn't, but I'll keep that in mind from now on," He says, and we get to the passenger side of the car. He opens the door and I get in, but he doesn't let go of my hand. I turn to him and he leans in and kisses me softly once more. He pulls back and my smile widens. "Sorry, I couldn't help myself," he says with a sheepish smile.

"It's okay, I guess I'll be able to forgive you…" I say with a playful sigh, acting like I'm very upset. "On one condition though…"

_**I can't believe it's happened to me  
I can't conceive of any more misery.**_

"What is that?" He asks, and then goes to get into the driver's side of the car.

I take his hand and lace it together with mine and repeat the same punishment that he'd said before. " You have to promise to do it again later."

He starts the car and smiles. "I think that can be done."

And then we're off to school.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

At lunch, Ryan always mysteriously ends up eating with me. I don't know how a senior can be eating during the freshman lunch period, but he has his ways. Maybe he has a free period or something at that time, but whatever the reason, I love having him sitting there with me. We sit outside and he has his arm around me which usually causes me to have so much butterflies in my stomach that I can't eat anyways. Today I just eat an apple and drink some water and Ryan keeps nuzzling his face against my neck, causing me to giggle a lot and Summer to roll her eyes and remark at how disgustingly cute we are together, which she does all the time anyways.

When I'm done with my apple, Ryan kisses my cheek and I smile. "I love you," He murmurs softly in my ear, his voice husky and deep, making me fall under some kind of spell.

"I love you too," I say quietly, looking over into his eyes. He starts to lean in to kiss me when we hear someone clear their throat.

"As much as I love your little lovey dovey faces and googly eyes at each other, there are people here trying to eat," Summer says, rolling her eyes and sighing. "I don't even know why I bother to sit with you guys, it isn't like anyone ever talks to me…no, it's all, 'OMG, I love you Ryan, my totally hot boyfriend…or 'I Heart Marissa Cooper, my younger freshman girlfriend with the hot body'… And I'm stuck here attempting to eat with no boyfriend at all when you two are supposed to be acting like FRIENDS, not like some big shot lovers with no care for the world and their eyes lost in each other's and all that garbage…."

Ryan and I look at Summer with smirks on our faces and try not to laugh in the middle of her long, rambling lecture. When she's done, I ask, "Sum, are you done?"

She sighs and nods. "Yes, I am done." She composes herself and offers us a smile. "So where were we?"

Ryan looks at me, and then at her and says, "Well, me and Marissa were just about ask you what YOU wanted to talk about because we feel bad for being such big shot lovers and all…" I smack Ryan's chest playfully and he asks, "What?"

I roll my eyes and Summer does the same. "I can't believe that you, Mr. Big Shot Senior, are making fun of me. That' sooo not cool."

I laugh and say, "Well, in his defense, you are saying big shot a lot."

Summer glares at me and says, "You're supposed to be on my side, remember?"

I shrug and look over at Ryan who is pretending to be a hurt puppy. "But look at this adorable face…" I say, rubbing one of his cheeks.

Ryan nods and gives the puppy dog look so well that even Summer lets out a sigh and says, "Fine. I guess I'll just have to deal with the fact that you guys are grossly adorable." She looks at her cell phone and says, "Besides, it's time to go to class anyways."

She gets up and Ryan kisses my cheek and quietly says into my ear, "I'll be right back," and then stands and walks after Summer. "I need to ask you som35hint," I manage to make out, even though he's talking quiet. He turns his back to me and I can no longer hear any of the conversation, just see Summer nodding and saying it was fine. Then Ryan comes back over to me and smiles and grabs my hand and I stand up.

"What was that about?" I ask curiously, looking at Summer's retreating form. Then I divert my gaze back to Ryan and wait for an answer.

He shakes his head and puts an arm around me as we walk towards my locker. "It was nothing you need to worry about," He says.

I look up at him and say, "Maybe I don't need to worry about it, but I'd like to know about it."

_**Ask me why, I'll say I love you,  
And I'm always thinking of you.**_

Ryan shakes his head and says, "It's nothing, believe me." We reach my locker and he pins me up against it and makes me look into his eyes. He gives me a small smile and says, "We were talking about your birthday in exactly a week. And I asked her if she could give you a ride home because there's something I have to do after school today." He leaned his facer closer to mine and asked, "Are you satisfied now?"

I shrug and say, "Not really."

He raises his eyebrows and asks, "Why not?"

I smile a little and say, "Because you haven't given me a kiss yet."

He rolls his eyes playfully and says, "Well, I guess I could manage that…" He leans in and presses his lips against mine. I smile against the kiss and he runs a hand through my hair softly, and pulls my face even closer to his. His lips feel so good against mine that I want us to stay this way forever. He put his other hand on one of my cheeks rubs it tenderly. His fingers feel hot on my skin, like I'm getting burned, but it's an amazing feeling instead of uncomfortable.

I pull back after a little while and say, "We need to get to class…" I look into his eyes and smile.

"I guess we do," he says, nuzzling his face against mine. "I'll see you later?" He asks.

"I guess. When are you going to be done doing this mysterious thing that you have to do after school?" I ask, wondering how long I have to wait to be with him again.

He shrugs and says, "Come by at six….I should be done then…" He sighs and pulls back a little. "At least I hope so.." His mind wanders and I wonder what it's thinking of. I think of this thing he has to do and wonder if I should ask about it or if that makes me sound needy and whiny. I've never been in a relationship before and I don't know what to do half the time at moments like this. Not that there are a lot of moments like this. He focuses on me again and smirks a little. "You have nothing to worry about. I'm just going to be talking to the Cohens after school. They want some big family talk or whatever…"

"And what makes you think that's what I was thinking about?" I ask, a little dazed at how he could read me that easily.

"I know you," He says with a grin, like it's some great accomplishment.

"Oh really?" I ask, raising my eyebrows. I put my hands on my hips and challenge, "What am I thinking right now?" I raise my eyebrows playfully.

He looks at me for a second and then says, "You're thinking two things. One, class is starting soon, and two, you have no idea what to start thinking!" He sees my look of shock at him guessing right and he grins smugly. "As I said, I know you." He pecks my lips and says, "Now I have to get to class. I'll see you at six."

And then he walks away to class.

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_**I love you, 'cause you tell me things I want to know.  
And it's true that it really only goes to show,  
That I know,  
That I, I, I, I should never, never, never be blue.**_

I arrive at Ryan's house at exactly six. I knock on the door but no one answers, so I go around back and look in the pool house. I look around and call out, "Ryan?" I keep doing this, then realize that Ryan isn't in here. I frown and wonder where he can be. He said six right? I go back and think of our earlier conversation and nod to myself. Yeah, it was six, I'm sure. I begin to wonder if he's in the actual house and I walk out back, closing the pool house door, when I hear a lot of yelling. This was odd considering I never hear any yelling in this neighborhood. What was even stranger was the fact that it was coming from inside the Cohen house. I'd never heard any of the Cohens raise their voice a little bit, much less yell at each other. I wonder if I should go inside or come back later, but then I realize that my mom already dropped me off and there's no way to leave.

I take tentative steps toward the back door of the house, not sure that this is such a good idea. Maybe I should go back around front and just keep ringing the doorbell until someone hears me, not that they even could hear me because they were so loud. I just stand there in the back, my hand on the door knob, listening to the argument taking place by what seems to be Ryan and Sandy. "…Seth gets into Brown! Granted it's not Berkeley, but at least he applied to a school in the first place!"

"Don't bring me into this. I didn't do anything wrong…" Seth says, butting into the conversation. "Don't bring anyone into this that you don't have to. Ryan did what he did and there's nothing we can do about it now."

What did Ryan do?

Better question: Do I want to know?

Now I hear Kirsten's voice come into the conversation as the wise mother. "Sandy, I think you should cool down a little bit and collect yourself before you star--"

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do! Ryan didn't listen and consult us before he did what he had to, why should I?" Sandy says, exploding furiously.

I put my head against the door and it's then that I can see that everyone's in the kitchen. Ryan is closer to the door, his back turned to me. From what I can see, he seems highly disturbed yet motivated by whatever decision he made. Kirsten is leaning against the counter, her gaze flipping between Sandy and Ryan. She's biting her lip nervously. Sandy has one hand in the air, making gestures as he speaks, and the other is running through his hair. Seth is away from everybody, his arms cross, his face for once serious and grim. He looks worried about something, but I can't tell what by just looking at him. I wish I could see Ryan's face clearly, but I can't. Seth's body is angled towards the back door and he turns his head a little and sees me peering in. He gazes at me questioningly and I point to everyone and mouth, "what's going on?"

_**Ask me why, I'll say I love you,  
And I'm always thinking of you.**_

Seth sighs and mouths back, "Sandy found out…"

I'm about to ask what when Seth comes to the back door and lets me in. "What?" I ask quietly, walking into the house, hoping no one notices me.

"About college, or lack of going to college," he whispers, leading me to the corner of it all.

I want to ask what Seth means by this. Ryan wasn't going to college? I knew that he had scholarships and stuff, but I just didn't know where and if he was going or not. Ryan not going to college seemed absurd and ridiculous, but I couldn't say that at the moment. No one notices me, other than Seth, at the moment, and that's when Ryan finally decides to speak. He looks up at Sandy, his gaze hard and cold, and firmly says, "I'm not going to college…not yet. It's too late to submit another application. Besides, I've already talked to some guys when they came up to school and I can enlist when I graduate. I'm going whether you like me to or not…"

Kirsten's voice shakes as she says, "But you could hurt yourself…or worse. I can't let you go…not my son."

He looks at her, his gaze softening and he says, "I know, and I don't mean to hurt you…but it's not up to you to decide. I'm joining the army, and that's that."

Army? Ryan? Why?

I guess as this is all processing, I made a small squeak. I put my hand up to my mouth and all eyes in the room fall on me. Ryan's blue eyes find mine and his face goes from determined to loving and then to shock and to fear all in a moment. "Marissa…" He says softly, moving towards me.

"Six o'clock," I say, moving away from him. Tears start to form in my eyes as I stare wide eyed at this man that I thought I knew…that I thought told me everything. "You said six o'clock and I came and I heard yelling and…" I trail off and look at Sandy who's gaze has softened a little at my obvious pain. "…and…army…" I turn and start to run from Ryan, not able to deal with this. Not able to process what this means for us.

"Marissa, wait," He calls after me, running to catch up. He's faster than me and his vision isn't blurred by tears, so he gets and advantage and gets catches me. He puts his arms around me and pull me to his body and softly murmurs, "I didn't want you to find out this way…"

His words and explanations don't mean much to me at that moment though. Because at that moment, my mind could only process three words; Ryan, Army, Death. All that I can see are bombs going off and tombstones. Lots of tombstones, all of them lined up in a row. I see the guns and the salutes, the American Flag being folded up and handed to someone. I see a body being lowered into the ground, feel like a million bullets are lodged deep in my heart, that there's no way I can ever feel the same again. I think back to the last time that I felt this way on April Fools Day, like someone had betrayed me. I feel that familiar pain and add it onto the new one that I got from Ryan deliberately lying to me all this time and leading me to think that he was going to go to college and things would be perfectly normal next year. I look at Ryan and softly whisper, "How could you?"

And he has no reply.

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_I was eight. My dad dropped me off at school in the morning and flashed his pearly white teeth, making me wonder how teeth can get so perfect. He kisses my forehead and tenderly says, "I'll be here later okay? I'll come pick you up and we'll go get a balboa bar and walk along the pier just like you like. How does that sound?"_

_I nod my head excitedly, thinking of the cold chocolate coating and vanilla ice cream in my mouth, causing my mouth to water. "That sounds good, daddy," I say. My dad smiles at me, tilting his head to the side, his eyes looking sadder than I'd ever seen them before. "Why are you so sad?" I ask._

_He shakes his head and says, "No reason." He kisses my forehead once more and says, "Get onto class now, you don't want to be late."_

_I nod and get out of the car. It's April Fools Day and the day is filled with stupid jokes and even though you don't want to, you laugh anyways. I wave by to my friend Summer and skip to the place where my dad's car is always parked, ready for me. I open the door and see my mom there instead, her eyes red and puffy, like mine always get after I cry. My dad always comes into my room and makes me feel better though. "Where's daddy," I ask._

_My mom shakes her head and sniffles a little. "He's not here anymore baby," She says softly. I wonder if this is really my mom talking to me. First of all, my mom never calls me anything but Marissa, or my full name, Marissa Cooper, if I'm in a lot of trouble. And second, this new person that pretends to be my mom said that my dad was no longer here, and that just wasn't right. My dad was going to take me to the pier and we were going to get balboa bars._

_I grin and laugh a little bit, as it all comes clear. She was playing an April Fools joke! "You can stop the joke now, I get it!" I say, giggling a little. My dad's always playing jokes on me on April Fools Day._

_My mom shakes her head and says, "This is no joke, your daddy is gone. He left this morning, after he left you for school." And that's when my mom starts to tell me all about when my dad left us, how he just took his things and said he needed some space. My smile goes somewhere far away and all that's left are all the tears that I haven't really had to use that much in my life. I feel the hot, salty tears fall down my face and I think that they taste like the ocean, and that makes me cry even harder because my dad was supposed to take me to the pier where we were going to get to see the ocean while eating our balboa bars._

_I lost a little bit of my smile. I always thought that my dad took it, just like he a big chunk of my heart, just like he took my love for April Fools Day. Just like he took a lot of his things that day. I vowed right there, even though I wasn't really sure what a vow was (it was a cool word at the time that I heard used on TV), that I would never let anyone hurt me again like my dad did that day. So I never smiled on April Fools Day, I never let myself laugh, even after years went by and my mom started to forget about what happened on that day. April Fools Day._

_**I can't believe it's happened to me.  
I can't conceive of any more misery.  
Ask me why, I'll say I love you,  
And I'm always thinking of you.  
**_

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**A/N 2: I'm curious, what do you guys think will happen?**


	17. We Can Work It Out

**A/N Okay, here's the next chapter. The song used is, 'We Can Work It Out' by the Beatles. If you don't listen to the music that I use in each chapter, you really should. I love to just listen to the songs on my Ipod (I made a play list called L & L with all the songs for the whole story) and it's really cool to remember what I wrote while listening to it. I hope this chapter is what you want it to be. The talk between Ryan and Marissa will be in the next chapter, so you'll have to wait a little while longer. You know what to do, thanks!**

Do you remember when you were little? Most kids looked forward to their birthdays. They would count the days until their birthday, the months, the hours, heck, even the minutes if they were up to it. They'd spend the whole day before their birthday preparing for it, trying to guess what they had gotten. And the night before their birthday is pure torture as they watch the clock slowly creep towards their birthday. They hardly sleep at all and wake up early in the morning and rush to their parent's room, reminding them how important that day is. They spend the whole day smiling, or at least most of it, and by the end of it they're tired and fall asleep content and satisfied.

There used to be a certain magic to a birthday. It's the one day of the year when no one can knock you down, at least it should be. When you're little, it is. Your parents, or at least my parents, would make a big deal about it being my birthday. They'd shower me with love and presents, cake and ice cream, and everything a little kid could possibly want. I used to love my birthday. But somewhere in the long road that is life, we lose sight of the thrills of birthdays and end up thinking our birthdays are just another day of the year. I know that I have no reason to look forward to my own birthday. It means I have to spend time with my mom and Steve since I'm pretty much avoiding Ryan at all costs at the moment. Again. My birthday lost it's spark and I'm willing to bet that tons of people my age have lost that same spark too.

Today I turn fifteen. When I open my eyes in the morning, my first thought is that if you die on your birthday, you're considered a real angel. My second thought is wondering where I'd heard that before. And my third and final thought is why Ryan is in my bedroom staring at me nervously and how he got into my room so that he could stare at me at all. All other thoughts are erased when he opens up his mouth and blurts out, "Happy Birthday."

And it's those words that cause me to know that today is not going to be a good day. I get up out of bed and walk to my bathroom and shut it behind me. I brush my teeth and fix my hair a little, ignoring Ryan's knocks on the other side of the door and quiet pleading for me to open up the door and actually speak to him. When I'm finished doing everything I can possibly do to delay talking to Ryan face to face, I open the door and see him staring at me, his eyes holding sorrow and pain, darkening the hue of his eyes. Even though I don't want to, I notice the way his sandy blonde bangs fall into his eyes and how dark it is under his eyes; evidence that he hasn't been sleeping well like I haven't. I cross my arms over my chest, shielding my heart from him, and ask, "What do you want, Ryan?"

_**Try to see it my way,Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?While you see it your way,Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone.**_

He sighs and takes a tentative step closer to me. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction; I take a step back. He takes this almost as bad as a physical blow. He struggles with words to say, and then finally says, "It's your birthday and whether you've been acting like it or not for the past week…I am your boyfriend and I love you. Sooner or later you'll stop doubting that, and I'll still be here for you. It's your birthday…and I wanted to be with you because…" He looks deep into my eyes, into that place that only he can see, and in a barely audible voice says, "I'm here because I'm sorry."

I stare at him, my eyes cold and hard. "Well guess what?" I ask bitterly.

"What?" He replies.

"I don't care," I remark churlishly. I look away from him and say, "For all I care, you can go off to war and die. That's how dead you are to me right now."

He shakes his head and takes another step towards me. This time he's quicker than me and he puts his warm hands on my arms and forces me to look into his eyes. He stares at me for a long time, until I'm under his spell and I can't fight back anymore. He shakes his head once again and says, "I will never leave you alone. I love you too much for that. I may be thousands of miles away, but I'll never leave you on your own forever." He leans his face a little closer and says, "I won't die…I promise you I won't."

I'm quiet for a while and I figure that Ryan thinks that I'm giving up and that he wins. But after a long time of just staring at each other, I yank his hands off of my arms and say, "It's my birthday and I have one wish from you."

He doesn't break his gaze from me, doesn't waver at all. "What is that?" He asks softly.

I look away from him and walk towards the door. "Get out and leave me alone, for today at least," I say, probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. "We can talk some other day, any other day…but today is my day.' I look back at him and finish. "And on my day, I don't want you here."

As I speak, you can already see the impact that my words have on him. If it's possible to watch a heart be ripped to sheds in front of someone, that's what this must look like. He looks as if he could cry, but he doesn't, only nods and pulls something out of his pocket. "I bought this for you…" he says, his voice thick with emotion that he's trying desperately to hide. "It's a promise ring," He continues, opening up a small, black velvet box and looking at it. "I know that I hurt you, and if you could give me a chance to explain my actions, I will do that." He looks up and into my eyes sadly and says, "If there's anyway that you can find it in your heart to forgive me…any chance that we could ever be like we used to be…" He sets the box on my desk and says, "Wear this ring and the next time I see you, I'll be looking for it. Because if you wear this ring, we're promising ourselves to forever together. It isn't an engagement ring, not yet. But when you're old enough, I know that we'll get married. When you realize that, the ring is here, waiting." He walks away without another word, leaving me to the ring.

Long after he's left, I stay there, staring at that ring. It's a beautiful ring, a mystic topaz heart with two small diamonds on either side of it, but it's also representing everything that I don't need right now. I don't need Ryan and I don't need love. I don't need a small ring to show that I will love someone until the end of eternity. I don't need promises because I know that they will most likely be broken. And even though the ring brings tears to my eyes that Ryan would go through the trouble of getting me it in the first place, it brings tears to my eyes for him and everything he's said and done that made me think things could actually be okay. Things would most definitely not be okay. Ryan was going off to war and I was stuck here with my mom and Steve. If that's okay, then I don't want to know what not okay means.

And just when I think things can't get worse, I look at my doorway and wonder if there is a such thing as ghosts.

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_**We can work it out,We can work it out.**_

_It is my seventh birthday. The second I open my eyes, I remember what day it is and jump out of my bed and rush to my parent's room. When I open the door, they're both asleep. I sigh and roll my eyes. Parents can sleep way too much sometimes. I figured that I need to wake them up, so I climb up onto their bed and shout, "It's my birthday people! Come on, come on! It's time for presents!"_

_I hear my mom mumble to my dad, "Did you know it was her birthday?"_

_And then I hear my dad reply, "No…I totally forgot." They both open their eyes and my dad says, "Sorry kiddo, no presents this year…"_

_I shake my head and say, "You guys are lying! You did that last year!"_

_And then my parents laugh and my mom says, "She's getting smart."_

_I nod and say, "Because I'm seven. I'm a whole year smarter."_

_My dad looks over at my mom and grins. "I guess we should be careful then. We have a genius of a daughter now."_

"_Now where's my presents?" I ask, the only question that really matters at the moment. _

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I remember I saw some special on TV once about this boy who's dad had run away. He spent decades asking himself if he was the reason that his father had left. He spent days and nights pondering what he'd done to cause his father to just get up and leave one day. One day he was reunited with his dad and he let a TV network record and show it on TV. The dad had cried and said that he'd always wanted to keep in touch with his son but he wasn't allowed to. I sometimes forget the reasons why, but I always remembered the tears streaming down his wrinkled face and the pure joy written across the son's face as they hugged. I always thought it was stupid. The father didn't have to leave, after all. No one could make him leave. He had a choice in everything.

I remember that story as I see my own father in the doorway, staring at me the same way Ryan had earlier in the morning. This small resemblance makes me even angrier to see him. It's been seven years and one week since I last saw this man who claims to be my father, a part of me. He doesn't say anything so I rudely say, "What is this, return of men I don't want to see day?"

"Marissa…" He says softly, and I see the small wrinkles that have formed around his eyes. I wonder when those formed. He furrows his eyebrows together and I see the worry lines written clearly across his forehead. A part of me wonders if I caused that in some weird way. Another part of me just wants to crawl under the covers and wish everything and everyone away once and for all.

"No, don't Marissa me. You leave for seven years and then mysteriously come back," I say bitterly, shaking my head and putting my hand up to silence him. "I don't want any of this, okay? I'm tired. It's my birthday. I'm supposed to have fun today and all I seem to be getting is lame excuses and apologies along with mysterious pop ins that I didn't ask for. So before you start on this long apology about how you never meant to hurt me and such, I want you to know that I don't want to hear anything more from you." I feel a few tears prick the backs of my eyes and I hate myself for getting emotional about all of this. I just want it all to be over. I don't want to have to deal with things today.

He's quiet and then he lets out a long sigh and walks into my room and gently closes the door behind him. "Whether you like it or not, I'm your dad, kiddo," He says softly, not taking a step towards me. He crosses his arms over his chest, just like I was doing to Ryan earlier. I try to remember if he ever did that when I was little. I can't remember anything much though except for that day that my mom came to pick me up at school and told me he was gone.

"No, you're not my dad," I say, pacing back and forth in front of him. "A dad doesn't leave you at the age of eight to live with a mother who doesn't even know how to take care of you correctly. A dad doesn't cut off all connections and make sure you can't call them or write to them. A dad doesn't come back seven years later and try to make amends for all that he's done…he comes a lot sooner…or better yet, doesn't leave at all." I give him an icy stare and say, "You are not my dad, you're my father that I want nothing to do with."

If my words hurt him at all, he doesn't show it. "Are you done with your little angry speech so that I can talk?" He asks sternly. Suddenly I recall hating being lectured by him.

"Yeah, I guess," I reply, trying to keep up my angry front.

_**Think of what you're saying.You can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right.Think of what I'm saying,We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night.**_

"Good," he says and he works the muscles in his jaw. Then he takes in a deep breath and says, "I didn't want to leave; your mom made me go. I'd had some financial problems at the time and I could've either sold the house and have us start over with no money after paying back all my debts, or I could go to prison. Your mom didn't want to sell the house and that was the largest chunk of money that I could get at the time so she told me to find another way to pay it or go to prison." He shrugged and said, "I went to prison for three years, and then spent the last four years working on a boat, trying to pay off my debts. One of my customers paid a generous amount of money in tips and so now I only owe about a hundred thousand dollars compared to the millions that I had owed." He looked at me for a second, and I saw something from myself in him that I couldn't quite place. Was it his strong determination or the pain that he tries desperately to mask? "And don't think I didn't care. I wrote to you every single day…I sent birthday presents when I got out of jail. I even tried to see you once or twice, but your mom wouldn't let me."

I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. What does anyone do in this kind of situation? Run to him and throw my arms around him, pronouncing that I was wrong and I love him and always missed him? Or do I just continue hating him for all the pain he caused, whether he knew about it or not? Because even though he didn't mean for it all to end this way, he still did start the whole thing with all the debts. I stick with the safe answer and quietly ask, "How did you get mom to let you in?"

He shrugged and said, "She called one day and said that I should come to dinner with you on your birthday. It was out of the blue and totally surprising considering I've been calling her over and over again for the past four years whenever I got a chance to ask if I could see you." He gave me a small smile and said, "So either something really big is going to happen, or she finally listened to me."

I can't help it, I smile too. "I think something big is going to happen."

He nods and laughs a little. "Yeah, your mom never listened to me…"

"She doesn't listen to me either," I say with a shrug. His face turns serious again and he takes a good look at me. I wonder if he notices the way that my hair has changed, if he sees in my eyes all the pain and hurt that has happened. I wonder if he can tell by first glance that I'm in love even though I don't want to be, if he sees the difference in my form. I wonder if he looks at me and sees a little eight year old smiling at him and acting like they have all the time in the world to go to the pier and get balboa bars even though her little world is about to get so much bigger because of the pain. I wonder if he looks at me and sees me or if he sees a person that he wished I could be. Regardless of what he sees in me, I say, "You've missed a lot."

He nods and says, "I know. Maybe we could spend a little while just talking?"

I ponder in my mind what I could say. In the end, there's really only one good answer for the both of us. I shrug and say, "You do owe me a balboa bar and walk down the pier…"

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_**We can work it out,We can work it out.**_

_It's my eighth birthday. My mom says that my dad isn't coming. I cried for three hours straight; I counted. And she still said he wasn't coming, so I cried even harder for another fifteen minutes before I finally just gave up and refused to talk or make sounds at all. What was the use of having a birthday without my dad? This year it wasn't even about the presents. I'd gladly give all the presents in the world in exchange for one very special present; my dad. My mom tells me it's time to open my presents, but I just run to my room and shut the door. I crawl under my blankets and stare out into the darkness. I wonder if the dark even gets tired of being dark and just wants to have some light sometimes. Then I wonder if the dark ever gets afraid of it always being dark and start to laugh a little bit at that idea. The dark afraid of the dark!_

"_What's so funny?" I hear my mom ask softly, sitting down on my bed. She doesn't move the blanket from my face, doesn't do anything but just sit there, waiting for my answer. That makes me really sad because my dad would have already been crawling under the blanket with me, laughing at the darkness along with me. He would've found it funny, but something tells me that my mom will just find it weird and change the subject. That's what grown ups did every time you asked or said something they don't want to talk about._

"_Nothing," I say with a sigh. My mom finally takes the blanket off of my head and stares at me for a little bit, not saying anything, just watching. It makes me really nervous and uncomfortable, so I start playing with the blanket so that I don't watch her watch me. This doesn't help any though because I can feel her eyes on me just like you can feel the sun on your back when you're outside about to get in the pool. _

"_Don't you want to open your presents?" She asks. I begin to wonder how my mom can be so clueless and still be considered a mom. Didn't mom's have a rulebook or something? You know, so they all know not to put a red shirt in with white clothes and know that kissing a cut makes it better? Also, when to say that now isn't a good time and which songs and stories to tell that will make you go to sleep? _

_I shake my head and say, "No, I don't want my presents. I want something better."_

_My mom tucks some of my hair behind my ear and I wonder if maybe she's got this whole mom thing down after all. "What is it sweetie?"_

_I look at her, pout a little, and say, "I just want my daddy back."_

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As we walk down the pier, my dad and I talk about old times that we remember. He brings up a time when I was little and he put me up on his shoulders and I shouted to everyone that I was queen of the world and my dad was my royal horse. I laughed at that and relayed it with a story of how he went to go buy a balboa bar for me and someone came up to me and told me that I was such a cute little girl and I started yelling, "Help, help, it's a strangler!" My dad and I both laughed really hard, remembering all the good times we used to have. We both avoided the topic of here and now, until my dad totally surprised me and asked, "So who is he?"

I stop dead in my tracks when he asks me, my face blushing without me knowing. I tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear and refuse to look at him. "Who's who?" I ask, trying to play it cool.

He laughs and says, "The guy…you know, the one that made you glow the way you do." He makes me look at him and I turn a deeper shade of red. "See, I knew it…there is a guy. What's he look like?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about…" I say casually, walking to the railing and looking out at the water. I remember when Ryan and I held hands here, at this very spot. I can still feel the warmth of his hand over mine for the first time, the way our hands fit so perfectly together. I feel my heart start to beat faster at the memory, and blink my eyes fast so that I get it out of my mind. But one memory leads to the next and before long, I'm stuck in the past with Ryan right there beside me. We're walking along and talking, and Ryan decides to ask me a question that will forever change me and everything in my life.

"_I have a question for you."_

_**Life is very short, and there's no timeFor fussing and fighting, my friend.I have always thought that it's a crime,So I will ask you once again.**_

"_Shoot," I say, looking over at him._

_We stop at the railing and look out at the ocean. Our hands are on the railing, next to each other but not touching. Ryan takes in a deep breath and then asks, "What would you do, if I told you that I loved you?"_

I forget that my dad is watching me while I remember an important moment in mine and Ryan's relationship. I wish I could go back in time and relive every moment over again; even if I have to go through every rape and every tear again. Because even though Ryan isn't dead, there's no guarantee that he won't be this time next year if he's going off to war. "I can't believe my daughter is in love," My dad says, bringing me back to reality. I look at his face and see a large smile spread across it lazily. "Where does the time go?"

I look at him, and then back out at the water and sigh. "I have no idea."

_He softly asks, "Can I kiss you?"_

_I shake my head and whisper, "Not now."_

"_Then when?" He asks, looking into my eyes. "When will it be okay for me to kiss you?"_

"So are you going to tell me about him?" My dad asks, his face turning serious. "Do I need to give him the father-boyfriend talk? I must say, I'm a little rusty on this whole dad thing, so I might actually go easy on him for the time being…"

I laugh a little and say, "What do you want to know about him?"

He shrugs and says, "Why'd you fall in love with him?"

_Because it's impossible not to_, I want to say. Because his eyes are like the ocean where the water is deep and his heart belongs to only me. Because his hair falls into his eyes and when he smiles, it's kind of crooked but so adorable. Because his heartbeat matches mine and my hand is so much smaller than his but seems they seem to fit perfectly. Because he never gave up, even when it looked like things would never get better for us. Because when he kisses me, I feel like I'm flying. Because when I'm with him, I feel that if I died at the moment in his arms, I'd be okay. Because he saved me from myself and all the cruelty of the world. Because he danced with me when no one else thought he would. Because he was the first boy I kissed and the first person to ever look past all of my hate for the world and see that someone inside was worth saving. _Because I just do. _"He…we…it just…fits. It's like peanut butter and jelly. Both are okay on their own, but when you put them together, you get something special," I say with a small smile.

"_We've been over this…they'll love you. It's kind of hard not to…I speak from experience."_

_I roll my eyes and ask, "Are you sure?"_

"_That I love you, yeah." _

My dad just smiles and doesn't say anything. Somehow, unlike my mom, he knows that this is just what I need.

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_**Try to see it my way,Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.While you see it your wayThere's a chance that we might fall apart before too long.**_

_It's my ninth birthday. It has been exactly a year and a week since my dad left me. My mom has stopped trying to make things better. She gave up the whole 'I'm going to be a good mother' act a long time ago. Most kids my age are chasing each other around, saying that boys or girls have cooties. I'm usually at home making lunch for myself, finding my own breakfast, reminding my mom to order take out for dinner. My mom dated once about six months after my dad left. The guy was really ugly. He had eyes that were so light that I had to wonder if there was any color in them at all. He smelled of spicy food which I still haven't liked yet. His shirt was stained with various foods. He blinked way too much. Sometimes when he smiled, his broken tooth showed._

_I asked my mom why she dated him and she replied that there was simply no one else. I asked her then why she had to date at all and she said because that's what grown ups do to make themselves better. One night I woke up to the sounds of my mom being very loud in her bedroom. I knocked on the door over and over again, but it was locked and she couldn't hear me. I went downstairs to the front door and looked out the window beside it. The guy's truck was there. I wondered if he was hurting my mom. Part of me didn't care. So I went into my room and put the pillow over my head, making sure that I couldn't hear anything. I kept it there for a long time, trying to erase the sounds that were coming from my mom's room, trying to erase away the world._

_That same guy is still here now, with my mom. He stays a lot, and I learned to just keep my TV on so that I don't hear anything. My mom gives me my presents and then tells me to go to my room and play or do whatever kids do now. I listen to her, glad that I don't have to actually spend any time with her and her boyfriend. After a pretty nice birthday of watching TV and playing with my Barbie dolls. I go to bed, only to be woken up by my mom's boyfriend a couple of hours later. He's on my bed, a large smile on his face. He pulls down my pants a little and I ask in a small voice, "What are you doing?"_

"_You're a big girl now, aren't you?" He asks._

_I nod and say, "Yes sir."_

_He pulls my pants down even further and starts to mess with my panties. "This happens to all big girls."_

"_It does?" I ask, not believing him._

_He nods and as he does nasty things to me with his fingers, I close my eyes and wonder where my dad is right now and why he can't save me._

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_**We can work it out,We can work it out.**_

My mom decides that we're going to have a family dinner, my dad included. We all go out to eat at some really fancy restaurant that I can't say the name of and I refuse to eat anything because I find that I'm not really that hungry whenever I look at my mom and Steve together. Usually I look away or just stare at my plate the whole time, but now they're going all out and over the top with their PDA. He has an arm around her and is constantly whispering something into her ear that makes her smile and laugh and makes me gag a little in my seat. My dad raises his eyebrows and makes funny faces at me. It makes me wonder how I got on so long without him. While a part of me wants to be so angry at him, the greater part of me understands what it's like to be manipulated by my mom.

"So, we have something to say.." My mom announces halfway through the meal…well, they're meal.

"No really?" I ask, mocking her.

She just rolls her eyes and turns to Steve happily. "We're getting married!"

Now that literally makes my mouth open in shock. My dad looks over at me, evaluates my reaction, and then duplicates it. "Married as in…married?" I ask, my voice squeaking a little bit.

My mom nods and says, "It's so great, isn't it?"

But it's not great. Not even close. My mom isn't in love with Steve, so she has no right to go marry him. Her eyes don't sparkle when she sees him, just when she sees him bring out his checkbook. She doesn't deserve to be happy and married with a rich man because the man she is marrying raped me for goodness sakes. I close my eyes and try to go to my happy place. I try to remember a time when things were getting better and there was nothing that could ever bring me down.

"_I thought you'd like it because it's gold," he says softly, still avoiding my gaze. "And I had them put my name on there instead of yours because I wanted you to wear it so everyone could know that my heart belongs to you…" While he talks, his voice gets softer and softer through the whole thing. I smile, feeling the butterflies working overtime. "But if you don't like it…I could take it back…"_

_I shake my head and put one hand on the side of his face so that he looks at me. My eyes search his as I say, "I love it. It's perfect…really."_

_The corners of his mouth lift ever so slightly into a small smile and he asks, "Really?"_

_I nod and smile back, saying, "Yeah, really."_

_Life is very short, and there's no timeFor fussing and fighting, my friend.I have always thought that it's a crime,So I will ask you once again._

Without saying anything, I stand and run out of the restaurant. I don't look to see if anyone follows, I don't care if anyone follows if I'm honest. I don't even notice the tears that make their way down my face. Instead I think of the only person that has ever been there for me, not wanting anything but me in return. Ryan. I remember that when he smiles at me, his head tilts to the side a little bit and his eyes focus on me like I'm the center of the universe and everything revolves around me. I remember the feeling of his arms being wrapped around me like there's nothing more precious than me, that he has to protect me in any way he can. I remember the texture of his lips against mine, that he tastes of cinnamon and sometimes cream cheese from the bagels he eats. I remember that his eyes only sparkle when his gaze settles on me. I remember that he's leaving for the army when he graduates. I remember how badly I treated him this morning and thought that I had a reason to do so. I remember the way his heart crumbled beneath the weight of hate in my words.

But somehow, I remember that in the worst of situations, it's Ryan that can make the pain go away.

_Ryan looks at me and my heart starts beating triple the normal rate. "We don't have to do this you know…" He says softly, looking deeply into my eyes._

_I find myself taking a step closer to him, unlacing our fingers and putting my hands around his neck. "Now where's the fun in that?" I ask, and then our lips meet into a kiss._

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_**Try to see it my way,Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.While you see it your wayThere's a chance that we might fall apart before too long.**_

When we get home, my dad goes to the guest bedroom where my mom is allowing him to stay and I walk to my own room without talking to anyone. Everyone knows better than to even try to make me feel better, but they just don't know why I'm so upset. I hear Steve mumbled under his breath something about teenage angst and the fact that he'd go and say that when he knows very well how much I hate him for what he's done makes me angry to the point that I just want to throw something at someone. When I'm in my room, I close my door and lock it. I sink down to the floor, my body pressed up against the door. I feel tears slide down my cheeks and I want so badly for Ryan to be here to wipe them away. I know that I could call him, but I'm just not ready to talk about everything with him yet so I remain on the floor.

It's amazing how much can change in the course of seven years. A little girl grows up and becomes a young lady on the outside, but on the inside you can live out an entire lifetime without anyone knowing it. It's the wounds on the inside, the ones that no one can see or touch or mend that hurt the most when you're alone at night, staring at the darkness that may or may not be afraid of itself. I close my eyes and the first image that comes to mind is Ryan right after we kissed for the first time as a couple. _"Did you…did we…well…" He stopped and closed his mouth, probably trying to find better words. Then, after a minute he says, "We just kissed…"_

I wonder how someone that you love and someone that claims to love you just as much, if not more, can not tell you something as big as joining the army. I wonder what it is inside of us that makes us lie, and even more, wonder if it's considered a lie if you only tell part of the truth. I wonder what it is about Ryan joining the army instead of going off thousands of miles away for college. For all I know, he might not even be shipped off to Iraq or wherever they need him. For all I know he could just very well stay in a camp not too far from Newport where we could still talk and walk along the beach while the sun is setting. For all I know everything can be okay. So why is it then that I'm not?

I look up to my dresser where the promise ring Ryan bought me is. I stand up slowly and walk towards it, eying the beautiful jewelry. Do we love someone because of their flaws, or in spite of them? Do we fall in love because we want to, or is it something that you can't help? And if you're hurt by the one person you'd never expect to cause you any pain, does that make you love them any less, or even more because you finally realize that they're human just like you? Ryan's words from earlier play in my mind._ "Wear this ring and the next time I see you, I'll be looking for it. Because if you wear this ring, we're promising ourselves to forever together. It isn't an engagement ring, not yet. But when you're old enough, I know that we'll get married. When you realize that, the ring is here, waiting." _

Then, with a smile beginning to form on my face, I slip on the promise ring and then go to talk to my dad about Ryan.

_**We can work it out,We can work it out.**_

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**A/N 2: So, I figured that you guys go through the time of leaving a review, so I can go through the time of leaving you each individual responses. If you want to ask me anything or whatever, I'll be sure to answer it. I'm going to try this out. Tell me if you want me to continue doing this.**

**Girlz-Rule - **Sadly enough, Ryan is going to join the army. I know this isn't exactly a soon post, but it's a lot quicker than my three month absence. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

**w8ing4rain -** Three omgs, that's awesome, lol. I don't think many people expected the whole army thing, but hopefully you will come to enjoy it in the long run.

**myryry - **I'm glad you loved it. I personally wish Ryan wouldn't go to the army also, but it's a key part of the overall ending of the story.

**Ally - **I'm glad I got the reaction down straight. The whole reaction thing was different for the real person, so I wasn't sure if I was doing a good reaction. I hope your cousin is okay. My Uncle was in the Marines and it was something that changed him forever.

**newportgirl22 - **I'm not so sure about Marissa persuading Ryan out of the whole army thing, but hey, she can try right? I'm glad that you liked that whole ending thing from the last chapter. I wasn't sure if it fit quite the way that I wanted it to.

**elly - **Marissa isn't going to join the army, but regardless, thanks for telling me what randomly popped into your head. It's fun to know what other people think is going to happen.

**anailuj - **I'm glad I left you almost speechless, lol. That makes me feel really good inside to think someone thought my post was amazing.

**sailaway - **You're welcome for the whole telling how many chapters there are left. I think my favorite ones are the last five, but we'll see how you guys enjoy it. Thank you for saying it's one of the best, if not the best. That means a lot to me and I have to say, I really did smile when I read the whole thing about the TV show. I had never thought that before, and to know that you think it could be one is pretty cool. And about the happy ending, well…we'll see J

**Blue Depths - **In complete awe huh? That's really cool. Over one hundred Ryan and Marissa stories and you think mine is one of the best…that means a lot to me. You can never hear that people love your story enough you know? I will explain the whole thing about Ryan joining the army in the next chapter when Ryan and Marissa have a talk. It's cool that you thought about the whole letters thing and that you pretty much guessed what it would be. The story does mean a lot to me because of the whole personal thing. Know that it is someone that I am very close to. About the depression, I hope you're doing okay now because I know how bad it can be. Know that you can talk to me anytime you want, it's just a click away. The sad or happy ending is not up to me to decide for it has been decided a long time ago. My only job is to relay the events to the public so that this amazing love story can be told. I only try to make it do some justice.

**najeda - **well I hope you enjoy this chapter.

**summerbreeze14 - **It's cool that you just started reading and love it. It's always good to have one more person reading your story. I can promise you that I won't abandon the story. I'm going to try to finish it this summer when I have a break from school because I don't think I'll have as much time next year.

**stacey - **That's quite a list you have there. It seems like you're really onto something. I guess we'll have to see J

**Rangersran1 - **I'm glad you're reviewing now. I love my reviews, lol. And yeah, I know, Army is a little unexpected, but bear with me and all will be well…or as well as it can get.


	18. I Need You

**A/N So here's the next chapter. The song used is, I Need You, by the Beatles. I know a lot is going on right now, but there's more to come. It will get better for a little bit, in the next few chapters it will probably be a lot more fluffy than it has been, but I'm not too sure just yet. I want to give a break from all the drama, so we'll see how that goes. If you want to see a picture of the promise ring, email me and I'll send a link. My email is in my profile. Also, I meant to post this last time but I forgot. I saw Phantom Planet in concert, but that's not all. I also got to _meet_** **them! Pretty exciting huh? Also, the countdown for May 18 has started. It is at the ocaddicts website. Just go search the OC Addicts on google or something and you should find that.Thank you for the reviews. R/R, enjoy!**

**I Need You**

Since it was Spring Break, I couldn't go to school and see Ryan the week of my birthday. The first couple of days that was a relief, but now it was really, really annoying. Not only was I stuck in a house with the newly engaged couple (In Summer's words, ew!), I couldn't talk to Ryan. Well, I could talk to Ryan on the phone, but the conversation we need to have is not phone-friendly. So that leaves me in a very large house with my father that I was just getting reacquainted with and my mom with her perverted fiancé that has raped me who knows exactly how many times. Needless to say, I needed and escape, and watching The Valley with Summer just wasn't cutting it, so I needed a new plan. Now it was time to go finally talk to Ryan.

I asked my dad to drive me to the Cohen house. I had told him about Ryan a couple of nights before, right after I put the promise ring on, so he knew who Ryan was. He said he wanted to meet Ryan, but I just couldn't take that step with my dad yet. Besides, Ryan and I were in no shape to start making dates at the moment. So he begrudgingly said he'd drive me to the Cohen house and let me go with Ryan for the day. It was ten in the morning, and I figured they would be up by now. When we arrived, I got out of the car and left, leaving my dad to himself, his words of love and luck unable to escape his lips. I'm glad he's back, but that's just awkward right now. I love you? It's hard to say that and mean it to anyone at the moment.

I knock on the front door and then see that it's unlocked and just step inside. "Hello?" I call out to the empty foyer. I walk to the kitchen and see the Cohens there, all staring at me like I'm some sort of ghost. I raise my eyebrows and say, "This is a warm welcome…"

Seth is the first to recover from seeing me. He rolls his eyes and lets out a playful sigh. "Marissa, no offense, but I'm the only one who's allowed to be sarcastic around here," He says, smiling a little. He comes over and puts an arm around me and leads me to a chair, which isn't necessary considering all I really want to do is talk to Ryan and since he's not here, that kind of defeats the purpose. "And before you say it, you have to know what's been going on for the past week and a half," He says, reading my mind. I swear he's good at that. He looks at his parents and asks, "Should I tell her or should you?"

Kirsten sighs and comes over to me. I stare at them with wide eyes, not understanding what was going on. Did something bad happen? "What do you mean by all of this?" I ask no one in particular, just wanting answers from whoever feels like telling me.

"Ryan hasn't left the pool house, except for your birthday," Kirsten says, putting her hand on my shoulder and looking me straight in the eyes. "Whatever you're doing…or not doing, has had a real effect on him. We try to go talk to him, we get Seth to try to talk to him, all his other friends from school…but he hasn't said anything to any of us but to leave him alone." Kirsten's eyes hold a certain sadness that can only be associated with a child not wanting their parent. It's the same look that my mom had in her eyes after my dad left and I made it certain that if I didn't have him, I didn't want her either. I don't know exactly when that look died out of her eyes, but I had almost forgotten that look of pain until I saw Kirsten's.

"And you think it has something to do with me?" I ask, looking at them. Everyone raises their eyebrows and I say, "Yeah, I know, but still…it's his fault." No one says anything and I stand from the chair and pace back and forth for a little bit. "I mean…he could have told me. He could have said something, anything, but no…he just deliberately lied to me." I look up at them and wait for an answer.

Seth steps in and says, "Yeah, but he's still your boyfriend. He still loves you…" He looks down at my left finger and says, "And by the look of it, you still love him too. If you didn't, you wouldn't be here right now."

I nod and say, "I know, but that doesn't make it any better. He lied." I look at Sandy and say, "You know what I mean." I look at all of them and say, "You all know what I mean. I trusted him with my heart, and he couldn't have told me this one thing? When would he have told me at all? Would he be here the day before his ship off day and say, 'Oh yeah Marissa, I forgot to tell you, but I'm going to Iraq instead of college. Sorry….'"

Sandy shakes his head and says, "He wouldn't have done that and you know it."

I shake my head too and bitterly say, "How can I know? He lied about this didn't he?"

My bitterness shocks everyone, including Sandy who takes a step back like someone's charging towards him. Kirsten decides to step in and warmly says, "He lied, we all know that. You saw how upset Sandy was about it, but you know what?" She looks at me and gives me a motherly smile, something I'm not used to. It's almost as bad as Ryan tilting his head and just gazing at me lovingly. They both cause my stomach to warm and my hatred and worries wash away. "We still love him, and he still loves us." She looks out at the pool house and my gaze follows hers. Knowing that Ryan is in there makes something inside of me soften and my anger to suddenly disappear. Because even though I'm mad at him, I still miss him like crazy. "And you know that." She puts an arm around me and gives me a gently push. "I'd like to see my son at supper today…hopefully you can help with that?" I turn to her and nod, and then walk outside and slowly to the pool house doors. I put my hand on the doorknob and turn to see the Cohens watching me, hope written on all of their faces. I nod towards them and then open the door without knocking.

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_I walk into the doorway of the guest bedroom that my mom has allowed my dad to stay in for the time being. I see him unpacking some shirts and see some cologne on the nightstand. I suddenly remember him smelling like pine trees when I was younger and the memory makes me smile a little, but also causes my heart to hurt a little. I knock on the door softly, regaining my composure and he turns around. A smile creeps onto his face slowly, and he asks, "What's up kiddo?"_

_Kiddo. That word alone used to make me burst out and start crying. I wonder if he knows that he caused me so much pain, if my mom ever talked to him or wrote to him and told him that I needed him back. I blink back the memories and say, "I was hoping I could talk to you…" I trail off and look down at the floor and try my hardest not to blush. "…about Ryan." Too late, I feel the heat creeping up my neck and to my cheeks. I look up to see him smiling widely at me and ask, "Would that be okay with you? He's a big part of my life and if you ever want to get to know me again, that's a good place to start."_

_He nods and walks over to me and places a hand on my shoulder, like he used to when I was little and he was going to tell me something really important and wanted me to listen. His hand is warm, and if memory serves me correct, very rough. He nods and softly says, "I'd love to hear about Ryan."_

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_**You don't realize how much I need you.**_

_**Love you all the time and never leave you**_

_**Please come on back to me. **_

_**I'm lonely as can be. **_

_**I need you.**_

It's dark inside of the pool house. Ryan is under the covers and doesn't move, just groans, "Get out of here. I told you guys a million times already that I want to be alone. What part of that don't you guys understand?" I look over at his bed and wonder how long he's been lying in it. I walk over to the bed, grab a pillow, and contemplate what I could do to him to get him out of the bed. I could whack him over the head with the pillow, yank the blankets off of him, or I could just say his name and that would probably get him up in a scramble. I smirk, amused by my thoughts. Then I decide it's time to get to business.

I hit where I figure his head is and ask, "Is that any way to talk to your girlfriend? I know it's been over a week since we've had a decent conversation, but that still doesn't make it okay for you to be rude." I smirk a little and watch him come to life. He starts moving and gets the blankets off, which is difficult because he's so tangled in them. I try to hold back laughter and watch as he gets out of bed and falls to the floor as he finally gets out of the tangle that was him and the blankets. I cross my arms over my chest and watch his eyes scan the dark room for me. "And you know, there is a such thing as a lamp.." I switch it on and when his eyes immediately fall on me and suddenly, nothing is funny anymore.

He stands, rubs his face and moans a little. His hair is tousled and he's dressed in just a wife beater and boxers, but I don't think I've ever been more attracted to anyone in my life. "Marissa…you're…" he said, his voice thick with the few strands of sleep he still had. "..here." His eyes dart from my left hand to my face and a slow smile breaks out across his face that I'm wearing the ring. He walks towards me a little and even though I don't want to, I let him come up right in front of me and put his arms on my waist. He looks into my eyes and his head tilts in that loving way of his. "I've missed you," he murmurs. He nuzzles his face against mine, our noses grazing each other's and he whispers, "I love you so much…"

He tries to kiss me, but I turn my face so his lips press up against my cheek instead. He pulls back a little, his eyes hurt and confused. I look at him and set my jaw so that I look everything that I feel; hurt, angry, scared, determined. Then I take a step back and say, "I need to know why."

He furrows his eyebrows together and asks, "Why…why what?"

I shrug and take another step back from him. "Why me, why us…why this…" I motion with a hand between us. "I need to know why this is important to you at all…" I look down and feel tears sting the back of my eyes, mocking me for being so weak. Then, in a soft voice, barely audible, I whisper, "Why the army. Why you're leaving me after everything that's happened. I want so much to hate you…" I look up into his eyes, those soft blue eyes that made me fall for him and finish with a defeated, "But I can't. So maybe, just maybe, if I know why…I won't want to hate you anymore. Maybe, just maybe, we'll go back to the way we used to be with me loving you and you loving me and keeping me safe without all the anger and hurt."

He tilts his head a little and asks, "Do you really need this? I thought I've made it perfectly clear this whole time how I've felt. I've written you a letter and I've given you a ring and a necklace to symbolize my love for you. I didn't kill that idiot of a guy that has hurt you just so you wouldn't be alone." He lets out a frustrated laugh and runs a hand through his sandy blonde hair. "I've never given up on you, not once…not ever. Not even when it seemed that you would never let me into your heart, I still cared enough to try. Can you honestly say that you don't know why and how much I love you?" His eyes bore holes into me and I shake my head. "No, no what?" He asks.

"No, I don't know how much you love me or why," I say, diverting my gaze to the floor. I take in a deep breath and say, "Because as far as I can see it, you've done nothing but destroy it all on your own. I want to know how a person can go and do something like that when you're supposed to keep me safe." My eyes turn hard and I stare at him coldly, my eyes piercing. "So don't play Mr. Innocent here because a little over a week ago it was you who destroyed everything, not me."

He looks down at the floor, his face angry and upset with me for not letting this whole thing blow over. Then, slowly, his features soften and he sits down on the bed. He puts his head in his hands and groans, the sound low and deep. He lifts his head a little and turns to look at me, his eyes apologetic. "I know," he says quietly. He looks down at his hands and to no one in particular, he repeats, "I know."

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_**Said you had a thing or two to tell me. **_

_**How was I to know you would upset me?**_

_**I didn't realize as I looked in your eyes...You told me.**_

_I smile and look at my dad with warm eyes. He pats the spot on the bed next to him and I walk over to it and sit down, putting my hands on my knees. He puts a hand on my back and I turn and look at him. We're both new to this whole talking thing, so we don't know how to start. Should I say something about Ryan, or do I wait until he asks a specific question. I begin to think that this whole thing is a mistake when my dad finally breaks the awkward silence and asks, "So, how did you guys meet?"_

_I look down at my knees and let myself relive the memory. I look at my dad and give him a small smile, and then I tell him, "I was having a bad day, like many of my days had been.." I think of Steve and try not to shudder so I don't make my dad suspicious. "And we literally ran into each other. He is a senior and probably the most popular boy in school. Everyone loves him. He plays a lot of sports and everyone knew he'd get into a really great college," I feel my heart begin to ache as I speak the words. "And when we ran into each other, I tried to apologize, but he said it was fine. He asked why I didn't have a backpack, and I said that they were overused." My dad chuckles a little and I smile. I turn and look off into space as I retell the story. My smile is small and my voice is soft and quiet._

"_I was going to have to walk home, I knew that, but when he asked to give me a ride home I kept telling him no. I didn't want to get close to anybody at the time. I was just getting used to high school and I wasn't ready for a relationship just yet." The lie is bitter in my mouth, like a poison, but I know that if I told my dad what Steve had done to me that he would go to the police and I would be the center of the attention and gossip in Newport. I don't want that. All I want is a normal life, something that doesn't come easily, but can be achieved by hard work. I look down at my hands on my knees once more and then finish by saying, "But he kept persisting and I eventually gave in. That's how our relationship is; Ryan pushes and pushes and eventually, my walls come tumbling down."_

_I don't say anything else, so my dad fills in the gap of silence before it can settle too heavily over us. "What does he look like? You haven't even told me yet. Is he handsome?"_

_My smile becomes more prominent and I say, "I've never seen anyone as handsome as him." I blush a deep scarlet and I'm glad that the room is for the most part, dark. I can't believe that I actually just admitted that to my dad. That's really, really embarrassing. _

"_Oh really?" He asks, his voice light and teasing, but really curious at the same time. "Are you implying that your dad over here isn't handsome enough for you? Describe him for me so I can get a mental picture. I need to know what the most handsome man looks like."_

_My blush deepens and I avoid my dad's gaze as I say, "He has shaggy sandy blonde hair. His eyes are blue." I picture him in my mind, and my heart beat doubles at just the thought of him. I see him when he smiles at me, his face tilted, his eyes focused and loving, sparkling, bring light. I see him when he pouts, his lips pursed together and turned down, his eyes pleading and sad. I relive what he looks like when his eyes lock onto mine and all the silliness suddenly vanishes and instead I'm left with just his love. I remember how his eyes darken and his lips curl up into a smile when he leans in and softly kisses me. I see him fuming, his fist going through the wall when I told him about Steve. I wonder how it is that you can describe a person in just a few measly words when it takes you hours to memorize a face and hold it with you forever. "He's strong, but loving. His eyes can brighten up someone's world…or at least my world."_

_I turn and look at my dad, the memories still fresh in my mind. He nods and asks, "And you love him? You know that for sure?"_

_I nod and my face gets determined. "Yes, I do. I already told you that."_

_He nods and says, "I just had to make sure." He's quiet as he goes over everything in his mind. Then he opens his mouth and asks, "And he loves you?"_

_I nod and softly say, "Yes."_

"_How do you know?" he asks, catching me by surprise. I expect a question on how we finally got together, how my mom feels, about Ryan's family. I don't expect all these deep and thoughtful questions, even though I guess they're probably the most important._

_And really, how do I know that Ryan loves me for sure? I know that he does, but how do I know that? Is it because his eyes twinkle when I'm around or because he is always telling me that he loves me? Is it because he danced with me when no one thought he would, or because he kept trying time and time again to get me to open up to him? Is it a mixture of all these things? It's easy to know why you love someone. It's easy to know your own feelings and why you feel them sometimes, but how can you judge someone else's? "I…he…just does. There's not much more that I can say," I say quietly. "He acts like I'm the most precious thing in the world, as if I'm some fragile creature that he has to be careful with. When he holds me, it's almost as if he's trying to protect me from the world and make sure that he doesn't lose me at the same time._

"_His eyes light up when I'm around him and when he says he loves me, his voice slightly alters…grows more deep and husky. He surprises his friends when he's around me because he isn't afraid to be with me. I don't know…he just loves me and I'm sure of that."_

_My dad is quiet as I speak, but when I stop, he looks at me and I look at him. He blinks, looks down, and then back up at me and softly, quietly, gently asks, "Then how come he hurt you?"_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**Oh yes, you told me, you don't want my lovin' anymore.**_

_**That's when it hurt me.**_

_** And feeling like this, I just can't go on anymore.**_

He's quiet for a really long time. He keeps his face in his hands, but his shoulders don't shake and his body doesn't move at all except for when he breathes. I pace back and forth, chewing on my bottom lip, waiting for him to say something. After what felt like a million years, I go and sit next to him. I hesitantly reach out my hand and touch his back softly. The touch surprises him and he tenses underneath my hand. Then, slowly, I feel him relax and he lifts his head from his hands and he looks over at me, his face dry but his eyes tired and weary. "What are you thinking?" I ask him, so quiet that I wonder if I imagined saying the words at all.

Then, he rubs his face with his hands and mumbles, "I'm thinking about how stupid I've been. I can never get it right. It's why I'm joining the army." He looked up and out into space and I stare at him confusedly. What does he mean by that? I wait for him to explain, which he does after a minute in deep thought. "I told you when we were just starting to talk that I didn't have many memories of my dad because he went to jail when I was seven. But there was one thing that I always remember." He looks over at me and into my eyes, and then down out into space again and says, "He looked at me one night when we were kicking around a soccer ball and he said, 'Your grandpa fought in Vietnam.' Then he looked off into the distance and said, 'I always thought so much of him. Whenever he'd sit down with us, I'd see a real hero right in front of me. And even though it changed him, he was a better man for fighting for something.'" Ryan looks at me and softly says, "I always wanted my dad's approval. It's why I play so many sports, it's why I try to be a good person."

He looks down at his hands and says, "He wasn't a bad guy. I don't remember a lot about him, but everything that I do I hold on to and try to live up to what he wanted me to. He used to tell me that I was his favorite, that Trey was a trouble maker but I had the most potential. My grandpa always said I was his favorite too. I loved my grandpa so much…he made life after my dad left a little more bearable. He was probably the closest person in my family to me. I have a lot of memories about him. A part of me always wants to make him proud too…to be like him." His eyes are lined with a lined with a wall of tears that he's trying to hold back because he's supposed to be strong in front of me. I put my arm around him and he looks at me, his watery eyes probably blurring his vision but he stares at me for such a long time without speaking that I begin to wonder if that was the end of the story. Then he softly says, "The day that my dad got arrested, the last thing he said to me was, 'Make me proud, son.' His words always stayed with me. And I never thought of joining the Army until last year when the handed out some flyers at the pier, trying to recruit people. That's when I knew what I wanted to do. I could go to college and be an ordinary guy," he puts a hand on the side of my face tenderly and then says, "Or I could go to the army and be like my grandpa and make him and my dad proud." He takes his hand off of my face and clasps it together with his other. "That's why the army."

After he finishes speaking, he refuses to look me in the eye. I think it's probably because he's so vulnerable at the moment and he's afraid that I'm not going to think as much of him if he isn't strong all the time. Little does he know that when his heart is out and he's telling me about what makes him who he is and his motives for doing things makes me love him even more. I still have my arm around him, on his waist, and I lean in and kiss him softly on the cheek. I put a my free hand on top of his clasped ones and softly say, "I couldn't understand why you would go off and join the army." He doesn't look at me, but I can tell he's listening to me and absorbing every word that I speak. "I mean…we have this great thing going and you would go and risk it all for what? To be honorable? Because it's the thing to do? Because it will make you walk a little taller knowing that you were doing something for your country?" I shake my head and say, "It didn't add up to me. You hadn't talked about any of those things before. Then again, you hadn't even told me about the army either…"

This makes him turn and look at me. Our faces are just a matter of inches apart, but he doesn't register that, just looks deep into my eyes. "I know. I was going to tell you…I was just looking for the right time…"

"And when would've been the right time? Right before you left?" I ask, my voice betraying the anger and betrayal that I still feel. "I don't think there's ever a right time to do that. And besides, you should've at least said something about college. Why lead me to believe that you're going?"

He sighed frustratedly and said, "I don't know, okay? Maybe I didn't want to hurt you." He looks away from me and mumbles, "I hate to see you hurt, and knowing that I could be the cause of it made me not want to tell you. I don't know why I didn't get it in my mind that you would have to know eventually…I just didn't want to see you cry anymore. I didn't want you to be like you used to when…it…happened." He looks back at me and asks, "Is that such a crime?"

My expression hardens and I icily say, "Well I got hurt. Your plan didn't work."

He stands, untangling himself from my grasp on him. "What do you want me to say? I thought you of all people would understand why I need to do this. I thought you would support me, whatever I do. Isn't that what a girlfriend is supposed to do?" He asks, pacing back and forth.

I roll my eyes and in a biting tone say, "Oh, right. This is all my fault because I can't support my boyfriend while he goes off and kills himself. I'm going to lose the girlfriend of the year award now."

He glares at me and says, "Can you be serious?"

"I am being serious," I spit back at him. "What…do you think that I'm not feeling this way? Do you think that I haven't cried myself to sleep, worrying that you were going to die and leave me all alone? Do you think that I haven't questioned myself for not realizing it sooner? Do you think that I haven't broken down and analyzed everything that you've ever said to me, searching for a hidden meaning? Do you think that I don't wish that I could be a better girlfriend and accept all of this?" By now my breathing is erratic from my anger and I'm slightly shaking. "Is that serious enough for you Ryan?"

My words shock him, that much is evident by the way he slows down and just stands still. Then he softly says, "To answer your question…I love you because you're different. I love you because you make me feel like I can do anything if I tried. Your eyes speak to me even when you don't say anything and your smile makes me feel whole. I've seen you when you're broken and I want nothing more than to just fix you and make you mine forever." He looks at me, his eyes serious and thoughtful. "I love you because when I first met you, you didn't act like I was some hot shot like a lot of other girls that I dated did. You know when to challenge me…like now." He gives me a crooked smile and quietly says, "I'm sorry for everything, but you have to believe me when I say that I love you more than anything because when you're with me…" He opens his mouth, and then closes it, trying to find the right word. "My heart beats hard against my chest and I want nothing more than to just take you in my arms and keep you there forever."

_**Please remember how I feel about you, I could never really live without you.**_

_** So, come on back and see just what you mean to me.**_

_** I need you.**_

I don't say anything, still angry at him for the way he'd been talking to me earlier, but my face is a little softer than it was earlier. He walks over to me and kneels in front of me. "And this thing that we have here…it's right. When we're together, it's just right. And I know that even though I can be an ass and even though you are really angry at me and can't really support me right now, that you love me too and know deep in your heart that this is what you want." He takes my left hand and fingers the promise ring. "Wearing this means you want this…us…forever." You cups my cheek and rubs it tenderly with his thumb. He takes my left hand and puts it over his heart so that I can feel his heartbeat racing like mine. "And you may hate me, you may hold this against me for the rest of our lives…but that's just it…we have the rest of our lives together." He tilts his head and says, "And I'll spend every single day of it showing you how much I love you if you let me."

By then, I couldn't be mad at him anymore. Because here is Ryan, the love of my life, pronouncing his eternal love for me. What can possibly be any better than that? To keep him in suspense, I just stare at him, and then lift my hands and he stares at them, and then my face, waiting to see what I'll do. I put my hands on the side of his face and rub it just like he did to mine and he smiles at me and even though I don't want him to leave me, I give him a small smile back. Then I lean in closer to his face and when our lips finally meet after all this time, I know that somehow I'll be okay.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_I'm shocked by his question and for the longest time, I can't answer him. Why did Ryan hurt me if he loves me so much? Then I think of my dad and everything that I went though when he left and I think of my mom and the way my dad's name was forbidden in the household. I think of the way that Ryan looks when he talks about his old life in Chino and the way that Kirsten looked when Ryan declared that he was going whether they wanted him to or not. And then, suddenly, I had my answer._

_I look straight into my dad's eyes and say, "Because sometimes, we can't prevent everyone from getting hurt. It's a part of life and we all make mistakes, but that doesn't mean that things have to end. It doesn't meant that we don't love them…" I shrug and say, "It just happens."_

_He nods and smiles at me. "Look, my little girl grew up."_

_I nod and softly say, "It had to happen sometime. So much has happened since you left.."_

"_Tell me about it," He says, cutting me off. "I want to know what I missed."_

_I shake my head and say, "No, you don't, and before you protest, know that I'm not going to tell you. You haven't earned back my trust yet." His eyes grow sad and I say, "And I don't know how long until you do, but you can try." _

_He smiles and nods. "I think I just might do that."_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After a small make out session, Ryan and I are cuddled up on his bed. He has his arms around me protectively and I have my head rested on his chest and my arm slung across his body. My heart feels like it could burst from the happiness and love that I feel with him right now. "So what have I missed this past week?" Ryan asks me softly.

I turn my head and look at him. "Well, my dad came back." His eyebrows raise and I say, "Yeah, I know, it was unexpected."

He kisses my forehead lightly and asks, "And what do you feel about that? Was it a happy reunion?" He looks at my face to see my emotions.

I shrug a little and sigh. "I don't really know. It just seems like so much is happening. I mean, my dad coming back, you going to the army, my mom and Steve getting engaged-"

"What?" He asks, immediately tensing at that last part.

"Yeah, they're getting married," I whisper softly. I snuggle closer to him and his arms tighten around me.

"I'm sorry…about everything. I just want to protect you and either I can't or I'm part of the problem," He says, frustration evident.

I shake my head and looks into his eyes, trying to let him see that I'm okay. "Hey…it will be okay. I know it's a lot right now, but that's the way life is sometimes. People have had to have been through things so much worse than this. I shouldn't look at the bad side, but the good side right now."

"What good has been happening to you at all lately?" He asks bitterly. He lets out an angry sigh and he tenses up even more than before.

I lean in and softly kiss him for a second before pulling back and saying, "You." He's about to say something, probably protest and say that he started everything and that he was the beginning of all my troubles, but I put a finger on his lips. "Even when I was completely mad or heartbroken, you helped me." His expression softens a little bit and I begin to see the light in his eyes again. My Ryan is slowly coming back to me. "I kept remembering everything that made me fall in love with you in the first place and how our relationship started…and it made me believe that things would get better."

He's quiet, and then he softly says, "Tell me about your dad."

So I do. I tell him everything that I remember about my dad before he left, and then everything that's happened since he came back. I tell about the walks down the pier and the way my dad knows when to speak and when to remain still and silent. I tell about how I don't know whether to be angry or grateful that he wants to be back in my life after all this time. I tell small anecdotes about when he would take me to get ice cream when I was five years old and I relay the pain that I went through when he left that day. And through it all, Ryan just smiles and listens carefully, laughing at the appropriate parts and consoling me when he sees fit. And the whole time I have it in the back of my mind that this wonderful man holding me in his arms is going to leave in a matter of months for the other side of the world to fight for our country, possibly dying in the process. It makes me a little worried, but also proud of him for doing what he needs to do. And even though I know that it will be hard, I know that he'll always come back to me. He has to, because if he doesn't, if he dies while he's away, I know that a part of me will die too.

_**But when you told me, you don't want my lovin' anymore.**_

_**That's when it hurt me.**_

_** And feeling like this, I just can't go on anymore.**_

_**Please remember how I feel about you. **_

_**I could never really live without you.**_

_** So, come on back and see just what you mean to me.**_

_** I need you. I need you. I need you.**_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Okay, here's the individual responses.**

**Juzzy88 - **So there was the talk. I hope it was okay. I'm not really sure what I think about it.

**Girlz-Rule - **I don't mind doing this. When I have barely any time at all, I probably won't do the individual replies, but now I have some free time. The reason it takes so long for me to get some posts out is either I have writer's block or can't finish a post in just an hour. For example, this post took me a few days to write because I only get about an hour a day to write. Today I finished earlier than I expected to so I could reply. The "introduction" will be in the next post.

**Tegan - **Yes, I am back in action, lol. I'm glad I am too. Sometimes I miss writing. And the characters are always stuck in my head. And thank you, I like being called awesome.

**Blue Depths - **I guess you'll have to wait and see about that happy ending. And about the whole depression thing, I'm glad that you offer your help just as I did to you. I have to be honest, I wasn't really sure what to make the reason for Ryan going to the army to be. In real life, the guy was made to go by his dad because he was slacking off in school, but in the story I wanted Ryan to be doing okay in school. The real guy did do sports and stuff, but that wasn't enough for him cause he didn't have the grades and was being disrespectful to his parents or something.

**keydazy - **I can't answer if they'll end up together or not. I have to keep you guessing. And a Jimmy - Steve showdown would be pretty interesting.

**anailuj - **Why thank you, I'm glad you thought it was amazing. I hope you liked this one as much.

**w8ing4rain - **I have to say, first off, I love your member name. Anyways, on to the point. I can't promise that they'll end up together or not. Like I told keydazy, you'll just have to see.

**Dee1431 - **I really liked writing the reasons why she loves him. It was interesting for me.

**Rangersran1 - **Which other story are you talking about? I have quite a few.

**summerbreeze14 - **I don't know how you guys will feel about Ryan's reasons for joining the army because I'm not sure how I even feel about them. And you're welcome. I like to reply to you guys because it's my way of showing that I appreciate reviews.

**newportz-princess - **It's okay that you didn't review, I totally understand. And thank you, as I have said before, you're pretty awesome too.

**sailaway - **Haha, I didn't even notice that line. I'm glad you notice those things. And I'm going to tell you a little secret (though technically everyone can read it…); the actual ages were 13 and 18. Yeah, I know it's a big difference, and that's why I changed it. I figured that people will take the later chapters a little better if Marissa is a little older. I have to admit, I laughed when I read that you said that Marissa is Ryan's bitch cause it's so true, lol. I wish it could be a tv show too. It would be cool to say that I have my own show. I actually did want to make a show and I would call it, 'Story of My Life' and it would be based off of what a soap opera my life is.

**CohenNAtwood - **It does kind of keep you in suspense doesn't it? I hadn't noticed.

**elly** - There's the talk. Hopefully it's alright.


	19. Something

**A/N Okay, here's the next chapter. The song used is 'Something' by The Beatles. This chapter isn't really important, but it will do for now. I hope you enjoy it. Okay, so when I talked about changing the age, you guys seemed really eager for Ryan and Marissa to sleep together. I hadn't really been planning for them to sleep together because the real couple didn't before he went off to war, but then I talked to someone and I decided to go ahead and let them sleep together. It will be in further chapters, so that will hopefully give you something to look forward to. Thank you for the reviews, even though there was less than normal : ( **

**Something**

I stay for dinner that night after a day of just lounging in the pool house with Ryan. The Cohens are pleased but not surprised by the fact that I got Ryan to come out of his shell, and are sure to thank me. They order Thai and it's a nice family dinner, much better than the one I would've had with my mom, future step dad, and long lost father. After dinner, Ryan and I retreat back into the pool house where I watch him and Seth set up Rock Band. It's pretty entertaining to watch the two interact, and after a while I just have to say, "Ryan, I didn't know you were such a rocker."

He looks over at me and attempts to glare at me, but there's no hiding the joy in his eyes that I'm here to tease him at all. "Well, I am multi-talented," he says, and then turns back to the game. He's playing the guitar and Seth is attempting to sing, something that sounds more like a dying bird's last squawk, but he actually manages to get high scores on every song. I go up to Ryan and put my arms around him from behind and lean my chin on his shoulder as he plays. He seems relaxed and comfortable with my touch and I smile softly, enjoying the moment of being with Ryan without any worries. I know he's leaving soon, but for now all I want and can think about is here and now with him and this time we have together. "Seth, that was horrible singing," Ryan says with a roll of his eyes after Seth plays 'Learn to Fly.'

"Well, I got a hundred percent, so get over it," Seth says stubbornly. "Oh, look! We can play the Worldwide Showcase!" He grins over at me and Ryan and says, "After that we can go all over the world. What do you say Marissa, do you want Ryan to take you to France?"

I roll my eyes and laugh a little. "Yes, Seth, I think that Ryan should take me to France in your little virtual game."

Seth pretends to be hurt. "Little virtual game? Is that all Rock Band is to you? A little virtual game? How could you say such a thing, Marissa? I am very disappointed in you."

Ryan laughs and rolls his eyes. "Seth, it's a game, get over it."

"I can not get over it, Ryan," Seth says with a shake of his head. "This is a real crime. How can you show your face after saying that?" He lets out a long, dramatic sigh and clicks on the World Show Case. "Regardless, I want to go to London."

I roll my eyes and whisper quietly, so that only Ryan can hear me, "He's going to drive me crazy while you're away."

Ryan's body tenses a little and I wonder what I said wrong. He was the one going away, why should he act like it's a bad thing. If anything, I should be the one getting tense. "What's wrong?" I ask, whispering the question into his ear so that Seth won't overhear me. He just shakes his head and starts to play the guitar on the game, making me wonder if I said something that offended him in any way. "I didn't mean anything bad by it, I was just joking," I say after they're done playing the songs that seemed to go on forever.

"I know, it's just…" He turns and looks at Seth who is flipping through the different venues, giving us our own space. He turns his head so that he can see me better and says, "I don't like talking about the fact that I'm going to leave. I know that it's my fault and that I chose it, but thinking about it and talking about it make it even more real and even though I want to do the honorable thing…" he turns so that he can see my face completely and look into my eyes. I see a strong layer of emotion written in his perfect blue ones and he quietly says, "I don't want to think about leaving you…not yet. We still have plenty of time to be together."

I put my hands on the side of his face tenderly and say, "It was a joke." I smile at him and look down at his lips, then his eyes and softly say, "Let's not think about that now though." I lean in closer so that my words fall upon his lips and with desire tangled in my voice say, "Let's think about this…" I close the gap and press my lips against his. His arms wrap around my waist and he pulls me onto his lap where I wrap my legs around him and wrap my arms tightly around his neck. His hands trail up my back and tangle into my hair, bringing my face even closer to his.

_Something in the way she moves,  
Attracts me like no other lover.  
Something in the way she woos me.  
I don't want to leave her now,  
You know I believe and how.  
_

"I thought we were playing the game…" Seth teased, making Ryan and I break apart. Ryan keeps his firm hold on me and glares at Seth, telling him to go away with just one look. "Fine, I'm leaving. This was getting slightly boring anyways," Seth says with a sigh, turning off the TV and leaving the pool house.

Ryan turns his face back to mine and grins. "Where were we?" He asks, his voice husky. He leans in and touches his lips against mine once again and we're back to our heated kissing. He slips his tongue out of his mouth and slides it over my lips, asking for entrance to my mouth. We've never really kissed this way before, so I part my lips a little bit and then suddenly his tongue is touching mine. While I used to think this was gross, I now find that I like it. I moan a little into his mouth and I feel his lips lift into a smile as he continues to kiss me. I run my hand through his hair and take large tuffs of it at a time and rake my fingers through it. He moans and pulls back for air for a small moment, and then leans in and reconnects our lips.

He pushes me slowly back onto the bed and hovers above me. I wait for the fear to come, for the memories of Steve and the rapes to wrap around me and suffocate me, but they don't. Instead I'm met with a growing desire for Ryan and only Ryan, and I pull him further onto me. Ryan pulls back and gets off of me and lays beside me, looking up at the ceiling. He tries to regain his breath, so I try to do the same thing. "Sorry.." he says after a while, and then looks over at me and gives me a crooked smile. "I got a little carried away…I know I shouldn't have done that…"

"Done what?" I ask, taking one of his hands and placing it over my rapidly beating heart, like he did earlier when he was telling me how much he loved me. "I didn't see anything wrong with what you did." I smile at him and kiss him softly instead of hard like we had done before.

He pulls back and says, "For everything…the kiss got out of hand. And for climbing on top of you." He sighs and closes his eyes. "I know how hard it is for you sometimes." He opens his eyes and stares at me intently to the point that I just melt under his gaze and he takes the hand that I'm holding away from my heart and laces our fingers together instead. "And I've caused you enough pain…I don't want to cause you anymore." He leans down and kisses my lips quickly, then pulls away and just stares into my eyes without saying anything.

"You're not causing me any pain right now. I liked that." I see his confused gaze and pull him on top of me once again. He starts to pull away, but I wrap my arms around his neck and he just stops and stares into my eyes lovingly, his own holding a light that I love to see. "It doesn't bother me anymore when you're on top. I guess I finally am healing. It has been about four months after all…"

He smiles and leans down to kiss me, his hips grinding against mine in the process. I moan in pleasure and he pulls back a little so he can speak. "So this…this isn't bad?" he asks, and then kisses me again on the mouth. I mumble a no in response and he mumbles, "So I can do this…" he pulls his lips from mine and kisses my cheek, then my jaw and trails the kisses down to my neck. "..and you're okay with it?" He continues to kiss my neck, and even though I'm ticklish, I moan in pleasure instead of giggle like I used to do when someone would touch my neck. "I'm taking that as a yes?" He asks, pulling away and grinning down at me.

I nod and breathe, "Yes, that's a yes." I smile and tangle my hands in his shaggy hair and pull him down to my lips once again.

After a few minutes of heavy kissing, he pulls back and asks, "Will you stay the night?" I raise my eyebrows, wondering if he's implying what I think he is. I may be able to kiss him heatedly, but I can't go all the way just yet. Just the thought of it makes me tense just the slightest bit. Ryan must catch on because he shakes his head and says, "We don't have to do anything, just sleep.." He leans in and pecks my lips quickly before pulling back and searching into my eyes for the heart that he'd laid his claims to and smiles his crooked half smile that I love. "I just can't deal with you leaving right now. I mean…we lost a whole week because of my stupidity and I just want you with me. I don't care what we do, just the fact that you're here is fine with me."

_Somewhere in her smile she knows,  
That I don't need no other lover.  
Something in her style that shows me.  
I don't want to leave her now,  
You know I believe and how._

I smile up at him, and my heart and body relax. I nod and softly say, "Okay, I'll stay." He smiles and kisses my forehead tenderly. "I've missed you a lot too," I say quietly, and the atmosphere of the room suddenly changes. Ryan pulls back a little and looks me in the eyes, his blue ones holding regret and sorrow. He tilts his head and puts a hand on the side of my face lovingly.

"I know I messed up, and I'm hoping to make it right again," He says, his voice barely audible. "You can forgive me right?"

I'm quiet for a long time and he starts to look a little worried, getting that brooding look that I love so much. He climbs off of me and I cuddle into his side, laying my head onto his chest. He tentatively takes one of his arms and places it around me, holding me close to him. I smile a little and kiss his chest softly. "I already have," I whisper.

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The next morning I wake up to the sounds of arguing outside. For a minute I can't place where I am, then I smell Ryan's cologne and realize that I'm in the pool house, in his bed. I look around and try to find him, but then I realize that he's the one arguing. I strain to hear the quiet parts, but for the most part hear most of the loud argument. It's between my dad and Ryan and the moment I realize that I remember that I didn't call the night before to ask permission to stay at Ryan's house. But then again, that's because I never have to with my mom. "I have the right to see my daughter!"

"She's sleeping, just leave her alone. She'll be up in a little while and when she is, I'll drop her off at home. You're making a big deal out of nothing, sir," Ryan interjects with a sigh. I can close my eyes and just imagine the angry, over-protective look he gets when someone is trying to argue with him about me.

"She shouldn't have even stayed here in the first place. She's too young for this," my dad shouts at Ryan. I roll my eyes at him and stay where I am.

"She's not a little girl anymore," Ryan says quietly, so quietly that I have trouble hearing him through the slightly open doors. "And it's not like we're doing anything either. I love her and I wouldn't do anything that she's not ready for. We haven't done anything…we just slept."

"Still, she shouldn't be here. She should be with me," my dad replies stubbornly, and that really makes me sigh. As he starts talking about how he's the father and I'm the daughter and we should be bonding, I go and brush my teeth with my finger in Ryan's bathroom. I come back and crawl under the covers again in time to hear Ryan's rebuttal to my dad's argument.

"With all do respect, sir, you haven't been here lately. If you had, you would've known that Marissa and I are very close and she'd probably prefer to be with me than with her family. And before you protest and say that it isn't your fault, you're forgetting the fact that you haven't been there for her lately, and I have. So right now, instead of overwhelming her, I think that you should just let her sleep and let me deal with her. I promise I won't hurt her," Ryan says softly but firmly. I smile at him, even though we can't see each other and feel my heart soar at his words.

My dad is quiet for a few moments before saying, "For someone who says he won't hurt her, I've seen a lot of her hurting lately because of you. How can I trust you after that?"

Ryan sighs and I imagine runs a hand through his hair like he always does when he's frustrated. "I don't know. But I'm sorry and Marissa's forgiven me for it." He's silent for a minute ant then says, "I made a mistake, and I'm going to have to pay for that as long as I live, but you would understand that right?"

It's quiet after that for a really long time, and then Ryan's back in the pool house holding a cup of coffee in his hand. He sees me awake and his face immediately lights up and he walks over to me. He sets the coffee down next to the bed on the nightstand and climbs into bed. I snuggle up against him and he leans down and kisses me softly on the lips, causing my whole body to tingle. My heart flutters and my stomach flip flops as he climbs on top of me and deepens the kiss. "Good morning," he murmurs against my lips as we kiss.

I smile and run my hands through his sandy blonde hair and murmur, "Good morning to you too." He pulls back and just smiles in that loving way of his and gets off so that he's on his side, then just stares at me for a long time.

"I love you, you know that right?" He asks, his eyes serious all of a sudden. One of his hands runs through my hair and plays with a strand of my hair. He looks at the hair, and then back into my eyes, wearing that brooding look that I adore.

_You're asking me will my love grow,  
I don't know, I don't know.  
You stick around now, it may show,  
I don't know, I don't know.  
_

"Of course I know that. And I love you too," I say, kissing him softly. He pulls back and I stare at him confusedly. What brought the sudden change in his attitude? It baffles me how he can act one way for one second and then a completely different way a second later. I stare at him and wait for something to say, watching the eternal struggle to find the right words to express why he's suddenly like this. "What's wrong?"

He shakes his head and sighs, turning away from me. I focus on him questioningly, but he still doesn't say anything. He just stares up at the ceiling for a while until I decide to stop waiting for an answer and look up at the ceiling as well. After a long time of silence, he finally breaks it by saying, "I remember this one time, back when I was in Chino, my friend Theresa's dad left her mom for a couple of months. Theresa's mom was so torn up about it. She wouldn't come out of her room other than to eat and take Theresa to school. She was this really strong person before, and then suddenly she was this really weak and fragile one. I couldn't understand how her dad could do something like that to her mom…" He gets quiet, and then sighs and looks over at me. I reach for his hand and lace our fingers together, ignoring the sparks and trying to focus on him and a way to comfort him. "And now I've done the same thing to you."

I shake my head and say, "Ryan…you haven't left me at all. I was just mad at you for not telling me, but it was only a week.."

He cuts me off by saying, "No, I haven't left you yet, but I've hurt you. I saw the way you were yesterday when you came and it hurt me to know that I had caused you that much pain. And even though I haven't left you so far, I will leave you in a couple of months, maybe even less." He sighs and looks away from me again. I see a look of disgust for himself on his face and he says, "And now I've become the very thing that I always hated."

"Ryan…" I say, trying to come up with words to comfort him like he's always doing to me.

He shakes his head and lets out a bitter laugh. "And then your dad comes this morning and starts talking about how I hurt you…" He looks over at me and I remember what him and my dad were arguing about earlier, the way that Ryan sounded sad and hurt. "And I really did, I know I did. I know you say you forgive me, but how can you? This isn't about whether I was going to do something small, this is something that could possibly change the rest of our lives together. I'm leaving and I didn't tell you…how can you say you forgive me for that? Not that I don't want you to…but still."

"How can I forgive you?" I ask, looking at him with raised eyebrows. He stares at me with questioning eyes and I say, "How can I not forgive you? Sure you hurt me, and sure you lied…but you're there for me, and you want to be there for me. I love you and you love me…people just don't let things like that get in the way of them." He doesn't say anything, but flexes the muscle in his jaw and it makes me say, "And you think you're like that guy that left her mom? You're not. You're so much better. I know that you'd never leave me like that. The difference between you two is that I know you're going to come back to me…" I take his hand that's laced with mine and put it on my heart so that he can feel how fast it's beating from the emotion I feel for him. "That belongs to you, it will always belong to you…can't you see that?"

He shakes his head and laughs softly. "You're crazy, you know that?" He asks, his eyes starting to sparkle again.

I smile at him and say, "Crazy about you…even though that's probably the cheesiest line ever."

He laughs some more and I laugh too. He opens up his arms and says, "Come here…" I obey and he wraps his arms around me tightly. He breathes in the scent of my hair and kisses the top of my head lightly. "Until I leave, I'm not going to let you go…"

I roll my eyes and say, "You'll let me go sometime."

He shakes his head and holds me even tighter. "No, I'm not going to ever let go. You're mine, and I plan on taking advantage of that." His words make me smile and he says, "I have no idea how it happened, but I love you, Marissa Cooper…for now, for always."

I turn and wrap my arms around him. "I have no idea how you did it to me either, but I love you too, Ryan Atwood…for now and for always, until the day that either of us dies. Maybe even longer than that."

"But that won't happen," He says, a certain fire in his eyes flaming up at the mention of dying. "I won't let that happen."

I nod and say, "Good, because I don't want it to." I kiss him softly and then say, "So let's not even think about it."

He nods and says, "I like that idea." He smiles at me and then asks, "So what's Summer doing today?"

His question shocks me and I reply, "I don' know…why? Do you have a secret crush on her or something?" My eyes shine from the teasing and he shakes his head and laughs.

"No, sorry…there's only one spot available in my heart and someone is already occupying that," He says, kissing the tip of my nose softly.

"Hmm, I wonder who that could be…" I tease, kissing his lips.

"I think you know her…" he mumbles, pushing me down onto the bed and continuing the kiss. He tastes of coffee and it makes me smile a little bit.

"Oh really?" I ask, and then we're quiet as we continue to kiss, all thoughts of death and what Ryan going away could really mean for us.

_Something in the way she knows,  
And all I have to do is think of her.  
Something in the things she shows me.  
I don't want to leave her now.  
You know I believe and how.  
_

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**So I'm going to start this new thing where I pick a reviewer of the chapter. I draw a name at random. Whoever wins gets to ask me one question about anything. It could be about me personally, the people that the story is based off of, or about the story. I can't promise I'll give a direct answer on everything, but if you're good at puzzles, you'll be able to solve it. Since I'm going to start this thing out now, let's see….the reviewer of the chapter is: Tiffany or w8ing4rain, whatever you want to be called. Ask me anything, go on ahead.**

**Alright, individual reviews time:**

**girlz-rule - **You were my two hundredth reviewer, so yay to you. I can't promise if he will live or die or what, so you'll just have to see.

**Tiffany - **Thank you for reviewing. Haha, I made you saw aw, that's cool. I love it when I make my reviewers do that.

**Cohen Atwood - **I don't think there was much suspense in this post. Thank you, I love being called an awesome writer. After everything I've been through lately, it feels good. Anyways, I hope they can survive through this too. They do seem meant to be don't they?

**sailaway - **You're always a favorite to read the reaction to. You notice things I don't and it's fun to see what it will be in each chapter. I loved the sarcastic remark about girlfriend of the year award. I just had to put that in there. It's so something that I personally would say. I have no idea how many chapters there will be left, sorry, haha. I had said seventeen because that was how many there were going to be at the time, but now I can't really be sure. I know that there will be more than I said because someone kept persisting in getting me to write more of them before he left. I hope you and everyone else will appreciate that. And about them sleeping together, they will now. I wasn't going to, and I'll talk about it later in the afterward, but that's not what happened. I figure that I could give you guys that one thing though. And about them being happy together and all that…well, we'll have to see.

**ocgirl.fr - **I love new people. Hope you're enjoying the story.

**summerbreeze14 - **That put a smile on my face. I hate Final Exams…ugh. Mine are coming soon, but afterwards I'll be free for the summer. So expect a lot more posts…or at least I hope so. You can't tell sometimes. And yes, Ryan is going to sleep with Marissa. After sailaway asked about it, I didn't think much, but when you asked about it too, I had to change my mind.

**najeda - **I don't know what to make of this post. Hopefully you'll like it though.

**ally - **haha, I don't think it's sad. But if you cry at this, I hate to see you later on…


	20. Maybe I'm Amazed

**A/N Here's the next chapter. Song used is, Maybe I'm Amazed, by Paul McCartney. Thank you for the wonderful reviews. I've had more, but I've certainly also had less. Hope you enjoy!**

**Maybe I'm Amazed**

Ryan and I were having a nice morning together, eating bagels and all, when he suddenly looks at the time and mumbles a small curse. He turns to me and with a frustrated look asks, "Are you going to that charity thing tonight? The Cohens are making me go." He sighs and runs a hand through his sandy blonde hair, making me wonder what's going on with him. I nod but don't say anything and he mumbles, "Crap, we need to hurry." He looks at me and says, "Um, we need to go, like, right now. I'm going to go drop you off at your mom's house and you need to get changed and everything and then we need to go." I raise my eyebrows, but he doesn't seem to catch onto my confusion. "You need to wear something comfortable," He says, pacing back and forth.

I walk over to him and put my arms around his neck so that he looks at me. He stops pacing and looks at my face, into my eyes and I see nervousness in them. "Why are you doing this? What's going on?" I ask softly, kissing his cheek softly. "Why the sudden change in attitude? I thought things were going alright and then you just suddenly get really hyper and don't make any sense."

He sighs and says, "I can't tell you because if I tell you…" He stares off into space and trails off, leaving me to wonder what he was going to say. He looks back at me and with a frown on his face says, "Well, I just can't tell you. You'll have to see for yourself. But we need to hurry if we're getting back in time for the event tonight."

I roll my eyes and sigh. "Fine, don't tell me. Just lie or whatever. You seem to do that a lot, you know," I say bitterly, upset that he won't tell me what's going on. I probably sound like a spoiled brat for wanting the surprise of this spoiled, but I'm tired of surprises at the moment. From Ryan joining the army to my dad coming back, I'm in no mood for a big extravagant, surprise-filled say with Ryan. I'm just ready for a normal day with the man I love and a boring event afterwards.

"Marissa, stop being like this. Look, it's not that I'm not going to tell you, it's just that I'm not ready to say the words out loud okay?" He says softly. He puts his hands on the sides of my face and even though I'm upset with him for keeping a surprise, I soften a little at his touch. He gives me an attempt of a smile and says, "Believe me, I'm sure that you'll appreciate today. I promise I'm not going to do anything outrageous like the last time I kept something from you. And come on, you have to like surprises…that's what makes life more interesting." His eyes twinkle a little and I fall under his magical spell. I just can't stay mad at him.

"It better be a good surprise," I mumble, then Ryan smiles, this time for real.

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_Baby I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time  
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you  
Baby I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time  
Hung me on a line  
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you_

So I'm all for Ryan surprising me. After a while, I got kind of excited. I went and got dressed in some of my most comfortable jeans and a nice top, and then Ryan starts driving. I was fine with the fact that he wasn't telling me where we were going as we passed all the places that we used to go together. I was fine when we passed all of my favorite places. I was even fine when we passed the sign that said, 'Now Leaving Orange County.' But I was so not fine when I saw the sign that said, 'You Are Now Entering Chino.' I had been quiet and patient the whole car ride, but now I was just going crazy. "Did that sign just say we were entering Chino?" I ask, looking over at Ryan who as we drive further and further from our houses, clutches the steering wheel tighter and tighter.

He nods and quietly says, "Yeah, we're in Chino now. Welcome to my childhood town. Sorry if it doesn't meet up to Newport's standards. Not all places are fit to breed robots like Orange County is." He looks at me for a second, and then looks back at the road. I see the way that he's starting to slouch a little, and it amazes me by how just being here effects who he is as a person. Doesn't he see that he's so much better now than he used to be? "Sorry if that sounded mean or offended you. I didn't mean you, I meant everyone else in Newport. You're different." He reaches for my hand and holds it in his own. We stop at a stoplight and he looks down at our hands and rubs his thumb over the smooth skin on the top of my hand. I feel the shivers down my spine and Ryan smiles a little at our hands there together. He looks up and into my eyes. "I think that's why I fell for you."

He turns back to the road and starts to drive. I'm quiet for a while, not wanting to bring up the sore subject of Chino anymore. We keep driving and I decide to make the best of the situation. Ryan wants to take me to Chino, I should observe where he used to live. It would help me know more about him, after all. I watch the buildings covered with graffiti pass by us, and then some beat up looking gas stations and general stores. Finally, after what felt like a very long time but had in fact been about ten minutes since we'd entered Chino, I see Ryan turning into an area that was surrounded by large iron gates. I look around and see tons of tombstones lined next to each other, hundreds if not thousands of them. Some are fresh, the dirt still fresh, and some look very old, the actual stone worn out and faded. Ryan doesn't say anything, so I decide now is as good a time as any to ask. "Why are we here?" I question softly, lacing our fingers together because I have a feeling that this is hard for him right now.

He stops the car along the side of the beginning of some plots, but doesn't say anything. He looks straight ahead, like he's lost in thought, but I know him well enough to know he's just trying to calm himself down so that he can speak. If there's anything I've learned about Ryan, it's that he doesn't like speaking when he's angry or sad. I think I'm probably the one exception to that at the moment. After a minute, he quietly says, "We're visiting my mom." He flexes a muscle in his jaw and then continues, his voice barely audible. "After she…died, I didn't get to see her funeral. I was in a group home and they didn't have anyone to take me. Sandy took me once to see her, but I had to leave immediately. It made me so sick to see her grave…the tombstone…everything." He looks over at me and the overwhelming pain his eyes made me feel a sharp pain in my heart for him. "I wanted to share this with you. You're the only person that I could ever think of wanting to be here with me as I take this step."

I'm touched by his words, but know he needs silence right now, so I stay that way for a minute or two. Then I squeeze his hand gently and softly say, "Come on…I want to meet your mom." He looks up into my eyes, his beautiful blue ones showing pure love for me and me only. I lean in and kiss his cheek softly, then unlace our fingers so that we can both get out of the car. When we're both out and it's locked, I lace our fingers together again and rest my head on his shoulder as we walk. He stands strong, and I wonder how he can possibly find the strength to do that at a time like this. If it was my mom, I'd be freaking out right now, even if we don't always get along.

We reach a tombstone and he suddenly stops. He stares at it for a long time, so I look at it too. It's gray marble, shiny, looking brand new. There aren't any flowers, no indicator that she's been remembered. Her name is carved in it, and so are the year she was born and the year she died. That's it. It doesn't say anything about her being a good mother, or loving wife. I unlace our fingers wrap my arms around Ryan and he leans in and puts his head on my shoulder. I use one hand to rub his back soothingly and the other is on the back of his head, letting him know that it's okay to be emotional right now. "It's okay, I'm here," I murmur into his ear. He doesn't sob, doesn't even have silent tears, he just remains right there, in my arms…a freshman holding a senior…Marissa Cooper holding Ryan Atwood.

"She didn't deserve to die," He says after a while, his voice broken from the pain. "She didn't deserve to get hurt like that. She didn't do anything wrong. It's not her fault that the bastard was angry and drunk. It was wrong…so why did it happen?" He looks at me, asking me for the answers to something so much more complex than I can comprehend on my own. What is it that makes some people feel that they have the right to kill others to let out their anger or frustration? Why does the world allow such things to happen? Can we ever stop it? Could we have prevented it in some way? The questions are infinite but the answers are limited.

I try to seem strong, but my answer is weak. "I don't know why it happened…why stuff like this happens…it just does. There's nothing we can do to prevent it and there's not much we can do afterward but try to move on and live our lives. But I'm not the person to ask about all of this…I've never lost anyone like this." I feel my voice break a little towards the end because suddenly I remember that Ryan is leaving for war soon, and there things like this happen all the time, are expected to happen. People go off and kill others for what? Money? A strong place in the world? Democracy? And yet after all these wars, there's still more and more. And Ryan's going right in the middle of that. I hold him tighter, but don't say anything because if I did, we'd get into another argument about Ryan leaving and I don't want that now. All I want…all I need…is to be with Ryan today, in the now.

He pulls back after a minute and turns away from me and looks at the tombstone. He reaches out and hesitantly lays his hand on the marble, then pulls it back like he's been burned. "She was a good mom. She had her moments when she chose some bad things, but she always made it up to us. I remember this one time she took me and Trey out for ice cream with the small amount of money we had left because I wouldn't talk to anyone and she figured that taking me to get ice cream was the only way to get me to speak or even smile again. I got chocolate and Trey got vanilla." Ryan smiles a little bit and looks at me. "And even though she had to work hard for that money that we wasted, she smiled and told me that things would be okay." He frowns and sighs. "I just wish they had turned out okay for her." He looks down at his feet and then quietly asks, "Do you think she's proud of me?"

I'm a little taken back by Ryan's question. He really didn't know the answer? I put an arm around his waist and he puts his arm around me too. I rest my head on his shoulder and softly say, "Of course she's proud of you. I know for a fact that she is." I turn my head a little and kiss his neck softly, then go back to just resting my head on his shoulder.

"How do you know?" He asks, his voice holding a strong sorrow that cut me to the bone. "How can you possibly know such a thing?"

I turn and look into his eyes which had been staring at me intently, like he always does. I give him a small smile and keep my voice strong as I say, "Because the Cohens are proud of you. Everyone at school is proud of you.." I lean in and peck his lips lightly, letting the kiss linger for a minute before saying, "Because…well, I'm proud of you."

_Baby I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man  
Who's in the middle of something  
That he doesn't really understand  
Babe I'm a man and maybe you're the only woman  
Who could ever help me  
Baby wont you help to me understand_

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After spending another forty five minutes at the cemetery and hearing countless humorous stories about Ryan's childhood, Ryan decided that it was time to leave. I figured we were done with Chino for the day, but I was wrong. We started driving through a bunch of neighborhoods and I turned to Ryan and raised my eyebrows at a stop sign. He glanced back at me and asked, "You didn't honestly think that I'd only take you to my mom's grave did you? That's kind of depressing and I don't want my time with you to be only depressing."

I smile a little and say, "Good, I don't want our time together to be only depressing." I'm quiet for a few seconds before finally asking, "Okay…where are we going then? And don't tell me it's a surprise either."

Ryan laughs a little and says, "Fine, I'll tell you where we're going. Do you remember me talking about my old friend, Theresa?" He glances over at me quickly, but then turns his attention back to the road. I search through my mind for the name, and finally come up with one. He'd gone over to Theresa's house the night his mom died. They used to be best friends. I slumped a little in my seat.

"Yeah, you've mentioned her once or twice…" I say, trying to keep my tone happy instead of sad. If he used to be best friends with her, then where does that leave me? There had to have been other feelings there than just friendly ones. Seriously, how often to guys and girls stay only friends? Go turn on the latest soap opera and the whole 'friends' storyline will eventually be used.

I don't fool Ryan for a moment. He reaches for my hand and laces our fingers together and smiles. "We're just going to stop in for a quick visit. Me and Theresa still talk sometimes and I want you to meet her. She's a part of my life and you're a really big part of my life, so you guys should meet each other." He stops in front of a house and turns and looks into my eyes. "There's no need for you to get jealous or anything. I'm in love with you and you only."

I look away from Ryan and ask, "But you guys have been best friends for like, forever. And there's also the fact that she was actually there when your mom died…" I trail off and sigh a long, tired and defeated sigh. "Not to mention that you guys are the same age and I'm just a little freshman compared to you two."

"Hey, look at me," He softly says, but I shake my head and continue looking away. "Marissa…" He says, his voice becoming stern, and since I can't help myself, turn to look him in the eyes. I give him a 'what?' expression and he smiles and laughs. "I can't believe you're seriously jealous."

"This isn't a laughing matter," I mumble, taking my hand and stubbornly crossing my hands over my chest. "And I'm not jealous, just so you know. I mean, why should I be jealous about you and your bff Theresa?" My voice is bitter and sarcastic, which he thinks is even funnier so he laughs a little more.

"I really can't believe this," he laughs. "You have no reason at all to be jealous. Remember the part where I love you?" His voice becomes serious all of a sudden. I turn my head again, not wanting to look into his piercing blue eyes. "Marissa…" He murmurs, putting a hand on the side of my face. And damn him, I feel those sparks and my heart starts to beat an irregular rhythm. He leans in and kisses me softly at first. I'm hesitant to kiss him back, but before long I find my lips moving with his. He puts his hands on my arms which are still crossed at my chest and gently tugs them from there. He laces our fingers together and the kiss suddenly getting more tender and passionate. He pulls his lips from mine for air and smiles at me, his face just centimeters from mine. He unlaces our left hands and thumbs the promise ring on my finger. "Remember this?" He whispers, and then kisses my lips lightly. "Remember what I said when I gave you this…and what I said yesterday? I meant it…all of it. I really do believe we have a chance at forever." His smile fades and he looks down at the ring for a moment. "So no matter what…" He looks back into my eyes. "Theresa is never going to mean as much to me as you are. No one will."

"That's what you say now…" I mumble dejectedly.

He shakes his head and says, "No, that's what I say for forever. I'm taken. Why can't you accept that?" He kisses my cheek, the tip of my nose, my forehead. His eyes gaze into mine lovingly and he whispers, "How can you not know that?"

I shrug and sigh, pulling away from the embrace. "Can you blame me? After everything that's happened…" I think about Steve and I feel that Ryan does too by the way he tenses beside me. I shake my head and bitterly state, "I guess I have problems with trusting people." I turn and look at him, a frown on my face. I see the way that my words, my obvious distrust hurts him, and I quickly add, "Not that I don't trust you…I just can't trust the universe to make everything turn out okay. I know you love me and I love you…but I have problems believing that's enough. Look at all those people out there with their high school loves that end up married to someone else." I shrug and say, "Life doesn't always turn out the way we think it will."

Ryan sets his jaw and pulls away from me completely. "I can't believe that you don't believe in us," He says angrily. He looks at me with disgust. It's the first time I've ever seen him like this, and it makes me sick to know that I was the one that caused it. I love him, I really do. I want us to end up married with children and great jobs. I want to be the couple to celebrate the golden anniversary and look back on their lives and smile and laugh. I want all of that with him…but sometimes I just can't believe that it will ever happen. "Why did you even accept that promise ring then? Why have you been leading me and everyone else to believe that we have a shot?" He asks, looking at me with a fury in his eyes that I've seen only once before.

"I'm sorry if I can't believe in forever right now," I say, my voice betraying the anger and frustration I'm beginning to feel. "I'm the girl who got raped remember? And who's dad ran away and then suddenly came back…." I let out a long, hard sigh. "And not to mention the girl who's boyfriend is going off to war."

"And I'm the guy who's mom got shot, who's dad got arrested, who is leaving the only girl he's ever loved to fight some stupid war to prove that he's worth something," he says, his voice getting weaker and weaker as he goes on. He looks away, then back at me and defeatedly says, "I get it, okay? I know that the universe sucks. And maybe we're not the most expected couple, but I know that it's right. Because when I'm with you I feel that maybe, just maybe the universe isn't so bad after all. Maybe I went through all of that to meet you. Maybe if we're together, if we stick together, it can be alright."

I lean back in the seat and close my eyes, trying not to get too emotional. "I'm sorry," I say, my voice breaking a little. "I'm sorry for doubting us…but I can't help it."

"I know," He whispers softly, putting a hand on the side of my face so that I turn and look at him once again. He tilts his head and gives me a crooked smile and out of the side of his mouth he speaks, "I know."

I smile at him a little too and take his hand from the side of my face and lace it with my own, kissing his knuckles softly. "I love you," I whisper. "Even if I don't always seem like I'm ready for everything…I am only fifteen you know."

He nods and quietly says, "I love you too." Then his eyes get a tiny sparkle in them and he asks, "So are you ready to meet Theresa yet?"

I shrug and say, "It's now or never right?"

We get out and with our fingers entwined, walk to the front door where we are promptly greeted by Theresa. "Hey Ryan…" She gives him a half hug and looks at me. "And you must be Marissa. I've heard so much about you." She smiles at me warmly and I immediately feel very welcome.

"Theresa, hey," I say, and smile back at her. Ryan looks at us and smiles. He puts his arm around my waist, untangling our fingers, and holds me tightly against the side of his body. He kisses my cheek softly and I blush because Theresa is watching us intently.

She grins at Ryan and says, "I think you've got yourself a keeper this time. Remember that one girl that you dated…what was her name…Sadie? I never liked her from what you told me." She looks at me and asks, "Did he ever tell you about her? I think they dated a couple of years ago. She made jewelry. She was a total slut, ended up cheating on him with the whole water polo team."

_Baby I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man  
Who's in the middle of something  
That he doesn't really understand  
Babe I'm a man and maybe you're the only woman  
Who could ever help me  
Baby wont you help me understand_

Ryan rolls his eyes and sighs. "Was not my finest pick in women." He turns and smiles at me. "But I think that you're right…Marissa is a keeper." His eyes shine as he gazes at me, and I feel the whole world melt away as he looks into my eyes, into the deep parts of my soul. Theresa clears her throat after a minute and Ryan chuckles a little. "So are you going to invite us inside or keep us standing on the front porch all day?"

Theresa moves aside and we enter the house. It's small, but cozy, which I think is a lot better than large and totally lonely. I could imagine living here, which is weird considering I've never even been inside of a house this small. I've actually only seen a few. Theresa motions to the love seat which Ryan pulls me down on. He sits there lazily and wraps his arms around me so that I'm leaning against him. I smile a little and let myself be held, even if Theresa is here and watching. Even if I just met her. "So, how many crazy stories has Ryan told you from our childhood?" She asks.

I shrug and say, "Um, not a lot actually. He's told me a few. Why…do you have some good ones for me?"

She nods and laughs. Ryan laughs a little too and I begin to feel left out until Ryan tightens his grip on me. Theresa calms down a bit and says, "Well, there's the time that Ryan thought that he could skateboard…" She goes on to tell about how Ryan ended up going on a really big ramp and fell down, breaking his arm and one of his legs. Then she tells about how Ryan thought he could be a good baseball player and ended up taking a fly ball in the face. My favorite would have to be when Ryan played Snoopy in a school musical. She showed pictures of them together and I laughed at most of them. For Ryan's Halloween when he was seven, he dressed up as superman, and even when he was thirteen, he dressed up as a gangster. I could stop laughing at Ryan with a little gold fake grill.

Through it all, Ryan put in some comments of his own about certain things and laughed along with me and Theresa. It made me wonder if this would be Ryan and I in ten, twenty, thirty, even forty or fifty years…talking about the past, sharing memories. I wondered if he'd be holding me and we'd be telling our children, their faces eager and our eyes warm and kind. I wondered if maybe Ryan was right and the universe would let us end up together instead of something horrible happening to us. I wondered if maybe there was a such thing as a happy ending.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After spending a couple of hours with Theresa, Ryan said that it was time that we left. I really didn't want to go because I was having fun, but Ryan said that there was one last place we needed to go before we went home, so I had to say goodbye. Where at the beginning things had been slightly awkward, now me and Theresa hugged like we were old friends. "You take care of him, okay? He deserves it," Theresa said to me. I nodded and she smiled and turned to Ryan. "And you don't go off and get yourself killed. You have to stay strong over there."

Ryan nods and gives a half smile. "I know, I will. You don't have to worry about me. I can take care of myself." Ryan turns to me and asks, "Are you ready to go?" I shrug and he smiles. "Alright, let's go then." We get into the car and get situated. He starts driving and reaches for my hand. "So, I want you to come to this park with me. I used to go there all the time when I wanted to think. I though it would be the perfect way to end the day," He says, glancing over at me and smiling. "So what do you think?"

I grin and say, "I think it sounds perfect."

We arrive not long afterwards and I just observe it for a moment before getting out of the car. It has a slide, a merry-go-round and a pair of swings. It's definitely not the best playground, but I can imagine a little Ryan running around or just brooding on the swings. I get out and join Ryan as he walked over the swings. I get on and Ryan reaches for my hand. We just sit there, a comfortable silence over us. I replay the whole day in my mind, starting with Ryan's argument with my dad. Then I remember something that Ryan said that I hadn't thought much of at the time, but now was curious about. I turn to Ryan and say, "So you know that loud argument you had with my dad this morning?"

Ryan looks at me sheepishly and says, "Yeah, what about it?"

I shrug and say, "Nothing big. There was just something that you said.."

"What was it?" He asks, looking at me curiously.

"My dad was implying that we had slept together and you said you wouldn't force me to do anything I didn't want to.." I trail off a little, trying to find the right words. Ryan continues looking at me, I feel his stare on the side of my face. I turn to him and shrug. "I don't know, I was just wondering…are you ready to…well, you know?" I blush a little as I speak, and my heart starts pounding really hard in my chest for some reason. I look away from Ryan for a moment, then look back to see him contemplating my question.

He shrugs and offers me a smile. "Is this a trick question?" He asks, laughing nervously.

I shake my head and say, "No, of course not. I was just curious…"

He looks away from me and the smile on his face fades a little, replaced by a look of uncertainty. "I don't know…I mean, I know, but I don't really know…am I making any sense?" He looks at me and laughs a little.

I shake my head and laugh too. "Um, no, not really."

He shrugs and with a hint of a smile on his face says, "I can think of nothing I would want more than to be with you wholly and completely like that." He looks at me, into my eyes so that I can see his love, and then finishes, "But I wouldn't make you do something that you're not ready for And you've given no indicator that you're ready for that, so for right now, I don't really want to. Like I told your dad, I wouldn't make you do anything you didn't want to."

I smile at him sweetly and say, "Have I mentioned today that I love you?"

His uncertainty fades and in its place is relief and love. "Yeah, after you doubted me of course," He says, keeping his tone light. "But that's okay."

"Well, I do. And who knows, maybe the whole bad luck in the universe thing really is over," I say, leaning my swing closer to his.

He leans closer to mine too and our faces inch closer together like some magnet is pulling us towards each other. "Yeah, I think for the rest of time, we'll be just fine," He says, and then our lips meet in a sweet, loving kiss.

I really wish that the universe was always on my side.

_Baby I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time  
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you  
Baby I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song  
You right me when I'm wrong  
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Okay, so, reviewer of the chapter is: sailaway. Go ahead, ask away (totally rhymed, lol). Remember it can be about me, or it can be _anything_ about the story.**

**And now for the individual responses:**

**Ally - **Yes, it gets sadder, I'm sorry. (hint, hint). Graduating high school huh? That's a pretty big step. I hope that this makes you kind of happy, I don't know if it will though. I don't think this chapter is too sad or sad at all for that matter. Haha, what movie did you end up watching, if you don't mind telling me? And I must ask, why did you cry in Pirates 3? And I really enjoyed your life story that was 38947012389 words long. : )

**girlz-rule - **I took a while to update this one. But I am no officially on break, so hopefully there will be quicker posts.

**Juzzy88 - **We will soon find out about the whole Jimmy/Marissa living arrangements. That's all I'll say about that.

**najeda - **Why thank you. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint.

**Tiffany - **I hope you're feeling better. I suffer from a lot of headaches and lately a lot of panic attacks for some reason, and I don't wish that on anyone. Sorry, Ryan belongs to Marissa and Marissa only…you'll have to fight for him, haha. It's okay that you couldn't come up with a question. I doubt a lot of people will, I just want the option to be there.

**sailaway - **I figured that you guys deserved a coupley post after all the drama of the story. And I love the song that I had used in that chapter. I wasn't aware of how well it fit in until I went back and reread the chapter myself. Nope, the real couple didn't sleep together. I'll keep the rest a mystery for now. And I like commenting back. It gives me something to do because I'm usually rather bored and can't sleep. Hmm, irony and Ryan dying…I guess we'll just have to see what the universe is up to. ; )

**Blue Depths - **It's fine that you hadn't reviewed before, just as long as you review now. And if you don't mind me asking, why is that person more complex than you will ever comprehend?

**CohenNAtwood- **Is there really a such thing as, meant to be, though?

**Erkenbrand - **I really enjoyed your review. It made me feel good about myself, something that I've really needed to work on these past couple of months.

**summerbreeze14 - **Hmm, what makes you feel that the fluff will end? Just a feeling you have there? Or maybe you're onto something. Hmm, guess we'll have to find out. And as for them sleeping together, as they say, 'Give the people what they want.' Words to live by right there, but of course, sometimes we have to say when.


	21. Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

**A/N Song used is 'Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You' by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Okay, some things to say. First, read my story, Pencils. It has a spoiler in it for this story. I want to know if you guys can figure it out…some of you **_**may**_** have already done that. Also, I cannot do individual replies this time. My step mom's baby is due this week and things have been hectic. I will reply to you next time, I promise you that okay? Also, to answer your questions sail away, Marissa's background is that she lives with her mom after he dad leaves and her mom basically is the gold digging Julie that I love best. The real couple met at her school tennis courts. He was skipping class once again and she was playing tennis (pretty badly I must say) with her friend and she ended up hitting the ball and he caught it. She told him to give it back, he said to come get it. He told her he'd walk her home at the end of the day and he'd be waiting for when she got out of school. If you want to know more, I guess you'll have to be reviewer of the chapter again. Speaking of reviewer of the chapter, Ally, you are the winner. Okay, that's all I can remember right now, sorry if I missed any questions or anything. Also, I have a new policy…no posts until I have at least nine reviews. Got it? Good. Now R/R!**

If there's one thing I hate about living in Newport, it's the charity events. Don't get me wrong, I think it's for a good cause, but I hate going to those parties. I usually spend them talking to Summer or some of my other 'friends' while all the adults laugh and talk amongst themselves, slowly drinking themselves drunk. Not to mention all of the gossip that gets thrown around that party like a baseball at the park. As I walk into the room where the party is being held, I suddenly remember what it was like at the beginning of the school year before Ryan. It wasn't only the charity events that I hated, but everything and everyone. I wonder when I suddenly dropped that hate, how it could diminish so quickly, how I could even notice it's absence. That's when I see him. Ryan. And suddenly the answer is clear.

I never lost that part of my heart that held all that hate. It's still full, even now…but with something different. I no longer carry around that hate, but instead it's filled with a strong love for Ryan Atwood. I smile and walk off towards him, ignoring my mom's protests that we need to stick together as a family for at least a few moments before I go with him. Ryan looks up after I take one step towards him, even though he's across the large ballroom and there are numerous loud conversations going on and music being played by a band that my mom and the other Newpsies hired. His eyes focus on me and me only like I'm the only person in this entire room, the whole world, hell, even the massive universe. His mouth curls into a small smile that makes my entire body react. My heart starts racing, my stomach gets all fluttery, my hands get jittery.

He takes a couple of long strides towards me, and then his arms are wrapped around me and he's kissing my lips softly, lightly, like a butterfly wing. When he pulls back, his eyes are shining and his arms stay snugly around me, keeping me safe from the world and all the dangers that live in it. "You look beautiful," He murmurs in my ear, sending shivers down my body.

"I missed you," I whisper, and he looks deeply into my eyes. I imagine that he sees something in me that I don't even see myself because even after all this time, I can't believe that he wants to be with me. His smile is gone, but I see the happiness radiating in his eyes. People say that he didn't used to talk, but he's always professing his love to me and lots of people too. The way he holds me even shows the way he feels for me; his arms wrapped around me, not wanting to let go.

"I kind of missed you too," He says, his voice strong yet so soft at the same time, just like he is. It reminds me of my old golden retriever. He was strong and muscled, yet soft to the touch. "Then again, I always want you with me." His eyes turn serious.

I look around and see that quite a few people are staring at us. I giggle a little and quietly say, "Ryan, let me go…people are looking." My eyes twinkle, and his grow teasing.

"Maybe I don't want to," he says, and then leans in and kisses me on the mouth once again. I try to pull back, but he's just too damn good a kisser for me to even want to. "This is much better than letting you go anyways, you have to admit," He mumbles against my lips.

_You're just too good to be true.  
Can't take my eyes off you.  
You'd be like Heaven to touch.  
I wanna hold you so much.  
At long last love has arrived  
And I thank God I'm alive.  
You're just too good to be true.  
Can't take my eyes off you.  
_

I smile and wrap my arms around his neck. "That may be true, but that doesn't make it right for us to make out in front of all the Newport Gossipers. I wouldn't be surprised if my mom is watching right now with this really big smile on her face…can you see her?" Ryan looks over my shoulder and snickers. "See what I mean? Maybe we should at least pretend to be dancing…"

He shakes his head and softly says, "Or we could really dance…" He pecks my lips softly, then we start to sway softly with the song that the band is playing. I let him hold me as we move to the music, burying my head in the crook of his neck. After the song is over, I try to pull away, figuring he wants to stop dancing, but he just pulls me closer to him. "I told you that I don't want to let go," He murmurs, and I look up at him and smile. My smile is rewarded with a small, light kiss.

"I don't get this," I say after a few moments, still dancing to the soft music with Ryan.

He looks at me questioningly, his eyes suddenly holding a trace of fear. I replay my words in my mind and suddenly understand what he must be thinking. "No…not us…I get us…well, not all the time…" I stumble over my words, and Ryan just gets more and more confused. I sigh and at least attempt to explain. "I mean, that I'm not having doubts about us right now, though sometimes this all seems way too surreal to be my life…" I see Ryan's worried gaze and reassure him by saying, "But a good kind of surreal." He stares at me, now amused by the way I'm having problems conveying what's on my mind and his lips lift into a smirk. "What I don't get is why you're dancing so freely with me when just about everyone at school says that whenever asked to dance, you say, 'I don't dance, so don't ever ask again,' and I didn't even have to ask you to dance this time…"

He dances silently with me for a moment, the smirk replaced by a crooked smile. Then he opens his mouth and in his usual deep voice says, "I guess I don't really care enough about people to dance with them. But it's different with you." He looks into my eyes, his own no longer amused, but full of love and life. "Besides, I like dancing with you. It gives me a reason to hold you close.." His smile returns in full force, making me lose my breath for just a moment.

I think about his words, then say, "I'm going to have to be completely honest with you then." He raises his eyebrows and I giggle slightly at his expression. "I um…well, remember on our first date how I wanted to dance?" His ocean blue eyes twinkle at the memory and he nods but doesn't speak. "Well…uh, well you see the story with that is…I didn't even know that song…"

"Even though you said, and I quote, 'I uh…really like this song?'" He asks amusedly, a smirk on his face once again.

I nod and he laughs a little bit. Deep down though I'm surprised and a little amazed at the way he can recall from memory what I said so easily. It makes me wonder what else he could tell me if I asked. What other conversations does he remember perfectly? I remember everything like it just happened, but I never in a million years expected Ryan to. "Well, you see…it was all Seth's idea."

"To tell me that you liked the song?" He asked, a strange expression on his face that causes me to giggle.

"No, to ask you to dance. He said that you don't dance with anyone and that if you danced with me, it would prove how much you love me…" I look into his eyes, smiling at him sweetly.

"And you needed proof?" He asked, his eyes still teasing, but also a little hurt.

"We hadn't even kissed yet…and though we were technically on a date, we weren't officially together yet…" I said quietly, defending myself. Ryan just continued to dance with me, our bodies still swaying to that surprisingly calming music. I put my head in the crook of his neck again, wondering if I had really hurt him or if it was just a fleeting feeling of doubt.

_Pardon the way that I stare.  
There's nothing else to compare.  
The sight of you leaves me weak.  
There are no words left to speak,  
But if you feel like I feel,  
Please let me know that it's real.  
You're just too good to be true.  
Can't take my eyes off you._

"But you don't need anything to prove my love for you now right?" He asks, and I keep my head where it is, feeling safe and completely at ease.

I shake my head and softly kiss his neck before saying, "No, of course not. I think you've made it pretty obvious…I mean, everything that you've done points to it." I'm quiet, surprised by how much he's shown his feelings and how little I've really shown mine. Sure, I say I love him, and I kiss him a whole lot…but that doesn't measure up to telling your girlfriend's long lost father that you love her and will never let her get hurt, or being ready to kill her step-dad to be for raping her.

"Good, because if you don't know how I feel by now…" Ryan trails off, not finishing his thought. I feel his heart beat and wonder what he was really about to say. I shift a little in his arms, breaking him from his trance and he gets a bitter smile on his face. " Well, if you don't know how I feel about you by now…then I don't know what we're doing together. Because as much as it would hurt me to break up with you…it would hurt even more to know that you doubt me."

I pull my face from his neck abruptly and stare at him wide eyes. His eyes no longer look light and ocean-blue like they usually do…now they look twisted like a fierce hurricane. His bitterness is the wind and his hurt is the rain, both causing damage to my heart for making him even wonder if I knew how much he loved me. "Of course I know that you love me…and I love you too. I just….it was a long time ago, and a joke between me and Seth. So much has happened now between us…so much more is going to happen." My eyes start to water and in a shaky voice I whisper, "I won't lose you, not now…not ever."

"You promise?" He asks, his eyes still a hurricane. "Do you promise to stop doubting me…us? To stop all of this worry?" He shakes his head and gives me a choleric laugh. "Because I've got to admit, I'm getting kid of tired of it."

I nod and firmly say, "I promise."

His eyes stare at me for a moment, then he breaks out into a relaxed smile. My body relaxes in relief and he gently says, "Okay, now I have to be completely honest."

I raise my eyebrows at him and ask, "What did you lie…or stretch the truth about?"

He leans in, pressing his forehead against mine. "I could never break up with you…no matter what you do, no matter what happens between us…I just couldn't leave you. You belong to me, and I belong to you. That's never going to change." His eyes sparkle slyly.

"So you were just pulling an act with me there?" I ask, smiling at him, so glad that he wasn't really angry or anything with me.

He nods and says, "I know that you know how much I love you." He plants a delicate kiss on my mouth, then says, "And I know that you love me. I've always known. Even when you were trying to hide it…even when you didn't know it yourself…I could tell. It made chasing you so much easier to know that you would let me catch you in the end."

_love you, baby,  
And if it's quite alright,  
I need you, baby,  
To warm a lonely night.  
I love you, baby.  
__Trust__ in me when I say:  
Oh, pretty baby,  
Don't bring me down, I pray.  
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay  
And let me love you, baby.  
Let me love you._

This song ends and I pull away from him, using all my strength in the process. He looks at me curiously and I say, "There is one small, tiny favor that I have to ask you…" I take his hand in mine and lace our fingers together.

"And what would that one small, tiny favor be?" He asks, looking a little worried. "It's nothing too, too bad is it? You're not going to make me wear a dress?"

I laugh loudly and ask, "Why would I make you wear a dress?"

He shrugs and says, "You remember Taylor?" I nod and he says, "Well…she had some weird fetishes…"

I shake my head and wince. "Ew, I so do not want to hear about your previous sexual activities with people…much less Taylor and her weird fetishes…"

It's his turn to laugh and relax. "Good, I'll be sure to remember that in the future." He pauses, then finally asks, "Okay, so what's the favor then?"

I drag him over to the far corner where I had spotted my father gaping at me and Ryan. "Well, you and my dad kind of got off to the wrong start this morning…"

"He was trying to take you away," Ryan grumbled, a play pout on his face. I couldn't help myself, he looked so adorable. He deserved a kiss. After I peck his lips, he smiles.

"I'm not blaming either of you…I just know that you guys need to get off to a better start. You're my boyfriend who I love and he's my father…I think that there should be some kind of bond there. I don't want to pick and choose who I spend time with," I say, pulling him closer to my father.

"Okay, fine. But we both know that you'd choose me to spend all your time with right?" He asks, so innocently.

I laugh and look at him. "Okay…maybe."

He smiles and say, "I knew it. You can't resist me."

I shake my head and put my free hand on the side of his face. "No, you're right…you're still way too cute."

"I am not cute," He says, frowning at me. "Atwoods aren't cute."

"Fine then…sexy?" I ask, and he stares at me wide eyed that I'd say that.

"Sexy works…" He says, pulling at his collar as if it's getting hot in here.

I just laugh and roll my eyes, pulling him the rest of the way to my dad. My dad looks at me, then at Ryan and frowns. "Dad, this is Ryan Atwood, my boyfriend…and Ryan…this is Jimmy Cooper, my father." I look between the two. Ryan is at least attempting to be nice, smiling at my dad, and my dad is well…still frowning.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Cooper…and I'm sorry about this morning. I get a little overprotective when it comes to your daughter," Ryan says politely, sticking out his hand for my dad to shake.

My dad nods and says, "Well, you weren't the only one that was rude this morning." He gives Ryan a small smile and shakes his hand. "And by the way, you can call me Jimmy. Mr. Cooper makes me sound old."

I laugh and say, "So…I'll let you two talk?" I give Ryan a wink and he shrugs and talks to me with his eyes, saying that he'll be civil and try.

My dad nods and says, "Yes, I think that's a good idea."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_You're just too good to be true.  
Can't take my eyes off you.  
You'd be like Heaven to touch.  
I wanna hold you so much.  
At long last love has arrived  
And I thank God I'm alive.  
You're just too good to be true.  
Can't take my eyes off you.  
_

Ryan and my dad have a rather amusing talk throughout the night, neither noticing where the time went. I watched from the chair that I was sitting at from the next table over with the Cohens who were also watching Ryan and my dad's interaction curiously. My dad talked about me when I was smaller, and Ryan talked about me now…how we met, how we go to the beach and hang out. Then the whole topic about the army came up and my dad was impressed when Ryan spoke about going instead of me telling him because he saw how Ryan seemed to talk like a man, not a teenage boy.

Afterwards, I went home with Ryan. He drove me to my house to get changed, and my dad said it was okay for me to stay over at his house…as long as nothing happened and we were careful. Then I had to sit through a rather embarrassing lecture with Ryan about how using protection is always the key…I think you get the point. Anyways, after the very scary conversation, Ryan was very amused and I was very disturbed. We went to the pool house and that is where we are now.

"So you and my dad were getting along really, really well.." I say, walking over to Ryan who is sitting on the bed. I sit down on his lap and he smiles at me. I lean in and kiss him softly, then pull away. "I think you deserve a treat for that."

"A treat…really?" Ryan asks, looking at me, his eyes darkening a little bit from the obvious desire.

I nod and lean in to kiss him again, this time sliding my tongue into his mouth. Ryan seems surprised by my forwardness, but then wraps his arms around me and kisses back just as deeply as me. I'm still new to the kissing with tongue thing, but I must say…Ryan is quite the expert in this area. As he's doing his magic with the kissing, I pull his tie so that it gets looser, then pull my mouth away from his and pull it over his head. He leans me down on the bed, and hovers over me, smiling down at me and connecting our lips once again. I quickly strip him of his jacket and start to unbutton his dress shirt. Soon that joins his jacket on the floor and I can enjoy the kissing without feeling that Ryan is too over dressed for the occasion.

I rake my hands fingers through his thick blonde hair, soft to the touch, and he moans into my mouth on numerous occasions. His lips trail from my lips, and to my jaw bone, down to my neck. He nibbles a little on some parts, especially my pulse point which he soon finds out is my really sensitive spot. My whole body feels like it's on fire, even in areas that I haven't felt this way before. The thought of sex with Ryan has briefly crossed my mind before, but not to the point that I actually imagine the taking off of clothes and the actual sex part. And even though the thought of it is scary, it isn't as scary as it used to be.

"I love you," Ryan says after a long, passionate make out session that I have to admit, left me a little hot…if you know what I mean.

I'm surprised by the feelings he evoked in me, and just cuddle up next to him. "I love you too," I whisper, wondering where my growing feelings and desires are going to lead to.

_I love you, baby,  
And if it's quite alright,  
I need you, baby,  
To warm a lonely night.  
I love you, baby.  
Trust in me when I say:  
Oh, pretty baby,  
Don't bring me down, I pray.  
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay.. _


	22. Tell Me What You See

**A/N First let me say that you guys really surprised me. The nine reviews came fast…I should've made this policy a while ago. My sister is not born yet, but it should be either tonight or tomorrow that she will be. My stepmom is getting her labor induced at 5 PM today. I'm pretty excited. Thank you for the reviews, they mean a lot to me. I couldn't insert a song into the chapter because the laptop is so slow, but the name of the chapter is, 'Tell Me What You See' by the Beatles. It doesn't really fit, but I needed a song and that was a good enough one. So, R/R, and enjoy!**

Waking up alone in Ryan's room while he's having an argument with my dad is completely different than actually waking up in his arms. When I wake up, I feel a pair of strong arms around me, holding me against someone. I breathe in deeply and smell Ryan's cologne; strong yet sweet. I smile, feeling him breathe against my neck, and snuggle deeper into his body. I look out into the darkness of the pool house and try to remember a time when I felt so safe with someone other than Ryan. It has to be when I was a little girl, when my dad would come into my room after hearing me scream and hold me tight to his body, trying to console me back to sleep. I always felt like he could fight off any monster that I needed him to, and that's how I feel with Ryan. He's already fought off my monster; Steve.

I lay there for a few minutes before I feel Ryan take a deep breath and hold me even tighter to his body. Then I feel him nuzzle his face into my neck, and I know that he's awake. I smile and turn in his arms, and am met with his sleepy eyes. He smiles at me softly and lazily. "Good morning," he murmurs, the last few traces of sleep tangling with his normal deep and husky voice.

"Good morning to you too," I say, wrapping my arms around him just like his are around me. Now we just stare into each other's eyes for a few minutes, smiling goofily like the teenagers we are, and listening to the other breathe. "I would kiss you, but we need to brush our teeth first," I say, pulling away from his grasp. He moans long and slow, emphasizing that he doesn't like to let go of me, and I just roll my eyes and get off of his bed. I'm dressed in a large shirt of his with some boy shorts, not exactly stylish, but Ryan doesn't seem to mind. I had forgotten to bring pajamas, so Ryan had improvised for me.

Ryan gets up and follows me, beating me to the bathroom. He rummages through some cabinets and pulls out a toothbrush and hands it to me. "I um…well, the last time I went grocery shopping with Kirsten, I picked this up for you." He smiles sheepishly and says, "I thought you'd like it because it had pink. I figured if you ever stayed over, you could use it…"

I smile and take the toothbrush from his hand. "Thank you. I will give you your reward after I use it." I put toothpaste the size of a pea on the bristles of the toothbrush, then start to brush my teeth. After I do that, I run a hand through my hair, noticing that I have bed hair that you can't achieve two times in a row. Ryan meanwhile watches me, a smirk on his adorably handsome face. I look over at him and subconsciously ask, "What?"

He shakes his head and comes over to me, wrapping his arms around me. He leans his face close to mine and whispers, "You look beautiful." His eyes sparkle with love and he tilts his head to the right in that loving way of his. I shake my head and start to protest, but he stops me by leaning in and kissing me softly on my lips. He moves his hands from my waist, slowly up my body in a torturous way. I feel my body come to life, electricity firing through my veins, heat spreading to areas I never felt before, my heart pounding a fast paced rhythm. His hands go up my arms, to my shoulders, up my neck, and finally to the side of my face where he brings my face even closer to his. His tongue traces the outline of my lips until I can't take it anymore and slip my tongue into his mouth.

If he's shocked at all by my forwardness, he covers it up by letting me explore his mouth. He moans softly as I run my tongue over his teeth, over his own tongue, tasting the mint from the toothpaste. He moves his hands from the side of my face, through my hair, fingers tangling and tugging at it softly. I moan, the sound muffled inside of his mouth. My hands are just at my side, so I run them up and down his back, then up to his hair and rake my fingers through it, causing him to moan in my mouth this time. He pulls back and rests his forehead against mine, his breathing hard and labored, a smile planted happily on his face. "That was..." I murmur, trying to regain control of myself.

He nods, his hands still tangled in my hair. "Yeah, it was..." He smiles and pecks my lips quickly, then pulls back a moment and says, "I've never had that much fun kissing someone..."

I remember when he was talking about fetishes last night and think of Taylor. I shudder a little at the thought of his lips ever being pressed up against hers and ask, "Even with Taylor?" I raise my eyebrows and pull away from him so I can measure his facial expressions better. "What's up with that anyways? I thought you two were just friends?"

He nods and says, "Yes, even with Taylor. And we are only friends...but we used to date." I sigh and he says, "And before you even act like I wasn't honest with you or anything, I never said that we didn't date, I just said that I didn't have feelings for her. That's true. I'm in love with you, and never felt anything much more than sexual feelings for Taylor...as bad as that sounds..."

"Oh, so Taylor was your little sex toy then?" I ask, my voice bitter. My eyes avoid him and I cross my arms over my chest, a little upset to think about Ryan being with anyone else but me. I imagine him naked and sweaty on top of Taylor...and the image makes me shiver. Not a good shiver either, but a dark and depressing shiver. This shiver doesn't leave me feeling happy and warm, but upset and cold.

He sighs and says, "It was a long time ago. That doesn't matter now. All that matters is you and me together here and now, right?" He reaches for my arms and pulls them away from my chest, tearing down my walls one again. I sigh and look into his eyes stubbornly and shrug.

"I guess," I mumble. He stares at me, and I stare back at him, both of us not sure what to say. He's probably wondering how to make me feel better and I'm trying to make myself feel better and get the idea of a sweaty, naked Ryan out of my head. And then the images in my head suddenly change.

The Ryan in my mind is no longer on top of Taylor, but on top of me, smiling down, the sweat matting the hair to his head. He leans down and kisses me, making my whole body feel like it's on fire...even though it's already been like that. Then I notice that I'm naked and sweaty too. And the really crazy part of it is that I actually like this vision, even though I know I should be terrified by the thought of sex. But for the life of me, I can't get my imaginary naked Ryan out of my head. Part of me doesn't even want to.

Ryan's watching me the whole time, and I guess my face just keeps getting more and more upset as naked Ryan stays in my mind because he puts his arms around me and softly says, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even brought Taylor up...that was wrong of me." I don't smile or nod, just feel really, really weird. His arms around me aren't helping my vision at all. "And I should've told you when you first met her that I dated her. I was stupid to believe that I could keep it from you...not that I was keeping it from you on purpose..." He sighs and rolls his eyes at himself. "And I'm sorry for not making a lot of sense..." He offers me an apologetic smile. "Are we good?"

I break out of my naked-Ryan day dream and stare at the real Ryan right in front of me, going over the apology in my head once more since I was a little uh...busy...the last time. I nod and smile hesitantly, distractedly saying, "Yeah, we're good."

His smile widens and he leans in and kisses me softly. "Good, I'm glad. I can't stand the thought of you being upset with me again," he murmurs when he pulls back. I don't say anything, just wrap my arms around his neck tightly and hold him close, fighting my thoughts.

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Ryan goes and gets us two bagels from the Cohen kitchen, neither of us wanting to go through an explanation of how I slept with Ryan but didn't technically sleep with him to Seth or Sandy and Kirsten. While he's gone, I run my hand through my hair and as if I'm not already driving myself crazy from the thoughts of naked Ryan, I start talking to myself. "Stop it...get out of my head!" Now naked Ryan is standing right in front of me, completely bare, and I can't even close my eyes to get him out of my head considering he's stuck in my head and closing my eyes makes it worse.

Real Ryan comes in and smiles at me, not noticing my crazy state. "Hey, so I got two plain...is that okay?" He takes a few steps towards me and when I don't answer or acknowledge him, he sits next to me on the bed and puts a hand on my thigh, rubbing it softly with his thumb. "What's going on?" he asks, his blue eyes boring holes into me. I turn and look him in those ocean-blue eyes that I love so much and he gives me a reassuring smile.

"Um...nothing," I say, after a moment's hesitation. I can't tell Ryan about my thoughts, that's too embarrassing.

He shakes his head and says, "I know it's not nothing because of your face. You look concerned. What's wrong?" He raises his eyebrows and continues to rub my thigh, in what he thinks is a reassuring way, but is actually making me remember imaginary naked Ryan and all things that I can do with him.

I give him a tentative smile and reply, "Really, nothing is wrong. I'm completely fine. I have you, and that's all that matters. You and me here, completely clothed and fine about to eat breakfast." I nod and take his hand that's rubbing my thigh and hold it in mine, stopping my thoughts for just a moment.

Ryan stares at me confusedly, but doesn't question me. He nods and says, "Yeah...exactly..." He continues to stare at me, and I try to look normal, but that's not as easy as it sounds. My heart is still pounding hard in my chest from the...excitement...of my small daydream, and my eyes are darting around wildly, trying not to actually look at Ryan so that the imaginary Ryan doesn't pop up in my head again. "So...bagel?" He asks after a minute of awkard silence.

I nod enthusiastically and say, "Yeah, bagel! Nothing better than a nice, plain bagel in the morning right?" I take the bagel from his hand and see that he already put cream cheese on it. I take a bite and smile, my mouth full of bagel, cream cheese on my lip.

Ryan laughs softly and says, "I have no idea whatsoever is wrong with you, but you're really cute right now." He leans in and lightly licks off the cream cheese, a smirk on his face at my reaction; my eyes widening and me swallowing the bagel, even though I'm not done chewing it. "Mmm...tastes good..." His eyes sparkle with desire. I nod and just stare at him, trying not to let imaginary naked Ryan come back to my mind. He leans in and kisses me softly, letting it linger for just a moment before saying, "I'm going to go take a shower." Imaginary naked Ryan in my head smirks and asks if I want to join him. I push away my dirty thoughts and just nod. "Okay then," he says, then gets up and grabs some clothes before walking to the bathroom.

I continue to eat my bagel, trying not to let the thought of Ryan in the bathroom naked bother me. I let my mind wander and a million questions pop up at me unexpectedly. Why am I thinking of Ryan naked so much all of a sudden? Does this mean that I'm ready to have sex with him? What would sex with Ryan be like anyways? Is he good...or will I be too freaked out to notice? Would I be any good at it if we did in fact do it? And how can I know I was good? What does real naked Ryan look like? Do I really want to know? Will Ryan like a naked me, or will my body disappoint him? Does Ryan really mean what he says when he says he can wait for me to have sex? Won't he get bored after a while? All these thoughts and not one single answer.

Ryan comes out of the bathroom not long after he went in with just a towel around his waist. I gape at him and he smiles shyly at me. "I uh, forgot a clean pair of boxers..." He goes over to one ofs his baskets serving as drawers and gets some, bending over to do so, and that's when it happens. Towels can never be very reliable to cover everything, especially when someone bends down. Ryan was holding the towel with one hand and rummaging through the basket with another, the towel falling open just enough for me to see everything...and when I say that, I mean EVERYTHING...he has to offer. Maybe if I hadn't been staring at him in my awkward angle on the bed, I wouldn't have seen anything, but there is no going back now. And I must say, real naked Ryan is a whole lot...er..bigger...than imaginary naked Ryan.

"Oh, look at the time...it's getting late," I say, standing quickly and turning away from Ryan. My palms are sweaty, and my heart is racing worse than it ever has in Ryan's presence before.

"It's not even ten," Ryan points out to me, walking back to the bathroom with a clean pair of boxers in his hand. I stay standing where I am, and Ryan comes back out in record speed, dressed in a pair of khaki shorts and a black shirt that's just snug enough to show off his amazingly built muscles. My small hyperventilation becomes worse. I sit down on the bed, trying to control myself, but it's just too hard because I have seen naked Ryan and I liked it. What is wrong with me? Aren't I supposed to be afraid of this? Ryan quickly comes over to me and asks, "What's wrong, because I know it's something. You've been acting strange all morning." He puts a hand on the side of my face, making my heart beat even faster to the point that I wonder if I will have a heart attack. He looks into my eyes, searching for the problem but coming up with nothing. He softly asks, "Now are you going to tell me or keep me guessing?"

I open my mouth to tell him everything; the imaginary naked Ryan, the real naked Ryan...the feelings in me when I see them...but I quickly shut it. Ryan won't understand, he can't understand. He'll probably smile and act like it's a good thing, but it's not. I'm not supposed to feel this way about him. I'm not supposed to want sex after what happened to me. It's wrong for me to want that, to imagine that. I should feel dirty when I think of it, but instead I feel alive and free. So I settle on telling Ryan, "It's nothing for you to worry about."

Ryan is quiet and must see that he's not going to win this because he nods and then softly asks, "So..what do you want to do today?"

I shrug and ask, "Are the Cohens going to be here?"

He shakes his head and says, "Seth is doing sailing lessons and Sandy and Kirsten both have work."

I think about my options and decide that even though I'm intimidated by Ryan right now and my sexual desires, I want to be alone with him. "Can we just hang out here? We can go swimming in the pool..."

Ryan smiles and says, "Okay...did you bring your swimming suit with you?"

"Yeah, I brought my red bikini," I say with a small smile. Seeing Ryan smile makes me feel the familiar warmth in my body whenever I'm around him. After my previous feelings, I enjoy the old one.

"That one's always been my favorite," Ryan says, his smile widening and his eyes starting to sparkle.

"Oh really, why is that?" I ask, standing up to go retrieve my bikini.

He shrugs and says, "I don't know...you look the hottest in it..." I turn red and Ryan laughs.

"I'm going to go change," I say, walking towards the bathroom.

Ryan nods and says, "Okay, I'm going to change in here, so don't come out until I say I'm ready." I nod and walk into the bathroom, quickly shutting the door behind me. I start to change, but remember naked Ryan and groan to myself. How do I get these images of Ryan out of my head? Do I even want to?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After playing in the pool for about an hour, Ryan and I were both wrinkly and tired. Ryan got out first and went to go get the towels, leaving me on my own for a minute. I slowly got out of the pool and started shivering. Water ran down my body, and I looked over at Ryan who was walking to get the towels. Water droplets dripped down his body slowly, torturously, and suddenly sweaty, naked Ryan popped into my mind again. I glared at no one in particular and when Ryan came back, he raised an eyebrow adn asked, "Did I take too long getting the towel or something?"

He wrapped it around my shoulders and started rubbing my shoulders so that I would warm up and stop shivering. But being this close to Ryan when all he was wearing was those swimming trunks and all I was wearing was a slightly skimpy red bikini was driving my mind crazy. I pulled away from him and abruptly said, "I saw you naked."

Ryan stared at me, wide eyed, and asked, "What?"

"This morning...the towel moved...and I saw...everything," I say, the words coming out embarrassed and slow. "And I can't get it out of my head for some reason..."

He looked at me, his face suddenly emotionless and asked, "Well...did you like what you saw?"

I blush dark red and he laughs. "I don't know...I...well.."

He laughs and pulls me into his arms. "I was just kidding." I glare at him and hit his chest playfully and he says, "Ow, that hurt." I don't offer him any sympathy and he continues to laugh. "Look...that's not the end of the world. And it's perfectly normal to have fantasies of me. I know for a fact that I'm always having them of you..." I blush even darker crimson, if that's even possible, and Ryan looks sheepish and embarrassed on his own suddenly. "I shouldn't have said that..." he said after a minute.

I laugh a little, suddenly feeling better. Ryan always could do that for me. I lean in and kiss him softly, then pull back and say, "Well, that makes me feel so much better. Thank you for telling me..." I pull him into the pool house and ask, "So...what fantasies do you have of me exactly?"

He looks down and avoids my eye. "I don't know...just...fantasies..."

I roll my eyes and taunt, "Come on. You can't tell me one, little fantasy?"

He shakes his head, still avoding my eye. "Nope, not even one." I lean in and kiss him hard on the mouth, taking both of us by surprise. His arms wrap around me and he pulls me close to his body, his amazingly gorgeous and perfect body. I pull back after a minute, leaving us both panting and gulping in air. "Okay...you push me down onto the bed and get on top of me, straddling my waist..." He avoids my eyes and says, "And then you get undressed slowly...and then I get undressed...and then we...well, we...you know..." He turns red and I smile, finding him completely adorable.

I push him down onto the bed and he stares at me, eyes wide open. I climb on top of him and say, "While I can't do that yet...I do think that you deserve to see something, considering I did." Ryan starts to protest, but I pull down the straps of my bikini, leaving my breasts bare and he suddenly shuts his mouth. "You can look, but you can't touch," I say, avoiding his eyes.

I keep the straps down for a minute, letting his eyes stare, then pull up the straps. He looks up into my eyes and smiles. "Everything about you is perfect, do you know that?" He pulls me down and kisses me long and slow on the mouth, our tongues mingling together.

And that's when I knew that even though a couple of months, hell, even a couple of days ago the thought terrified me, I was going to make love to Ryan Atwood...soon.

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**Since Ally was not aware of what reviewer of the chapter is, she will be reviewer of the chapter again. Ally, reviewer of the chapter is drawn randomly and means that you can ask me anything about the story…any questions or whatever that you otherwise would be too afraid to ask, or would reveal too much. So you can ask whatever you want now, and I'll do my best to answer it.**

**Now for the individual reviews. I'm only doing them from this past chapter because my internet is slow and if I tried to do reviews from the last chapter too, I'd take another three hours to post this up. Yes, that's how slow it is, I'm not exaggerating. I could've had this up last night, but it wouldn't load the site because it's so slow.**

**TornApart3269** – Thank you for reading. It's cool that you think my story is a REALLY good Marissa/Ryan story.

**Juzzy88** – I saw that you reviewed on the OC addicts for this chapter already, so I won't say much except for thank you for reading AND reviewing. Means a lot to me.

**girlz-rule **– I love this chapter. It's one of the few that I actually like.

**Ally** – I explained what you 'won' lol. Shows how much you're paying attention to that huh? Jk. And to answer your question, one person can't review nine times. The most that you can review for one chapter is twice…so you do the math of how many people have to review, even though that's technically cheating. And I'm glad it's your favorite story. I felt happy reading that.

**najeda **– It feels so good to write a new chapter for you guys to read. Sadly, this story has basically become my life.

**tegan** – And what exactly do you think is going to happen? Thank you for hoping my sibling will be nice and healthy. I'm going to have a baby sister.

**3captainoats** – So what are your two predictions? I'm curious to know.

**sailaway** - First off, I remember from the last chapter that you referred to the chapter, Something, as the previous episode. I think that's pretty awesome. I can promise that Ryan won't break up with Marissa. I can't promise anything else though. I didn't really think the writing was the great in that chapter, but you seemed to really like it. I don't really know what was so great about Marissa feeling the amazingness of Ryan remembering….but I'll take the compliment, lol. The sex is going to be two chapters from now…are you happy about that? And I brought up Taylor because I needed her for the next chapter. If you really think about it, I never said they hadn't dated…or did I? I read the whole story again this past weekend and couldn't find it. Alright, about my age. Did you seriously think I was 27, or was that just a random number thrown out there? And how did my member name make you think that I was older? The story behind my member name is that I am coopchino18 on the OC addicts site and my dad was beginning to get pissed with me for being so obsessed with the show, so I switched the name around…chinocoop81…so he wouldn't know it was me. Clever huh? It's hard not to have dark thoughts for a 14 year old, though the way you say it, you make me sound so young (I don't believe a person should be measured just by their age). This is why I have dark thoughts; My grandma was raped (hmmm….rape…sounds familiar…), my mom was molested, I was almost molested by my cousin…twice, I watched my grandma struggle with life, I am basically not trusted by my parents (used to be really close to my dad, but now he basically hates me), I have friends that don't act as friends, I cut myself in front of people but they didn't notice, I can remain silent for a long time but people just ignore it, I'm put down by my dad pretty much everyday I'm with him. I've watched single handedly on numerous occasions the way that people say they 'love' each other and it's over in a week. I have no reason to have 'happy' thoughts about the world when I know how cruel it is. I'm no longer deeply depressed, but there was a point that I was plotting my suicide. It's hard to come back from that. I still feel worthless sometimes, but now I've found people to help me. Not many people understand how bad it was because no one wants to talk about it. I will say that I am not Marissa, but I'm curious as to why you thought I was. Oh, and there are around eighteen chapters left.


	23. Till There Was You

**A/N Song used is 'Till There Was You, in the style of the Beatles. Thanks for the reviews, R/R, thanks!**

Being with Ryan is an extraordinary feeling. Even after being together all these months, after kissing him countless times, after staying the night with him… I still can't get over how much I love him. I still get those annoying little butterflies in my stomach, and my heart pounds hard against my chest. It's amazing how much one person can impact a life. Ryan alone made me feel worthy of living. He brought the warmth back into my life after I felt that I would be forever trapped in the blizzard. So why wouldn't I want to sleep with him? I loved him and he loved me, so that's what people that were in love did right?

The remainder of break was spent with Ryan at all hours during the day. We swapped between eating with his family and eating with mine, or just plain eating on our own at the diner or Crab Shack. We went to the beach once, walking along the shore together. He had his arm around my waist and I had my head rested on his shoulder. The seagulls communicated with each other and little kids ran around making sandcastles or searching for seas shells. It all brought a smile to my face, remembering how for the longest time, I wouldn't come to the beach because there was no one to take me. Somehow Ryan made me love the beach even more. "I love the beach," I say softly as we walk along.

Ryan is quiet for a minute, then says, "I love the beach too." He smiles, turning his head and kissing my forehead softly. "And I love you. So being at the beach with you is a win-win situation for me." I smile, turning my head to look into his eyes. They sparkle from the sun, and I see the warmest glow of happiness radiating from them to my own eyes. "What do you love about the beach so much?" he asks, his voice velvety smooth.

I shrug and look out at the crystal blue water, it reminding me of Ryan's eyes. I smile and say, "I love looking at the water and the way it sparkles…like you." I turn and look into his eyes, my smile widening. He leans in and kisses me, his eyes twinkling. Our lips move together for a few seconds before I pull back and say, "And as I've told you, I love the sunsets on the beach. What do you love about the beach?"

He ponders it in his mind for a moment, his face getting that brooding look that he does when he's thinking hard. "I think I like just being out here in the sun with the sand between my toes. It's hard not to love the beach, and I can't pinpoint the exact thing that draws me to it…just like I can't choose that one thing that I love most about you." He smiles softly and says, "It's a combination of things that makes it so wonderful, I guess."

And then of course, there are the times when we are alone in the pool house, the door shut and locked, the curtains pulled down. Those are the moments that I love with Ryan the most but am also afraid of because that's when I feel the most vulnerable. Like the time that Ryan and I spent after coming back from the beach. We both walked into the pool house and Ryan shut the door, pulled down the curtains, leaving us both alone. Then he walked over to me and took me into his strong arms, smiling as he leaned in and kissed me so gently on my lips that I thought I had died and gone to heaven. He led me to the bed, never breaking the kiss.

As he hovered over me, I stared into his eyes, dark with desire, but light at the same time with strong love and awe. I began to feel a little self-conscious, but he washed away all of my insecurities by kissing me once again, his lips soft against my own. I lifted my arms from the side of my body, and wrapped them tightly around his neck, pulling his entire body closer to mine. He ground his hips into mine, and I moaned long and slow, feeling my entire body react to his. His kisses made me feel like I was on fire, and my heart started pumping really fast. When I got breathless, he pulled his lips away from my lips and moved them to my neck, causing me to moan even louder.

_There were bells on a hill  
But I never heard them ringing  
No I never heard them at all  
Till there was you  
_

My hands have a mind of their own. They move from around Ryan's neck, down his body slowly, teasingly, and unbutton his shirt. I feel his heart beat hard against my hand and it makes me smile just a little bit. He nibbles on the sensitive pulse point on my neck and I quickly shed him of his shirt. I groan when I feel his wife beater and run my hands under that now, finally being met with his bare skin. It's warm against my trembling fingers, and I quickly pull his wife beater over his head, leaving me with a shirtless Ryan. I smile and flip us over so that he's on the bottom, and straddle his waist. He stares up at me, his eyes attentive and anxious to my next move. I grin and lean down, kissing him passionately on the lips. My tongue tangles with his, causing us both to become breathless. I pull away and do what Ryan did to me earlier; nibble on his neck. "When did you become this good?" He asks, his breathing hard and labored.

"I learned from the best," I tease, pulling away from him. He groans and stares up at me. "Are you implying that I wasn't good before?" I ask, pretending to be upset with him. I give a fake glare down at him and his eyes widen.

"No, no, no…I just meant that you have become so much better that it's driving me crazy…more so than before," he says, his hands rested on my hips. I smile and he lets out a sigh of relief.

"Hmm…I think you should be rewarded for being such a good boyfriend," I say, moving my hands to the hem of my shirt. Ryan literally stops breathing or moving, just stares at me, anticipating my next move. I slowly start to inch it up, making sure to take extra long. He groans and lays his head back against the pillows frustratedly when I won't let him take it off for me. "Someone's excited," I say with a smirk.

He flips me over the second my shirt is off and kisses me hard on the mouth. "Can you blame me?" He mumbles against my lips, causing me to giggle. I feel something pressing against my thigh, and then realize that it's a certain…er...happy…part of Ryan. This makes me feel a little embarrassed for a second, and then he grinds his hips into mine again and suddenly everything else but Ryan and me disappears, all the embarrassment replaced with an overwhelming pleasure of being with Ryan. I don't even think about how far this is going, not thinking much when Ryan unclasps my bra and throws it onto the floor. He looks down at me and lets out a groan. "You're too perfect to be real," He murmurs, leaning in and kissing me tenderly on the lips.

His hand moves to one of my breasts and he caresses it softly, giving me a new wave of pleasure that I've never felt before. I moan loudly and he smiles. I pull back from the kiss and look into his eyes, seeing them darker than I ever have before from the desire to be with me…to make love to me. He leans down and kisses my neck gently, then trails down to my collarbone. As his lips near my breasts, my breath catches in my throat. His lips are just about to move over them, when we hear a loud knocking on the pool house door. We both groan in unison, and Ryan shouts out, "What?!"

Seth's voice is heard through the door as he says, "Hey, my parents want you guys to know that dinner is ready. Marissa is in there right?"

"Yeah, okay…we'll be out in a second!" Ryan shouts, then we wait a minute before we're sure Seth is gone. Ryan sighs and looks down on me, disappointment coloring his eyes. "Sorry about that…about them…" He says softly, kissing the tip of my nose softly. "But we should probably be going. I don't want them to get the wrong idea or anything…"

"What, so you don't think they'd be happy to find us both shirtless?" I ask, smirking at him. I look down, surprising myself for a moment. A part of me hadn't processed that I was actually topless, about to go who knows how far with Ryan. Just the thought of what almost just happened made me freak out just a little bit, and Ryan stares at me confusedly.

"What's wrong?" He asks, rolling off of me and handing me my clothes. He puts on his wife beater and his shirt, leaving it unbuttoned.

I put on my bra, and then my shirt, Ryan watching my every movement. It makes me slightly numb to think of how close I was to actually having sex voluntarily. I don't know what to think about it right now. "I think…we almost went too fast…" I say after a minute of silence. I look at Ryan, trying to determine his reaction. He looks concerned for me.

_There were birds in the sky  
But I never saw them winging  
No I never saw them at all  
Till there was you  
_

He walks over to me and wraps his arms around me. "Why do you say that? You seemed okay just a minute ago.." He says softly, looking into my eyes, trying to understand what I'm feeling.

"I did…I liked it…" I say softly, looking into his eyes. "I don't know…I can't explain it."

"Well, can you try?" he asks gently.

I shrug and whisper, "I think I would've regretted it afterwards…if we had done it. I always thought that my first time with you would've been more special, not just hormonal like it was."

He nodded and says, "I can understand that." He leans in and kisses me lightly on the lips, making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside once again. "I promise you…whenever you're ready and we go all the way…I'll make it special." He smiles at me and says, "But now we need to go eat dinner with the Cohens."

Before I knew it, school was starting. The morning of the first day back, Ryan came by my house and picked me up since I wasn't allowed to stay with him during school nights, and we went to eat pancakes at the diner. When we got to school, Ryan walked me to my locker, then to class. The morning was pretty dull, and I couldn't wait until lunch when I could see Ryan again. I was walking to my locker when I heard someone call, "Hey, Marissa, wait up!" The voice was familiar, so I stopped and turned around, shocked to see Taylor walking towards me.

"Uh…hi.." I say, furrowing my eyebrows together in confusion. "What's up with you seniors being free for lunch when you should be in class?"

She laughed like I was the most hilarious person in the world, causing me to grow both concerned and pissed off. "It's my free period. Anyways, so…how are you and Ryan?" She walks alongside me as I walk to my locker.

"Good," I reply, glancing at her questioningly.

"Good…or really good?" She asks, raising her eyebrows.

"Um…really good?" I say, it turning out to sound like a question, something I hadn't planned on. What was Taylor doing?

"That's good then. Things were really good with me and him when we dated, but then he just started becoming distant and stuff. I don't know what happened…" She sighed sadly and then looked at me, suddenly hyper and happy again. "But you two are good and there are no signs of being distant?" I shake my head and she asks, "So…have you guys…you know…had sex yet?"

I turn red and say, "I don't think that's your business."

"So you haven't," She states. "What's keeping you back?"

"It's…complicated….not that I should be talking about this to you," I say, reaching my locker. Ryan isn't there yet, so I open it and put all my stuff in.

"Well…he's worth the wait," She says with a smirk. She gets this far away look in her eyes and I don't want to even imagine what she's thinking about. Suddenly I remember naked Ryan and grow red.

"Yeah…"

"He would love to be with you…I can tell," She says, looking at me with a smile. "He loves you, something he never did for me."

I shrug and say, "Yeah…he does…"

_Then there was music and wonderful roses  
They tell me in sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew_

"And that means that he only wants it that much more. Now, Ryan's not the kind to go off and cheat, especially if he's this infatuated with you, but he is a guy and guys can get sexually frustrated sometimes…"

"uh…"

"Which means that you have to keep him occupied…."

"Hmm…"

She looks at me and says, "Well…this has been fun. We should totally hang out sometime. I know this really great place at the mall that we can go get our hair and nails done! It can be so much fun!" She claps excitedly, slightly scaring me.

"Um…yeah, maybe," I say, giving her a polite smile.

Just then, Ryan walks over and puts his arm around me. He leans in and kisses me tenderly, leaving me completely breathless. When he pulls back, he sees Taylor and says, "Oh, hey… I didn't see you there…" He gets slightly uncomfortable. I just lean into his embrace.

"Oh, don't mind me, I'll just be going," She says, looking at me and winking. "Bye guys!" She practically yells, waving energetically and walking away. When she's gone, Ryan turns and gives me an amused smirk.

"So…you and Taylor?" He asks, his voice highly amused.

"Yeah…I don't know how you ever dated her," I say, laughing a little.

He shakes his head and says, "I can't remember how it started either."

I laugh a little and say, "She's…different…"

He laughs and kisses me softly. "That she is."

All throughout lunch and the rest of the day, Taylor's words stick with me. Is it really fair for me to keep leading Ryan on? No. Does he want to have sex? Yes. Do I want to have sex with him? I'm not sure…maybe…okay, yes. And that's what scares me most of all.

_There was love all around  
But I never heard it singing  
No I never heard it at all  
Till there was you  
_

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_Then there was music and wonderful roses  
They tell me in sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew_

After school, I'm quiet on the ride home. Ryan tries to start up a conversation, but I just answer as quickly as possible before I go deep into thought again about Ryan and me and the huge step that I think I might be ready to take. When we get to the pool house, Ryan takes my hand and gently asks, "What's wrong?"

I shrug and say, "Nothing."

He glares at me and says, "I know that there's something, so what's wrong?" We both sit on the edge of the bed and he puts a hand on my back and rubs it soothingly.

I look at him and take in a deep breath before saying, "So…I've been thinking…a lot…"

When I trail off for a minute, Ryan encourages by saying, "Okay, thinking…about what?"

"About us and what we almost did the other day," I say softly, looking away from him.

"You mean before we were interrupted by Seth saying it was time for dinner?" He asks quietly. I nod and he says, "It's okay…we don't have to do anything. We won't go that far again."

I sigh and close my eyes. "Well…what if I want to?"

I turn and look at him, trying to measure his reaction. He furrows his eyebrows together and asks, "What do you mean?"

I take in a breath and say, "What if I want to…you know?"

He gives me a measured look and states, "Have sex?"

I nod and say, "Yeah…what if I did?"

He shrugged and said, "I don't know…" He looked down at his hands for a moment, a serious expression on his face. "What made you want this?" He asks softly.

"I've been thinking about it, ever since I saw you the other day…when the towel fell open. And then Taylor…"

"Taylor?" He asked, raising his eyebrow. "What would she have to do with anything?"

"She was talking about sex today, and how you get sexually frustrated," I say like it's not a big deal.

He sighs and says, "Don't listen to Taylor."

"So you don't get frustrated?" I challenge.

_There was love all around  
But I never heard it singing  
No I never heard it at all  
Till there was you  
Till there was you  
_

"No! Well…yes, but that's not important! I can deal with it," he says, standing up and pacing. I have no idea why he's so upset. I would think that he'd want to do this.

"Ryan…why are you against this…us…being together?" I ask quietly, feeling doubts for just a moment that he doesn't want me in that way right now.

"That's not what's it," He says with a sigh. "I want that… a lot…I just don't want you to feel like we have to do it." He looks at me, deep into my eyes. "I don't want to be Steve."

I shake my head and stand up, wrapping my arms around him. "You will never be like Steve," I assure him. "I want this." I look down his body, then back up into his eyes. "I want all of this…all of you. I'm ready."

"Are you sure?" He asks, his voice shaky and unsure. "We don't have to.."

"When are the Cohens going to leave on their trip?" I ask, pondering a good time in my head.

"This weekend," He says quietly, barely audible.

"And Seth?" I ask, forming a plan.

"He'll be at some field trip with the comic book club," He whispers, starting to understand what I'm implying.

"So you'll be here…all alone…for the weekend?" I ask, my voice surprisingly steady and calm.

He nods. "Yeah."

I look into his eyes and softly say, "Friday night." I don't need to explain any further, both of us understands what it means.

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**Reviewer of the chapter: girlz-rule**

**Individual reviews:**

**Girlz-Rule - **I'm not actually sure when Ryan is going to leave. I was going to have him leave in like three chapters, but now I'm thinking of having him be trained in a base near Newport for a couple of chapters before sending him off. So it depends on how many songs I can find to use and how inspired I am. I got the idea for the story when the person told the story to me. I get most ideas for my stories in strange ways. Sometimes I read a line and it inspires me, sometimes I hear a song and that's what inspires me. The weirdest way is when I wake up with a line in my head, or dreamt out a certain storyline. If you want help coming up with a storyline or something, I can always help brainstorm. Feel free to PM me for any reason. The sex will happen in the next chapter. If you feel weird wanting to read it, imagine how weird I'm feeling going to be the one writing it. And it's completely normal to think 'dirty thoughts.' It's what I'm told all the time…not that I'm thinking of it all the time. And I read your profile and it says there are two of you on one account…if you don't mind me asking, which one of you reads the story?

**3captainoats **- I'm glad you liked my one-shot. I won't tell you what the actual spoiler directly in front of everyone…but who knows…you could be right…or wrong..

**elly **- They are going to do it in the next chapter.

**Tegan **- I'm glad that my posts brighten up your day. Reading everyone's reviews is what brightens up my day.

**sailaway **- I still love how you refer to it as episodes. You make me really want to write my own show. Can we always be sure a monster is completely gone, or do they just hide in the dark, waiting for the right time to pounce out at us? Haha, I can't post everyday unless I get enough reviews everyday. That's the way I roll. And what makes you so sure that there's going to be a downfall soon? Oh, I understand the whole 27 years old thing now. It makes sense…I just can't imagine someone actually thinking I was 27. It made me feel very mature, lol. Oh, and I understand the Marissa thing too. I actually am not sure how many chapters will be in the story, once again. Sorry, haha.

**J7chick18 **- where do you get your member name from?

**Najeda** - I don't see how everyone thinks it's getting better and better.

**Newport-princess **- Hi, Georgia! You think it's funny to read about horny Marissa…imagine my amusement in writing it, haha. hugs back

**Nichole** - Nichole is my middle name…not that you care, haha, just thought I'd say that. I am glad that you like my story, I love my reviewers. They named my sister Daniela Elizabeth. I won't put the last name for obvious reasons.


	24. Can't Help Falling In Love With You

**A/N So here's the next chapter. I know I updated this quickly, but I was very bored and had nothing else to do. I hope everyone likes it. The song used is 'Can't Help Falling In Love With You' by Elvis Presley. I was originally going to use Love Me Tender, but then I started listening to the other one and couldn't get it out of my head. You guys are lucky. I had finished this and wasn't going to post it, then elly's review appeared in my inbox and you guys were saved. Great job! R/R, thanks.**

You would think that after setting a day and time for Ryan and I to finally make love, things would be easier, but they're not. Far from it. Every time we're in the same room, what will happen on Friday night fills in the silent gap between us, an elephant in a small space. Our kisses are hesitant, our minds distant, thinking about what is going to happen. The week goes by awkwardly, the wait getting to both of us. On Wednesday, I just couldn't take another day with him, sitting there and watching TV while both our minds were a million miles away. So I turned to him and said, "Tomorrow night I'm thinking about hanging out with Summer."

He looked at me confusedly and pointed out, "We always spend Thursday nights together though. It's our day to sit here and watch The Valley, why do you want to change that?" His eyes hold a certain fear in them that I can't really understand, but want desperately to find out. Was he as nervous as I am about Friday night? I don't know why he should be, he's experienced in this area from everything I've heard from Taylor, and it's not like he was the one that was raped. So it just doesn't make sense why he should be nervous. I figured he'd be overly excited.

"We spend every night together," I remind him, and he smiles and shrugs. I kiss him softly on the cheek before saying, "And I love spending Thursday nights with you watching The Valley, but I haven't spent virtually any time with Summer lately, thanks to you. She's been my friend for a long time, and I can't just ditch her…no matter how much I love you." I give him a sweet smile, knowing that he can't resist it. I learned how to work his heart a long time ago to my advantage…just as he did mine.

"That is very true," He said. He looked at me and sighed, the hint of a smile playing on his face. "I will miss you, that's for sure…" He smiled and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Thank you!" I lean in and kiss him hard on the mouth, causing his smile to widen. He wraps his arms around me and I pull back, leaning my forehead against his.

"You don't need my approval to do things…I don't want to seem like I'm controlling you or anything," He said softly, pulling back to get a better look into my eyes. He searches them for something, for what, I'm not sure. I smile and kiss him gently, completely forgetting about Friday night for just a moment. "And besides…we have Friday together still, right?" And suddenly the conversation took an entirely different turn. He looks at me deeply.

I nod and say, "Yeah…why wouldn't we?" I involuntarily tense nervously, all my fears about making love to Ryan coming back to me. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I'm afraid of what the result will be. Will I remember Steve? Will I even be good? I have no idea what to do, Steve always made all the moves, leaving me just laying there. I want Ryan to feel good, but I don't know how to achieve that goal.

He shrugs and sighs before quietly saying, "I don't know…I just feel like this past week we've been distant, and it's only been since we decided on Friday." He pauses, kissing my forehead tenderly before resuming. "We don't have to do anything. That option is always there."

I nod. "I know, but….I want this." I look into his eyes, not sure how to explain myself in a way that makes him understand exactly what I'm going through. After a few minute of silence, I realize that no matter how long I stare at him, he'll never be able to know what I'm going through if I don't at least attempt to tell him. "I want you and me to take that step…it's just that I'm scared. And it's not easy to explain. I'm not afraid of you and me together…I'm afraid of what might happen in my mind if we do. And then I'm afraid that I'm going to do something wrong because I'm not exactly as experienced as you…"

He shakes his head and murmurs, "You don't have to be afraid. You don't have to worry about being experienced because that's not what matters to me. What matters is being able to finally love you the way you deserve to be loved…the way that idiot of a guy took away from you." He kisses me long and slow, his tongue softly stroking mine, his hands placed on the side of my face, making me feel like the most precious person in the world. When he pulls back he whispers, "And I wish more than anything that I was your first, but I'm not. I can deal with that, I guess, but what I can't deal with is if you regret it afterwards. I want you to be completely sure that you want to." He pauses, letting his words soak in. "So are you sure, without a doubt, that you want Friday night to happen?"

His words warm my heart and I nod quickly, more sure now than ever before that I want to make love to Ryan Atwood, the only boy I've ever loved. "Yes, I want it," I say in a strong voice, leaning in and kissing Ryan until I can't breathe, and even then, I continue kissing him, finally relaxing at the idea of Friday night.

_Wise men say only fools rush in  
But I cant help falling in love with you  
Shall I stay  
Would it be a sin  
If I cant help falling in love with you_

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Thursday night I stay true to my word and go over to Summer's house. She welcomed me with open arms, literally, and rushed me excitedly upstairs to her room where the Valley was going to start in mere minutes. We watched that, me spacing off at the thought of what could be happening in exactly twenty four hours. Naked Ryan comes to mind and I try not to smile so that I don't make Summer suspicious. At the very end of the show, Summer turns to me and says, "That had to have been one of the best episodes ever!"

I nonchalantly respond, "Oh…yeah, totally." I give her a small smile, but think about Naked Ryan and what I'll be doing with him tomorrow night. Just the thought sends chills through my entire body. Summer raises her eyebrows and I ask, "What?"

"You totally are thinking about Ryan aren't you?" She asks, a smirk poised on her amused face. "Wow, am I really that boring?" She asks it jokingly, but I know that deep down she's jealous of Ryan and feels insecure about our relationship, which I can't blame her about. From Steve to Ryan, I've had my reasons for being distant this year, but she doesn't deserve that.

"I am not thinking about Ryan, and you are not boring," I lie…about the thinking about Ryan part at least. She raises her eyebrows and I say, "Fine, okay, maybe I was thinking about Ryan…but you're still not boring."

She smiles, pleased that she could read me so easily. "See Coop, Atwood isn't the only one that knows you." She leans back on her bed and asks, "So what's going on with you two anyways? You guys have been all lovey-dovey today…not that you aren't usually…but today it's just over the top. Can that guy not keep his paws off of you for two seconds? I was surprised you even came tonight."

I sigh and say, "I know that I haven't exactly been the best friend lately…it's just that right now is a really big time for me and Ryan."

Summer's slightly bummed attitude suddenly changes to curious. "Why…what's going on?" She asks, her eyes sparkling from the potential gossip.

I ponder what to tell her, and then finally decide on the truth…or partial truth anyways. "Well, Ryan and I are going to sleep together," I say, trying to see her reaction.

"Don't you guys already sleep together on the weekends?" She asked. I had told her this much, but had been sure not to mislead her and make her think that we had actually taken the big step yet.

I nod and say, "Yeah…but I don't mean sleep…I mean…well…" I raise my eyebrows, implying what I really mean. Summer's eyebrows raise and she gets a shocked look on her face.

"So you mean you and Atwood are going to…do it?" She asks, her words slow and careful. I thought she'd be a lot more excited, but she doesn't looked too thrilled at the idea for some reason. After I nod, she asks, "Wow…are you sure you're ready? I mean, we are only fifteen and all. If it's him pressuring you, you don't have to do anything. Just because he's older and you love him, doesn't mean that you have to listen to everything he says…"

I shake my head and inform her, "I want to do it. It was me that brought up the idea actually."

Summer seems amused by this and I relax. "Ready to ride that horse now are you, Coop?"

I blush and she laughs. "You have a way of putting things, that's for sure," I say, giggling slightly myself. "So you don't think it's a big mistake or anything?"

She shakes her head. "No, I just wanted to be sure that he wasn't pressuring you for sex, because if he was, I would so go rage blackout on him." I laugh and roll my eyes. "What, it's true!"

"I know, that's the sad part," I manage to say while laughing.

The rest of the night we talk about Ryan and my relationship, my fantasies (which she got a kick out of), and just random things. When my dad picks me up around eleven, I realize that in twenty four hours, the deed can already be done. That brings a certain joy to my life that not even I could have predicted.

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After school the next day, Ryan sneaks up on me from behind, planting a kiss on my neck. I feel my heart beat triple and my stomach has so many butterflies that it makes me dizzy. "Hey," he says, so softly that it makes me feel comfortable and at ease. This is just Ryan, my Ryan. Why should I be so nervous about tonight?

I turn I his arms and smile, staring into his crystal blue eyes. "Hey," I murmur, leaning in and kissing him. He pulls back and I pout, resulting in him laughing and kissing the tip of my nose.

"Believe me, there's plenty of time for that later," He says, his voice growing husky, his eyes getting darker with desire. I gulp and my heart starts to beat faster once again. "So, I asked Summer already and she said that she could give you a ride home.."

"I thought we were going to be together tonight…starting now," I say, a very real pout on my face. I don't want to waste a minute with him because even though it's pathetic, I missed him a whole lot last night. And even though I'm completely terrified about tonight, I know that I'll still be with Ryan, and that's reassurance enough.

He shakes his head and says, "I need to set up for tonight, get dinner ready…everything." He smiles and I sigh, slightly upset that my night isn't starting just yet. "Don't worry, I'll come pick you up as soon as possible…it's just better this way. You'll see what I mean." He pecks my lips quickly and then sees Summer and smiles and waves "Tonight…see you around seven? I'll come pick you up," He murmurs softly.

I nod and say, "Seven, not a second later." He grins and nods, then walks away, leaving me anxiously waiting seven to roll around.

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Seven finally comes around, and I see Ryan's car roll in right on time. I smile, run downstairs with my bag. I'm stopped by my dad who asks, "Are you going to Ryan's house?"

I nod and say, "Yeah…he's here so…"

"Tell him I said hi," My dad says softly, then retreats back into his room. I feel bad for just a second for ditching him all the time, then remember that is exactly what he did to me and suddenly feel less guilty.

I reach the front door before Ryan does, which amazes the both of us considering I can be pretty slow. I lean in and kiss him quickly and Ryan laughs. "Someone's eager, huh?"

"Eager, nervous, anxious, excited…" I say, naming off a list of feelings.

He smiles, takes my bag, and then kisses me more thoroughly this time, his tongue twisting with mine. Then he pulls back and we set off for his house. He seems to grow slightly nervous also, his palms sweating as we hold hands. I smile, glad to know that I'm not the only one nervous. When we arrive at the house I ask, "What time did the Cohens leave?"

"Early this morning," Is his reply. He looks at me and says, "So…I figured we could eat a romantic dinner on the patio first." I nodded, even though I knew I wouldn't be able to eat from sheer excitement.

I smile and say, "Sounds perfect." I peck his lips quickly, and his face breaks out into a smile. We reach the patio and I see that there's a table already set, a candle placed in the middle. I look at Ryan, and he fidgets with his fingers. I lean in and kiss him softly, letting my lips linger over his for a few moments. "So…what's for dinner?" I ask.

_Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes  
Some things are meant to be  
Take my hand, take my whole life too  
For I cant help falling in love with you_

Ryan pulls out a chair and I sit in it. "Well, I made spaghetti for us to share," She says, going into the pool house for a second, then returning with a bowl of spaghetti. He sets it in the middle, right next to the candle, and sits down in a chair as well. He smiles at me and I stick my fork into the food and try it. To my amazement, it's really, really good.

"I thought you could only make grilled cheese?" I ask, a smirk on my face.

"Well, I decided to learn something new," He replies, eating some of the spaghetti. We both just tease each other as we eat, talking about meaningless things like school, my dad, Summer…everything but what was going to happen that night. We both didn't want to overcomplicate things at the moment, and not talking about it seemed the only way. We even had a Lady and the Tramp moment, neither of us realizing that we were eating the same piece of pasta until our lips were inches apart. That kind of was the moment when the butterflies started to make me lose my appetite because everything became so real.

For dessert we shared a huge banana split. I was full by the end, and in no position to start working out just yet, so I started up conversation until I felt my food had settled. Ryan held my hands as we talked, the moon climbing higher and higher into the sky. I said something about Seth and Ryan laughed, leaning back in his chair, letting my hand go. That's when things changed. He just looked at me, the smile slowly disappearing from his face. In its place was a seriousness that made me turn serious also. "So…" He muttered softly, looking into my eyes. I see a reflection of the flame, a literal fire in his eyes as well as the burning desire also.

"So…" I repeat, not sure how this was going to work. Do we just jump each other, or did Ryan have something planned?

My question was answered when Ryan stood and said, "So I kind of…um…well…just come on…" He gave me a nervous smile and held out his hand which I took and stood up. He laced our fingers together and went to the pool house, opening the doors. This was the first time that I was allowed in all night, and now I saw why. I gasped slightly at the sight before me; candles on every available surface, rose petals all over the bed. I felt my eyes get watery and Ryan asked, "Um…well…tears of joy?" I turned and looked into his eyes, his concerned and anxious eyes, and knew that there was no one else I'd ever want to be with.

"Yeah, tears of joy," I say, laughing a little. He wipes away some of my tears, his fingers lightly touching my cheek sending electricity through my entire body. He leaned in and kissed me every so gently on my lips, making me feel like this was some sort of amazing dream. I didn't want to ever wake up. He pulled back and walked away from me, making me pout in his direction.

He saw my pout and laughed a little, the sound happy yet nervous. "So I was thinking that we should have a song…"

"A song?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

He nodded and said, "Yeah, you know… a song. One that we dance to at our wedding…" He blushed a little, I could see even in the candlelight. "Well, anyways, I was going through that CD that you made me and I found a really good song for us. It makes you feel comfortable, and you said yourself while we were listening to it that you were reminded of me whenever you listen to it…" He pressed play on the CD player and the melody of 'Hallelujah' by Jeff Buckley came on. I smile and he walks back over to me. "Do you want to dance?" He asks quietly, staring lovingly into my eyes with his head angled at me.

I nod and he puts his hands on my hips while I wrap my arms around his neck. We move to the music, the guitar making me feel completely relaxed in his arms. I bury my face into the crook of his neck and let myself get lost in the moment with him, not wanting to worry myself about what is going to come. When the song is over, I pull back and look into Ryan's eyes. He tentatively puts both hands on the side of my face and rubs my cheeks tenderly. Slowly his eyes close, and he leans in, his lips lightly touching mine. His tongue moves over my lips first, then he slowly slips it into my mouth. He kisses me so gently, so slowly, that I melt into his embrace. My legs are jelly, my stomach is in knots, and my heart belongs completely to him. I don't think I could've had a better feeling in the world.

He pulls back after a few minutes, his hands now tangled in my hair. He looks so deeply into my eyes that I feel he's seeing directly into my soul, and he softly asks, "Are you sure this is what you want? We can stop now if you want…" He gives a small laugh and says, "I don't need this…I only need you. And that doesn't have to be a perverted thought either."

I nod and pull my arms from around his neck, moving them to the top button on his shirt. One by one I undo the button, staring into his eyes the whole time. We toss the shirt onto the ground and I pull his wife beater over his head. Then I move his hands to the hem of my shirt and he gets the message, pulling it over my head, letting it join his shirt and wife beater. My heart beats fast as he unbuttons my jeans, his warm fingers lightly touching my stomach at some points. He pulls them down and I step out of them. This leaves me in just my bra and the thong that my mom bought me for my birthday (thank you mom!). I let him unclasp my bra and throw it to the ground, and then I move my hands to the button on his jeans. My eyes still never leave his as I unbutton it, pull down the zipper, and push them down his body, my hand feeling the obvious excitement in the crotch area. Then, I reach for his boxers and pull them down, leaving Ryan completely naked in front of me. He quickly sheds me of my panties, leaving me just as vulnerable as him.

I begin to grow embarrassed, standing here in front of him with literally nothing to protect me. His gaze breaks away from mine and he slowly lets his eyes travel over my body. I let my own eyes examine his perfect body, shocked at how many feelings are evoked inside of me. He takes a step towards me, and then our lips are pressed fiercely together and we're falling onto the bed. Hands are everywhere; touching, tweaking, roaming, caressing. Ryan makes a point of running his hands all over my body, murmuring, "You're too perfect to be with me…" His tongue twisted and played with mine while his hands worked their magic, causing me to moan loudly from all the pleasure he was causing.

Don't get me wrong, Ryan wasn't the only one having fun with his hands. I did quite a bit of teasing myself, especially in the general crotch area. All of my teasing and…er…palming…resulted in Ryan moaning and groaning, kissing me even harder on the mouth, mumbling something about being, "Too damn good at this." Finally, after a lot of foreplay, we were both ready. Ryan grabbed a condom and rolled it on, looking into my eyes the entire time. "No regrets?" He asked softly, kissing the tip of my nose softly. Just like in all of my fantasies, his hair was matted to his head with sweat, his bangs in his eyes, the blue hue of his eyes now darker than ever before. "Because if there are…we can still stop…"

I stop him by kissing him hard on the mouth. After a minute of reassuring him that way, I finally say, "Ryan…just make love to me." His eyes stay locked on mine as he slowly enters me, filling me up. As he slowly, gently, makes love to me, I feel a certain joy that I never did with Steve. He made me realize how empty I was without him inside of me, how he completed me in so many ways. And I will admit, at first, I did have a few flashbacks of those horrible times, but then I continued looking into Ryan's eyes and suddenly everything became the way it was supposed to be. We both came together, Ryan collapsing on the spot next to me, pulling the covers around us. I couldn't have asked for a better first time of making love to someone.

_Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes  
Some things are meant to be  
Take my hand, take my whole life too  
For I cant help falling in love with you  
For I cant help falling in love with you_

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**Reviewer of the Chapter: Ally, once again because she does not pay attention and still does not understand what it is. -rolls eyes playfully-**

**Individual Reviews:**

**Girlz-Rule** - Okay then, nice to meet you, Claudia : ). Twilight is good and all, but I'm not overly obsessed with it like a whole lot of my friends are. It was pretty weird writing this chapter, and I don't think it turned out well…but I don't know.

**ry.and.riss.for.ever** - Bad person you, not reviewing and all! Jk. : )

**newportz-princess** - I don't think there's anything good about the writing…but hey, if you and everyone else likes it, then it's fine by me.

**Juzzy88** - Was this soon enough for you?

**francesfresh007 - **I have to admit, I am very shocked at all the people that are my age. I thought I was the only one.

**Tegan** - hey to you too.

**J7chick18 -** haha, I don't know why I asked, I was just curious. It is very depressing that there are less R/M stories than there used to be. I remember reading the R/M stories was actually what made me overly obsessed with the show, especially after Marissa died.

**Ally **- How do you lose the phone when you're talking on it? lol. I put what it was a second time, especially for you, how did you miss that? Reviewer of the chapter is drawn randomly every chapter. If you get it, it means that you can ask me _**any**_ question about the story, the real people, etc, that you wouldn't otherwise ask. If you don't have a question, then you don't have to ask one.

**elly** - I don't know what you see in my writing, but okay, thank you. Haha, didn't have to wait long, now did you?

**ryanforever** - I have to say...having you read my story means a lot to me...especially considering 'A Girl For Ryan' was the first OC fan fiction I ever read. So thanks.


	25. Wouldn't It Be Nice?

**A/N You guys are awesome! I love all of my reviews. You guys seriously have no idea how much they mean to me. And unless you were in my place, maybe you can't understand my need to be told that I'm actually worth something. No, my depression is not completely gone…and that's part of why I took five days to update instead of one or two. Lately I've just been feeling really angry at everything and everyone, especially myself, and when I'm like that, I can't write fluff…only tragedy. And right now I needed to write fluff. Today my grandma is going to the Cardiologist and that makes me really nervous cause her heart isn't doing really good right now. So I just sat down at the computer and started writing. I hope you like it. The song used is, Wouldn't It Be Nice? by The Beach Boys. And I couldn't help but put the last line in. It gives you guys something to think about. R/R, enjoy!**

I'd have to say that my favorite part of making love to Ryan is actually right afterwards, when we cuddle together. There are no raging hormones, no one to please, just me and Ryan together with all of our problems aside. It's almost like we're in this little world of our own, the rest of the inhabitants on the planet nonexistent. I don't have to worry about reaching expectations from my mom, avoiding Steve, forging an awkward relationship with my dad, pretending to be interested with Summer, or worry about doing the right thing with Ryan. Instead it's Ryan and I staring into each other's eyes, the candles lit, our bodies pressed tightly against each other. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect moment.

Ryan and I lay there under the covers of his bed, his arms snugly placed around my naked body, my head rested on his bare chest. I listen to his heartbeat, calm and steady, and let myself smile largely. One of Ryan's hands runs through my hair tenderly, making me feel completely relaxed and at ease. After about ten minutes of just laying like that, I turn my head so that Ryan can see my face and he smiles lazily at me. "You are…" He murmurs, trailing off. By the way his eyes stare off, I know he's trying to find the right words to convey how he's feeling. He looks back into my eyes and softly says, "You are amazing…do you know that?"

I smile and whisper, "You're not so bad yourself…" He grins, earning himself a kiss. Our lips meet sweetly and then I pull back and murmur, "Actually…you're perfect." I stare deeply into his eyes like he always does to mine, trying to make him feel my love for him. "And I couldn't have asked for a better first time with you." I tuck some of my hair behind my ear, and then lean in and kiss him gently, climbing completely on top of him. We make love once again, and then fall asleep contently in each other's arms.

_Wouldnt it be nice if we were older  
Then we wouldnt have to wait so long  
And wouldnt it be nice to live together  
In the kind of world where we belong_

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I awoke the next morning to the sounds of a shower running. I try to remember where I am and what happened, then slowly the night's events creep into my mind and I smile to myself. I sigh as I look at the empty room, disappointed that I didn't get to wake up in Ryan's arms. Regardless, I get up, pulling the sheet around me, and go to the bathroom. I turn on the faucet and grab the toothbrush Ryan had bought me, then brush my teeth. I spit out, then rinse my mouth. When I'm done with that, I glance at the shower, seeing through the clear shower, getting a peak at naked Ryan through all the steam. I consider going into the shower with him, then shake my head to myself and go back to the bed. I may be ready to make love with Ryan, but I'm not ready for hot shower sex just yet. One step at time.

A few minutes later I hear the water go off, and anxiously await Ryan's arrival. I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep, wanting to see what he'll do. I hear the door open, and then footsteps. The next thing I know, Ryan's in bed, wrapping his arms around me. He kisses my back, then my neck, and then I finally turn around and smile, staring into his eyes. "Good morning," he murmurs, leaning in and kissing me tenderly on the mouth. The butterflies in my stomach return, and I shiver slightly from all the feelings evoked by just that small kiss.

He pulls back and looks into my eyes lovingly. I lean in and peck his lips once again, then kiss his chest and cuddle against him. I sigh happily and close my eyes, getting lost in this moment. After a few minutes I softly say, "I love you." I turn and look into his eyes, those sparkling crystal blue eyes of his, and it amazes me how just one look can effect me. I wonder if this is what you're supposed to live for, this feeling. Are we put through hell so that when we do find love, it makes our life worthwhile? Or are we all just randomly given a stack of cards, and if you play them right, then you get to have this amazingly strong connection with someone?

"I know," He whispers gently, leaning in and letting our noses graze. "And I love you too." His lips against mine are soft and gentle, yet passionate. He climbs on top of me, but supports himself so I don't feel any of his weight, and continues our amazing kiss. "No regrets?" he murmurs, pulling back and staring into my eyes, searching for something that shows I don't want this. How can he seriously think I would regret anything with him?

I shake my head. "No, no regrets," I reply quietly. My hands rake through his hair gently as we stare at each other, and it causes him to grin happily at me. We're both quiet, content with the silence, but then I break it by asking, "So what are we going to do today? I really, really want to go to the beach."

He laughs and rolls his eyes, moving so that he's laying next to me instead of on top of me. I take one of his hands and start to play with it, tracing the lines on his palm. "You are very predictable sometimes," He says through his laughter. He nods, answering my question. "We can go to the beach if you want to."

I smile happily. "I love the beach, and I need to work on my tan."

He shakes his head and says, "No, you don't. You are completely perfect the way you are." I blush slightly, feeling the heat creep to my cheeks, and his eyes sparkle from my obvious embarrassment. He decides to keep going, seeing how uncomfortable he can make me. "Not to mention you are amazing in bed…" Now I can't look at him, I'm so red. I turn and stare at the wall, shrugging slightly. He leans down and places feather light kisses along my collar bone. "And there's also the fact that your body is completely indescribable." He turns my face so that I'm staring into his eyes and whispers, "Then, of course, you're adorable when you blush." His lips press against mine, and suddenly all of my embarrassment vanishes, left with a growing desire.

_You know its gonna make it that much better  
When we can say goodnight and stay together_

I pull back from the kiss, and untangle myself from his arms. Ryan groans frustratedly and I smirk, getting off of the bed, still completely naked. I pick up a shirt of Ryan's and put it over my head, causing an even larger groan. "What?" I ask innocently.

He glares at me and says, "Way to ruin the mood."

I giggle and walk over to him, leaning in and touching my lips against his softly. "I have to get ready for the beach. There's plenty of time for other activities later."

"What if I want the other activities now?" he asks, trying to pull me back to the bed.

I laugh and pull away from his lips. "I guess you'll just have to wait." I wink at him, walking over to my bag. "So, I need to choose a bikini," I say, glancing over at him.

He shrugs and says, "Wear the red one."

I shake my head and say, "I didn't bring it though. So you have to choose from these two." I pull out a yellow one, and then a dark blue one, about the same color as his eyes when he gets very…er…happy. I take off the shirt of his that I'm wearing and his eyes go wide. I try to keep a straight face as I hold one up to my body. "Does this look good?" I ask him innocently.

He nods enthusiastically and huskily says, "Yeah."

I take that one away from my body and he swallows hard at my naked body on display in front of him. I walk a little closer to him and ask, "Or is this one better?" I hold the blue up to my body, and he stares at me for a minute, his eyes scanning my almost naked body.

"Hmm, the blue one, definitely," He says, looking up at my face. I put on the top of the blue one and Ryan pulls me over to his body, sitting me on his lap. I feel just how much he loves my bikini right now. I giggle and he says, "But I think you should take it off now…"

"Oh really?" I ask, a few small giggles escaping my mouth.

He nods and pulls down the straps so that he can see my breasts. He grins, then looks up into my eyes. "Yeah, you won't be needing it, believe me…"

_Wouldnt it be nice if we could wake up  
In the morning when the day is new  
And after having spent the day together  
Hold each other close the whole night through_

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A while later, Ryan and I are walking down the pier, balboa bars in hand. After making love once again in the pool house, we had gone to the beach as planned, then decided to walk on the pier. We both finish our ice cream and throw away the stick. Ryan reaches for my hand and laces our fingers together. I lean my head on his shoulder, smiling to myself at everything this past day. Everything had worked so perfectly that it made me wonder if my bad luck was officially over. Maybe I would get that happy ending I'd been longing for after all.

"Big or small wedding?" I ask Ryan after a long, comfortable silence. I turn and look at him, wanting to judge his reaction. Would he get freaked out and changed the subject? Would he just shrug and ignore me? I know he loves me, and he may have picked 'our song,' but that didn't mean that he was ready just yet to talk about marriage. Just because he gave me a promise ring doesn't mean that he's ready to talk about a set in stone arrangement.

He shrugs and says, "Um…I've never really thought about it." He glances over at me, and must see some kind of disappointment in my eyes because he quickly adds, "Not that I don't want it…" I shrug, pretending like it doesn't care. He sighs and says, "I am a guy, after all. Guys don't plan weddings in their head."

I shrug once again and say, "I get it. I just asked you a simple question, you don't have to defend yourself." I glance at him and give a small smile.

He nods and smiles back. He stops and wraps his arms around me, leaning in rest his forehead against mine. My heart beat starts to increase, and he softly says, "Um, to answer your question….I'd like a small one. But it's completely up to you."

I raise my eyebrows and say, "You do realize that when we do in fact get engaged, you are going to help me plan it, right?"

He nods and murmurs, "I wouldn't have it any other way." His eyes gaze into mine, and suddenly I see it; our wedding. He's on the beach in a tux, and I'm walking down the aisle towards him in a simple yet stunning white dress. His eyes find mine, and the whole world suddenly disappears. He lifts the sides of his mouth into a small smile, meant for only me to see. I reach him, and take his hands, warm and soft, yet rough at the same time. Our eyes stay connected throughout the whole thing. I say something about him being my knight in shining armor, saving me when I didn't think I could possibly be saved. He speaks of how I completed his life and made him feel like he finally belonged, even though he supposedly had so many friends. We are pronounced husband and wife, and Ryan leans in and kisses me, murmuring something about me being Mrs. Atwood.

I come back to the present, on the pier, and see that Ryan's observing me thoughtfully, trying to see what I'm thinking. I nod and smile at him, finally touching my lips against his. After a minute, Ryan pulls back and I say, "I think that we should get married on the beach."

_Happy times together weve been spending  
I wish that every kiss was neverending  
Wouldnt it be nice  
_

He looks off into space, contemplating it in his mind, then smiles and turns to look at me again. "I think that's a good idea."

"I have no idea who all of my bride's maids would be though," I say with a frown.

We start to walk along together again and Ryan says, "Well, we have at least three years to think about it." I raise my eyebrows, amazed that Ryan would consider marrying me at such a young age. It's one thing to talk about it as if it was in the distant future, but actually setting a minimum limit on it is a totally different thing. Would I even want to get married right out of high school? I think about how much I love Ryan and decide that I would, as long as he wanted to. I'd go marry him now if I could, to make sure that nothing could ever come between us. He gets a serious face and says, "But there is one thing that we have to think about that is really, really important."

I look at him worriedly and ask, "What?"

"Our honeymoon," He says, breaking out into a smile. I roll my eyes and laugh. "What? It's a very serious subject," He jokes, defending himself.

"As long as I'm with you, we could be in the middle of the desert and I wouldn't care," I say honestly, not smiling so that he could see the seriousness in my eyes. He stops smiling and stares into my eyes lovingly, stopping us by the railing so that we don't bother people.

He leans in and softly kisses me, his lips showing me just how much he loves me. And without words, he tells me that he'd go anywhere that I want to go, anytime at all, as long as I'm there beside him. His tongue finds his way into my mouth, turning the kiss more passionate, and I wrap my arms around his neck tightly, never wanting to let go. His hands lightly touch my face, his fingertips feel like they're burning my skin. I pull back for air and he murmurs, "I can't wait until then. Until all this talk is for real."

I'm surprised that he'd come out and say that, but smile nonetheless. "I agree," I whisper, pecking his lips quickly.

"Just think about it, spending everyday together. We wouldn't have to worry about your mom and dad…" He smiles as he starts to dream about our life together. "We'd move into our own place, and I'd be an architect. I'd make sure you never have to work a day in your life. We'd have two children, a boy and a girl. We'd be the best parents ever." He looks into my eyes deeply and asks, "How does that sound?"

My heart soars at his words, at this wonderful life we could have together. "It sounds magical," I say softly. He nods. He kisses my lips, then my cheeks, forehead, my neck. I think of an assignment that we had to do when I was in the second grade. We were supposed to ask five people what word described us, and then make a poster or something out of it. My words had been cute, funny, adorable, loving, and cool. I wonder what Ryan would say about me. "Ryan?"

_Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true  
Baby then there wouldnt be a single thing we couldnt do  
We could be married  
And then wed be happy  
_

"Hmm?" He murmurs into my neck, his hot breath sending shivers throughout my body.

"If you could use only one word to describe me, what would it be?" I ask quietly, curious yet nervous. What if he uses a totally cliché word? Or something that isn't serious? What if he thinks this is completely stupid?

He pulls back from my neck and looks out at the water behind me. He sighs and I see that he's thinking heavily. "I could say that you were beautiful," He starts, and I feel disappointed. "But that would be an understatement." He still looks out into the water and I smile, happy that he didn't use that. "I could say that you're adorable…" I frown again. "But that wouldn't suffice." I grin. "I could say that you're difficult, because you can be…" I roll my eyes. "But that again, wouldn't be good enough." He looks at me and smiles, his eyes shining with amusement. "If I had to choose one word in the whole world to describe you, it would be…mine."

Out of all the words in the entire universe he could've chosen, I don't think there could be a better fit.

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_Wouldnt it be nice_

After we make love that night, we lay together, our limbs all tangled together. We stared into each other's eyes for the longest time, not speaking, not even moving for the most part. In Ryan's eyes I find love in the purest form possible. He looked at me as if I was the reason for his existence, as if I was the most important person in the entire universe. His eyes told me so many things; that he loved me, that he couldn't believe I was actually here with him, that he wouldn't rather be anywhere else. As we stared into each other's eyes, our souls were speaking to each other. Everything was out there in the open, every ounce of love being transferred through one unbreakable gaze.

We turn on the TV after about a half our of just staring at each other, and I cuddle up with Ryan, both of us naked, but neither of us that embarrassed. I used his chest as my pillow and I watched as some guy came onto the screen wearing sunglasses. It sparked a sudden question and I asked, "Hey Ryan…why don't you wear sunglasses?"

"Because my mom would wear sunglasses when she was trying to hide how she really felt, and I don't want to be like her and hide my feelings to you," he said quietly. I turn and face him.

"I think you'd look sexy with sunglasses though," I say, trying to make him smile. He doesn't, and I quickly say, "I'm sorry…if it's a sore subject with you…"

He shakes his head and says, "It's fine. I just don't like sunglasses. The day you see me wearing them is the day that I lose hope in the world. That's what my mom did."

"I don't want that to ever happen," I say, barely audible.

He nods and says, "Neither do I."

I lean in and peck his lips lightly, then say, "Then it won't. Promise?"

He nods and says, "As long as you're with me, I won't lose my hope in the world. But without you…" He looks away from me and bitterly says, "Well, then, I have no reason to be here."

Of all his surprising comments, this one has to be the worst. It stings my heart to know that he would just give up if I wasn't there. But in the same situation, I have to wonder, would I give up too? Yes. "Don't speak that way."

"I can't help it," He states frustratedly.

"Hey.." I say, putting my hand on the side of his face. He looks into my eyes and I say, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?" He asks.

I nod and say, "Yeah, I promise." At the time, I was completely sure.

You know what they say though…promises are meant to be broken.

_You know it seems the more we talk about it  
It only makes it worse to live without it  
But lets talk about it  
Wouldnt it be nice_

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**I don't feel like doing a certain reviewer of the chapter, so anyone can ask me anything this time.**

**Individual replies:**

**Juzzy88** - I'm glad you liked it.

**Nichole** - Thank you about my sister, and it is funny how we share that name. Spelled the same way too. And I'm glad that you thought chapter 24 was perfect.

**girlz-rule **- How can you not have read Twilight? Your sister hasn't pressured you to read it? So the weirdness of writing was paid off? Cool.

**tegan **- Why thank you.

**francesfresh007** - I'm sure you're a good writer. And the author - AKA me - is in fact 14, and very happy that you think they're an incredible author.

**newportz-princess **- hehe, G, you caught that line! Yeah, the difference between me and her though is that my grandma gave me the thong (crazy woman), and I have not had sex…so there you go.

**J7chick18** - I am glad you caught that. I don't think I could've made it more obvious for everyone, lol. Glad you commented on that.

**sailaway **- I see that you are very thankful, lol. I needed Seth to get out of the house, so he magically made friends. And I can assure you that you don't need to worry about Hallelujah being their wedding song because it's not a big deal. And I love it when you give me your long reviews, so you don't have to worry about that. I will tell you that Ryan's career for the Army (yes, US Army specifically) will be slightly different from the real guys', but it will have the overall same ending. For example, the real guy was in the Navy, but I just wanted it to be the Army. He will be in camp for a while, then he will be stationed elsewhere…out of country. Who knows where? Oh wait, I do! You'll just have to see how it all plays out.

**najeda** - I am very glad you liked it.

**elly** - I guess we'll have to see.

**ry.and.riss.for.ever **- Hehe, I love how you guys keep saying it's perfect. Really makes me more confident.

**myRyRy** - Why thank you, I happen to enjoy some of your stories too.


	26. Don't Let Me Down

**A/N You guys amuse me. Don't worry about the future when you have the present right here for you to read, happy and all. Whatever may happen is going to happen whether you worry about it or not. So my advice is to enjoy your fluff…you never know when it might disappear. Song used is "Don't Let Me Down" By the Beatles. I don't know if it fits, I just randomly found a song on my Ipod to use. Thanks for the reviews, R/R, and enjoy!**

The next day I awake to the feeling of someone's lips against my neck. I try to pretend like I'm still asleep, but I can't help but smile as Ryan's hands run down my back, then up my arm, and finally make their way to my breasts. "I know you're awake," He murmurs against my neck, massaging my breast with his hands. I try not to moan, but slowly open my eyes. He starts to suck on my neck, and suddenly I can't stifle the moans anymore. I feel his smile against my neck and he huskily asks, "So do you like this?"

His hands are driving me crazy, and his lips are even more seductive. "It's a very good way to be woken up…" I manage to get out, trying to stop moaning. I turn and look into his eyes, dark with desire. He smiles and leans in to kiss my nose lightly, and then I softly say, "You're too good at this." He laughs and I glare at him. "That wasn't meant to be funny."

He takes his hand away from my breast and puts it to the side of my face, cupping my cheek tenderly. "I can't help it, you're just too adorable." He smiles, his eyes sparkling happily despite his obvious desire, and he leans his face close to mine. "And very, very sexy…" Finally, our lips touch and the feeling makes me go crazy. I get very dizzy as he kisses me, still not able to believe that this is my life…that this is my boyfriend and I'm in his bed…naked.

"You're not too bad yourself," I murmur, pulling away from him. I look into his eyes and smile, feeling my own eyes sparkle. "But we don't have time for that right now."

He groans and asks, "Why not?" He pretends like he's upset, but I see through the act. As long as he's with me, he doesn't really care what we're doing, even though he'd really like to make love right about now.

"Because I may have promised my dad yesterday that I could call him today so that we could all have breakfast together," I say, getting up out of bed. Ryan watches me lazily, a smile on his face, even though I can tell he doesn't really want to go to breakfast with my dad. I see the time on the clock beside his bed and finish by saying, "And it's nine thirty now. I think it's a good time for breakfast."

I put on one of Ryan's wife beaters and walk to the bathroom. Ryan puts on a pair of boxers and follows me, wrapping his arms around me as I brush my teeth. I figure he'd already brushed his. He kisses my neck and asks, "Where are we going to breakfast?"

I shrug. "I don't know…probably the diner, unless my dad has some other place in mind. He hasn't been in Newport all that long and I doubt he remembers much other than the diner from before…" I have a problem stating the rest. Ryan must notice because his arms slightly tighten around me and he kisses my neck tenderly. "Well, you know." The words come out so quiet that I can barely hear myself. As I spit out and rinse my mouth, I feel that familiar pain that I get whenever I think of how my dad just left.

Ryan turns me in his arms and puts his hands on the side of my face, making me look into his eyes. He leans in and kisses me long and slow, so tenderly that my knees go weak. Once again, Ryan makes me feel worth something. When he pulls back, he looks into my eyes for a long time, trying to read me. "Are you okay?" he asks quietly.

_**Don't let me down  
Hey, don't let me down  
Don't let me down  
Don't let me down**_

I shrug and say, "Define okay."

Ryan kisses my forehead and asks, "Do you want to talk about it? I happen to be a very good listener." He smiles slightly at me, trying to make me feel better.

I don't feel like making myself feel upset, so I try to change the subject. "And you happen to be a very good kisser too…" I lean in and press my lips against his gently. It takes him two seconds and probably a lot of willpower to pull away from me and shake his head. When I try to kiss him again, he puts a finger on my lips, causing me to sigh.

"Look, I know that you don't want to talk too much, but sometimes you need to," he says firmly, yet softly. I look away from him and sigh, then return my eyes to him and shrug.

"What do you want me to do? Start crying?" I ask my tone cold. "Because that's where talking will lead to."

He shakes his head and gently says, "I would never want you to cry, but I do want you to talk." He kisses the tip of my nose and murmurs, "Let me in. I want to know what you're thinking, what you're feeling. I can't help if you don't talk." He stares at me, pulling down all my walls with that one look.

"It's just…" I start, but then close my mouth and refuse to go on.

"It's just what?" He asks, wrapping his arms around me tightly.

I sigh and look into his eyes. "It's just…everyone leaves. And it started with my dad. The two people that I love most leave."

He looks at me questioningly and asks, "Who's the second person?"

I sigh. This was the part that I really didn't want to talk about. The part that I've been hiding from Ryan and even myself sometimes. "You."

"Me?" He asks, looking just as confused as ever. "Why me, I'm not leaving…"

I nod and say, "Yes, you are. Whether either of us likes to say it or think it, you are leaving, and that means things between us are going to change."

_**Nobody ever loved me like she does  
Oo she does, yes she does  
And if somebody loved  
me like she do me  
Oo she do me, you she does**_

He shakes his head, a serious and slightly upset look on his face. "No, I'm not leaving you…not like he did. I'm going to come back. And things aren't going to change at all. I won't let them."

"Ryan, you're going to the Army. And from everything I know about you, you're going to request to fight where there's a war. Which means that even if you don't get killed, you're going to be around death. How do you think that's going to affect you?" I say my voice strong and serious. "And what about me? I'll be home for a long time, trying to live without you? You don't think that's going to affect us?"

He sighs and takes his arms from around me and runs a hand through his hair frustratedly. "It won't change if we don't let it," he says through gritted teeth.

"Do you really believe that? That you can just snap your fingers, close your eyes, and your Army career will go by? Things change, people leave, and things happen…" I say sadly.

"Where is all of this coming from?" He asked, looking at me intently. "Where are all of these doubts coming from?"

"I'm not doubting us," I say softly. I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his neck. "I have no doubt that we'll get through this, I'm just saying that it will be hard. That's why thinking about what happened with my dad hurts so much, because I know that whether we want it to or not, it's going to change some things between us."

He's quiet, and then he lets out a deep breath through is nose. He looks at me and wraps his arms around me once again. "Oh," Is all he says.

"I don't want you to think that I don't believe in us…in you…because I do," I say quietly, avoiding his eyes. "This is all I believe in sometimes."

"As long as you're here waiting for me, things will be okay," he says, his voice strong yet so tiny at the same time. "I won't let anything happen to us. And you promised, remember?"

I nod and say, "I know, I just think it's time that we stop pretending like things are going to stay the same….that you're not leaving in a couple of months." I look into his eyes now, staring deep down into them, and say, "We've slept together now, Ryan. And doing that means we have that more to lose, that we're only that much closer. You mean everything to me, and you leaving for a year, probably longer, is going to be hard."

He sighs and says, "You should call your dad." Something in his eyes change and I decide not to push it.

"Yeah, I should," I say quietly, walking towards my cell phone, hoping that Ryan isn't mad.

_**Don't let me down  
Hey, don't let me down  
Don't let me down  
Don't let me down**_

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We go to eat at the diner with my dad. Ryan doesn't talk to me much on the way there, and when we get there, he sits next to me, but doesn't look in my direction much. It makes me feel horrible because his eyes are usually always on me…if his lips aren't anyways. I try to take Ryan's hand and hold it under the table, but he pulls his hands away and rests them around his drink. That hurts more than everything else because even when Ryan and I weren't dating, even when I was afraid of letting myself love him, we always held hands. It was one of the few things in my life that I enjoyed before Ryan and I became a couple.

My dad doesn't seem to notice the tension between Ryan and me, too thrilled with the fact that we're all eating together. He shoves some food into his mouth and then looks at me and asks, "So, how has your weekend been?" He raises his eyebrows, having that look that only a concerned father can get.

I try to keep a smile off of my face and say, "Oh, it's been good."

Ryan doesn't do anything, like I figured he would when I said that. He just nods quietly and my dad asks, "What did you guys…do?" He says the last word as if it physically hurt. Did he honestly think I'd say out loud we'd been 'doing' each other?

I shrug and look at Ryan. He doesn't look back. "Um, we did the usual; went to the beach, watched TV…"

"That's it?" My dad asked, looking slightly more comfortable. "That's all you did?"

I nod and say, "Yeah, dad. What's up with all the questions?"

He shrugs and says, "You have a hickie."

I turn red and I feel Ryan tense up beside me. I put my hand to my neck and say, "That's not a hickie, dad…that's a burn from where I…straightened my hair…"

He raised his eyebrows. Ryan finally decides to join the conversation and says, "I don't suck necks, sir." I try not to roll my eyes at his smirk. I turn and look at him, glaring at him for ignoring me for so long. With my eyes I say, _what the hell is going on with you?_

And he responds, _nothing, stop worrying._ He smiles at my dad and my dad raises his eyebrows, narrowing his eyes at Ryan. "Whatever you say. I'm onto you two."

_**I'm in love for the first time  
Don't you know it's gonna last  
It's a love that lasts forever  
It's a love that had no past**_

I roll my eyes at my dad now and ask, "Paranoid much, dad? Come on, I'm fifteen. Do you really think I'd go sleeping around and let people suck my neck?"

He turns his penetrating gaze to me and stares at me for a second. I raise my eyebrows annoyedly at him and he sighs, his face softening. "Fine, I'll believe you for now. But don't think I'll listen to it next time. My advice to you is to get some new material."

I shake my head and say, "There's no need, right Ryan?" His name drips with poison and bitterness so much that both him and even my dad.

He glances at me quickly, asking what's wrong with one look, but now I ignore him. "Right," he says after a while, very quietly.

My dad looks between me and Ryan and asks, "Is everything alright?"

I glare at Ryan and ask, "I don't know, Ryan is everything alright?"

Ryan nods and looks at me, so confused that it makes me even angrier and says, "Of course, why wouldn't it be?"

I shrug and say, "I don't know. That's why I asked you."

He raised an eyebrow and said, "Well, everything is just fine. We've had a great weekend…at the beach." He adds the last part when my dad tenses across from us. "And we watched the Valley episode that we didn't get to watch on Thursday night together. We've had a lot of fun doing all of that…"

I shrug and say, "Yeah, I guess."

He looks at me and asks, "You didn't have fun?"

I shrug once again and say, "I never said that."

"What's wrong?" He asks quietly, so only I can hear him.

I don't look at him and bitterly say, "I don't know, why don't you tell me?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," He says, feigning confusion.

I turn and stare at him angrily. "Well then maybe you should figure that out."

"Stop being difficult," He says his voice strong and firm. He narrows his eyes, searching my eyes for some kind of answer.

"Then you stop ignoring me," I say softly, turning away from him to hide the hurt in my eyes. He tries to talk again, but I quickly ask my dad, "So what have you been up to this weekend?"

As I talk to my dad, I ignore Ryan, just like he had done to me. I know it's not the right thing to do, and I know it won't help anything, but I am stubborn and not always smart. When we're done eating, my dad pays for it all, Ryan protesting every step of the way. Afterwards, when we're about to leave, Ryan pulls me aside and asks, "Do you want to go with me to pick up the Cohens? I know they'd love to see you." He gives a small smile.

_**Don't let me down  
Hey, don't let me down  
Don't let me down  
Don't let me down**_

I shake my head and say, "Sorry, but I think I should spend the rest of the day with my dad."

He sighs and looks into my eyes sadly. "Are you still upset about earlier?" I shrug and look away from him. He puts a hand on the side of my face and makes me look into his eyes, so I glare at him. "Marissa, I love you, you know that right?" He asks softly. I sigh and he angrily states, "You're doubting me again."

I glare at him extra angrily now and say, "No, Ryan, I am not doubting you. I know you love me, and I know that I love you, and I know that you can be stubborn and so can I, but I also know that I don't like to be ignored." I sigh and take a step away from him. "So you go get the Cohens, I'll go with my dad, and we'll talk later or something." With that, I sigh and walk away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**And from the first time that  
she really done me  
Oo she done me, she done me good  
I guess nobody ever really done me  
Oo she done me, she done me good**_

Apparently my mom isn't as lenient with the hickie as my dad was. "You, my fifteen year old daughter, have a hickie?!"

I sigh and say, "No, it is a burn."

"Don't be sarcastic with me!"

"Um, I'm kind of not being sarcastic," I say with a roll of my eyes, which I now realize wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do.

"And now you're giving me attitude!" She yells, waving her hands in the air.

I shake my head and say, "No, I am not giving an attitude."

"Don't talk back to me!" She yells. She comes really close, and that's when I smell it. The liquor.

"Mom…have you been drinking?" I ask quietly, looking at her intently. My mom isn't one to drink, unless it's a little champagne at a charity event. I've never seen her drink hard liquor before.

She shakes her head and says, "Don't you dare change the subject on me."

"You have, haven't you?" I ask softly. Why would my mom need to drink? She supposedly has everything; Steve, a house, a daughter.

She sighs and says, "I'm grounding you--

"What?!" I practically yell. What's up with that?

"Yes, no cell phone, no ipod, computer…and no Ryan!"

Now she's really starting to piss me off. "Mom, I didn't do anything!"

"I am the mother, do not talk back to me!" She says angrily. "Give me your phone!"

I hand her my phone, handing her my only ticket to Ryan in the process.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**Don't let me down  
Hey, don't let me down  
Don't let me down  
Don't let me down**_

Even though I was pretty upset with Ryan, I still missed him like crazy. After spending nights laying naked in his arms, listening to his even breathing or steady heartbeat, it was no surprise that sleeping alone in my big bed wasn't as satisfying as it used to be. Every time I close my eyes, he's there, staring at me with a smile on his face, leaning down to kiss me. I think of the previous day, and slowly, I start to play out my time with him once again.

_He's closing the pool house door, and I go to sit on the edge of the bed, waiting for him. The second he sees me, he starts to smile, walking over to me quickly. He kneels down in front of me so that we're the same height, and he leans in, pushing his lips against mine. I smile happily into the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Mmmm…" I murmur softly. _

_He pulls back and looks into my eyes, his full of love, but surprisingly not desire. "I love you," he whispers quietly._

"_I love you too," I reply, and he stands, pulling me up with him. I raise my eyebrows and ask, "What are you doing?"_

"_So you remember how we were talking about our wedding earlier?" He asks softly, pulling me to the pool house doors. I raise my eyebrows as I nod, and he smiles. "I was thinking that we should do a practice…for afterwards…"_

"_You want to practice for our honeymoon?" I ask, giggling the slightest bit._

_He nods and picks me up, holding me. I scream slightly in surprise and he laughs. "Yes, you know, as I carry you to the bed. You always see in those movies that they mess up and end up dropping the girl, so I figured we could practice…"  
_

_I giggle and kiss him softly as he holds me by the pool house doors. He takes me to the bed and lays me gently on it, resting on the spot next to me. He smiles and I say, "I think that was a pretty good test run."_

_He nods and says, "I completely agree." I start to laugh._

"_Hey, you know what else we can practice?" I ask, still laughing, but now pulling him on top of me._

_His eyebrows raise and he asks, "What would that be? You seducing me?"  
_

_I shake my head and say, "That doesn't take much…" He opens his mouth in mock hurt and I laugh. I lean in to kiss him, letting my hands trail down to the bottom of his shirt. "You know it's true…"_

_  
He pulls away and laughs a little. "I can't help it. You're just too sexy already…"  
_

_I laugh and roll my eyes. "Anyways, so I was thinking we could practice this…" I run my hands up his shirt and pull it over his head, then start to unbutton his pants—_

_**I'm in love for the first time  
Don't you know it's gonna last  
It's a love that lasts forever  
It's a love that had no past**_

I'm interrupted from my dream/memory to the sound of something hitting my window. I frown and lay there a second before hearing it again. It's not something big, I can tell that, but I don't know what's happening, so I get up and walk to the window. I look out and see that someone's throwing rocks at it, and then I look further and see that it's Ryan throwing rocks. I roll my eyes and open my window, thankful that they don't have window alarms. "What the hell are you doing?" I hiss at Ryan, trying to keep my voice down.

"I need to talk to you!" He calls, careful to keep his voice just loud enough for me to hear him.

I look at the clock by my bed and say, "Ryan, it's three in the morning!"

He nods and says, "I can't sleep."

I roll my eyes, feeling my anger at him come back. "So you thought you'd come and wake me up so I can share the feeling?"

He shakes his head and says, "I need to talk to you. It's important…"

"My mom and everyone else are asleep," I remind him.

He nods and says, "Meet me out front. I'll be quick, I promise." He gives me a smile, and looks just too adorable standing out there, rocks in hand, the moon shining in his hair.

I sigh and think about it. "Fine, five minutes, that's it."

His smile widens and he nods. I walk away from the window and downstairs, careful to be quiet so I don't wake anyone. When I get outside, I wrap my arms around myself, cold from the night and my flimsy pajamas. "What?" I hiss, walking over to him.

He comes over to me, wrapping his arms around me, seeing that I'm cold. I don't want to, but I lean into his embrace. He's too strong and smells too good for me to resist. He smiles down at me and says, "I knew you wouldn't stay angry for long."

"I am mad, you just are very comfortable," I admit sheepishly.

He grins and says, "I'll have to sue that to my advantage then." He sighs and then asks, "Why aren't you returning my calls?"

_**Don't let me down  
Hey, don't let me down  
Don't let me down  
Don't let me down  
Hey hey ah  
Don't let me down**_

"I'm grounded," I say sullenly.

"Grounded?"

"My mom was drunk," I say with a shrug.

"Drunk?" He asks confusedly.

I nod and say, "Yeah, I was just as surprised." I give an involuntary yawn.

"I'm sorry to wake you…I just needed to talk to you…to see you…" He trails off and then tightens his arms around me. "To explain why I was acting so rude during breakfast."

That sparks my interest and I ask, "What was wrong?"

He sighs and says, "It just finally hit me what going to the Army will do to us. You were right…things are going to change."

I shake my head and say, "No, they don't have to. We just won't let them.."

He shakes his head and softly says, "Yeah, they are." I look into his eyes and see a pain there that makes me ache inside. "I'm leaving you, whether either of use likes to admit it."

I tense in his arms. "You're going to come back," I say firmly.

He nods and whispers, "As long as you're here for me. If you're not…what's the point?" I gasp and he quickly adds, "But you'll be here, so we don't have to worry." I nod. "But still, things are going to change. So we should prepare for them…"

"How?" I ask quietly.

He shrugs and says, "Just live in the now. No matter what happens tomorrow, we still have today."

I nod, leaning my head onto his chest. I have to wonder though, what if something happens? And then suddenly I remember a conversation that I had with someone I particularly despise.

"_Fine…it's over…everything," Steve says._

"_Good," I say, a wide smile on my face. "I knew you'd follow the rules."_

_Just as I started leaving though, he says, "But mark my words…lover boy over there is going to leave and there will be nowhere to run. I'll stick around until that day comes."_

I shiver at the words and hold Ryan tighter, wondering what this could mean.

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**Reviewer of the Chapter: 3 captain oats**

**Individual responses:**

**3 captain oats** : I think you may be onto something…

**Juzzy88** : I guess you'll just have to wait and see.

**J7chick18** : Haha, your review made me laugh.

**newportz-princess** : G, I think you had a little too much coffee, lol.

**najeda** : Maybe there will be, or maybe there won't be trouble in paradise.

**Girlz-Rule** : Well you know what? I'm going to start pressuring you to read it now. Yep, that's right. So go and start reading. NOW!! I like foreshadowing. It's very easy to do, and very fun to watch everyone squirm.

**sailaway** : I want to write a book, but I want to be an Oncologist. I want to know that I saved someone, and that's the only way I can be sure. I chose Cancer because it's always been a fascination of mine. Um, I honestly don't think I'm a great writer. I really don't know what you guys see in this story. And you have guessed right. Ryan is going to be seeing some action, and not just in the bedroom.

**BlueDepths** : Of course I remember you. If you don't mind, could you just email me? My private messaging is being very slow, as is my alerts with my reviews. I think it would be easier just to email…if you don't mind.

**Ally** : haha, you finally have your question. I won't come out and say it, but I will tell you that the person that Marissa is based off of is my grandma (with the heart problems). The age difference is about a year. My grandma had three children by the age of nineteen; a newborn, a three year old, and a four year old. You do the math and see if you can answer your own question.

**ry.and.riss.for.ever **: You don't think I'd just come out and say that something bad is going to happen do you?


	27. LOVE

**A/N Thank you for your reviews. I'm hoping to make it to 300 reviews by the next time I post. I don't think I'll post the rest of this week cause I'm going to be busy. This Saturday I will go see Rooney again for the second time. So much fun! I can't wait. The song used is 'L-O-V-E' by Nat King Cole. Hope you guys enjoy this one, though it's not really all that important. Well, it kind of is for two reasons. Anyways, R/R, and enjoy!**

The next couple of weeks pass in a flurry of confusion and passionate moments. My mom made me stay grounded, even though she didn't really remember what for. She continued to drink too, always knocking down another glass of either Vodka or hardcore liquor. Steve would drink occasionally too, always staring at the TV like he was a robot. I figured whatever was going on between them was the cause of my mom's drinking, so I left out of it. Who knew, maybe if things kept progressing, they would break up and I'd never have to worry about him again. A girl can hope right?

Conversations with my mom were awkward to say the least though, and I had to put a lot of effort into not getting angry and lashing out. My mom happened to be a very angry and bitter drunk, something that wasn't easy to deal with. She would start calling me all sorts of names, and I'd just nod and take the verbal blows, waiting for a chance to escape. Steve usually provided that chance for me when he'd enter the room and she'd start to yell at him instead. I guess in that way me and Steve understood each other.

Things with Ryan were wonderfully amazing. He was always so tender with me, treating me like a piece of glass that was fragile and easy to be broken or the most precious jewel in the universe. His kisses were fiery yet soft, and when we made love, which was often, it was gentle and yet so passionate. Ryan's hands always knew just how to caress me and hold me to make me feel the burning desire, yet the overwhelming love. When we made love, it wasn't just about getting into each other's pants, but about showing the other just how much we cared. I couldn't think of something that could mean more to me.

We did have our problems though, especially with Taylor Townsend. Ever since that one day when she talked to me in the hallway, she followed me a lot, trying to get me to talk to her about mine and Ryan's relationship. I don't know where her fascination came from because I knew that if I ever broke up with Ryan and he dated someone else, I wouldn't want to know about their relationship. But Taylor was a completely different kind of person than me. While I like think I'm normal, Taylor is completely crazy, and not in a good way. She practically stalked me wherever I went.

The day I went to school after my first weekend making love to Ryan, Taylor tracked me down in the hallway and pulled me aside, her eyes shining brightly with some kind of feeling that I couldn't understand. "Oh my God!" She shouted, but when I glared at her, she put a hand over her mouth and laughed annoyingly.

"Taylor, what do you want?" I asked tiredly. You have to remember that my boyfriend didn't exactly let me sleep the night before due to his rock throwing and talking. And maybe afterwards there was a small make out session in the backseat of his car, but nothing more than that. All clothes remained on.

She smiled and said, "You and Ryan totally did it, didn't you?" I opened my mouth to say something, but she quickly added, "And don't deny it because there's this kind of glow around you two that everyone can totally see. It's the talk around school. We all knew that you guys would do it sooner or later!"

What the hell was she talking about when she said talked about people knowing? The stalker club of America? "I think that's mine and Ryan's business only," I said, rolling my eyes and yawning. "I really have to go to class now--"

"Oh my God!" She squealed, clapping her hands excitedly. "I knew it!"

"Taylor, settle down. It's early and I'm tired!" I practically shouted at her. She was beginning to get on my nerves.

"Oh, late night huh?" She asked, winking an eye at me. I rolled my eyes and walked away, leaving a goofy looking stalker behind me.

On Wednesday of that week I found Ryan looking at Taylor disgustedly as she put a hand on his shoulder and whispered something into his ear. I have to say that just the sight of it made a small twinge of jealousy sting me, but then when I saw Ryan look at me and the way his eyes brightened up, I immediately forgot about it. Because the truth was that he was my Ryan, not Taylor's or any other random girl. I saw him turn and say, "Taylor, I have to go."

"But we were talking!" She said, smiling and lightly touching Ryan's bicep. I glared at no one in particular and she sexily said, "You don't want to make me upset, now Ryan do you?"

He sighed and said, "Taylor, I really have to go. Marissa is waiting for me." He didn't glance over at me, but I could see how much he wanted to.

"But you and Marissa have different classes and we have the same, so why would she be waiting for you?" Taylor asked, rolling her eyes at Ryan. "You guys need to think practically."

Now I was really pissed off. Ryan sighed and said, "Taylor, I am leaving. Goodbye, talk to you some other time." He rolled his eyes, turned, and quickly made his way to me. I raised my eyebrows at him and he shook his head and defeatedly said, "Don't ask."

I giggled slightly and he smiled, leaning in to kiss me softly on the lips. "What if I want to know?" I asked lightly, looping my arm through his and dragging him with me.

He sighed and said, "She wanted to know how far me and you had gone."

"Weird, considering she kept pressing me about it on Monday," I said, looking at him with a troubled expression. "Why is she so obsessed with us?"

"I don't know. She wasn't happy when we broke up," He said, shrugging his shoulders.

_L is for the way you look at me  
O is for the only one I see  
V is very, very extraordinary  
E is even more than anyone that you adore can_

"Why did you guys break up?" I asked curiously. I wondered what would've happened if they had stayed together. Would Ryan and I have ever gotten together? And would Steve still be raping me?

He shrugged and looked over at me. "It didn't feel right."

"How do you know it feels right?" I ask him quietly, looking into his ocean blue eyes. He smiles at me and stops, leaning me up against my locker.

"You know it feels right when you have the connection that we have," He says quietly, leaning in to kiss me. "Can you honestly say that you don't know what it feels when it just fits together?"

"I know what it feels like, I just wanted to hear what he had to say about it," I said honestly, smiling at him sweetly. He rolled his eyes and I giggled a little, just so happy that I had to show a way to express myself.

"We need to get to class," he said sadly. I got my books out of my locker and nodded, looking over at him. I leaned in closer to him, smelling that wonderful scent of his, and smiled to myself.

"I'll see you after class?" I asked quietly, even though I knew I would. It just still amazed me that he wanted me and I loved to hear him say it.

"Of course," He replied, kissing me once again. "Love you."

I grinned. "Love you too."

Now, a week and a half later, it was getting close to senior prom. Ryan didn't talk about it like most other seniors did, so I didn't really think about it. It was actually Taylor, again, who bothered me with the idea. "So, prom," She says, walking up to me on my way to my locker before lunch. I sigh and glance over at her.

"What about it?" I ask, trying to be polite, but failing drastically.

_Love is all that I can give to you  
Love is more than just a game for two  
Two in love can make it  
Take my heart and please dont break it  
Love was made for me and you_

"Has Ryan talked about it at all?" She asked, raising her eyebrows. She stared at me for a long time, waiting for a response, but I was just so intimidated by her at that moment, I couldn't form any words. She was literally scaring me.

"Um…no…" I say, reaching my locker. I open it, placing my books and stuff in it, wishing that Taylor would just leave me alone already.

"Is he going?" She asks curiously, playing with a piece of her hair.

"How am I supposed to know if we haven't talked about it?" I ask, looking at her with an annoyed gaze.

"That's true I guess," She says with a shrug. "I just thought that he would've brought it up."

"Why would he?" I ask, not finding it a big deal. He can go if he wants to, it's fine by me, but if he's not going to bring it up on his own, why would I?

"Because it's supposed to be like one of the biggest moments in your entire life," She says as if it's the most obvious thing in the whole world.

"Well, Ryan's never been big on the teenage sentiments and stuff," I say with a shrug, still not getting what Taylor was aiming at.

"Well do you think that he would even take you if he went?" She asks, and I suddenly know this is what she's been hinting at the whole time. "Or do you think he'd go with someone…older?" She looks at me, now very, very happy and interested.

"I don't know," I say honestly. Ryan loves me and I love him, but would he want to take me and enjoy that moment with me when it's meant to be enjoyed with all the seniors only? Would I even be allowed to go?

Just then Ryan comes behind me and wraps his arms around me, kissing my neck lightly. He sees Taylor and sighs, I feel it against my neck, and it tickles slightly. "Taylor."

"Ryan," She says happily, her tone suddenly changing. I roll my eyes and get slightly angry. Ryan obviously feels it because his arms tighten around me and he kisses my neck three more times before looking at Taylor again.

"What's up?" He asks, his voice slightly annoyed, just like mine. That alone makes me smile and feel better.

"Oh, nothing. Me and Marissa were just talking about girl stuff, right Marissa?" She asks, glancing over at me quickly before looking at Ryan again. She doesn't seem to get that Ryan is preoccupied with filling my neck with kisses and not really listening to her. I try not to giggle as he touches my tickle spot.

"Right…" I say sarcastically.

"Anyways, I'll leave you two alone now."

"Bye Taylor," Ryan says happily, then turns me around and kisses me long and slow, showing off in front of Taylor that he's not even remotely interested in her. When she's gone, he continues to kiss me so tenderly that I lose my breath. I pull away and he smiles at me, tucking some of my hair behind my ear and letting his fingers linger on my face. "How was your morning?" He asks, wrapping an arm around my waist and leading me to the cafeteria to get some food.

I shrug and say, "It was fine before your ex-girlfriend started pestering me."

He sighs and says, "I'm sorry about that…about her. She's a little stalkerish, I know."

I giggle slightly and say, "A little? How about a lot? She's been bothering me all week…and last week, and a little bit the week before too about sleeping with you. Now she's just bothering me about random stuff. Can that woman ever stop talking?"

He laughs and says, "No, I don't think she gets that you can close your mouth every once in a while. I remember when we were dating, she talked about ninety percent of the time and I talked the other ten percent. She never did keep her mouth closed."

I giggle and we get our food, then sit down across from Summer. She looks up and nods at us, then asks, "So, what's up you two?"

"Taylor is stalking us…" I start.

"..again…" Ryan finishes. I smile and Summer laughs.

"Wow, you two are fun to be around," She says. "What's Taylor bugging you guys about now?"

"She wants to know about prom," I say, finally stating what Taylor had been bothering me about.

"Prom?" Ryan asks, glancing over at me curiously. He seems slightly shocked about this.

I nod and say, "Yes, prom."

"What about prom?" Summer asks, leaning he elbows on the table and waiting for an answer to her question. I seemed to have sparked some people's attention, so I try to seem interested in the topic.

"She wanted to know if Ryan was going," I say with a shrug, acting like it's no big deal. But I really want to know what his thoughts are on the subject. "And I told her that we he hadn't talked about it."

Summer turns and raises her eyebrows at Ryan. "You haven't talked about prom?"

Ryan looks at Summer, then me and says, "I haven't really thought about it lately…"

"Atwood, you guys need to talk about these things!" Summer says with a roll of her eyes. "You're senior, you go to prom."

"But I'm not a senior," I point out.

"That doesn't matter though!" Summer says exasperatedly. I swear that woman cares more about prom than me and Ryan put together.

Ryan looks over at me and raises his eyebrows. "Prom, huh?" He asks, a slight smile on his face.

"Yeah," I say quietly. Does he not want to take me? Now that I think about it, it would make sense for him to want to go. He is leaving all these people behind.

_L is for the way you look at me  
O is for the only one I see  
V is very, very extraordinary  
E is even more than anyone that you adore can_

"Do you want to go?" He asks softly, his face no longer holding a smile. His blue eyes are concerned, for what reason I don't know. He just asked me, a freshman to prom, why should he be worried unless he doesn't want to go?

"Really?" I ask, smiling slightly.

His smile is relieved and happy. "Yeah, I'd love for you to go to prom with me. I can't think of anyone else I'd want to go with."

My smile widens and I lean in to kiss him hard on the mouth. He kisses back, both of us getting lost in the moment before we hear Summer clear her throat. "There are people trying to eat!"

I pull back and smile at her sheepishly. "Sorry."

She shrugs and smiles herself. "He did just ask you to prom, so I guess I can understand today. At least it isn't one of those random kisses."

Ryan laughs and rolls his eyes at Summer. I look at him and quietly, so Summer can't hear, ask, "Are you sure you want to go? We don't have to…"

He shakes his head and quietly says, "As long as you're there, I'll be fine."

I grin happily to myself and finish my lunch, even though I'm way too excited about going to prom with Ryan.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

That night I have dinner with the Cohens. Ryan and I hold hands under the table and Seth rambles on and on about random things that I can't even keep up with. Sandy and Kirsten attempt at least to listen to their son, but roll their eyes. Kirsten turns to me and Ryan and asks, "So what's new with you two? Anything interesting happen lately?"

Ryan looks at me and smiles, then looks at Kirsten and says, "Me and Marissa are going to go to prom together."

Sandy, Kirsten, and Seth all look at us with shocked faces. "Really?" Seth asks. "You guys are going to prom together?" He looks at his parents with raised eyebrows. I begin to get a little worried. Why are they acting this way? Did they not think much of me and Ryan? Or did they not want him to go to prom with me for some reason? It didn't make sense.

"Yeah, really," Ryan said, squeezing my hand slightly. He looked worriedly at them, a little angry. "Why? Do you not think that we should go together?"

Alarm rings on Kirsten's face and she quickly says, "No! That's not what it is. It's just…" She looks over at Sandy for help.

Sandy laughs and says, "I'm sorry, Ryan, but we just never saw you as the prom kind of guy."

I laugh and Ryan glares at everyone. "Do you not think I'm capable enough to handle prom?"

Seth butts in now and says, "Come on man? A tux, lots of people and dancing?" He laughs and Ryan glares even worse now.

"Come on, it's true," I say, laughing next to him. He turns and attempts to give me an angry look, but his face softens when he sees me smiling and he sighs.

"It's completely okay though," Kirsten adds through laughter.

"Yeah, not everyone can pull off the brooding look as well as you can," Seth says, attempting to brood, but failing. I laugh even harder and rest my head on Ryan's shoulder.

He immediately softens and relaxes. "Maybe you're right…" He admits with a small smile.

We continue to tease Ryan about prom throughout dinner, and then Ryan and I go to the pool house to be alone together, against Seth's protests. I go to Ryan's bed and sit on the edge as he closes it and locks it, both of us knowing what Seth or someone might walk in on us doing. Then Ryan turns to me and smiles. "So…you excited about prom?" He asks softly, coming to sit next to me.

I nod and say, "But there's a lot for me to do. I need to find a dress."

He smiles and kisses my cheek softly, wrapping his arms around me. "You'll look beautiful, no matter what," He murmurs into my ear, hypnotizing me with that deep voice of his.

"I doubt it, but okay," I say, turning my face and smiling at him. "Thank you."

"For what?" He asks, not understanding me.

"For wanting to take me to prom. It means a lot to me," I say honestly.

He nods and says, "Like I said…there's no one else I'd rather take."

I smile and lay down, pulling him on top of me. "You know what?" I ask, my eyes sparkling happily. He smiles down at me, supporting his weight.

"What?" he asks, playing along with me.

"You are about to get really, really lucky," I say, pulling him down to kiss me. He returns the kiss happy, sliding his tongue over my lips.

"Is that so?" He mumbles. I part my lips and let his tongue make its way into my mouth. We make love once again, neither noticing how as prom nears, so does him leaving.

_Love is all that I can give to you  
Love is more than just a game for two  
Two in love can make it  
Take my heart and please don't break it  
Love was made for me and you  
Love was made for me and you  
Love was made for me and you_

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**Reviewer of the Chapter: elly**

**Individual Replies:**

**elly: **I will include Ryan returning from training camp. IF he returns home from the actual war, then I will include that, but I'm not promising you anything.

**Juzzy88 : **I guess you'll have to see who the father is.

**3 captain oats **: yes, you got to ask a question. I will say that the last chapter of the story has a stone in it. What kind of stone, you'll have to find out.

**Sailaway - **That's the shortest review you've given in a while. I'm curious, what makes you almost sure that Ryan won't die? I'm not saying you're right or wrong, I just want to know. The word "here" when Ryan uses it doesn't literally mean 'here' but rather emotionally 'here' for him. Like I could say that I'm there for you, but I wouldn't literally be there for you because you're elsewhere. And I'm going to tell you that I learned something about the real person the other day that really made me surprised. So you'll have to see what happens.

**Girlz-Rule **: You'll have to deal with it though. GO READ THE BOOK!! Hey, I got my mom to read it. Seeing people squirm is very fun, lol.

**Najeda **- Yes, the Steve Monster is still there. Who knows what he'll do?

**Ally **- It's kind of hard not to notice when someone is pregnant or has a baby….so I'm guessing Ryan will find out. But then he'll be shipped off to the real war and what will happen then when he thinks the love of his life moved on?

**Francesfresh007** - I guess you'll have to wait and see…

**Nichole** - Hey there to you too. Why thank you. Did you read it over after all? The yellow ribbon story has nothing to do with this one.

**J7chick18** - Steve never left.

**Newport-princess - **Haha, that's not nice, G.


	28. Hooked on a Feeling

**A/N Song used is "Hooked On A Feeling" by B.J. Thomas. I'm sorry for not posting in so long, but in my defense, you guys didn't review like you were supposed to, and I've had a rough week. And this is the one time that I won't tell you what happened, so don't ask. It's something I'm going to keep to myself. But know that I'm okay, my family is okay, everything is okay for right now. Anyways, it occurred to me last night that this thing is never going to end if I don't write at least twice a week, so you guys need to review quickly, please. When I start school again on August 25, I won't be on much to write, so if I don't finish two weeks before that (going on vacation that last week before), then you guys will most likely be waiting a very, very long time for the ending. And for future reference, there are 15 chapters, maybe less left of the story. I'm not going to lie, things are going to get rough. Please continue to read. Thank you for the reviews, even though there weren't as many as there used to be, and review, review, review!**

The weeks until prom go by pretty quickly, a lot faster than anyone wanted to actually. Ryan got a job for some reason working at the crab shack so I would go watch him work and usually serve as quite the distraction. I didn't mean to, honest, but he'd always glance over at me and I'd wink at him. Or I'd make a big mess and have him clean it up for me so that I could watch him flex those wonderful muscles of his as he wiped the rag over the table. It's his fault, really, because he is the one that looks so good. I'm just doing what any other girlfriend would do, right?

One day I walked in and sat down at a booth. Ryan smiled and walked over to me, a plate of food and coke in his hand. I raised my eyebrows and asked, "How did you know?" I smiled nonetheless, accepting the food gratefully.

"You order the same thing every single day. It's a surprise you keep your figure," He says shrugging and smiling at me too, his eyes twinkling happily.

"Well, I have my own work out…" I say, batting my eyelashes sexily at him. "See, I like to hook up with this cute bus boy at this restaurant…"

"Really?" He asks, playing along with it. He pretends to ponder it in his mind and asks, "Anyone I would know?"

I shrug and say, "Oh, I don't know…"

"Well, this cute bus boy…is he any good?" He asks, trying to play it cool. I can tell that it means a lot to him what I say, so I decide to tease him a little bit more. I shrug and pretend to be bored.

"I don't know…he's okay I guess…" I look at him and he pouts a little. I wink and he grins widely. "And by okay I mean completely amazing," I add quietly, making his eyes twinkle once again. He leans in and plants a delicate kiss on my lips, making me feel warm and bubbly inside.

"Just how amazing?" He asks, pulling back and looking into my eyes. They're still teasing, but there's also slightly darker from seriousness. I pull him closer to me and kiss him long and slow, even though he should be working, letting my tongue slide over his lips seductively. He puts a hand on the side of my face, and I feel the happiness in his kiss, that warmth that he gets whenever he's around me.

I pull back slightly, leaving him wanting more and quietly say, "So amazing that you can't describe it." I smile at him softly, and his bangs fall into his eyes adorably. I run a hand through them and ask, "How much longer until you get off of work?"

He shrugs and says, "About forty five minutes. Are you going to wait for me? We could go do something afterwards…." He smiles and pecks my lips quickly. "Maybe I could show up that cute bus boy?" He suggests with a raise of his eyebrows and a smug smirk.

"I don't know, the bus boy was just amazing…" My eyes sparkle and I shrug. "But I guess I could give you a try." I put my hand on the back of his head and pull his lips to fuse together with mine again, letting the world melt away. His breath falls against my face and it makes my heart beat rapidly and my stomach flutter.

_I can't stop this feelin' deep inside of me  
Girl, you just don't realize what you do to me  
When ya hold me in your arms so tight  
You let me know everything's all right_

"I won't disappoint," he murmurs against my lips. We hear someone yelling that Ryan wasn't getting paid to make out on the job, and Ryan pulls back with a groan. His face gets an adorable little pout on it and I giggle a little. "Looks like work is calling," He says, standing up straight again and smiling at me slightly. He winks and says, "Can't wait for tonight."

I grin and say, "Me either."

About two hours later we're both in his bed the pool house breathless, naked, and sweaty. I stare up at the ceiling, trying to control my breathing, finding it kind of embarrassing that he wore me out so much. He turns to his side and runs one of his hands up and down my arm, smirking at the goose bumps that quickly form. He leans down and kisses my neck and asks, "Am I better than the cute bus boy?" He looks into my eyes, his blue ones dark yet sparkling teasingly. He leans down and kisses my nose, my cheeks, my forehead, and then finally, my lips.

I happily accept the kiss and murmur, "Much, much better than the bus boy…"

I feel him smile and he climbed on top of me. "Of course I was, did you ever doubt me?" He deepens the kiss, sliding his tongue into my mouth. I moan in response, and he pulls back, searching into my eyes. "I love you," He murmurs, for the first time since we've entered the pool house.

I smile and wrap my arms around him. "Good, because I just so happen to love you too."

The rest of the weeks leading up to prom disappear quickly, most of the time me trying to find a good dress. While I've always dreamt of prom, I never actually dreamt of going so soon. Finding a dress was a lot harder than I thought too. Not to mention that telling my mom about prom provided to be kind of awkward and totally annoying. I needed money, and she was the only one that could really get Steve to provide that for me. So walking up to her and telling her that Ryan had invited me to prom actually resulted in her throwing a bottle of tequila at me and telling me that the world was fucked up and I was going to learn that someday. But then she handed over the credit card and all was well.

My mom's episodes had been getting worse and worse. A couple of time she'd actually come close to hitting me with the liquor bottle. No, the prom incident wasn't the first time that happened. I even talked to Steve about it once. This is how that conversation went:

I walk up to Steve and ask, "What's up with mom? Are you driving her crazy or something? Did you rape her too?"

He rolls his eyes and says, "Please, little girl, your mom is an easy lay…even if not a good one." He raises his eyes suggestively at me and says, "Not like you were. Do you miss me?"

I roll my eyes and say, "No, Steve, I do not miss you."

_I-I-I, I'm hooked on a feelin'  
High on believin' that you're in love with me_

"Not even a little?" He asks standing and giving me that look he gets right before he attacks me. I feel my heart beat a little quicker from fear and take a step back. He just stretches and walks over to the TV, turning it off. "And to answer your question about your mom, she's just being a little bitch." He sighs in disgust.

"Why don't you just leave her?" I ask, raising my eyebrows and putting my hands on my hips. Just the thought of him being gone for good makes me feel happier.

He smirks at me and looks me up and down, undressing me with his eyes. I cross my arms over my chest, feeling uncomfortable and dirty. "Because even though your mother is a bitch…" His lips sneer at me. "There are some…benefits…of being with her." He stares at my body again, licking his lips slightly. I turn and walk away as quickly as I can, not wanting to be undressed in minds anymore.

Anyways, finally, it's the night of prom. Ryan and I planned that he'd come and pick me up in the Cohen car, neither of us really wanting to go in a limo. So I got ready, my stomach flip flopping and my hands jittery from nervousness. I did my hair, loose curls framing my face, and put on a light dose of makeup. Ryan always tells me that I don't need to wear much. My dress is cream colored, strapless, and reaches down to my knees. I didn't want to go all out and get this ridiculously elegant dress that had tons of details, so I settled on my simple one. Ryan happened to love that and made that obvious when he came to pick me up.

He gave me my corsage, and leaned in to kiss me tenderly. I smiled into the kiss and pulled back. "You look beautiful," he said shyly, looking me in the eyes with an expression of love and endearment. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me again, more slowly this time, running his tongue over my lips, and then slipping it into my mouth slowly. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him close to me, holding him and his heart captive. He lifts his hands up to the side of my face and rubs my cheeks with his thumb tenderly, lovingly. I hear someone clear their throat and turn to find a very pissed off looking Steve standing there. "Steve," Ryan says tensely, nodding his head in greeting.

"Ryan," Steve says, the word dripping venom. I look between the two and turn so that I'm standing next to Ryan, holding his arm protectively, possibly my subconscious telling me to hold him back. "I thought you were supposed to go to prom, not make out with my stepdaughter in the middle of my foyer."

_Lips are sweet as candy, the taste stays on my mind  
Girl, you keep me thirsty for another cup of wine  
I got it bad for you, girl but I don't need a cure  
I'll just stay addicted and hope I can endure_

Ryan sucks in breath through his nostrils slowly, trying not to lose his cool. "Almost stepdaughter," He says his voice deadly and low.

"We were just leaving," I tell Steve, glaring at him. He smirks at my obvious discomfort, and then drag my very tense boyfriend away from the man that has raped me. I lace our fingers together and when we get outside, I turn to him and softly ask, "You still want to kill him, don't you?"

He sighs and looks away from me, not wanting to meet my gaze in fear that I'll see the anger radiating from his crystal blue eyes. He nods and quietly says, "He hurt you, and I can't forget that…ever."

"Ryan, look at me," I say, putting my hand on the side of his face. He looks into my eyes reluctantly and immediately we get lost in each other's thoughts. I see that he's angry at Steve, but I also see a familiar emotion, one I've seen ever since the whole deal about lying about the army; anger towards himself. I furrow my eyebrows together and softly ask, "Why are you so angry at yourself?" He sees that looking into my eyes gives himself away, so he diverts his eyes again. "Ryan, please talk to me," I plead quietly. "I want to know what you're thinking, and why you're thinking it."

He shrugs and says, "I didn't protect you. He did it while we were friends, and I didn't help you at all…" He sighs in disgust at himself. "And he went on hurting you…and I didn't protect you." He shakes his head and exhales.

I lean in and kiss him, then quietly say, "You didn't know."

"But I should've!" He says, looking at me in the eyes. "I should've known, I should've done something." The pain in his eyes is old and raw, almost tearing me in two. How could he have kept this from me?

"Why didn't you tell me you felt this way?" I ask softly, holding him close to me. He buries his head into my neck and I stroke his back soothingly, trying to comfort him in some way. "We could've talked about this, we should've talked about this."

"I know, but things between us were so good…I didn't want to bring up the subject again," he said quietly. I pull back and kiss his cheek, then his lips quickly. "I mean, you did better when we didn't talk about Steve and what he did to you…I just figured that if I bottled it up inside, it would go away…" He trails off with a sigh, then shrugs and finished by saying, "But every time I see him, I remember that look in your eyes when you told me what he did to you, when you were pleading with me not to go after him. I just can't forget that."

I let him talk, soaking in his words quietly. When he's done speaking, I put both hands on the side of his face so that he looks straight into my eyes. I want him to see my soul as I speak, and I want to see his too. "I love you, Ryan Atwood, but you don't have to be my knight in shining armor." He tries to protest, but I cut him off. "And maybe you feel like you need to, but you've already saved me in so many ways."

"How have I saved you?" He asks incredulously.

I laugh a laugh devoid of all humor and ask, "How haven't you saved me?" He looks at me questioningly and I say, "Ryan…you've been there for me since day one. I wanted so much to disappear before I met you. Whenever Steve would…you know…" His eyes flash angrily. "Whenever it happened, I imagined that I was just part of the air, that I was nothing, a nobody, so that I could just be numb. But then I met you…" I tilt my head without realizing it, just like he does whenever he stares into my eyes and blocks out the world. "And suddenly…I didn't want to disappear anymore." I take a step closer to him, leaving no space at all between us, and quietly murmur, "Falling in love with you saved me."

He's quiet, so quiet that I think he doesn't believe me, but then he softly asks, "How can falling in love save somebody from what he did to you?"

I roll my eyes and smile softly. "Because I have you to look forward to in life. I love my cute little bus boy," I say, giggling a little.

He sighs and smiles slightly. "Can't keep things serious now can you?"

"It is prom night after all," I say, pecking his lips quickly. "Come on, let's go before all of your senior friends, Seth included, start spreading rumors about us getting down and dirty before making an appearance."

He laughs and nods, and I see in his eyes that he's no longer blaming himself, at least for the time being. I decide to spend the night celebrating the victory.

_All the good love when we're all alone  
Keep it up, girl, yeah ya turn me on_

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_I-I-I, I'm hooked on a feelin'  
High on believin' that you're in love with me_

When we get there, Seth finds us and smirks. "What took you two so long?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. "Celebrating before the party perhaps?"

"Mind your own business, Seth," Ryan warned with one of his looks.

Seth just smirked, even more amused. "You are my brother, and I feel that your business is my business, just as mine is yours. We're supposed to share what happens in personal lives." Ryan glares at Seth and he says, "Okay, shutting up now."

I laugh and hug Ryan's arm, kissing his cheek. Ryan smiles and turns to me, his eyes sparkling happily. He seems completely happy and content, a lot better than he'd just been after seeing Steve. "Come on, let's go dance," He says, pulling me towards the area where a bunch of people are dancing together. I wave by to Seth and he just rolls his eyes at us, but smiles and nods. "So will you do me a favor?" Ryan asks, wrapping his arms around me as we start to dance. He looks serious now, so I look at him curiously.

"Yeah, anything," I say softly, kissing his cheek. I look into his eyes, trying to read them, but I can't for some reason. I just see a reserved look, something that he never gives me. Maybe he's just too afraid of me reading him all the time, or maybe he just wants to tell me himself. Either way, I wait eagerly for the favor.

"Will you watch after Seth and the Cohens when I leave?" he asks, shrugging a little. "I mean…go eat dinner with them and stuff every once in a while. They'll already be losing me, but I don't want them to lose you too." He says the last part softly, his words lighter than air.

"Except that you're not leaving for good, right?" I ask, my voice holding all my insecurities. Whenever he talks about leaving, I just get this dark feeling deep inside of me that things aren't going to turn out the way either of us wants them to. That maybe there isn't a happy ending to our story after all.

He nods and says, "Of course not. I'll come back…" He looks into my eyes and gives me a small, lopsided smile. "I wouldn't be able to just leave you. I tell you, as long as you're here for me, I won't let anything happen." He kisses my lips delicately, his lips barely touching mine. "It's just…while I'm gone; I want to make sure the Cohens aren't missing me and you. There's not need for that."

I nod and say, "Of course I'll check on the Cohens every once in a while. They're like my parents, how could I not?" He smiles and kisses me happily,

"Thank you," he mumbles, and then pulls away, his eyes twinkling from both the lights overhead and happiness. "It means a lot to me."

"You mean a lot to me," I reply with a large smile. I rest my head in the crook of his neck and close my eyes, smelling his manly scent and cologne mixing together. Of course my happiness had to come to an end by none other than Taylor Townsend.

"Hello everyone, attention up here on me please!" She exclaimed excitedly with a microphone on a stage thing. Everyone turned to her, considering she's the most popular girl in school and she smiled happily. "Okay, good. Now in my hands I have prom king and queen, elected by you guys. So let's get started with this now shall we?"

She started to open the fist envelope and I looked at Ryan with a smirk. "How much do you want to bet that you're prom king?"

He groaned and said, "I don't want to be prom king. Cause we all know that Taylor probably made everyone vote for her and she's the queen…"

I frowned and said, "That's true."

Then I hear Taylor, almost as if she was listening to our quiet conversation say, "And I'm prom queen, Oh My God! Thank you!" She squealed away from the microphone and put on the tiara, causing me to roll my eyes.

"Told you," Ryan said, sighing and groaning again.

"And my king is…." She opens the envelope and grins widely. "Ryan Atwood! Come up here Ryan!" She looks in the crowd for him, finally spotting us. She smirks at me and then smiles at Ryan.

_All the good love when we're all alone  
Keep it up, girl, yeah ya turn me on_

"I will be back," Ryan says, leaning in and kissing me long and slow, causing a lot of people to say ooh and some even whistle. He pulls back and grins at me, then walks up to the stage to stand next to Taylor.

"Anything you want to say, Ryan?" Taylor asks, handing him the microphone.

He shrugs, grabs it and says, "I will be leaving in a couple of weeks, two days after graduation for training camp in Texas." He looks at me and must see the sheer shock on my face because he softly adds, "And I love my girlfriend, Marissa." He hands the microphone back to Taylor and she has her eyes wide open in shock too, surprised just as much as I am about the training camp. Ryan had never brought it up to me, never said he was leaving so soon.

My boyfriend was leaving me in two weeks for Texas. This could just not be happening.

Everyone turned and looked at me, then at Ryan. Taylor got over the shock and said, "Well it looks like our prom king this year isn't just a king, but a hero too." Everyone clapped, and Ryan and Taylor had their dance together on the stage, then he quickly came over to me.

"Hiding things from me again?" I ask, my eyes accusing. I cross my arms over my chest, my only defense that I can use against him.

"I was going to tell you, and I figured that was a good way to..." He said quietly, taking a step towards me.

I take a step back and sardonically say, "Right, because it hurts a whole lot less when I learn in front of the whole school."

"You've known that I was going to leave when school is over for a long time," He pointed out, taking another step towards me. I try to back away again, but he's quicker and puts his arms around me, pulling my arms away from my chest.

"That doesn't make it any easier. I should've known before you publicly tell the whole school," I say, my tone bitter and cold. "Did you tell Seth and the Cohens at least?" The guilty look in his eyes makes me glare at him. "You should've at least told you family, Ryan!"

"You are my family too," He whispers quietly.

This makes me soften a little bit, and I say, "I want to leave."

"Are you sure?" He asks, looking into my eyes. "You don't want to stay here?"

I shake my head, look away from him and say, "No, we need to be alone right now." He nods and takes my hand, lacing our fingers together, and we go to find Seth. Seth seems just as upset as I do, and he shares a knowing look with me.

"So you were going to keep it a secret for how long?" Seth asks his with his voice icy and his jaw set angrily. "Until the day before you left? I would think you'd at least tell Marissa."

Ryan sighs and says, "I don't have the time for a lecture, Seth."

"You're right, because you're leaving in two weeks," Seth says, storming away. Me and Ryan look around to see a bunch of people staring at the exchange, whispering behind their hands. Ryan glares at all of them, and then leads me out of the place.

We get to the car, and Ryan asks, "Are you going to refuse to talk to me the rest of the night?"

"I would, but you're leaving in two weeks so I don't want to waste any time," I say honestly. Ryan tries to hide a smile and I say, "But I'm still very mad at you right now."

He nods and opens the car door for me, then gets in on his side. We drive to the beach, parking in the sand in an area that it's allowed, the back of the Range Rover facing the ocean. Ryan opens the back and sets the seats down for some reason. I sit in the back, not wanting to get in the sand with my dress on, and let my legs hang over the edge. I feel Ryan come up behind me and wrap his arms around me, fitting me between his legs. I lean back against him slightly, and he smells my hair. "I don't want you to leave," I say quietly after a long silence. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do without you."

He sighs and gently says, "You've known about me leaving for a while now though, what makes a difference now that there's an exact date?"

"Because now that there's an exact date, it's official," I say, turning a little. I lean my head in his chest, and he cradles me like a baby against him. I cry a little and he rocks me back and forth. "I don't want you to go, please, please don't leave me."

"Shh, don't cry," He murmurs in my ear. "I hate it when you cry…"

"I can't help it, you're leaving…" I sob into his chest, soaking through his shirt. He holds me tighter and I cry, "How am I supposed to live without you?"

"You just keep on living the same way…"

"But you're my whole life," I point out, still sobbing against his chest.

"Hey…" He murmurs, lifting my face up to look into his eyes. I comply and he says, "I'm only going to be gone until December. Then I get a two week leave before they send me off to Iraq…" He kisses the tip of my nose, even though it's red and says, "It will go by fast. Seth will keep you company, provide your life entertainment, you know how he is…" I laugh a little and he says, "And I'll send you letters everyday, I promise. Everything's going to be okay." The look in his eyes is set and determined, making me feel crazy for doubting him. I shrug and he leans in to kiss me softly on the lips, trying to kiss away the pain.

Soon I find myself kissing back, tears still falling down my face, but not as rapidly as before. I wrap my arms around his neck and continue the kiss, finding that I'm kissing him deeper, needing to get as close to him as possible. "You're hurt, I don't want to take advantage of you…" Ryan mumbles against my lips.

I take off his jacket and say, "I'm taking advantage of your body, not the other way around…" He doesn't look sure, so I say, "Besides, it's not like we haven't done it before. We've done it a lot actually."

"But still," He hesitantly says.

"Ryan…you're leaving, and I just need you close to me in every way right now," I admit quietly, looking through the darkness into his eyes. "Please."

Maybe he hears the desperation in my voice, or maybe he just really wants to do it to, but I can tell he's starting to give in. "In the back of the Range Rover?" He asks, looking around at his surroundings.

"I'm sure that Seth called the Cohens who will give you hell when you get home…and they'll ask questions if we rent a hotel room," I say, unbuttoning his shirt. I lean down and kiss his neck, then trail my lips down to his chest. He tries to stifle a moan and I take his shirt off of him completely, leaving his wife beater the only thing keeping me from the rest of his chest and stomach. I slowly pull that over his head and throw it somewhere else in the car, then trail my lips down his body teasingly, yet tenderly. He moans again, and I let my tongue meet his warm skin.

The rest of our clothes seem to disappear, and then he's inside of me and I can't think straight anymore. The only sane thought in my mind is that when Ryan's inside of me, I stop feeling empty, and it makes me wonder how I'm going to go until December without him. If he leaves, a part of me leaves too…how can I deal with that? Afterwards, Ryan finds some towels under the seats and we wrap our naked bodies up in them, not wanting to ruin our night by putting on our clothes and leaving. We lay there for hours, not speaking, just holding each other, each somehow knowing that even though we want it to, in two weeks things were going to drastically change.

_I-I-I, I'm hooked on a feelin'  
I'm high on believin' that you're in love with me_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Reviewer of the Chapter: J7chick18

Individual replies:

Ally – You'll just have to see.

girlz-rule – I think you're older than me. What day is your birthday…including year and everything?

newportz-princess - Haha, maybe you're right, G.

sailaway – Haha, sorry, the first paragraph wasn't mean to be a tease, but it's not going to happen. I put the car sex in just for you, so you should be happy. I hope I did okay. The story is going to skip ahead a lot, months go by in single chapters. It's going to end when Marissa is seventeen. That's how old she'll be in the last chapter, and that's after skipping years. The real story has been bothering me a lot lately, if I'm honest. My grandma has been telling me about it a little more, and it bothers me.

elly - Marissa is not currently pregnant, but she will become pregnant in about two months (I'm making it June in the story), and Ryan is leaving in two weeks in the story…so you do the math.

J7chick18 – Haha, that's sadly not going to happen.

Nichole – I don't know if it went smoothly, you tell me.


	29. Things We Said Today

**A/N Song used is 'Things We Said Today' by the Beatles. This post isn't long, but I didn't have much time and couldn't find anything else that fit into the post. I'm going to try to update as quickly as possible, but there is a new addition to my soap opera of a life. Apparently there's this guy jumping my cousins' fence when their mom and dad leave (they're both older than me), and he could be a child molester, we're not sure cause they don't get a good enough look of him. Anyways, so my grandma (who I stay with during the day) decided that they'd come and stay with us during the day starting this Wednesday. This means I have to actually make an appearance and not stay on the computer all day. So that means my writing time is being ripped away. You'd think there's someone out there that doesn't want me to finish this story due to all the obstacles right? Anyways, I'm going to try to write as often as possible and hopefully we'll get this situation done with. R/R, and enjoy!**

After we got dressed, Ryan put up the seat and I got into the passenger side. Ryan came around and started the car, then looked at me nervously. I raised an eyebrow at him and he sighed. "I don't want to burden you…" I now raise both eyebrows at him and he finishes. "I was wondering if maybe you could come with me to go talk to the Cohens. You know, for moral support. You don't have to say anything, this is my problem…" He trails off, and then shrugs. "I just think it would be easier if you're there beside me."

I nod and say, "Of course I'll come with you to talk to the Cohens. Who knows, maybe they'll be a little easier on you if I'm there."

He looks straight ahead, but doesn't say anything. "Yeah, maybe," he said, but I could hear the fear in his voice. He was actually afraid of the Cohens. I didn't think that was possible.

"And even if they are mad, I'm still here," I say taking one of his hands and lacing our fingers together.

"Promise?" he asks, glancing at me, and then starting to drive.

I nod and smile. "Promise."

Just like I'd predicted, Seth had called the Cohens and told them about Ryan's announcement. And just like I'd predicted, they were not happy. In fact, they were so royally pissed that they even scared me. Sandy was the worst, just like when he first found out about Ryan enlisting in the first place. The minute we walked through the front door, we were bombarded by the two. Sandy had one hand on his face, wiping his mouth, and another on his hip. "You have a lot of explaining to do," he said, his voice low and deadly. He looked at me and said, "And you..."

_You say you will love me_

_If I have to go_

_You'll be thinking of me_

_Somehow I will know_

_Someday when I'm lonely_

_Wishing you weren't so far away_

_Then I will remember_

_Things we said today_

Ryan stepped in front of me, shielding me from his wrath. "Don't you dare bring Marissa into this," He said, his voice strong, his eyes narrowed at Sandy. "She has nothing to do with this. She didn't know."

Sandy looked at me, then nodded, and I nodded back, a silent apology. Then he looks back at Ryan and his eyes grow angry once again. "When were you planning to tell us? I think that we...even Marissa, deserved to know." He shook his head in disapproval and Ryan tensed a little bit, obviously effected by Sandy's feelings. I put a hand on his shoulder and kissed the back of his neck softly, trying to give him some support like he wanted me to.

"I was going to tell you at graduation," Ryan said softly. "After everything, I just wanted everyone to enjoy these last few weeks without being sad that I'm leaving." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, messing it up. I tried not to notice, knowing that if I did, I would be craving his touch on my bare body.

"Then why tell the whole school?" Kirsten asked, her voice tired and motherly. "Why not wait to tell them too?"

He shrugged and said, "It just slipped out. You have to know that it wasn't planned. I would never hurt you intentionally..." He reached behind him and felt for me. I gladly gave my hand and he pulled me around to the front of him, wrapping his arms around me as I faced the Cohens. "Any of you," He murmurs into my ear.

I lean back in his embrace, letting my eyes drift shut contently. I feel Sandy's eyes on me and Ryan, and imagine that he's raising those large eyebrows of his. "And you two?"

"What about us?" Ryan asks, kissing the top of my head lightly. I feel my lips curl up into a smile and let out a small, happy sigh.

"You two are going to stay together?" Sandy asks. Then he rethinks what he said and aims the next question at me. "So you're going to wait for him...even if he's going to be gone for months at a time?" He pauses and I feel Ryan tense a little behind me. "And when he gets back, he'll only have a little while until he goes to Iraq or wherever they're shipping him for how long, Ryan?"

"A year," Ryan says, his voice only slightly controlled.

_You say you'll be mine, girl_

_Till the end of time_

_These days such a kind girl_

_Seems so hard to find_

_Someday when we're dreaming_

_Deep in love, not a lot to say_

_Then we will remember_

_Things we said today_

I open my eyes and look at Sandy, trying to see if he's trying to tell me that he thinks it's best for me to break up with Ryan. Not that I would. I don't see anything there other than curiosity and worry for his adoptive son. He's just looking out for Ryan, and the way he's doing that is seeing if I'm going to break his heart. I open my mouth and start to speak, not really sure until the words come to my lips what I'm going to say. "I love Ryan, and he loves me. I can wait days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries if I have to..." I feel Ryan's arms tighten around me protectively and smile. "But I'll always love him, and I know he'll still love me...so yes, I'm going to wait for him because he's everything to me, and I can't let go of him."

Ryan kisses my neck, then my shoulder, then my cheek, and then finally the top of my head. "I love you," he murmurs into my ear, sending a certain warmth throughout my body. It's kind of like when you drink hot chocolate by the fireplace when it's cold outside, except that this feeling doesn't go away.

Kirsten smiles and wipes at her eyes, so I'm guessing she was touched by my little speech. Sandy just nods, accepting my answer, but trying not to be a 'softy' as some would say. "So you're leaving two days after graduation?" Sandy asks, the topic going back to Ryan's departure.

Ryan sighs and nods. "Yes, two days after graduation. Exactly two weeks from today."

"And you're going to be gone until when?" Kirsten asks, her voice now sad.

"Sometimes in December, probably before Christmas but not by much," Ryan says, and I tense a little. What would I do without Ryan at Christmas time? And what about our anniversary? Would he even be here still by then?

_Me, I'm just the lucky kind_

_Love to hear you say that love is luck_

_And though we may be blind_

_Love is here to stay and that's enough_

"When are you going to be shipped off for the real thing?" Sandy asks, his voice serious, his eyes clouded so we can't read them.

Ryan shrugs, I feel it against me, and then he says, "I don't know the exact date yet, they'll tell me before I leave camp and come home."

I sigh a little and pretend to yawn. Kirsten notices, Sandy doesn't, too absorbed in trying to find out the facts. She nods towards me and Ryan and says, "You guys are probably tired...you should go to the pool house..." Sandy turns and raises his eyebrows at her, showing humor for the first time that night. She turns back to us and says, "But don't do anything."

I nod and pretend to yawn again. "Okay, thanks. I don't think my mom or anyone would appreciate me arriving home right now anyways. They enjoy their sleep." I try not to smile, my master plan was working. Sandy and Kirsten nod at us, tell us goodnight, and then me and Ryan are walking to the pool house, hand in hand.

When we get in there, Ryan doesn't bother turning on the light. He takes off his clothes, leaving on his boxer and wife beater. He hands me a shirt of his to wear, and I change into that right in front of him, but it's too dark for him to notice. I lay down and then feel him get into bed and wrap his arms around me. "Good night," He says, kissing my cheek softly.

I turn in his arms and lean in to kiss him. "Who said anything about sleeping?" I ask with a grin, wrapping my arms around him.

"Um, weren't you tired?" He asks, and I feel the smirk on his face.

_To make you mine, girl_

_Be the only one_

_Love me all the time, girl_

_We'll go on and on_

_Someday when we're dreaming_

_Deep in love, not a lot to say_

_Then we will remember_

_Things we said today_

"It was an excuse..." I admit with a large grin on my face. I kiss him again, this time more passionate. "There's something about a man who stands up to his parents that makes me want to do this..." I slide my hand down to his boxers, and smirk at the growing bulge in them. "Someone's happy."

"Happy is an understatement," He mumbles, his lips pressing harder into mine. We make love, both trying to forget that he's leaving in just a mere two weeks.

_Me, I'm just the lucky kind_

_Love to hear you say that love is luck_

_Though we may be blind_

_Love is here to stay and that's enough_

_To make you mine, girl_

_Be the only one_

_Love me all the time, girl_

_We'll go on and on_

_Someday when we're dreaming_

_Deep in love, not a lot to say_

_Then we will remember_

_Things we said today_

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Reviewer of the Chapter: sailaway...again. Guess you're lucky.

Individual Replies:

J7Chick18 - I know, I don't want Ryan to leave either. Oh well.

Ally - It is kind of nasty to think of, huh? Well, I will say that the real guy that raped her was only seven years older than her. Her, being my grandma, of course. And the guy that was Ryan was actually seven years older than her two. Don't worry, they were two different guys. I just didn't want her mom to be dating someone only seven years older cause my great grandma was a more of a whore than I want Julie to be. Even though both are a bitch. Things are good now, so thanks for that.

najeda - Yeah. I don't think you guys should worry. What's done is done.

Juzzy88 - yeah, sad isn't it?

Girlz-Rule - We haven't had any intelligent conversations, lol, so without you telling me how old you were, I wouldn't be able to guess your age. I asked because I thought I had briefly remembered seeing you were born in '93. My birthday is March 22, 1994, so you are in fact older than me. How does that make you feel? And thank you, my day today is really good, though it will be a rough day tomorrow.

francesfresh007 - we can wish and wish yet what's meant to be will always be.

elly - Sadly, he's going to Iraq. Don't worry, you'll see Ryan's reaction soon enough.

sailaway - Haha, you're welcome. Aw, don't die. I don't want to be a murderer. Yes, imagine Ryan coming home, imagining his girlfriend that waited for him and seeing a six month pregnant Marissa...who may or may not be emotionally distant from him. And then he's sent to Iraq...who knows what can happen... And you'll see what happens to Jimmy in a couple of chapters.


	30. All My Loving

**A/N Song used is 'All My Loving' by the Beatles. I wanted to get this chapter up because today is my grandma's 55****th**** birthday…and she's the real life Marissa. So in honor of her, this chapter is up. I'll try to have another one up this weekend sometime. Thanks for the wonderful reviews, and enjoy!**

In the two weeks leading up to Ryan's departure, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. No one really initiated it, we both kind of just jumped each other whenever we could. In the hallways at school we'd make out hard against he lockers, his tongue in my mouth, driving me crazy, his hands gripping my waist tightly. At home we'd make love tenderly, slowly, but a lot nonetheless, and whenever we were around the Cohens or my parents, we were very big on PDA; holding hands, kissing the other's cheek, getting bold and even kissing the other's lips. We just couldn't get enough of each other because we both knew that soon he'd be gone, and this was the last time we could be together like this.

I saw Ryan graduate and sat next to the Cohens. Seth took the Cohens as his two people, and Ryan only took me because there was no one else, but I was so proud of him, and showed him that night when we made love. Afterwards he held me in his arms and kissed my neck, a part of me that he seemed to love to lay his lips on. Then he pulled back and just smiled at me before reaching on his nightstand and grabbing his senior ring. Then he looked into my eyes and softly, tenderly said, "I want you to have this."

I looked at the ring and shook my head. "Ryan…I can't…"

He nodded and said, "Yes, you can, and you will." He slipped the ring onto my finger and smiled, then kissed me lightly. I looked at his face, and there was no mistaking the happiness radiating from it at the sight of that ring on my finger, so I smiled too, touched he wanted me to have it. "I love you…" He murmured, his eyes now looking into mine deeply, making my body turn to jelly.

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer to me, his forehead now rested on my head. "I just so happen to love you too…" Then our lips meet and everything else just seems to fade away.

Before we know it, it's the day before Ryan's supposed to leave. His last day. Our last day together. And we weren't even together the whole day. We woke up together, naked in his bed, but then we heard Seth knocking on the door to warn us that the rest of the Cohen clan were beginning to wake up and that if we were going to sneak me out, it better be soon. So we hastily dressed, kissing in between every once in a while when we couldn't take it any longer, and then Ryan put took my hand and led me around the house and to his car. When we got to my house he looked at me and asked, "So…you're coming to the party tonight, right?"

I nod and ask, "Why wouldn't I?"

He shrugged and gave a small laugh, even though I couldn't find anything funny. "I don't know…I just had to make sure…"

"That I wouldn't bail on you the last night you're here?" I ask with a raise of my eyebrows. "I'd think you of all people would know that I can't leave you, Atwood."

He smiled and said, "I know…but still. I just have to check for some reason. I can't help it, it comes naturally."

I laugh a little and say, "Okay, fine then. I will come to your party tonight along with my mom, Steve, and my dad. They will stand around and watch us like hawks, and me and you will make an appearance before heading to the pool house…"

"It's my party," He pointed out, but smiled.

"Are you implying that you don't want to go to the pool house with me?" I ask with a raise of my eyebrows, my voice teasing. "Because that can be arranged too.."

He shook his head and quickly added, "It's my party…but I think we can make an exception…"

I grin and say, "Yeah, I thought so." I lean in and press my lips against his quickly before pulling back and saying, "I really should get inside now though. I wouldn't be surprised if someone is watching from the window or something…" I roll my eyes at the thought of anyone watching me and Ryan in the car.

He puts his hand on the back of my head and pulls my lips towards his again. "Let them watch…" he murmurs, and then suddenly he's kissing me long and slow, the warmth of the kiss reaching from my toes to the tips of my hair. He slips his tongue into my mouth and presses it against mine gently, stroking my tongue over and over again, making me moan. I pull back and stare at him breathless, shocked at all the feelings I'm having in my body. Let's just say that if we weren't in front of my house where we could be potentially watched, I'd rip off both our clothes and do it here and now.

_Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,  
Tomorrow I'll miss you,  
Remember I'll always be true,  
And then while I'm away,  
I'll write home every day,  
And I'll send all my loving to you._

"You really shouldn't kiss me like that unless you want something to happen," I manage to get out after a minute of heavy breathing and trying to control myself. I can't look at him, in fear of losing control and climbing over the console and on top of him.

He smirks and says, "Well, what if I did want something to happen?" I turn and look at him with raised eyebrows.

"Then I'd say don't kiss me like that because…because I don't want anything to happen right now…"

He places his hand on the side of my face and pulls me in for another breathtaking kiss. I pull back before I can get too lost and he says, "You know you wouldn't be able to resist me. You want it, just like I do…"

"That's not the point," I remark.

"Then what is the point?" He asks, looking amused. "Enlighten me."

"Well, the point is that we are in the front seat of the car…" I start, but am interrupted.

"Not like we haven't done it in the car before," He points out with a smug smirk.

I glare at him and say, "I wasn't finished. Anyways, we are in the front seat of the car, in front of my house…" I look at the front window and sigh. "And my mom is looking through the window. So unless you want to offer a free show…"

He shakes his head and says, "No…but tonight…" He gets a serious look on his face and then softly says, "Tonight…I want you to stay, and I want you to go with the Cohens to the airport tomorrow to drop me off. It wouldn't be right if you weren't there."

I nod and say, "Of course I'll stay, and of course I'll go drop you off with them." I smile at him and peck his lips quickly. "But now I have to go. I'll see you at your party tonight.."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I arrived at Ryan's party around seven with my mom, dad, and Steve. I left them the minute we got there and went in search of Ryan. He was smiling politely at some people who were patting him on the back and telling him something. I smirked and walked up to him, then grabbed hold of one of his arms and rested my head on his shoulder. "And you must be the lucky girl that Ryan's been waiting for…" Some man said, winking at me and Ryan.

Ryan furrowed his eyebrows confusedly and said, "I never said I was waiting for someone…"

"You didn't have to," The man said, and then walked away with a smile.

Ryan shrugged and turned to me, his face breaking out into a real smile. "You took way too long to get here.." He murmured, leaning in and kissing me softly.

I giggled a little and mumbled, "I got here fifteen minutes late."

"Fifteen minutes too long," He said, pulling back and staring into my eyes. He put his hands on both sides of my face, then searched my eyes for something. "You're beautiful, you know that?" He asked.

I blush and my heart starts pounding hard in my chest. I feel slightly faint from the look of pure love in his eyes. "I..uh…"

"Well, you are," He said with a smile. He kisses me again, this time slower and more tender. His tongue traces the outline of my lips and I begin to get so lost in the kiss that I forget we're here to honor his going away and that we're in front of a whole bunch of people that are looking at us because he's the main center of attention. "And I love you."

I pull away from his lips and that hypnotic spell of his. I look into his crystal blue eyes, wondering what I'm going to do without them until December. "I love you too," I whisper, then bury my head into his neck, fighting off the tears.

"It's going to be okay," He murmurs into my ear, his arms tightening their grip around me so that I'm even closer to him. He rubs his hand up and down my back soothingly, and I start to feel slightly better. Ryan can always make me feel better.

I pull away and wipe my eyes a little. "Thanks," I whisper, looking into his powerful blue eyes.

"There's nothing to thank me for," He murmurs.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_I'll pretend I am kissing,  
The lips I am missing,  
And hope that my dreams will come true,  
And then while I'm away,  
I'll write home every day,  
And I'll send all my loving to you_

After a few hours, Ryan grabs me by the waist and pulls me into the pool house. Before I know it, he's pushing me down onto the bed and unzipping my dress, throwing it onto the floor carelessly. I giggle and ask, "Aren't there still people out there?"

He nods and kisses down my neck hungrily. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean we can't have some fun in here, does it?"

I giggle again as he kisses my tickle spot, and then start to moan as his lips move down towards my chest. I run my hands through his hair and as his lips continue their assault on my body. I bite my lip, trying to keep that moans out so that if someone is passing by, they can't hear, but he was just so good at what he was doing that a few escaped. Soon all of our clothes were in a pile one the floor and our hands were everywhere on each other's bodies. Ryan quickly put on the condom and then he was thrusting into me hard and fast, more so than ever before.

Usually when we make love it's slow and gentle, showing how much we care for each other, but now it's desperate and fierce, both knowing Ryan's leaving tomorrow and this could be one of the last times that we can do this for a very long time. When we both come, he collapses on the spot next to me and we don't look at each other for a long time, trying to regain control of our breathing and bodies. Finally Ryan murmurs, "Wow."

I nod and say, "Yeah."

He turns and looks at me, his face serious, then a slow smile breaks across his face. "I think we should do that again."

I laugh and say, "Oh really?"

He nods enthusiastically and says, "I think we should do that a whole lot more."

"We only have…" I look at the clock by his bed. "Seven hours until we need to be leaving to drop you off." I frown at that. Seven hours?

He frowns too. "Well…" He smiles at me sweetly suddenly and says, "We should take advantage of those seven hours now…"

I roll my eyes and laugh a little more. "As much as I would love to take advantage of time and your body…" He smirks and I run kiss his chest. "…I think that we should get back to your party before people start wondering where we are and realize what we've been doing for the last hour."

He gives a long, dramatic sigh, but agrees. "I guess so."

"But I'll take advantage of your body afterwards," I say, getting up from the bed and grabbing my clothes. Ryan watches as I get dressed and I roll my eyes. "You're such a boy sometimes."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked, raising his eyebrows.

"It means that you're overly obsessed with my body and watching me get dressed, even when we should be getting back to YOUR party because YOU'RE leaving," I say, finishing getting dressed. I rake my fingers through my hair and look at him.

_All my loving, I will send to you,  
All my loving, darling, I'll be true._

He shrugs and stands up, then gets dressed himself. I watch him and he smirks. "Who's watching who now?" He asks, causing me to blush a little.

"Well, I was only watching you because I was already dressed and there was nothing better to do. You on the other hand still needed to get dressed…" He cuts me off by kissing me on the mouth, laughing the whole time.

"You talk too much sometimes," He says, causing me to glare at him. He frames my face with his hands and says, "But that's not always a bad thing."

I roll my eyes and say, "Whatever."

He gets on his shirt, and then his jacket. I help him straighten his tie, and then I walk out of the pool house alone, not wanting to bring attention to us both together. Seth finds me and steers me away from the pool house quickly. "Pretend like you've been talking to me the whole time," He whispers in my ear.

"Wh--"

"Hey Mr. Callahan, it's nice that you came," Seth says, nodding his head at a very bald man with glasses. He's tall with green eyes, and I wonder who he is.

"Seth, I've been here for three hours now, and now you talk to me?" He asks, shaking his head disgustedly. "Where's Ryan?"

Seth looks at me and says, "I don't know, do you know, Marissa?"

I shake my head and ask, "How would I know, I've been with you the whole time…" We walk away from the guy and I ask Seth, "What was that about?"

"You and Ryan were getting down and dirty in the pool house and people have been asking for him. That's one of Ryan's old teachers, doesn't work at Harbor anymore though. Anyways, he was spreading some rumor that you and Ryan were 'getting it on.'" Seth smirks.

I roll my eyes at him and then Ryan comes out of the pool house. Immediately he's swarmed by people, but he searches the crowd for my eyes. When they lock, he gives me a 'help me' look and I shake my head and laugh. Then he smiles, winks, and then starts working the crowd again. "So are you and Ryan doing okay? You seemed a little tense around each other earlier…" I say to Seth.

Seth shrugs and says, "We're as good as we can be. I'm still a little upset about him not telling us when he was leaving, but other than that we're good."

"Life's too short to always be angry," I point out to him.

He looks at me and remarks, "That's very wise of you. But we both know it's not that easy."

I shrug and say, "If it was me, I wouldn't want my brother to be mad if I was going to be in another state for a long time with no friends or family." I raise my eyebrows and then say, "But that's just me."

Seth sighs and says, "I know."

That's when Ryan comes over and wraps his arms around me. "Seth," he says.

"Ryan," Seth replies, and then walks away.

Ryan sighs and then looks at me and shrugs, trying to blow it off. "Go talk to him," I say, kissing Ryan's cheek. "He needs to understand why you're doing this."

Ryan sighs and says, "I think you're right." He kisses my lips quickly and then asks, "How did I get such a good girlfriend?"

I shrug and joke, "I don't know, you do have a pretty great girlfriend." We both laugh and then Ryan walks away to go talk to Seth. I see them hug and smile to myself, then Ryan makes his way back over to me. "How'd it go?"

"He still seems a little mad, but says he understands why I have to do this." He looks at Sandy and sighs once again. "Now when he can understand why I have to do this, then I'll be happy."

"So you're not happy?" I ask, looking at him for a long moment. Ryan turns and looks at me, a confused expression on his face.

_Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,  
Tomorrow I'll miss you,  
Remember I'll always be true,  
And then while I'm away,  
I'll write home every day,  
And I'll send all my loving to you._

"Of course I'm happy…I just mean that I'd be happier if he understood. I've tried explaining it, and he just goes on about how I have my whole life ahead of me and I'm wasting it on something like this." Ryan sighs again, but then looks at me and smiles. "That's why I'm happy to have you." He turns me so that I'm facing him, and then plants a tender kiss on my lips. "You mean the world to me, and I could have my whole family mad at me…as long as I have you, I'll be okay."

I smile and say, "Good answer."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

We make love two more times that night before I finally fall asleep, exhausted from the party and workout Ryan gave me. I wake up and find the light on and Ryan staring at me lovingly, his head propped up by his arm on the pillow. I smile sleepily at him and say, "Hey."

"Hey," He says, his smile widening.

I look at the clock by his bed and say, "It's three in the morning."

He nods and says, "I know."

I raise an eyebrow and ask, "What are you doing up at three in the morning?"

"Well, I was watching you sleep," He says, then leans down and kisses my forehead. "But now you're awake so I'm talking to you." His voice doesn't sound sleepy or tired, but deep yet light at the same time. It makes me even sleepier, if that's possible, but I want to know why he's awake and watching me sleep.

"Why were you watching me sleep?" I ask softly, looking into his eyes. "Why not sleep yourself?"

He exhales slowly and then says, "I don't know…I just didn't feel like sleeping. I have the whole flight to do that. Now watching you sleep…well, I don't have a lot of time for that anymore."

I smile and cuddle into his chest, then suddenly the world is dark again and I'm happily sleeping. I wake up to the sound of his deep voice murmuring into my ear, "Marissa…come on, it's time to get up." I shake my head and grip him tighter. He laughs and says, "I need to go, come one."

I shake my head again and say, "No, I won't let you leave. I'm holding you hostage."

He laughs a little more and pulls away from me. I fight him on it, but he ends up winning and gets out of bed, then starts to get dressed. I let out a long groan and he laughs even more. Once he's dressed he comes to me and wraps his arms around me again. I stop making noise and let myself get lost in his embrace, reveling at the feeling of his strong arms holding me. "It's early, I know…but I have to go."

I shake my head and yawn. "I don't want you to leave me. Something will happen, you know it will. Nothing good will happen when you leave me."

"It will be okay," He says kissing my lips softly. "I promise you it will be okay."

After a while he coaxes me out of bed and I get dressed in some clothes that I'd left here a couple of nights before in case I needed them sometime. I try not to get emotional during the drive to the airport, and Ryan keeps his arms around me the whole time, my head rested on his shoulder, his head rested against the top of my head. "I'll write everyday," He keeps murmuring to me when he notices that I'm crying softly. "I promise it will be okay. It's just training camp."

And then we're finally at the airport and he's getting his bag out of the trunk. I wonder how my time with Ryan could have suddenly come to this moment, his departure. I wonder how time can go by so fast yet so slow at the same time, how come moments that we never want to let go somehow slip through our fingers like water despite our hardest attempt to keep them with us. Ryan looks at me and then walks towards me slowly. He places his arm around me and we walk together with the Cohens next to us. We walk to the security gate and then I know that we can't go any further. Ryan stops and puts down his bag, then gives a hug to each of the Cohens. Seth tells him something about no hard feelings, and Sandy just holds Ryan close to him like any good father would do. Kirsten tries to hide her tears, but they're clear as day, just like mine.

Then Ryan turns to me and suddenly it all became so real. I was saying goodbye to him right now until December. No more kisses or making love, no talking until there's nothing to talk about, no lying naked in each other's arms. A sob comes out and his arms wrap around me as he tries to console me. I breathe in his scent, the pine trees mixed with his natural manly smell, and I try to savor it the best I can. Because for some reason I have this feeling that after today nothing will be the same. So I hold onto him and he murmurs into my ears, "Look at me."

I comply and look up into his eyes. He smiles at me, and then tilts his head in that loving way of his, his eyes sparkling. He frames my face with his hands and softly says, "I love you, Marissa Cooper. And this December we'll be together again." He leans his face close to mine and kisses me tenderly, his lips reinforcing what he just spoke. Then he pulls back and murmurs, "And someday I'm going to marry you, and we're going to have kids and raise them together in a house that I build for us. You'll never have to work a day in your life because I'll take care of you and provide for you and our family."

He looks into my eyes and I say in a barely audible voice, "You promise?"

"Of course I do," he murmurs, and then I lean in to kiss him, this time longer. His tongue finds its way back into my mouth, its second home, and we kiss for what feels like hours but is only a few minutes. We hear someone clear their throat and pull back, but I don't blush because I'm not embarrassed to kiss my boyfriend goodbye.

"I love you," I say, and then kiss him again.

"I love you too," He mumbles against my lips. I want so badly to make love to him, to be close to him in that way again, but now I know that our time is really over.

"Not to interrupt the moment…but you have to go, buddy," Seth says after a few more minutes.

Ryan doesn't tear his eyes from mine and he says, "Okay." He kisses me, one last time, and then walks away.

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I get home later that morning, numb with no emotions. I can't believe that he's not going to be here until December. Steve is up and drinking coffee as I saunter my way into the kitchen. He looks up from the paper and asks, "Is lover boy gone?"

I nod and whisper, "Yeah."

I look at him, the way his eyes sparkle like this is all part of his master plan. I wonder what the plan is, and what part I play. "So what are you going to do now without him here to protect you?"

I shrug and admit, "You know, Steve, I really don't know."

_All my loving, I will send to you,  
All my loving, darling, I'll be true,  
All my loving, I will send to you._

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**Reviewer of the Chapter: najeda**

**Individual Replies:**

**girlz-rule** – I am younger than a lot of my 'friends,' but not all of them. I have one whose birthday is in May, so that makes me feel good. I'm not always the youngest. When have we ever had an intelligent conversation, lol? And have you started reading like I told you to? Thank you, my cousins are okay right now, but who knows how long that will last? And Tuesday was a crazy day for me, but all in all everything is alright and I'm doing good at the moment

**francesfresh007** – Why thank you. When is your birthday?

**J7chick18** – I'll be skipping usually months at a time.

**Ally** – Thank you. It's getting better all the time in the words of the Beatles.

**Juzzy88 **– Why thank you.

**newportz-princess** – G, you need to stop having those tantrums!

**najeda **– Thank you.

**sailaway** – Before I forget I am going to ask you, how old are you? And when is your birthday? Okay, now that we have that out of the way…things for Marissa are going to be rough. Let's just say that being pregnant won't be her only problem. And to answer your question about Steve, I have met the real guy. His name is Domingo. He's actually given me a chalkboard and a whiteboard to draw on. So based on that, what do you think? He is not my grandpa, I will tell you that.

**elly **– Thank you. I love my reviews.

**CohenNAtwood** – You are exactly 5 chapters away from seeing his reaction. It may surprise you, it may not. How do you think he'll react?


	31. PS I Love You

**A/N Song used: P.S. I Love You by the Beatles. This post is short, I know, and it sucks, I know. Do I care? No. I've decided this story is only going to have 10 chapters after this one. Believe me, it's better this way. I have breaking news though! I do not feel worthless at the moment. I know, an amazing accomplishment. Though I do feel kind of light headed. And I'm twitching…but that's beyond the point. I was so depressed the other day when I came onto this site. Seriously, almost every story was Ryan and Taylor. That was very sad to see, what has this world come to?! Jk…sort of. But I have a story dedicated to me, so go check that out if you haven't already. It's called…**_**Little Kids Playing Jenga. **_**Enjoy this crap of a chapter and tell me what you think of it. I just so happen to love my reviews. Oh, and add me on Myspace. I'm loving that mobsters application, and I need more people in my mob! The link for my Myspace is in my profile. Peace. R/R!**

It's been two weeks.

Days were spent usually staring at the ceiling in my room, counting to numbers so high that I couldn't remember what came next. My dad managed to console me out of my room with talks of a balboa bar and walk along the beach. That turned out to be a bad idea, resulting in nothing but memories of Ryan and I walking down the beach with balboa bars, or just together in general. We had to leave after I started crying, drawing attention to myself. Everyone whispered behind their hands because they knew the reason I was crying. My boyfriend was in Texas. And the dark spots on my faces were another reason for the gossip.

When I go to bed, I miss his arms wrapped around me possessively. And when I wake up, I miss kissing him good morning or just staring into his eyes. During the day I miss his smile, the way his eyes light up whenever he sees me, the feeling of his fingers laced through mine. At night I miss the sweet kisses and the tender love that we made, the post sex spooning that resulted in sleep. I missed being protected by him.

_**As I write this letter,  
Send my love to you,  
Remember that I'll always,  
Be in love with you.**_

His first letter went like this :

_Dear Marissa,_

_I should probably be sleeping right now, but it's hard to do that without you here next to me. I never thought I'd become so dependent on you, but I am, and now I have to feel the full weight of my love and longing for you. I wish you were right here next to me. I wish I could kiss you right now, because I want to so badly that it makes me physically hurt sometimes. _

_I haven't written to the Cohens just yet, I wanted to write to you first. I don't know if that makes me a bad person, or just someone in love. It's my first night here, so I don't really know anyone. Maybe I'll make some friends, maybe not. Speaking of friends though, can you make sure you're one to Seth? He'll be going to college soon enough, but he doesn't have that many people other than me, you, and his comic book friends. _

_Anyways, I should probably get some sleep. We have to get up really early over here. And tomorrow they're shaving my head, so I should enjoy my last night with all my hair._

_I love you,_

_Ryan_

_**Treasure these few words 'til we're together,  
Keep all my love forever,  
P.S., I love you.  
You, you, you.  
**_

He included the address to send him a letter back. I had immediately started writing to him. The next morning I woke up, went downstairs and saw the fireplace on. I thought it was weird considering that it was June and hot outside. Then I saw that Steve was burning something at the fireplace, and I walked up to him and asked, "Don't feel like using a shredder? Had to be more creative?"

He shook his head and smiled, watching the paper crumple and the fire crackle. "No, I just enjoy watching happiness burn." He looked at me and then said, "Nice letter to Ryan by the way."

"What, how would you…" I ask, then look at the fire again and see what he's about to throw in there. "The letter Ryan sent me…"

"I unfortunately couldn't find it…" He said with a sigh. He lifted my letter to Ryan and waved it in the air tauntingly. "Dear Ryan…"

"Steve, give me the letter," I say, reaching for it. He's faster and pulls away.

He gives his best girly voice and says, "I miss you so much that I can hardly take it anymore. You've been gone a day and already I feel like it's been a year. How am I supposed to last until December?"

I reach for it again, but he raises it higher in the air. "STEVE!" I shout.

"Of course I'll talk to Seth while you're gone, he feels like a brother to me…" Steve smirks and says, "Aw, isn't that cute." He goes back to his girly voice and continues embarrassing me, "I can't wait until the day we're together again for good, because whenever you're around, I feel like I can be okay in this world, but when you're gone, I feel like a part of me is missing…"

"Stop it!" I yell, then plunge for him again. He grabs hold of my hair and yanks it hard, causing me to whimper in pain. "Let go!"

"I can't wait until I can kiss you again and spend the night…" He raises his eyebrows at me and says, "A little promiscuous don't you think?"

"Leave me alone," I growl, glaring at him.

_**I'll be coming home again to you, love,  
And 'til the day I do, love,  
P.S., I love you.  
You, you, you.  
**_

He's back to his girly voice, "I can't imagine you with your hair shaved off. I guess I'll see you in December. I love you, Marissa." He laughs and says, "Isn't that just so SWEET!" He grabs the letter and throws it into the fire.

"NO!" I shout, and try to go after it. He pulls my hair back and laughs that evil little laugh of his when he gets his way.

"Did you really think there's a such thing as a happy ending?" He asks, his voice mocking and amused. "Did you really think that's how this world works? That you can meet someone and suddenly all of your problems go away?" I don't say anything, just watch the letter burn, the edges becoming black, the words no longer legible. He pulls my hair so that my head is up in his face and then he says, "You're pathetic, you know that?"

I spit in his face and say, "I believe you're the pathetic one."

He laughs and says, "You still think he's going to save you, don't you?" He rolls his eyes and throws me to the ground, then kicks me hard in the stomach. "Where's he when you need him?" He kicks me in the back and I feel pain shoot through my body. I close my eyes and whimper. "Is he here now?" He kicks me one more time and then laughs. "I guess not." Then he walks away, whistling a happy song.

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_**As I write this letter,  
Send my love to you,  
Remember that I'll always,  
Be in love with you.  
**_

The next day I was sore from the beating he gave me. I decided I should tell my mom about it, so I went downstairs and looked around for her. Thankfully Steve was at work, so I could speak to her alone. She had a pan in her hand and was looking down at a cookbook. I could smell the alcohol before she even opened her mouth, she was that drunk. "Mom?" I asked quietly.

"What do you want?" She asked harshly, not looking up.

"I need to talk to you…about Steve. He's been…" I start.

"What did I tell you about making things up about Steve?" She asked, not even looking at me.

"I'm not making it up, he kicked me really hard yesterday…" I explain, hoping that she'd believe me at least this once. I start to lift my shirt to show where the dark bruises are, but she doesn't even turn my way.

"He's not a bad guy. You're just being paranoid," She said, rolling her eyes and sighing.

"I'm not being paranoid, mom.." I say, and then begin to get annoyed that she won't even look at me. "MOM!" I yell to get her attention.

It works, she turns and looks at me with a glare fixed on her face. "WHAT?!" She yells back at me.

"Your fiancé is beating me!" I say, glaring at her. "And all you can do is say that I'm paranoid?"

She reaches her hand out and strikes me hard across the face. I fall against the counter and start to taste blood. "Don't you ever dare speak to me that way again, do you understand?" She asks, he eyes narrowing at me.

I reach my fingers up to my lip and then pull it away, wincing. I see blood on my fingers and then look up at my mom. "Are you serious?" I ask, glaring at her. "This is how you're going to handle the situation?"

She strikes me again, harder this time and across my eye. I blink rapidly and try to stifle my whimpers. I feel my eye begin to swell shut and she says again, "Do not speak to me that way, do you understand?"

I nod slowly, swallowing hard. "Yes ma'am," I barely get out, then walk away, wondering how my life could've amounted to this.

_**Treasure these few words 'til we're together,  
Keep all my love forever,  
P.S., I love you.  
You, you, you.  
**_

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_Dear Marissa,_

_It's been only a day, I know, but I promised I'd write to you everyday, remember? So here's my second letter. I met someone today, his name is Tom. He's a nice guy, and he's been through a lot, just like I have. He sat next to me today at lunch, that's how we started talking. He's from Kentucky and his accent is really interesting. His mom died from Cancer when he was little, and his dad had a problem getting over that so they have this rift in their relationship._

_He has a girlfriend too, Carrie. He speaks about her with this really goofy smile on his face and his eyes grow a lighter shade of green. It's really nice to see someone talk that fondly of someone else. It makes me wonder what I look like when I talk about you. Maybe I look like a dork, I don't know, but I'm a dork in love._

_They cut off my hair today. Shaved it completely off so it's only a little buzz cut. I'm not used to it, I usually can run my hand through my hair, but now there's nothing there so I just run it across the top of my head. It's soft, I'll give you that._

_Anyways, I hope this reaches you, and I hope you write soon._

_Love,_

_Your hairless boyfriend_

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_**As I write this letter, (Oh oh oh)  
Send my love to you, (You know I want you to)  
Remember that I'll always, (Yeah)  
Be in love with you.**_

My dad was MIA for a while there, and then he decided to take me to the pier that one day. I had been in my room, embarrassed by the way I looked, but he wanted to get me out of the house. He didn't comment on my face, or the way I winced when I moved. And when we started walking, I remembered Ryan supposedly going to protect me from the world, and the promises of a happy ending. For some reason that made me cry harder than I did when he was leaving because now I finally knew that maybe we weren't going to get our happy ending like I'd hoped.

"What's going on with you?" He asked after a while, tearing me from my memories of a better time.

"What do you mean?" I ask, my voice hoarse from not speaking for the past few days.

"I mean that you're being distant. You have bruises on your face, you're wincing…you haven't written to Ryan…" He said, staring at me worriedly. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," I reply, not looking at him. I lean against the railing and look out at the ocean, remembering when Ryan and I had looked out at the same ocean together. I sigh softly to myself and close my eyes, willing away the tears.

"There is something going on--"

"It's nothing!" I say, louder than I mean to. I open my eyes and see people staring and whispering.

"Did you see what she just did?"

"When'd she get those bruises?"

"What's the princess going to do without her prince now?"

"Do you think she's going to wait for him?"

"Fifty bucks says she dumps him for the next rich kid that pays attention to her."

I finally just can't take it anymore and start to walk away. "Marissa, Marissa!" My dad yells after me. I just shake my head and keep walking, and then running. I try to run from my problems, from the loss of my happiness, from the pain. Have you ever just set off running, not knowing where you're headed, but not caring? My feet just took me away from where the problem was and helped me find a solution. Believe it or not, that came in the shape of school. Where Ryan and I first met.

I couldn't go inside, so I walked around the campus for a little bit. It was probably illegal, but I didn't really care at that point. I walked through the empty parking lot, and then just sat on one of the benches and thought about life. How is it that we want things to go one way, but they almost always end up going the opposite direction? Why can't I have a happy ending? Did the universe hate me? What about what I wanted?

I pull Ryan's letter out of my pocket, the newest one. It's been a week since he left, and I still haven't written him anything. He's beginning to worry now.

_Dear Marissa,_

_What's happened to you? I thought we were supposed to write to each other, not just me writing to you. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt…maybe your letter got lost in the mail. Or maybe mine did and you haven't read any of them yet. Either way, I can't wait until you write me, because you will, won't you?_

_Nothing much happened today. Same as the past week. Pretty boring stuff, but pretty tiring. _

_Love,_

_Ryan_

I sigh and then put it away again. I close my eyes and lean back in the bench, wishing the world away.

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_**I'll be coming home again to you, love,  
And 'til the day I do, love,  
P.S., I love you.  
You, you, you.  
You, you, you.  
I love you.  
**_

It's been two weeks since he left.

Two weeks since I've noticed a sunset.

Two weeks since I've smiled the way I should.

Two weeks since I've laughed completely.

Two weeks since I've felt loved.

Two weeks since I believed that life can have a happy ending if you really wanted one.

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**Reviewer of the Chapter: **Nichole

**Individual:**

**Juzzy88** - Aw, I don't mean to make you cry.

**G** - You really know how to make a girl laugh sometimes, G.

**Elly** - I hate it when I can't fall asleep. Happens a lot too.

**Sailaway **- Makes sense why you were so shocked that I was 14. You're an elder, haha. Ryan's reaction will be in one, two, three chapters. 3, that's all you have to wait for. How does that make you feel, old one? He's a very ugly man, though that's not nice of me to say. He doesn't age well. Last time we talked to him though was a while back.

**Girlz-rule **- I'm pretty sure we have not have an intelligent conversations, lol. We could give a shot at it if you want.

**Francesfresh007 **- Darn, I think you're even older than me. I'm quite the young one.

**Nichole** - How was New York?

**J7chick18** - Haha, I agree.

**Ry.and.riss.for.ever **- Alright, I won't say it then..

**Blue Depths **- Not preggars…yet.

**Ryan and Marissa Atwood 4ever **- I guess you'll have to wait and see what happens..

**CohenNAtwood** - I love drama. Makes things interesting, don't you think?


	32. Help!

**A/N Song used is 'Help!' by the Beatles. You're going to hate me after this chapter. Anyways, I have a question to ask you people: Do you want Ryan to come back in the next post or do you want me to do what I was going to and have him come back in two posts from now? If you do the one post from now, then you're losing another chapter to the story, but it's basically just a filler. Um, what to say…oh, I know, you guys surprise me. I don't know what you saw in the last chapter. It was short and poorly written in my opinion, but oh well. And if any of you watch Nashville Star, I'm going to try to meet Gabe tomorrow. Peace out people of the world, and review!**

Have you ever had one of those moments that feel like a hundred years have gone by, but really it's only a second, maybe two? When the whole world seems to be at a stand still and you just want to fast forward or rewind to a better time, when all this is behind you or hadn't happened at all? Or maybe a moment when your heart pounds so hard in your chest and your ears are ringing, but there's nothing you can do about it? Ever had a moment that you wish more than anything you could take back, redo, rewind, or erase completely?

"_You're not eating," My dad points out, watching me stare blankly out into space as my bowl remains untouched. I barely hear him, my ears ringing from where Steve had hit me the day before. I'd disrespected him by rolling my eyes when he talked about something, and since my mom was always lost in her own world and my dad was out and about, he decided he'd take matters into his own hands._

"_I'm not really that hungry," I mumble, then go back to staring out into space._

_He sighs and says, "You need to eat, Marissa."_

_I shrug and say, "I'm fine."_

"_I'm your father, you need to listen to me," He says, staring at me for a long moment._

_I shrug again and say, "I'm not hungry, I already told you."_

_He just shakes his head and then quietly asks, "Have you been writing to Ryan?" I shake my head, and then he asks, "Why not?" I shrug but don't reply, a blank look still on my face. "You have to have a reason."_

"_What's the point?" I ask, my voice emotionless. My eyes remain empty, and I don't let myself feel anything._

_He stares at me for the longest moment, maybe trying to analyze the situation. Maybe he's just staring at the cuts and bruises that color my face. "What's been going on? What have they been doing while I'm gone?"_

_  
"Why are you gone half of the time?" I ask, my eyes turning slightly accusing. Maybe if he was here, nothing would happen anymore._

_He sighs and says, "I'm looking for a job. But that's not the important thing here."_

"_Any luck?" I ask, steering the conversation away again, or trying to at least._

_He shakes his head. "Marissa, you need to talk to me."_

"_Talking is the last thing I feel like doing," I say, letting myself produce a small sigh._

_**Help, I need somebody,  
Help, not just anybody,  
Help, you know I need someone, help.**_

"_I can't help you if you don't let me," He points out._

"_If you really wanted to help me, none of this would have happened," I say, my eyes looking at my now soggy cereal. For a small moment I let my eyes flash from anger the growing, burning anger inside of me. The anger strong enough to hurt either me or anyone who dares get in my way._

"_Me and you, we're going to get out of here. Soon. I promise," He says, putting his hand on mine. He rubs his thumb over the top of my hand and it makes me remember Ryan for the briefest instant. I close my eyes, and when I open them the brick wall comes back in full force, blocking my dad out. I take a bite of the soggy cereal, then swallow. _

_I pick up my bowl and stand. "There, I ate." Then I walk away._

I want to escape. I want to be able to close my eyes and wish everything away. I want to be able to run away with Ryan and let him reassure me until I'm sure that nothing will ever hurt me again. I want to be able to say that I'm happy without lying. I want to be able to feel the comfort and security that family is supposed to provide you. I want the Cohens to be my in laws and listen to Seth ramble about meaningless things from the different origins of the Joker to Death Cab and how great they are. I want to know that if I let myself feel something, it wouldn't be pain.

"_What the hell are you doing to her, Julie?!" I hear my dad shout. I roll my eyes and lay back on my bed._

"_I'm not doing anything!" She yells back. I sigh and wonder why she couldn't come up with a better come back._

"_Sure doesn't look like nothing. She has cuts and bruises on her face, her arms…she whimpers when she walks.." I stare down the stairs curiously, not knowing my dad had been that perceptive. I didn't even know I whimpered when I walk. "She won't eat, she looks like she's dead…"_

"_That's not very nice to say about your teenage daughter," My mom says, ignoring everything. "If she hears you say that about her, she'll get upset with you."_

_I can imagine my dad rolling his eyes and sighing. It's a good moment for something like that. Then I hear, "I don't want you doing this to her anymore. Whatever is going on, and I know there's a lot going on, you need to stop it…now."_

"_If you're going to accuse my fiancé in my home, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," I hear an annoying little voice say. I sigh a long sigh and scratch at the stair that I'm now sitting on. I moved so I could hear better. _

_**When I was younger, so much younger than today,  
I never needed anybody's help in any way.  
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,  
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.**_

"_I'm not going to leave my daughter alone," I hear my dad say defensively, getting even angrier. "And who the hell are you to tell me that?"  
_

_I hear Steve laugh his triumphant little laugh and say, "I believe I'm the one paying the bills, so I have a whole lot more power over you and your daughter than you think." He paused for a minute, probably looking at his fingernails, something he does when he's being an ass. "Now I suggest you get out of my house now."_

"_Gladly," My dad spits back at him._

"_And make sure you say goodbye to your daughter, you won't be seeing her again for a while," Steve says, sounding bored._

"_You can't keep me from her," My dad said, his voice tense again._

"_Of course I can. Because you see, I have some friends that happen to know you." Steve laughs a little and then says, "And let's just say, they'd pay a lot of money to know just where you are so that they can solve some…issues."_

"_I don't know what you're talking about," My dad says, but his voice is a little scared now._

"_I believe you do," Steve replies. "I'm going to go and meet with some colleagues for golf, but when I get back, I expect you to be gone. Remember, your future is just a phone call away." I hear footsteps and then the front door open and close._

_I listen for my dad and then see him start to climb the stairs. He sees me and stops dead in his tracks. He stares at me and then walks up further and sits on a step a few away from me. "I'm going away," He starts._

_  
"I heard," I reply._

_I look at him for a long second and then his voice breaks and he says, "I'm sorry. I wish I could change the past.."_

"_Wishing never got anyone anywhere," I say with a shrug, my voice devoid of any emotion._

"_I love you," He says, and reaches up to touch the side of my face. _

_I pull away and say, "I know."_

"_I'm sorry. Someday I'll come back and make things better.."_

"_Okay," I say, but we both know he won't._

I used to think things were simple. My dad would read me stories with my mom about the princess. My favorites were always when the princess was in trouble, maybe a dragon or wizard had captured her and held her hostage. I'd always anticipate the ending, so into the story that I didn't care if it was bedtime or that I had to go to bed when it was over. I loved it when the princess was about to get eaten, or about to die because of a spell put on her, because I just knew that her knight in shining armor would come and save the day. He'd end up being some prince and they'd get married and live happily ever after. I miss believing in happy endings.

_**Help me if you can, I'm feeling down  
And I do appreciate you being round.  
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,  
Won't you please, please help me.**_

_One day the solution to my problems dawned on me; The Cohens. They'd make it all better for sure. They'd make Steve go away for good and make sure I never have to see my mom again. I don't know how they'd do it, but I knew they had to be able to do it. Sandy was a lawyer right? That meant that he could lock up Steve. Maybe if I told everything, including the rapes, it would be enough to make everything just disappear. And then when Ryan came home from good, then we'd be together all the time. And even if I had to sleep in a different room, I'd still be able to sneak into the pool house late at night. And maybe they'd even let me sleep in there voluntarily because of everything I'd been through, knowing that Ryan was the only thing that could make me feel better._

_So one day I went to the Cohen house and found Seth getting into a car. I'd taken some money and called a taxi to the place. The minute I saw Seth, I called out his name. He turned, a smile on his face…until he saw me anyways. The minute he caught sight of how messed up my face was, he frowned and walked over to me. "What the hell happened to you?" He asked in an overprotective brotherly way._

_I shrug and say, "It's been a crazy few weeks. That's actually why I came by…are your parents around?"_

_He shook his head and said, "They're already on their plane to Hawaii. We're going, all three of us. Ryan was going to come, but then he enlisted. It's a good thing we didn't buy a ticket…but anyways, I could stay if you need me to…" He looks me up and down and then says, "And by the looks of it, you need me to."_

"_When are you guys getting back?" I ask, staring at him questioningly, ignoring his offer to stay._

"_In a month," He says. He looks at me with concern and then asks, "Why aren't you writing Ryan?"  
_

_I sigh and say, "Look, Seth, I would love to talk…but I really have to go."_

"_But you said you needed to talk to my parents…" He says, getting all confused._

"_I asked where your parents were…"I point out after replying the short lived conversation in my head. "I just wanted to see if you guys were up to dinner or something, but I guess not…"_

_He nods and sighs. We're both left in an awkward silence for a minute before he says, "You will talk to them though when we get back?"_

_I nod and say, "Yeah, of course."_

"_About…everything…" He says, looking at my face with a sigh, staring at the cuts and bruises._

_I nod and say, "Yeah, a month, of course."_

"_Are you sure you'll be okay on your own? Like I said, I can stay…" He offers once again._

_I shake my head and say, "No, go enjoy your vacation. I'll still be here when you get back. We'll all talk then."_

_He nods and says, "Okay." He leans in and gives me a side hug. "See you in a month," He says, then turns and gets into his car. I get back into the taxi and head back home, feeling a little better. Sure, they weren't here now, but in a month things would get better. I'd tell them everything, and then I'd be able to write to Ryan without Steve threatening me or beating me, because that's what happens whenever I do try to write to him. Paper and pens won't be taken away, and I can write to Ryan and explain why I haven't been writing. Everything would be okay._

_I guess I forgot in my short lived happiness that a lot can happen in the short time span of a month._

_**And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,  
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.  
But every now and then I feel so insecure,  
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.  
**_

I look at the two people sitting in front of me and take a deep breath. My hand subconsciously moves to my stomach for reasons unknown to me. Maybe I thought that I could shield them from what I knew would come. "What do you want, little girl?" He asks, completely disgusted and utterly annoyed. I start to roll my eyes, but then stop myself, not wanting another beating. Despite the fact that I hate it, I'm beginning to learn the ways of him and what sets him off. I pride myself in the fact that I can at least attempt to prevent beatings from happening. Besides, I can't afford this anymore, not after everything I found out.

_It's dark and quiet, but for some reason I can't fall asleep. Whenever I close my eyes, I feel like something's touching me. It's weird because I haven't felt this way since Steve raped me all those months ago. But for some reason I kept having this feeling of uneasiness today, like something was going to happen. You know, that feeling in the pit of your stomach that just won't go away no matter what you do. And despite all my best attempts, it remained there, a constant annoyance._

_I sigh and turn over on my side, staring at the wall. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. After a few minutes I feel a hand on my back, and then soft breathing on my neck. I open my eyes and wait for the feeling to go away, but it doesn't. That's when I hear the words, "I've missed this, little girl."_

_I tense and start to move when I feel his hand grip my arm tightly. "I thought we were over this," I say quietly, trying to hide the fear in my voice._

_Steve laughs and then says, "I told you that I was going to wait around until your little lover boy left. See, there's no escaping me." He pushes me down on my back and we're suddenly in an all too familiar position. "Why do you doubt me so much?"_

_I glare at him through the dark and say, "I will tell him about this."_

"_Right, in your nonexistent letters to him while he's all those miles away," He says sarcastically._

"_I'll tell the Cohens," I say, not wanting Steve to do this. He moves his lips to my neck and starts to kiss me there aggressively. I remember Ryan's gentle kisses to my neck and it makes it all that more painful to know what the real thing was like._

"_Sure you will," he says, obviously not believing me. "Tell them, and you'll pay the consequences."_

"_I'm not afraid of you," I say in my strongest voice._

_He laughs and pulls his lips from my neck at that. "Come on, little girl, we both know that's not true." He hits me hard and then says, "I've only gotten stronger, and so has your fear. You're not as strong as you pretend to be."_

_He starts to unbutton and unzip his pants and well…I try not to remember the rest…_

_**Help me if you can, I'm feeling down  
And I do appreciate you being round.  
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,  
Won't you please, please help me.**_

I turn to Summer and she nods at me. I shake my head, suddenly scared and she sighs and walks over to me. She wraps an arm around me and quietly says, "Marissa has something to tell you two, and you might not like it very much."

My mom rolls her eyes and says, "Let me guess, you're doing drugs." I narrow my eyes and glare at her, the words on the tip of my tongue.

"Not exactly," Summer says uneasily, then turns to me. That's when I know this is going to happen whether I put it off or not.

_I'm at Summer's house when I suddenly feel nauseas. "Oh God," I murmur, and then run to the bathroom and start to throw up._

"_What's wrong, Coop?" Summer asks, running to me and pulling my hair back. It makes me a little uncomfortable for her to see me like this, but then again, this is the same girl that sat with me as my mom explained what being on your period meant._

_I flush the toilet when I have nothing left in my stomach and then get some water and rinse out my mouth. Summer hands me some mouth wash and I nod a thanks in her direction. Afterwards I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "I honestly don't know what's wrong," I admit sadly._

"_Have you been feeling sick lately?" She asks as we walk back to her bed and sit down on it. She frowns._

_I nod and say, "Yeah, I have been pretty sick lately."_

_She goes deep into thought. After a while she asks, "How long has this been going on?"_

_I shrug and say, "I don't know, it just started happening one day…" The truth is, all of my days blend together into an extra long miserable one._

_She stares at me for a moment and then asks, "When was the last time you had your period?"_

_I look at her confusedly and say, "I don't know…"_

"_Has it been a while?" She asks, staring at me questioningly._

_I shrug and say, "Yeah, I guess. I can't remember…"_

"_So you haven't had your period in a while, you're nauseas, you eat everything and then throw it up a little while later…" She says, naming off everything with a count of her finger._

_I get what she's implying and I say, "No way, I can't be…"_

"_You and Ryan like, did it right?" She asks with a raise of her eyebrows._

I nod and say, "Yeah, but…" I think back to my last period, and remember it being after Ryan left. Then I think of that night over a month ago with Steve and suddenly I feel like I'm going to faint. "No, no, no…" I repeat over and over again. I hadn't even made a time to talk to the Cohens yet, and now my life was getting ruined once again.

"_Coop, are you okay?" She asks, getting worried. She makes me lie down and says, "So you could have a mini Coop inside of you right now?" She asks._

_I shrug and say, "I don't know…it's possible."_

_Her eyes widen and she lays on the spot next to me. "Oh My God."_

_I nod and mutter, "Tell me about it."_

_**When I was younger, so much younger than today,  
I never needed anybody's help in any way.  
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,  
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.**_

_A few hours later and a hundred dollars spent 'convincing' the maid to go buy a pregnancy test, I held the little stick in my hand. It was all just a waiting game now. To be or not to be? Baby or no baby? Destruction or miracle? Who knew? "So if it's positive, what are you going to do?" Summer asks._

_I shrug and honestly say, "I have no idea."_

"_Well, will you keep it?" She asks, twirling a strand of her hair on her finger._

_I nod and say, "I don't really believe in abortion.."_

"_Me either," She agrees. We're quiet for a couple of seconds and then she asks, "How's your mom going to take it?"_

_I shrug and say, "Bad." She nods her approval, then I look down at the stick and close my eyes, trying to erase what I just saw. A pink plus sign._

"_It's not good is it?" She ask softly, coming over to me. I show her the test and then start to cry. She wraps her arms around me and I drop the stick. "It's okay, I'm sure Atwood will support you whatever you do. He wouldn't abandon you pregnant with his baby like that…"_

_I cry harder and hold onto Summer for a few minutes before pulling away and sobbing, "But Sum…it's not Ryan's."_

I'd told Summer the story about Steve raping me. I only mentioned that once, not all the other times. She promised she wouldn't tell because I didn't want my child to be embarrassed when they grew up, knowing that their father was Steve. I didn't know what I'd tell Ryan, probably that I was raped by someone else but couldn't remember who. Summer agreed that was best. That way Ryan wouldn't end up killing Steve, leaving me with no money. Now it was time for the very hard part, telling my mom and Steve.

"So um…well…" I start. I sigh and take in a deep breath again before saying, "The reason I brought you two here is because I needed to tell you that I'm pregnant." I trip over the last word, not able to say it without my voice breaking. I stare at Steve's frightened eyes and say, "And I'm going to keep it."

_**Help me if you can, I'm feeling down  
And I do appreciate you being round.  
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,  
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.**_

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**Reviewer of the chapter: **Ryan and Marissa 4Ever 2

**Individual:**

**Girlz-Rule **- Her dad isn't going to come back and save her, and neither are the Cohens. Her dad's story is gone now, he won't be brought up again except maybe quickly remembering something. I don't know what to have an intelligent conversation about. What would be classified as intelligent? My friend made this hilarious picture of Ryan looking like a nerd because I call him Wussyboy Nerdakins cause of how bad he was in season four. I couldn't stop laughing when she sent it to me.

**G **- Haha, you're the one that made the name, "Newport-princess." And no killing Steve, I wouldn't want to add murder to your list of problems.

**Juzzy88 **- I don't know if I'll be able to write another one. I'll try to.

**Sailaway** - Like I said, I'll try to continue writing. Next year I'm going to start high school and my high school is all the way across town cause it's a special one…a magnet school. Anyways, since it's so far away I'll hardly be at my grandma's house and she's who's computer I write on, besides my dad's. But I won't be with my dad either cause I only see him Thursdays and every other weekend. So my posting time is limited. That's why I'm trying to finish this story so fast, to make sure that it is completed before I could potentially be off the computer for a while. I blew out my old computer and need a new one, but don't see it happening anytime soon.

**Francesfresh007**- I hate being the youngster…

**Ryan and Marissa 4Ever 2 **- Did I post fast enough for you?

**J7chick18** - Yeah, I agree, he does.

**Nichole **- That sounds really cool. I've always wanted to go to New York…

**Elly **- Hmm, I think you should get your tissues ready…


	33. Misery

**A/N Hello wonderful people that probably hate me. It's been a while since I posted, well, kind of. Anyways, I've been writing this for the past couple of days, but I was just so busy that I couldn't do it. I didn't get to go see Gabe which I was upset about, and I didn't get to go see Journey like I was supposed to either because of stupid Hurricane Dolly. I only get the rain when there's a hurricane, and there was a lot of rain and both concerts were outside, so I didn't go. But I did go see the Dark Knight for the second time, and I went and saw Mama Mia today. That was fun. The Dark Knight is still the best though. Song used is 'Misery' by The Beatles and is kind of more Ryan's POV, but I dunno. Thank you for all of the lovely reviews, they made me feel very happy. Just so you know, I'm supposed to be doing a lot of reading about now, but I blew it off (even though I love reading) to write this post. You may hate me now, but believe me, you'll only hate me more, so save some of that hate for when it's really needed : ) **

There's a moment in everyone's lives that we finally realize that life isn't about happy endings. It isn't about marrying the perfect guy, getting the perfect job, and having the perfect family. It isn't about two kids and a house in the suburbs, nights making dinner and spending time sitting down at dinner. No, one day we all learn that life is about doing things in order to provide for a family. We realize that love is not what it's meant to be and lives can't be saved by a knight in shining armor. Sadly for me, I realized that sooner rather than later.

My mom didn't take the pregnancy idea well. We argued back and forth about abortion, but I stood strong about everything. She hit me a few times when Summer left, but other than that, I got what I wanted. She went back to drinking, Steve just sat there in his own little world, and I went upstairs to my room, pregnant and my lip bleeding. Later that night I was laying on my back, waiting for him. I knew he'd show up because as wrong as it sounded, I knew him. So when I heard the footsteps, I opened my eyes and looked up to see him standing in my doorway. He slowly walked into the room and then sat on the edge of the bed, not looking at me. "It's not mine," He said, his voice weak.

"You can tell yourself that all you want, Steve, but your baby is inside of me," I say, my voice icy. "And there's not a thing that either of us are going to do about that."

"Who have you told?" he asks, not looking at me, but down at his hands instead. I've never seen this side of him, the fragile broken one, and I must admit it was nice.

"Other than Summer, no one," I say quietly, sitting up and looking down at my own hands.

"Are you going to tell anyone else?" he asks, and then turns to look at me finally. What I saw made me lose my breath for a second. He had so much desperation in his eyes, and I knew that I shouldn't feel sorry for him, but I did. Because we all make mistakes and maybe his was a huge one, but we were supposed to forgive mistakes, weren't we? Or maybe not…

I shake my head regardless though and say, "No."

He nods and says, "Thank you…"

"It has nothing to do with you," I say, putting my hand on my stomach where my baby was starting to grow. "This baby is as much part of me as it is you, and because of that, I won't judge it. Because it has a part of me in it, I won't look down on it. And because it is my baby, I wouldn't dare humiliate it with telling the whole world what you did to me. This baby doesn't deserve to be looked down upon, even though people will already do that because of my age."

"So what's your story behind it then? Your mother is such a stupid drunk that she doesn't think of those things…" Steve says with a roll of his eyes aimed towards my mom.

"She probably think it's Ryan's…" I point out.

He sighs and rolls his eyes again. "Right, the boy," He says disgustedly.

"Don't call him that, he at least had the decency to put on a condom," I say with a roll of my own eyes now.

"So you admit you were with him," he says, looking at me with a smirk and raise of his eyebrows.

_The world is treating me bad... Misery  
I'm the kind of guy  
Who never used to cry  
The world is treating me bad... Misery!_

"I never denied it," I point out with a sigh. I imagine being with Ryan again, his arms around me holding me close, his face buried in my neck, leaving a trail of kisses with his lips. I imagine his hands moving down my body and each touch of his leaving a trail of fire in its wake. Steve sighs, obviously upset with the thought of me with someone else. I raise my eyebrows at him and he turns from me, his face made of stone. "Why does this bother you so much?" I ask after a minute, too curious to resist the question.

He shrugs and says, "It doesn't matter."

I stare at him for a second and then say, "So it doesn't bother you that Ryan kissed me…" He flinches slightly and I decide to continue. "That he took off my clothes and I let him, voluntarily, make love to me…"

He's quickly on top of me, pinning me down onto the bed angrily. "Stop right now, little girl," he says, his voice vicious.

I raise my eyebrows and suddenly it hits me. "Oh my God…you like me."

He shakes his head and gets off of me. "No, I do not. You're a little teenager…"

"That didn't stop you before," I say with a roll of my eyes.

He glares at me for a moment before saying, "I don't like you. What would make you think such a thing? For such a pretty girl, you sure are stupid sometimes." I don't let his comment get to me, because I know that deep down Steve likes the idea of his child inside of me…as freaky as that may be.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_I've lost her now for sure  
I won't see her no more  
It's gonna be a drag... Misery!  
I'll remember all the little things we've done  
Can't she see she'll always be the only one, only one_

My mom begrudgingly took me to the doctor's office in September, a little while after school started. I was told that the baby was conceived in mid-July and that I was now almost eight weeks along. My morning sickness only wasn't all that bad; in fact I was told by the doctor that I was one of the lucky ones, especially considering my age. Summer continued to be the only one to know about my current state besides my family, and I was going to keep it that way as long as I could.

In the beginning of October, my baby bump formed. By the end of it, anyone could look at me and see it. It wasn't as big as others, but everyone knew what it was. I was talked about at school, guys smirked at me as I walked by, girls scoffed at me and mouthed 'slut' at me. Seth was away at college, but I still received letters from Ryan at least three times a week. His letters always tore through my heart because as much as I hated it, I was still so deeply in love with him. There was a part of me that wished the baby growing inside of me was a mixture of mine and Ryan's love, not Steve's lust and my pain. But I was beginning to learn that you don't always get what you want.

_Dear Marissa,_

_I don't know what to think. It's been what, four months and still no letter from you? If Seth hadn't said you'd gone by to see him and the Cohens in July, I would've thought you'd died. The Cohens say they see you around occasionally in the car with your mom and Steve, but they never actually see all of you. Why aren't you visiting them like you said you would? Why aren't you writing me? Why do you have so many cuts and bruises on your face? I can't help you if you don't tell me what the problem is, and I can't know what the problem is if you don't write to me. Please, I love you, I want to know what's happening with you._

_Sometimes when it's quiet at night, right before I fall asleep, I think of me and you. I remember the way when you smiled, my heart raced so fast that I thought I was having a heart attack. I think about how when you're with me, it makes me feel like I belong here in this world with everyone, especially you. There's something about you, some kind of magical quality that just keeps pulling me back. I can't live without you. Why can't you see that?_

_Anxiously awaiting your letter,_

_Your cute bus boy_

One day Steve walked in while I was reading a letter and just stared at me from the doorway, his eyes curious, his body relaxed. I looked up at him and ask, "What do you want?" My tone isn't icy for once, just tired and defeated like it is every time I finish reading a letter that Ryan writes to me.

"Lover boy still isn't giving up?" he asks, his voice not annoyed for once.

I shake my head and say, "You'd think he gets the picture after all this time." I sigh and look down at the letter. "We promised to write to each other every day, did you know that? We were going to get married when I got old enough, and have a family together. He was going to build our house because he wants to become an architect, and I was going to stay home and take care of our kids. He said he'd make sure I never have to work a day in my life." I keep my eyes dry and finger the rings he gave me that are on my fingers. "And now here I am, pregnant with my stepdad-to-be's baby, beaten daily, and he still believes that we somehow have a chance."

Steve is quiet for a little while, just staring at me with those piercing eyes of his. If I look close enough at him, I see that he could pass off for someone reasonably attractive. Sure he's going bald, and could probably use a dentist, but he doesn't have a beer belly, and he's tall enough to stand out in a crowd. His eyes are a light grey and his nose isn't overly huge or small. He's an average man with a somewhat evil spirit. "So you've given up on you two?" He asks after a while.

I shrug and ask, "What kind of future can me and him have? Even if he does get over the fact that I'm pregnant with someone else's baby, and forgives the fact that I haven't written him or seen his family like I promised to…" I trail off and let out a small sigh. "Even if that happens, I don't deserve him. He deserves to have a better life than the one I have to offer him. A girl who isn't as messed up as me…someone who doesn't have you in their life." I look up into Steve's grey eyes and he hides his emotions from me.

"For the record," He turns to leave. "You're making the right decision." Then he walks away, leaving me to stare at the empty doorway.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

One at the end of November, I was laying down on my back in the living room when suddenly I felt this small flutter in the lower part of my stomach. I put my hand down on the same spot and wait a moment, then feel something hit up against it. "Mom, Steve…come feel this!" I shout, getting excited. I stand up and feel my baby kick again. I laugh happily for the first time since Ryan left back in June and feel tears come to my eyes.

My mom had taken me to the doctor a couple of days ago and she'd asked if I wanted to know the sex of the baby. I was thrilled to be able to find out something like that and said yes. Turns out I was going to have a baby boy. I feel him the small flutter again and say, "You're quite the active one today aren't you, little one?" I hear the doorbell ring and sigh. Soon I realized I was the only one home and that I needed to go answer the door myself. I feel my baby boy flutter again and smile, then walk to the front door. I open it, expecting it to be Summer, so I say, "You won't believe what he just started doing…"

"What?" I heard a woman's voice ask, but it wasn't Summer. I gulp and then look up to find Kirsten's motherly blue eyes staring at me with curiosity, accusation, and concern. She looks down at my hand on my abdomen and then her eyes look up into mine again, devoid of emotion.

If that's how she wants to be, then two can play that game. I wipe the emotion from my face, an easy thing to do now, and ask, "What are you doing here?"

"I think the question we should ask is why have you been hiding from Ryan?" She says, the defensive motherly part of her coming out. I sigh and move aside for her to come in. She walks into the house and looks around curiously. "I've never been here before," She comments. She stops at an old baby picture of mine and says, "You were a cute baby."

"Thank you," I say, trying to keep my tone polite. I feel the baby kick and bite my lip to prevent a smile from forming.

Kirsten continues to walk through the house slowly on her way to the living room. When we get there she finally says, "Ryan talks so much about you in his letters. That boy loves you, you know." She smiles a little at me, but there's a certain bitterness to her face.

"I know," I say quietly, looking down at my hand rested on my growing stomach. I'm wondering what Kirsten is thinking. Probably that I'm pregnant with Ryan's baby and am not writing to him because I'm scared or something.

"It's always, Marissa this and Marissa that. He loves you so much to even talk about you in letters to us, when he wouldn't even bring other girls to the house," She says, her voice skeptical of her son's actions. "And you don't even have the decency to write him back."

I nod and say, "I'm sorry."

_Send her back to me  
Cos everyone can see  
Without her I will be in misery  
I'll remember all the little things we've done  
She'll remember and she'll miss her only one, lonely one_

My voice is more broken than I want it to be and she immediately softens. "Seth said you came by, back in July. We've tried to call you since, to find out what's happened, but you're not taking our calls."

I shake my head and say, "I'm fine now, really."

She looks down at my stomach and says, "You don't look fine. Marissa, you have cuts on your faces, your arms are bruised, and you're pregnant."

"I'm fine," I repeat, looking at her for a long moment. "Really."

"Then how come I don't believe you?" She asks, her eyes boring holes into my body, just like Ryan's used to. Suddenly I want to cry about everything and to have her hold me and tell me it will be okay, but I know that's not going to happen.

"I don't know," I say with a shrug. "But it really is fine, so you can go now…"

"Marissa, what happened to you?" She asks, her voice motherly and worried. She knows me and what makes me break. She's actually fighting for me.

I take in a deep breath and then say, "Nothing happened to me. I am fine. I'm alive, I'm well. Sure maybe I have some problems with my coordination and fall every once in a while, which explains the cuts and bruises on my face..." I give a fake laugh at my supposed clumsiness. "But all in all, I'm fine."

"Marissa I…" She starts, but is interrupted by the front door opening.

"Marissa, I'm home!" I hear Steve shout out. I swallow hard and stare at Kirsten for a long moment before I hear footsteps walk towards us. "Where are you? Your mom told me that you're craving pickles and chocolate ice cream, which I have to say is kind of disgusting to shop for and imagine you eating it…" He enters the living room and sees Kirsten, then stops. "Um…may I help you?" He asks, his eyes immediately getting defensive. He glances over at me and asks silently if I've told her everything. I shake my head a little and he looks back at Kirsten.

"Steve, this is Kirsten, and Kirsten, this is my mom's fiancé Steve…" I say, a formal introduction of the two.

"Oh, I've heard so much about you," Steve says in that weird charm he has. He smiles and sticks out his free hand, some grocery bags in the other.

Kirsten stares at his hand but doesn't shake it. He pulls his hand back slowly and she says, "I was just going to leave…."

"You don't have to…" Steve says, his grey eyes sparkling a little from his happiness of her leaving. I roll my eyes and then look at Kirsten who is staring at Steve as if he's some kind of bug that should be squashed.

"But I should," She says, and then turns to me. She stares at me for a moment, her eyes saying that our talk isn't over, and then she says, "Ryan called us the other day. He asked if I thought he should call you, and I said it was a good idea. He comes home on December 20."

I feel my heart skip a beat at the thought of Ryan being here again and say, "Oh…he hasn't said anything in his letters…" I ignore the Ryan calling me idea.

"He wanted it to be a surprise," She says softly, her head tilting in a way that reminds me of Ryan's. I close my eyes for a second, fighting back the emotion, and then open my eyes again and my face is blank.

"Oh, well, looks like you ruined the surprise," I joke, but my heart isn't in it, and Kirsten knows that.

I look and see that Steve has gone to the kitchen, not liking talk about Ryan. Kirsten grabs her purse and says, "You'll probably be the first person he comes to see. Sometimes I wonder if he loves you more than all of his family combined."

I shake my head and say, "He loves you guys so much. He just wants your approval."

"No, he only wants yours," She says, and then she turns away and says, "I'll walk myself out."

I watch her go, and then feel Steve come up behind me and put an arm around me. I flinch a little and he whispers into my ear, "Wasn't a nice visit, was it?"

I shake my head and quietly say, "No, it wasn't."

"You'll learn how to go on," he says, and then walks away. I wonder if what he says is true, and if I even want to.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Send her back to me  
Cos everyone can see  
Without her I will be in misery (Oh oh oh)  
In misery (Ooh ee ooh ooh)  
My misery (La la la la la la)_

The next night I hear my phone ring and go to answer it when I see who it is. Ryan. I bite my lip and ignore the call, going downstairs to see what my mom is doing. She stares at the TV blankly so I decide not to go near her, but find myself walking towards the kitchen, suddenly starving. I get my pickles and chocolate ice cream, then hear the house phone ring. I go to answer it with my food in my hands when I see Steve pick up the phone and say, "Hello." He glares and then disgustedly says, "Oh, it's you." He looks at me and I can tell right away that it's Ryan. My heart beat quickens to unreasonable speeds and the baby starts to kick, sensing my queasiness.

I shake my head, feeling that I'm not strong enough to talk to Ryan. He nods and smirks, then says, "No, Marissa isn't here, but if you want me to take a message…." He rolls his eyes and puts the phone on speakerphone.

"What are you doing to her?" I hear Ryan ask, and it takes everything in me to remain silent and not speak to him. If I did, it would break his heart. I remind myself that everything I'm doing is best for Ryan in the long run. He doesn't need me or my problems anymore.

"I am not doing anything to her, but if you want to accuse me, maybe I could just hang up…" Steve says with a long, dramatic sigh, acting bored. I know that in actuality he's enjoying tormenting Ryan.

"Kirsten says she's pregnant," Ryan says, ignoring Steve's previous statement. "Is that true?"

Steve looks down at my stomach and says, "She has put on a little weight…" I glare at him and he stifles a laugh.

"Don't play games with me," Ryan says, his voice angry.

"I don't believe any games are being played here. I have never been much for games, other than golf of course…" Steve says, annoying Ryan even more.

"Where is she?" he asks, wanting to talk to me again.

"She doesn't seem to be anywhere near me, and I don't keep track of her whereabouts. You know what it's like to be a teenager. You guys just don't want to be followed around.." Steve says.

"If I found out you're doing anything to her, I will hunt you down and kill you," Ryan threatens, his voice a low growl. I open my eyes in shock, but Steve doesn't seem to care about Ryan much.

"Uh huh, sure you will," Steve says with a small laugh.

"I will," Ryan replies, his voice icy.

"Because you're here to save her so much, right?" He looks around again, even though Ryan can't see him and says, "Well, I don't see you anywhere around here, and when you are it's for what…two weeks right? Do you really think that Marissa would love you if you kill another man? Assuming that she still does in fact love you."

"She does love me," Ryan says, but his voice is tired.

"She loves you so much that she doesn't write, doesn't accept your calls, and doesn't go to see your family," Steve says sardonically. "Right, that's true love for you."

"You said she was out," Ryan says, and I can imagine him grinding his teeth together to keep from punching something.

"Oh, right," Steve says, acting like he forgot. "Whoops."

"She's there isn't she?" Ryan asks. "Right now, listening?"

"I should really go, I have to call my mother," Steve lies, laughing his evil little laugh.

"Marissa?" Ryan says, his voice suddenly changing to loving and concerned. "Marissa, I don't care what's going on with you, I don't care whether you answer my calls or you write me back because I love you and I want to be with you—"

"Bye, bye Ryan," Steve says, and then hangs up the phone. He looks over at me and sees that I'm crying. He sighs and says, "Little girl, stop crying."

"I'm a horrible person," I say through my tears.

He sighs and says, "It's better for the boy, and you know that."

"Then how come I feel so horrible?" I ask angrily.

"Because you want him, and you don't care what's best for him," he says, his eyes challenging me.

"Don't you dare say that to me," I say, my voice growing angrier and angrier.

"Marissa Cooper, you are a very selfish little girl. You think life is all about love and happily ever afters, but it's not. People love and get hurt. This isn't unfair, it's life," Steve spits at me.

"No, that's your life, it doesn't have to be mine," I say with my eyes narrowed at him.

He lifts his arm and hits me across the face hard, sending me to the ground. I glare up at him from the spot that I'm at and he says, "If you won't learn it on your own, I'll teach the lesson to you. You go with that boy, that baby in your stomach will be killed, do you understand me?"

I continue to glare at him and say, "You wouldn't."

He laughs and says, "It only takes a couple of wrong kicks, little girl. And if that doesn't do the job, it will surely send you into early labor, and do you really think that your precious darling son can live at only this many months? He'll be dead by the end of the night." He laughs his evil laugh and says, "Just face it, you've lost."

I stared up at him for a moment before getting up and saying, "Fine," sealing my destiny once and for all.

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**Hmm, I'm going to start assigning homework. Your homework for this chapter is to go onto itunes and buy Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Yes, it will cost you all of four dollars, but I love it : )**

Reviewer of the Chapter: **ryanfan**

Individual:

**Girlz-Rule:** That's not nice, lol. Hmm, intelligent conversation…how about, do you believe in love at first sight? Thank you for your good wishes, even though I didn't get to meet Gabe : (

**francesfresh007**: March 22. Now it's set in November. But Ryan's coming back the next chapter, so it will be set in December the next three chapters. After that it will skip forward about five months. It will remain in May for three chapters. After that it will skip over about six months in a chapter, showing stuff that's happening in Marissa's life. The last chapter will take place in the January of Marissa's junior year in high school.

**Juzzy88**: Ryan will be back in the next chapter.

**G** – Sorry, but Ryan will not be murdering Steve, lol.

**Ryan and Marissa 4Ever 2 : **Ryan's reaction will be in the next chapter.

**sailaway: **What can I say, look at Romeo and Juliet. My grandma tried to get help from her own family and some friends, but she couldn't be helped. And my grandma had it so much worse than Marissa does. Her mom abused her from the age of three. The abuse included mental and physical abuse, calling her a whore, etc. She was whipped, stabbed, hit, kicked, etc. I'm not really sure yet how I'm going to get Marissa to deal with telling Ryan about how she got pregnant. But it won't change what happens in the overall ending. I will tell you though that one way or another, you guys will get a happy ending. Just not the way that you expect to.

**CohenNAtwood: **Yep.

**najeda: **He'll be here in the next chapter.

**elly: **Ryan wants to save her, but you never know how things like this will play out…

**ryanfan: **As I said earlier, save your hate, you'll need it ; )

**captain oats 3**: Ryan will be back in the next chapter.

**Nichole: **Ryan saves Marissa, but not in a way you may think.

**BlueDepths: **Yes, I am writing like this because it's the way it happened. As much as some people may think, I am not doing this just to torment you guys. It happened this way

**Ally: **Well, she didn't exactly talk to him…but she heard him…


	34. No Reply

**A/N Song used: No Reply by the Beatles. Hehe, just thinking of what your reactions will be to this chapter makes me giggle (btw, I love that word). Anyways, if you're really, really good, there may be a post…or maybe two…ready for you very, very soon. R/R cause I love my reviews and wonderful reviewers.**

Ryan began to write me more letters than usual. I received at least five a week, sometimes more. His letters were always pretty much the same thing. He wanted me to know that he loved me, not matter what was going on. It made me tear up sometimes, and other times I just rolled my eyes at my life and how messed up it was. But not once did I have the nerve to throw one of his letters away. I kept it in a box with lollypops that he'd given me while he was still here. I don't know why, but I kept them instead of eating them. I always had this weird nagging feeling that I would want to save them and appreciate it someday.

_Dear Marissa,_

_Six months without you? Do you know how hard that is? Without your smile, laugh, kiss, even just a simple touch. Just seeing you would be enough, but I can't have any of those things. The one thing that I could have from you is a letter and you won't even give me that. Are you angry at me or something? Are you really pregnant? Are we going to have a baby together? Marissa, I need to know. I need you more than I thought before, and this is all some big mistake. I can't be without you. I've told you that I don't know how many times. When will you finally understand that?_

_I love you,_

_Ryan_

My mom continued drinking to the point of passing out and Steve still occasionally hit me whenever he felt like it. But my baby was safe and that's really all I cared about. Summer would go with me to school and roll her eyes at everyone who would gossip about me. Sometimes she'd turn to me and ask, "Why did you go through with it?"

"With what?" I'd ask, but know just what she meant.

"With the pregnancy. I mean, I know you don't believe in abortion or anything, but I'm sure that you can make a few exceptions every once in a while. Especially when the baby wasn't made voluntarily," Summer said, and that's usually the point that we either sat down for lunch or arrived at our lockers.

I would shrug and say, "My baby may not have been made voluntarily, but that doesn't make it any less of a person. What his father did has nothing to do with what kind of person he'll be or whether he deserves a chance in the world. He's still a person, one that will breathe and cry. If that's true, then why should I kill him?"

And that's when she'd shut up.

One conversation with Summer about school was interesting. Harbor has a policy that if someone's pregnant, then they will be expelled. Summer asked me about it one day. "How are you still going here anyways? Isn't there a rule against your current situation?" She asked, looking down at my still growing belly.

I shrugged and said, "I don't really know. Steve pulled some strings. It was the least he could do, considering everything." I too looked down at my belly now and sighed. Just then my baby started kicking and I smiled. He always knew a way of making me feel better, just like Ryan used to. Just like I wished Ryan could still do for me.

_Dear Marissa,_

_I've been meaning to write this and I just remembered; you didn't return my call. I called your cell, left a message, and then called the house and your idiot of a stepfather (or almost stepfather) answered. I know you were listening, so why didn't you talk to me? Are you angry at me or something? I'm sorry if I ever made you angry or sad or left you alone to deal with things because you have to believe me when I say that wasn't my intention at all. I love you, I don't know how many times I have to say that until you get it in your head. I'll protect you, but you have to let me. Please._

_Desperately Missing You,_

_Ryan_

_**This happened once before,  
When I came to your door,  
No reply.  
They said it wasn't you,  
But I saw you peep through your window,  
I saw the light, I saw the light,  
I know that you saw me,  
'cause I looked up to see your face.**_**  
**

Ryan's message he left on my phone probably hurt more than when I heard him on the phone. His voice was so broken and desperate as he spoke. It made me want to reach into the phone and hold him in my arms, kiss him until he forgot that I ever abandoned him, make love to him until we both can't anymore. It made me wish that the baby inside of me was his, that we could have a happy little life, but I knew none of those things were going to happen. But I listened to his voice every night right before I fall asleep.

"Marissa…it's me. Look, I don't know what's going on anymore between us, but I want you to know that I…God, Marissa, how can you not know I love you? How can you not know something like that? And if you do, then why are you doing this to me? Do you want to make me upset? Is that what you really want from all of this? Just a way to break my heart? Because I'm telling you, if it is, then you've won already. Kirsten says you're pregnant, Seth says you're all messed up with bruises and scratches. This wasn't how things were supposed to go for us. What happened to the house I built for us and our children while we grow old together? What happened to everything we'd ever promised each other? I love you. Please tell me you know that."

Right now it's December 19, the day before Ryan is supposed to come home. His letters stopped a couple of days ago. The box under my bed is now full of those wonderfully hard to read letters. Summer is over and we're watching a The Valley marathon. It makes me shed a few tears every now and then because Ryan and I used to watch that together occasionally. I sigh and Summer turns to me and puts a hand on my leg supportively. "It'll all be okay, Coop," She says softly.

I shrug and wipe away a few tears. "Sure it will, but how long will it take until it's okay? A day, a week, a month…a year?" I shed a few more tears thinking about Ryan and then say, "I can't be with him, but I don't know how to be without him."

"Maybe you don't need to be," Summer said after a long minute. I look at her and give her a look that tells her that's not possible. "Come on, you guys can find a way to work. You know he's going to want to talk to you, and what are you going to do? Avoid him?"

"Well.." I start, but Summer glares at me and hits me with a pillow.

"Coop!" She exclaims.

"Ow, remember we have a baby on board," I say, rubbing my belly.

She rolls her eyes and says, "That kid better get used to it. ANYWAYS.." She sighs and then says, "You can't just avoid Ryan. The guy's in love with you, and you kind of haven't spoken to him in six months. He deserves to know the truth…" I give her another look and she says, "Or at least a good story that will have him believe you and walk away."

"It's not that simple. Ryan isn't that simple," I say, running a hand through my hair.

"Well, then get ready for it to be difficult," Summer says. I turn and glare at her and she glares right on back. "Oh no you don't. I am your friend and as your friend I order you to talk to the boy."

I roll my eyes and say, "First of all he's not a boy, he's older than both of us, and secondly you have no right to order me around."

She shakes her head and says, "Yes I do. He loves you, Marissa. He loves you so much that he writes you a letter at least three times a week for six months even when he doesn't receive a reply. He loves you enough to threaten to kill Steve, which is hot by the way," I roll my eyes, "And he loves you enough to still want to work it out with you, no matter what happens. If that isn't true love, then I don't know what is."

I sigh and stare at the screen for a long moment before saying, "Fine."

"So you'll talk to him?" She asks with a triumphant smile.

I sigh and nod. She starts to get happy, but I stop her by saying, "But not yet. I will talk to him within the next week, but I'm not ready just yet."

She raises her eyebrows and says, "Six months isn't long enough?"

I glare again and say, "Cool it."

She rolls her eyes and lays down on her back, completely forgetting about the show. "Fine."

I lay down on my back too and sigh long and slow. "This week is going to suck."

She nods and says, "Tell me about it."

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_**I tried to telephone,  
They said that you weren't home,  
That's a lie,  
'cause I know where you've been,  
I saw you walk in your door,  
I nearly died, I nearly died,  
'cause you walked hand in hand  
With another man in my place.  
**_

The next day at about three I hear a knock on the front door. Steve just so happens to be here, thank God, and gets up from the couch in the living room to go answer it. We were both watching some random show on TV, talking about baby names. Since my mom was out and about with the rest of the Newpsies of Newport, we decided now was a good time to take advantage of getting our baby duties out of the way. I had managed to forget what today was, which turned out to make my day a lot easier to deal with. I sigh and sit there waiting for Steve to come back, when I hear him say, "What are you doing here?"

Then I hear a voice that still managed to make my body go crazy say, "I need to talk to her. I need to know what's going on."

"Well, she's not here right now. She went out with her mom for something," Steve says with a sigh. I go over to the window on the other side of the door and Steve sees me out of the corner of his eye. He makes sure Ryan can't see on this side and for that I'm grateful.

"Do you know when she'll be back?" I hear Ryan ask. I become adventurous and peak out the window to see him right there in the doorway. The sight of him makes me lose my breath. I want to reach out and touch him, to kiss him and never break away from him, but I know that's a stupid wish to have.

Steve shrugs and says, "Those women tend to go places and take hours on end without calling or telling me what they're doing. I don't keep tabs on them."

"I'll be back tomorrow," Ryan says, and then walks away. I continue to peak out the window, missing him after being so long without him. He stands straighter than before, and he's more than ever from working out outside all the time. I touch my hand to the glass and he gets into the car. He looks back at the house one more time, and his eyes connect with mine for a second. He stares at me for a long moment before I back away and head back to the living room.

When I get there I see Steve sitting already, waiting for me. Without looking up from his hands he says, "I'm thinking that Gary is a good name."

"Gary," I repeat, trying it out for myself. I sit down and lean back, trying to get the image of Ryan's broken face out of my head.

"Yeah, I've always wanted my son to be named that," He says quietly. I look up at him to see him watching me curiously, trying to judge my feelings. It makes me feel naked in front of him, but not in the literal sense. I don't know which is worse. "So," He starts.

"Don't even bring it up," I beg him softly. I feel tears begin to form in my eyes and blink rapidly to keep them back. I've always hated crying in front of people, especially Steve.

"Are you going to talk to him?" He asks, raising his eyebrows, silently reminding me of our agreement.

I nod and say, "Eventually I'll have to."

He sighs and says, "You remember our agreement, right?"

I nod and say, "Yes, Steve, I remember your threats to our child." I cringe at the word, 'our,' only having ever wanted to say that about Ryan, the guy I had to break it off with in a couple of days. I sigh and close my eyes, fighting the tears again. "But he needs to know that it's over."

"He doesn't get the picture yet?" Steve asks with a smirk, obviously pleased to see that he's beaten Ryan.

I glare at him and say, "No, Steve, doesn't look like he's gotten the picture yet."

"Don't have to be so defensive. I swear you and your mood swings…" Steve says, getting up and laughing his triumphant little laugh. I glare and throw the pillow on the couch at him. "I'll let that slide this once," He says, and then gives me a look that makes me understand not to throw anything at him anymore.

Later that night I'm in my room when I hear my cell phone ring. I sigh and answer it without looking to see who it is, figuring it's Summer asking me how the day went. "Hello?" I ask tiredly, playing with a strand of my hair.

"Marissa, don't hang up," I hear Ryan plead on the other end. All of my senses go into overdrive and my heart starts to beat hard in my chest.

"Ryan, I can't talk right now," I say, my voice breaking. I curse myself for being so vulnerable.

"Marissa, why won't you talk to me?" He asks, his voice sad and broken as well. "I don't understand it."

"I'm kind of busy right now, so um, bye.." I say, about to hang up, but then I hear his voice on the other end and I can't help but listen to him.

"I know you saw me, and I know you still love me. You wouldn't look at me like that if you didn't still love me, I know that. And I don't know what's going on but I do know that no matter what you say or anyone else says, we love each other and that's enough," He says quickly, trying to get it all out before I hang up. "And you haven't hung up on me yet which means you want to know what I have to say…." He says, a hint of a smile in his voice.

"Ryan…" I say tiredly, rubbing my eyes with my free hand.

"Tomorrow, I'll pick you up and we'll go to the diner and have some breakfast. After that I'll take you back to your house and we can talk. How does that sound?" He asks, his voice slightly happy that I haven't hung up on him yet.

I sigh and much to my dismay ask, "What time?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**If I were you I'd realize that I  
Love you more than any other guy,  
And I'll forgive the lies that I  
Heard before when you gave me no reply.  
**_

He doesn't comment on my stomach, and he doesn't lean in to kiss me like I know he's dying to. He doesn't hug me, but does take my hand because that's something we've always done. He doesn't ask why my right eye is swollen shut, or why there are fresh cuts and bruises sprinkled across my body. He doesn't even ask me how I am doing, but just starts talking about everything yet nothing at the same time.

"I think I would want to move to Texas in the future," He says at one point as we eat pancakes, looking up from his plate at me. Actually, he never even looked down at his plate, or tore his eyes away from me at all. I look around and see quite a few people staring at us and whispering to each other. I roll my eyes and sigh, not saying anything about Texas or a future, just look back down at my food and cut another piece of pancake to eat. When Ryan sees I'm not going to speak he says, "Remember when we first came here?"

Finally, the first words I've spoken the twenty minutes from when he picked me up until now I quietly say, "Ryan, don't."

He ignores me and says, "Five questions, remember?"

I look up into his eyes now and see them sparkling from memory. I had missed those blue eyes of his, and find myself slowly getting lost in them. "Ryan, please," I whimper.

"And my last question was 'what are you running from?' and you wouldn't give me a straight answer," He says, his smile now completely gone. "I went to bed that night wondering what you could be running from, and vowed to myself that I would save you and make you stop running."

"Ryan, stop, now," I say, looking deep into his eyes, into those places that he only lets me into.

He ignores me again and takes my hand in his, then starts running his thumb over the top of my hand. I close my eyes and let myself feel those familiar feelings; electricity, warmth, rapid heart beat, and butterflies. "And for a while it worked," He says quietly, his voice just above a whisper. "But now we're here again for the first time after a long period of time, and you're running again."

He's quiet for a long time and I take it as my turn to say, "Nothing good is going to come from this."

"So nothing good can come from this.." He murmurs, and then leans over and presses his lips against mine. And for five seconds I let myself get lost with him. We explore familiar places, experience those forgotten feelings, relive a time when a kiss like this would lead to something so sacred and passionate that we'd lose complete control. But then I felt something, and it had nothing to do with Ryan. I felt a familiar fluttering in the bottom of my stomach; my baby kicking. And with that I realized that things would never be the same with Ryan and I. That even though I wanted them to, and he wanted them to, things were going to change. That there was really no escaping what held me back from him this time.

With tears in my eyes I pulled away and say, "Ryan, we need to talk."

He nods and says, "Okay." He sees the tears in my eyes and gives me a small smile, putting his hand on the side of my face and rubbing it tenderly. "Hey, it's going to be okay."

When we get back to my house, I close the door behind us and am grateful that neither my mom or Steve are going to be here until tonight. This gives me and Ryan a privacy that we wouldn't have otherwise had, and gives me the space to do what needs to be done. I turn and see Ryan staring at me nervously, his hands deep in his pockets. I'm about to speak when he puts a finger to my lips and says, "I want to get something off my chest." I remain quiet and he continues.

"Look, all the time that I was gone, I just kept thinking of you. There didn't go five minutes that you weren't on my mind. And maybe that's pathetic to some, but to me it means that I love you that much." He looks deeply into my eyes, hypnotizing me just like he always used to. He puts his hands on the side of my face, tucking the strands of my hair behind my ears and tilts his head in that loving way of his. "And when I was gone, it got me thinking a lot of the future and how much I really want to spend it with you…" He trails off and then smiles a little. "And then Kirsten said you were pregnant.."

I blink rapidly, trying to hold back the tears that keep springing to my eyes. "Ryan…" I murmur, not sure how to explain to him that I'm not pregnant with his child. I figured that he was upset about me being pregnant regardless. But despite my best intentions, I couldn't say anything else.

He smiles widely and says, "And when she told me that…" He trails off and looks so deeply into my eyes that my knees go weak. "When she told me that I could imagine it, every part of it. Me and you raising our baby together, married and happy. I could see us in our house and a little baby running around that's the perfect blend of me and you, and I don't know…I loved the vision, Marissa…"

He trails off and then takes in a large gulp of air before saying, "And ever since then, there's been something I want to ask you." He takes his hands away from my face and grabs onto my left hand where I still was wearing the promise ring. Now I wish I had taken it off. He thumbs it for a minute, and then gets down on one knee…

"Wh-what are you doing?" I ask, my eyes open wide with shock.

He looks up into my eyes, his eyes sparkling with love and happiness, and then asks, "Marissa Cooper, will you marry me?"

_**I've tried to telephone,  
They said you were not home,  
That's a lie,  
'cause I know where you've been,  
I saw you walk in your door,  
I nearly died, I nearly died,  
'cause you walked hand in hand  
With another man in my place.  
No reply, no reply**_

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**Reviewer of the Chapter: **leytonfan911

**Individual: **

**Ryan and Marissa Atwood 4ever: **Hmm, real life Steve is a child molester. He has his picture and everything on the internet. The most time he did was six months, but I won't make Steve do that cause things are different now than back then. Laws are a lot stricter, and people listen to women more.

**Leytonfan911: **Leyton are awesome : ) Haha, no, there's not going to be a Steve death scene.

**Girlz-Rule: **My favorite guy was also Sam. I honestly don't believe in love at first sight. I believe that maybe you can feel a very strong attraction for somebody, or feel some kind of connection, but love? No. Real love takes a lot of work, or else it wouldn't be worth it.

**Francesfresh007: **But no one ever really cares about the real story now do they?

**ryanfan: **Aw, you don't hate me yet. Believe me, save the hate : ) Hmm, let's take a look at your question for a second. A) The intro says you're going to cry B) The story is marked as tragedy C) I've met real life Steve D) I've never met real life Ryan. So do YOU think the story is going to end up with them together? I will say that my grandma sees him occasionally, but it's not how you might think.

**G - **You're the one that didn't reply to my email! And here I thought you were avoiding me or something… : (

**Sailaway: **Haha, feel free to vent. My grandma was fourteen, pregnant, with no idea what birth control was. So that's why Marissa didn't use it with Steve, cause my grandma didn't. Robert (that's real Ryan's name btw) and my grandma occasionally see each other, but as I told ryanfan, it's not like you may think.

**BlueDepths: **There will be a lot of darkness in the near future.

**Juzzy88: **Hehe, how'd you like Ryan's handle on things so far?

**Ally: **Yeah, I wish I'd seen Journey. But I get to see The Eagles on September 8 which will be fun cause I love them. Dolly isn't too bad, I only get the rain. And that ended a while ago.


	35. Oh! Darling

**A/N Song used: Oh! Darling by The Beatles. I expected you guys to freak out with the last line of the last chapter, and you didn't disappoint. Let's see how much you like this one, and I am kind of hoping for a lot of reviews like last time, but I won't get my hopes up. I burned my fingers the other day and that's one reason why I didn't post again yesterday. Something ironic for you guys..I was watching the earthquake episodes of OC yesterday with my friend as the real one in Chino Hills was occuring. Pretty weird huh? R/R and enjoy!**

_"Marissa Cooper, will you marry me?"  
_  
After I heard those words, it was like the world just stopped. Ryan stared up at me for a long time, on his knee, a nervous smile on his face. Then after a while his smile kind of faded and he said, "I did say what I thought I did right? That wasn't all just in my head?"

"No, you said it," I say quietly. I sigh and pull my hand away from his slowly, avoiding his eye. "Um, I need to sit down."

He leads me over to the couch and I sit there and stare off into space, totally at a loss of what to say. After a while of just sitting there, I say, "I need some water."

Ryan nods and goes to get me some, remembering where to go from when he would come over here. He brought back some water and held it to my mouth, letting me sip a little bit. I didn't say anything still, but looked up into his concerned eyes to see that he was still hoping I'd say yes. He set the water down on a coaster and then sat on the very strong and sturdy coffee table. "So let me get this straight," I begin, looking off into space. "You leave for six months, I don't write, don't answer your calls, and avoid you the first day you get back…you hear that I'm pregnant, and after all of that, you still want to marry me?"

He nods and says, "More than anything."

I don't look at him, just remain looking at a speck on the wall. "It's not yours," I say quietly.

"What isn't mine?" he asks, but we both know what I'm talking about.

"The baby…it isn't yours," I repeat softly, still refusing to look at him.

"Is it his?" He asks, his voice suddenly a lot weaker than it was before. I see his eyes looking everywhere, him clenching his jaw to keep from getting too angry around me.

This was the moment that I'd been dreading for forever. I didn't want to tell him who's baby it was because he didn't need to know. But Ryan wouldn't give up that easily. He wouldn't leave me here with Steve if he knew what happened. Steve would be killed and then my baby would have no one. "It doesn't matter who he belongs to. He's my baby and that's all that you need to know," I say softly, looking away from him.

_Oh! Darling, please believe me  
I'll never do you no harm  
Believe me when I tell you  
I'll never do you no harm_

"He?" Ryan asks, his voice breaking.

I nod and quietly whisper, "It's a boy."

Ryan stands and paces back and forth, his hand running over the top of his head. I take the time to look at him, like really look at him, for the first time since he arrived. He's wearing a black long sleeved shirt over a wife beater. His muscles only seemed to get more toned as he went away, and I wondered what he looked like without any clothes on at all. I cursed myself for thinking about it, knowing I probably would never get to see him that way again. That thought cut into my heart so sharply that I whimpered in pain for a moment. Ryan immediately turned to me and asks, "Are you okay?" I nod but don't say anything. Ryan comes back over to me and sits on the coffee table. "What happened to you?" He asks quietly, taking one of my hands into his. The knife in my heart gets twisted and I close my eyes to fight off the massive pain.

"You left," I finally murmur after a few minutes. I look into his eyes and see that it hurt him to hear me say those two words, cutting deep into him just like him being here is doing to me. His hair no longer falls into his eyes like I used to love, and he looks extremely tired. A part of me wonders if I'm the cause of that, or if it was just getting up so early at the training camp. Who am I kidding, the problem was me.

"I know, and I'm sorry for that," He murmurs, avoiding my eyes. He looks down at our hand together and rubs his thumb over the top of mine. I know that I should take away my hand and stay as far from him as possible, but I also know that's pretty much impossible whenever he's around.

I shrug and say, "I'm fine enough."

He shakes his head and says, "No, Marissa, you're not." He stares at me for a long moment and it annoys me that he just swoops in here and thinks that I'm not okay. Granted, I'm not, but I'm having a mood swing and him telling me that I'm not fine is really making it worse.

I pull my hands from his and cross it over my chest. "I am too fine," I say, pouting and acting like a little kindergartener.

Ryan looks at me confusedly and says, "No, you're not…" He stares at me, trying to comprehend the sudden change in me.

I shake my head and look away from him. "No, I'm not and you have no right to come in here and say it. You left me alone with everyone for six months and I have learned to be okay on my own. I got pregnant and such, but I can still be okay on my own…"

_Oh! Darling, if you leave me  
I'll never make it alone  
Believe me when I beg you  
Don't ever leave me alone_

Ryan must guess that it's no use arguing with me on that subject so he asks, "How many months pregnant are you?"

"Five," I say, refusing to look into his eyes.

"Five," He repeats.

I nod and say, "Yes, five. As in five months. As in one month after you left this happened to me." I finally look up into those wonderful eyes of his and say, "I know that's what you're thinking."

"If I hadn't left, none of this would've happened," He says with a sigh, running his hand over his head again. I wonder if his short hair is as soft as it appears to be. I start to lift my hand, but then let it fall back to its position once again. No need to make things more complicated than they really are, and stroking the love of your life's head when you try to break up with him isn't exactly making things easier.

I nod and say, "Yeah, you're right." He looks at me like I just sucker punched him in the stomach and I add, "But that's not what's important. What's done is done and there's nothing we can do to change that."

"Doesn't make me feel any better," He mumbles.

"I didn't intend it to," Is my reply.

We just stare at each other for a long time and then Ryan reaches out his hand and strokes my face, staring at the bruises. I pull away but he keeps at it, continuing to assess my injuries. "You never told me it was this bad," He says quietly.

"It didn't used to be," I remind him.

"Well, you could've written me," he says, looking up into my eyes now. His hold a raw anger, but I know he'll never hurt me, so I'm not afraid.

"I was too busy being pregnant," I say bitterly, looking down at my arms.

He sighs and then softly says, "I'm sorry. I feel like this is all my fault…"

"It's not your fault. We don't choose who we fall in love with. You just happened to fall in love with the wrong person," I say, looking into his eyes now. I try to convey that I didn't mean to do this to him, that he'll be better without me. I try to explain that I really love him and that this is all for his own good.

He shakes his head and against my will takes my hands into his. He gets down on his knees and says, "No, you can never believe that."

"But you need to," I murmur, my voice barely audible. I try to look away from him but his eyes bore holes into me and I can't help but stare into them like I used to. Like I've been longing to since he left.

"No, I don't. I know that you're the one for me," He says, putting his hands on my thighs. I sigh and try to blink back my tears because I know what I have to do and it's going to be harder than anything I've ever done before. "And you know, deep down I know that you know that we're meant to be together."

"After everything that's come in between us, how can you possibly say that?" I ask, not believing him. Any normal guy would've left by now. Not only was I pregnant with another man's baby, but I was being abused, I didn't write to him, I admitted to not returning his calls and avoiding him. What did I need to do to make him get the picture?

_When you told me you didn't need me anymore  
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried  
When you told me you didn't need me anymore  
Well you know I nearly broke down and died  
_

He smiles a little and it makes my heart melt, even though in order to do this job it needs to remain a block of ice. He tilts his head and tenderly says, "Because I love you, Marissa Cooper, no matter what you do. No matter how far you run, no matter how many bruises there are on your face…" He puts one hand on the side of my face and rubs it gently with his thumb. I sigh a little and he continues to smile. "I've told you I don't know how many times, and it's going to remain true. I love you and I will love you today, tomorrow, next week, next year…a million years after that."

His words make me start to cry and he tries to wipe my tears away, but I fight him. He ends up winning and gets up, pulling me into his arms. I don't even try to resist him, just let my tears stain his shirt. "We can't…"

"But we can," He assures me.

"I can't," I murmur.

"Yeah, you can," He murmurs into my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

"Ryan, I'm pregnant with another man's baby," I point out to him, pulling away from his shirt and look into his eyes. "That has to bother you some."

"I know that you'd never cheat on me, and I know it's his," He assures me, his eyes getting hard when he thinks of Steve.

"How can you be so sure?" I ask, looking at him with raised eyebrows. "What makes you think I didn't get it on with the pool boy or something?"

"Because you're not that kind of person, and you love me," He says with a smile. He leans in and kisses me softly, tenderly…I can't help it…I kiss him back. I feel a fluttering I my stomach, but this is an old familiar feeling that I always used to get when around Ryan. I have to admit, I'd missed the butterflies. He continues to kiss me, obviously feeling pleased to have me kissing him back. I reach to run my hands through his hair, but then remember that he barely has any and finally get to feel how soft it is beneath my hands. I smile a little, and then just wrap my arms around his neck. He deepens the kiss, his tongue sliding into my mouth after what feels like a million years.

He runs his hands up my shirt, feeling my belly and then he pulls away a little. I look into his eyes, trying to measure his reaction, but then he just smiles and leans in to kiss me again. He continues to run his hands up my shirt, and finally to my breasts. I try not to moan, but just can't help it. He's too good with his hands, and way too good at pleasing me in general that it's impossible not to. I kiss him desperately, knowing that this is wrong and I should be pulling away. But he keeps making small advances and before I know it both of our shirts are off, showing just how pregnant I am. Ryan looks down at me for a minute, looking at my pregnant belly, and it makes me feel fat and disgusting. "You're just too beautiful," He murmurs, then leans in to kiss me again.

I don't know how or why, but when he says that, I suddenly stop and pull away. He raises his eyebrows and I feel the tears prick the back of my eyes. "Ryan…" I murmur, and then climb off of him.

_Oh! Darling, if you leave me  
I'll never make it alone  
Believe me when I tell you  
I'll never do you no harm  
_

He groans as I put my shirt back on. He stands and comes over to me, putting on his wife beater in the process. "What's wrong?" he asks, putting his hands on my waist.

"I…" I start, but then trail off and close my mouth, unable to go on anymore.

"You what? Love me?" He asks, his eyes desperately searching mine for reassurance that this will all be okay. "I know you love me."

I shake my head and my voice breaks as I say, "I can't do this anymore."

"It's okay, we can take it slow…" He says, giving me a nervous smile. "We don't have to do everything that we used to. We can slowly ease our way into that again…"

I shake my head and say, "That's not what the problem is..."

"Then what's the problem?" He asks me, suddenly looking very afraid. His eyes are a mix of fear and an love that makes me breathless and worried as to how to say this.

"Look, things between us were great.." I say, not answering his question just yet. I look into his eyes and say, "I loved you so much and you loved me and I thought that's all that it took..."

"That's all that it does take," He says, narrowing his eyes at me. "No matter what you might think, that's all that it ever takes, Marissa. Two people loving each other, not willing to let the other go..."

I ignore what he said and continue. "And then you left and suddenly everything changed..."

"I know, and I'm sorry..." He says, trying to convey the fact to me with his eyes. "I wish I could take it back..."

I ignore him again and finish by saying, "And I just don't think that we can go back to the way things were."

"Then we'll create something better," He says, his tone almost fierce. "We'll get married...and we'll raise our baby together."

I try not to give a bitter laugh at how cruel the universe is to me. "Ryan, he's not yours. He was never yours. Why can't you get that?"

He puts his hands on the side of my face and says, "He may not be my DNA or blood, but he's your baby and you're the love of my life. What's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine. For better or for worse..."

"We're not married," I say with a sigh.

"But I want you to marry me," He says, leaning in closer to me. "I want you to be my wife, and I want this baby to be mine. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.."

"Ryan, I'm only fifteen!" I say exasperatedly.

"Marissa, you're pregnant!" He says, backing up a little. He sighs and shakes his head. "Everything, everyone's rules and regulations as to when we're supposed to get married got ruined the minute you found out you were pregnant."

"I can't marry you," I say, looking at him square in the eyes.

_When you told me you didn't need me anymore  
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried  
When you told me you didn't need me anymore  
Well you know I nearly broke down and died  
_

"Yeah, you can. Your mom will say yes because she's going to want me to take responsibility and I don't need the Cohen's permission," He says, still holding onto the idea. I wanted to shake him and tell yell, "No, no, no!" but at the same time I wanted to pull him into my arms and make love to him. The two clashed together in my mind and drove me crazy.

"Ryan, I won't marry you," I say, emphasizing the word 'won't.'

He flexes the muscles in his jaw and softly asks, "Why not? Am I not good enough?"

"It's not you, it's me," I say, cursing myself inwardly for using such a stupid line.

"So what, you get pregnant and suddenly you stop loving me?" He asks, looking at me skeptically. "Is that what happened here?" I don't look at him and he lets out a frustrated groan. "Damn't, Marissa, look at me!"

I quickly look up into his eyes, and see all the pain in there, making his eyes darker than I'd ever seen them before. He's trying to hide it with anger, but I know it's not working. I sigh and say, "Ryan..."

"Do you still love me?" He asks me.

I start again by saying, "Ryan..."

"It's a simple yes or no answer," He says, ignoring what I'm saying, or not saying rather. "Yes, or no, which is it?"

"I.." I start, but then close my mouth and sigh. I try to start again. "I...we..."

He doesn't say anything, just looks at me and says, "If you want, I'll stay away. I'll go off to war and you can forget all about me. I'll let you stay here with that idiot and raise the son that you know we could've shared, and I'll even never talk to you or write you or see you ever again if you don't want me to."

My lips quiver and I try not to break down. "Ryan..." I start, but then stop once again. I close my eyes for a few minutes and then open them to see him in the same position, still staring at me. "I think you should go," I say, and somehow those five words mean more than anything else I could've said.

If it's possible to watch a person die on the inside right in front of you, then that would be what I'm witnessing. He looks at me for a long moment, and slowly his eyes lose their glow. His arms which were crossed across his chest go limp at his side, his lips go into a straight, neutral line. He looks down at his feet, then back up at me and when he does, I see nothing at all behind his eyes. "Fine, I'll go," He says, his voice empty of any emotions. I walk him to the front door and this corpse turns to look at me one last time. "I'll go and never come back, but know that I'm going to Iraq in a couple of weeks..." He trails off and looks out at the sky for a minute. Then he turns back to look at me and says, "And I can't live without you." Then he walks off to the car, gets in and drives away.

_Oh! Darling, please believe me  
I'll never let you down  
Believe me when I tell you  
I'll never do you no harm_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Reviewer of the Chapter:** ashypoos

**Girlz-Rule:** Did you ever doubt Ryan would want to marry Marissa no matter what? I think that if someone's your soul mate maybe you feel a stronger connection with them, or there's some kind of weird attraction stronger than you would normally have, but love? I think you have to know a person before you love them. Haha, that's really funny. I had an awkward moment when I went to go see Knocked Up with my mom last year. It's fine, I like long reviews, and there are now six chapters left of the actual story, the afterward, and then if you guys are really good I'll give you a little something special after that. Believe me, you guys want that something special

**ry.and.riss.for.ever:** We can't always get what we want.

**Juzzy88:** Yeah, the ending sucks. We all wanted her to say yes.

**Ryan and Marissa Atwood 4ever:** Steve is staying until the end.

**Ryan and Marissa 4Ever 2:** Hmm...

**ryanfan:** How exactly do you think it's going to end, if you don't mind telling me? Well, no matter what the ending is, the two main characters are Ryan and Marissa, and they were together for a good while there, so even if they don't end up together, which I'm not saying they will or not, that's why it's R/M.

**francesfresh007:** Happiness is overrated.

**captain oats 3:** I told you to get the tissues ready..and make sure you save some...you'll need them...

**BlueDepths:** Don't get me started on Ryan and Marissa on the show. I will say that I didn't like Ryan in season three.

**sailaway:** Robert's been a little lonely lately, I will be honest. And I'm sure he's upset my grandma hasn't seen him in a while. I put the little steamy part in there for you, but of course it couldn't continue cause that would be worse when Marissa eventually told him they couldn't be together. And you had to have known she would've. In two chapters it will be Ryan's POV for the chapter. Um, that's all I'll say about that.

**ashypoos:** You felt right.

**elly:** Hmm, one of two happened...kind of..

**J7chick18:** Yes, he's leaving for Iraq in two weeks, and yes a lot has happened. They could've had a long enagagement and she could've lived with the Cohens and they could've been happy, but the operative word there is could've.

**najeda:** I'm going to try to continue writing, but I doubt I will be able to. It depends on how much computer access I get once school starts cause it's going to be drastically lowered.

**G:** No marrying Ryan! And stop plotting Steve's murder!


	36. Knock Three Times

**A/N I don't feel like putting the lyrics in, but the song is "Knock Three Times." It doesn't fit at all, but I just used it for the ultimatum kind of atmosphere. Anyways, I'll let you guys hate me in about two chapters. No matter what happens, KEEP READING!! Read until the very end, and then read the afterward because I promise you that you will appreciate reading the story through. I wouldn't just leave you guys upset at me. Thanks for all my wonderful reviews. R/R!**

Making yourself believe you don't need someone while they're states away and making yourself believe you don't need someone when they're just a few miles away are two totally different things. When Ryan was in Texas, I would believe that I could really live without him. That I could have this baby and give him all of my love instead of Ryan. That maybe things would turn out okay and Ryan and I could move on and maybe he'd meet someone else and get married and have kids of his own. And then maybe on that day he could look me in the eyes and tell me that he understood why I did what I did and that it was the right decision.

But ever since he left that day, or at least his body left, I feel like nothing will ever be right again. And maybe it won't. Maybe years from now I'll look back on this moment and say, "I shouldn't have done that," and regret all of this pain. Maybe I should go back to Ryan on my hands and knees begging and pleading for him to come back to me. Maybe I'll go tell him I'm so in love with him that I'd marry him right this minute if he wanted me still. Maybe only then will I be able to finally feel happy again like I used to.

His words keep playing in my head, "I'll go and never come back, but know that I'm going to Iraq in a couple of weeks….And I can't live without you."

What was that supposed to mean? Would he die while he was over there? I had to know that things would be alright with him, that my sacrifices were for a greater good, not a lost cause. Because no matter what Steve did, I had the final say in the matter, and I was doing all of this for Ryan. No one may understand it, but he didn't need me. He needed someone that could offer him so much more than I could. He needed someone who didn't have all the extra baggage that I did. He needed someone that wasn't as insecure as I was. He deserved so much better than me, and I knew it, but sometimes I wondered if he did.

The day of our anniversary (or what would've been our anniversary) I told myself that if he called, I'd take him back. I carried my cell phone with me all day long and stayed by the house one. Steve didn't notice and my mom was too drunk, but I waited and waited for his call, because a part of me wished he would just ignore everything I said and still fight for me. At one part of the day the doorbell rang and I quickly got up and made my way to the front door, wishing it was him. And when I opened the door to reveal who it was…it was Summer. And when I saw her I cried and she frowned.

"You really know how to make a person feel loved," She said sarcastically. That made me cry even harder because I had pushed Ryan away when he loved me. Summer immediately came over and hugged me. "What's wrong?" She asked worriedly.

"It's my anniversary with Ryan and he hasn't called!" I said, closing the door after Summer. She started walking with me up to my room and gave me a confused look.

"But I thought you guys broke up…"

"We did!" I said, crying even harder.

We got to my room and Summer led me to my bed. "So let me get this straight. You're crying because Ryan hasn't called you on your anniversary after you broke up with him, refusing his wedding proposal?"

I nodded and sniffled. "It's just so wrong!"

She rolled her eyes and said, "Your mood swings threw me for a loop there."

"This is not a mood swing," I argued back. "This is real feelings. I love him, Sum." I start to cry again.

She hugs me and tries to comfort me the best she can with my pregnant belly. "I know you do, sweetie."

"I just wish that things were different. Why'd it all have to happen to me?" I asked with a sigh.

"I don't know, but it will get better," Summer said, rubbing my back soothingly. I sighed once again.

"I just want Ryan," I mumbled.

All through that day, Ryan didn't call.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

With New Years and Christmas gone, I knew it was only a matter of time before Ryan left. He was supposed to leave two weeks after he came and it was getting really close to two weeks. One day I had the strangest feeling, one that cannot be explained. But before I knew it my feet were carrying me through the house and I was opening the front door to reveal Ryan. Despite what I knew was right in the kind of situation, I smile and move aside, motioning for him to come inside. But when I see what he's wearing, I stop dead in my tracks. Sunglasses.

_I just don't like sunglasses. The day you see me wearing them is the day that I lose hope in the world. That's what my mom did."_

He looks down at the ground and then looks at me with his hands on his hips. I see a backpack on his back and wonder what it's doing there. "Um…hi.." I say quietly, wanting nothing more than to reach out and yank those sunglasses off and kiss him hard on the mouth.

"I didn't ring the doorbell," He says, looking at me for a long moment. I can't see his eyes and it bothers me because I love looking into those blue eyes of his.

I shake my head and say, "You didn't have to."

"How did you know I was there? I just got here," He says, his voice devoid of any emotion. I want to shake him until he can feel something, anything…even anger. I want to know that I haven't ruined his life, that things will get better like I'd hoped for him when I broke it off with him.

I shrug and say, "It was the weirdest thing. I was sitting in my room on my bed when suddenly I just had this strange feeling. I came down here, opened the door…and there you were."

"Hmm," He says, and looks down.

We're quiet for a while and then I finally break the silence. "Ryan, you're wearing sunglasses." I look at him accusingly.

He feels up his face at the sunglasses, and then lets his arms fall back to his sides. He shrugs and blankly says, "Yeah, I guess I am."

"You said that the day you wore sunglasses you was the day that you lost hope in the world," I remind him, not pleased with his indifferent attitude.

He shrugs and says, "Maybe I have." He looks at me, but I can't see his eyes and it's making me angry. Why won't he let me look at him? And then my answer is suddenly clear as day. Because I told him not to. Because I told him to leave when I should've told him to stay. Because he thinks that I don't love him and that I can just throw him out on his own without caring. He thinks that I'm over him.

"You promised you would never do that," I say, trying to keep my voice from wavering. It's no use though.

"You said you would be here for me when I get back," He shoots back, worse than a slap, especially since there was no trace of anger behind it.

"Ryan, take off the glasses," I order him, reaching up for the glasses. He backs away when I touch him, acting like I hurt him.

"Marissa, just back off okay? You lost whatever right you had to tell me what to do the other day," He says, his voice low and soft. My lips begin to quiver, a sure sign that I'm about to start crying. "Don't cry," He says, tilting his head. He makes a move like he's going to come comfort me, but then he doesn't do anything, just lets his arms fall back into place.

"You didn't call the other day," I say, thinking about our anniversary.

"Was I supposed to?" Is his baffled reply.

I shrug and say, "I figured you would've. It was our anniversary."

"Would've been our anniversary," he corrects. He sighs and then says, "I don't get you."

"For the record, I never really got you much either," I say, staring at him for a long moment.

"Why is that?" He asks, raising an eyebrow. I can see it going up, even though I can't see whether his eyes are amused or annoyed. "Because I have reason not to get you, but really, you have no reason not to get me."

"Because I didn't get how you could ever love me when the whole world was against me," I say quietly, avoiding looking at those sunglasses that hid his eyes from me.

I imagine he rolls his eyes right now. "Shows how much you listened to me. I guess maybe I should've seen this all along huh?"

"Seen what?" I ask, getting upset again. Was he implying that I never did love him?

"Seen you pulling this move on me and ending it. Maybe you never did love me," He says, and then walks further into the house. "I brought you something, that's why I'm here. Not to accuse you."

"Really, because you're doing a really good job at it," I spit back bitterly. I walk with him and we reach the living room. Ryan sits down on the couch and I sit next to him, probably closer than I should've. But I have this feeling that after this visit I won't see him for a while, if ever again.

He takes the backpack from on his shoulder and hands it to me. It has my name on it, written in cursive. It's a bag, not one of those bulky bags with two straps. It's beige with pink lettering that makes my eyes water. "You didn't have to…" I murmur, looking up at him with tears in my eyes.

"I bought it before I left and forgot to give it to you. I didn't want the money to go to waste," Ryan says like it's no big deal. He doesn't even look at me, just leans back on the couch and stares straight ahead.

"Are you ever going to forgive me?" I ask softly, putting one of my hands on his arm. He's warm, soft, and I just want to lean into him and kiss him one last time.

"I'm not angry," He says, still not looking at me. "I'm not angry or upset. In fact, I don't feel much of anything right now."

"Ryan, you can't do this," I say, putting a hand on the side of his face. He looks at me reluctantly, I can tell by his body language. "You can't hide your emotions. You can't hide from the people that love you. You can't just be this shell of a person for the rest of your life."

"It might not be that long though," He says, looking away from me again. He stands, getting away from my touch. I sigh and close my eyes to fight the tears that are threatening to fall. "I leave tomorrow," He tells me, and I remember the last time that he left. How could things have changed that much? "And I might never get back."

"Don't talk that way, Ryan," I say, opening my eyes wide to look at him.

"It's true though right?" he says, his voice still blank. "How many people go to Iraq and never come back home?"

"You've always been different…more special," I say, standing up and looking at him. "You were always more special than everyone else. You can defeat becoming just another statistic."

"But do I want to is the question," He says, and suddenly I feel the full impact of what I did. I lose my breath for a second there.

"Ryan, you can't, you just can't," I say, taking a few steps towards him. And just like I did all those months ago when he tried to talk to me, he takes steps back and crosses his arms over his chest. He's blocking his heart from me, or at least what's left of it. That makes my own insides ache terribly.

"What's it to you if I die though? You obviously don't and never did love me," He challenges, his tone finally letting itself become bitter. I'd rather take the bitterness than the emptiness any day, because at least I know this way he can feel something. Maybe he'd come back after all.

"Ryan, I did love you," I say, the tears back in my eyes. "You have to believe that."

"Why would I believe such a thing? I mean look at how easily you could just get rid of me. Obviously you don't love me and never did," He says, his tone getting angrier and angrier. "You know, after everything…I didn't expect you to be the one that hurt me."

He starts to walk away but I put my arms around him to stop him. "Ryan, I can't let you leave me like this." He doesn't move and I tug on his arms to turn him around. He looks at me for a minute and I pull off his sunglasses, revealing his beautiful blue eyes. I stare into them, and he stares into mine. His eyes are lighter than I've ever seen them, the person that used to live in there gone, taking away the color with them. I shake my head and say, "I loved you."

"Loved," He repeats, his voice now empty again.

"Ryan I--"

I was going to tell him that I still love him. I was going to say that no matter what he thinks, I still love him more than anything in this world. I was going to say that I needed to do this now, but hopefully someday we could be together again. I was going to say that I wanted him to come back, that I still wanted letters, that I still wanted to hear his voice. I was going to say that I wasn't doing this to hurt him, and that it was killing me inside just as much as him. I was going to tell him not to let himself die because I was hoping in a couple of years I would be able to be with him again.

But then Steve came, and I shut my mouth. I stared into Ryan's eyes, trying to tell him that Steve was the reason this was all happening to us. That when I learned how to stand up to Steve, things would get better between us. But instead Steve said, "Ryan, you're here."

Ryan stares at me, and says, "You were going to say something."

I nod and say, "Yeah, I was." I feel Steve's hand touch my shoulder and I take a step away from Ryan, watching his eyes to see what he'll do. He doesn't look at Steve, just stares into my eyes, whatever life that had been sparked by what I was about to say totally vanished after I say, "But it's not important anymore."

He finally looks at Steve behind me and I want him to punch Steve. I want Ryan to kill Steve and then the two of us can run away together. "I got you the backpack because I won't be here to carry your books anymore," He says, and then turns to leave.

I watch him go, Steve's fingers digging into my skin, restraining me from going after him. When he's finally gone, Steve says, "Too bad about the boy."

I turn and slap him hard across the face. "Don't touch me, don't talk to me!" I yell, and then back away from him. Steve comes and grabs my arm, then hits me across the face.

"Are you forgetting who you're talking to?!" He yells, and then hits me again. I whimper a little, but then stand strong once again. "You have no right to talk to me that way!"

"Ryan could kill you if I told him you were threatening me!" I shout at him and back away, grabbing the backpack.

"But the boy doesn't care about you anymore. He obviously doesn't care about anyone, and will go get himself killed in the stupid, meaningless war," Steve says, his voice now back to its normal, annoying self. "It's too bad, I could tell you really liked him."

I glare and then stomp up the stairs. I feel my baby kick and rub my belly, whispering to it that I'll never hurt it like I've been hurt by my parents and everyone else. When I get to my room I open the bag and see a letter in it addressed to me and open it.

_Dear Marissa,_

_I don't know what happened while I was gone, but it changed you. But that's not what I'm writing about. You never answered my question. Do you still love me? Because if you don't, then I'll go away, but if you do…_

_Tonight I'm going to go to your house and park the car outside from exactly 7:00-7:05. If you still love me, if you still care about me at all, flick your bedroom lights five times. But if you don't, then keep it dark or don't do anything at all. Just ignore me, and at 7:05 I'll go._

_Regardless, I love you._

_Ryan_

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At seven that night I attempted to make my way upstairs to my room, ready to send the message to Ryan. Steve had taken away my phone, making sure I couldn't call Ryan, and hid all the house phones from me. I wasn't allowed to leave the house because I might go run away to Ryan. I reached the stairs and Steve says, "Little girl, come here for a second."

I glare off into space and ask, "What?"

"I was thinking…should we have a nursery or do you just want the crib in your room?" He asks, blocking the stairs from me. I begin to wonder if he saw the letter.

"Um…I don't know, which do you think is better?" I ask, looking up the stairs, wanting to get to my room.

"Your room would be less space taken up," He says, rubbing his chin as if it's a puzzle. I sigh and he smirks at me. "In a hurry?"

"Yeah, kind of," I say, trying to get past him.

"Why?" He asks, his face twisted in an evil grin.

"Because I really want to go to bed. I'm tired…" I say, faking a yawn.

"It's…" He looks at his watch. "7:02"

"I know, it's been a long, emotionally draining day," I say, which was true.

He shrugs and says, "I think you should come watch TV with your mom and me. She's actually sober for once, and that doesn't happen often anymore.."

"Okay, great, I'll just go do something in my room really quickly and then come back," I say, trying to get past him once again. He shoves me away gently and shakes his head. "Steve, let me go!"

"I'm not going to move anytime soon…" He says, a grin still plastered on his face.

"Mom!" I yell, wanting to get backup.

"Marissa, I'm watching the television! Can't it wait?!" She yells back.

I sigh and say, "No, it' s a matter of life and death here!" Once it's out of my mouth, I realize that it probably is a matter of life and death…Ryan's life or Ryan's death, depending if I get upstairs in time.

"Oh, okay! I'll help at commercial!" She yells back, earning her a roll of the eyes.

Steve looks down at his watch and smirks. "7:04 and 50 seconds…" He moves aside and I get up the stairs as fast as I can with my pregnant belly. Of all times, my baby decides this is the moment to start kicking, slowing me down even more.

When I finally get to my room, I switch the light on and off just like he told me to. I walk to the window and hope to see him there, but instead see nothing. I look at my clock and start to cry. It's 7:06. Ryan never saw the lights.

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**You guys are making it fun to do this now. When I started it out, only a few people would talk to me, but now a lot of you are.**

**Reviewer of the chapter**: Lindsay

**Ashypoos**: Hmm…I'm going to remain silent…

**J7chick18: **Next chapter will be him in Iraq, and his POV. After that it'll be Marissa and relatively the same time span for two chapters, and then it'll be jumping again.

**Najeda: **I'm sorry…

**Girlz-Rule: **It's good you didn't doubt Ryan, lol. And don't stop believing in love at first sight! I'm just a pessimist, so don't listen to me. I was wondering when you'd notice the date..

**Leytonfan911**: Sorry, no can do.

**Captain oats 3**: Hehe. Make sure you get the big pack, you'll need them.

**Juzzy88: **Aw, are you better now?

**Elly**: Happiness is very overrated. Happy people are annoying half of the time too with their sunshine and always seeing the better side of things.

**Francesfresh007**: Why do you hate your life at the moment?

**BlueDepths**: Real life Steve is pretty nice now.

**Ryan and Marissa Atwood 4ever: **You'll have to wait and see how things go..

**Sailaway: **You may like it, but I don't think Ryan will be happy if she has sex with him and then says they can't be together anymore. It would break his heart…even more. Robert is not in prison, but never did get married or have kids of his own. I can't wait to write the next chapter. Maybe I'll post it tomorrow, depends on how much time I have.

**CohenNAtwood: **Well, they'll get it right in some stories, but in some stories they're just not meant to end up together.

**Lindsay: **Aw, I'm sorry.

**G- **Yeah…the broke up…officially…perhaps forever…

**Ally: **Thanks for the song. I don't think I'll use it cause I have all the rest of the chapters planned out, but thank you for the suggestion. I hope things get easier for you with saying goodbye.


	37. Heartbreak Hotel

**A/N KEEP READING!! I **_**PROMISE **_**I will give you guys a happy ending. Okay? Eventually. With Ryan and Marissa together. Even when it seems impossible. I have my ways of doing things. As I said, I wouldn't let you guys stay upset with me now would I? There's a such thing as Alternative Endings, people. Anyways, in order for the possible AE ending, you would have to continue reading the REAL story. About what REALLY happened with NO AE endings. But since this is fiction, and you guys are just so lovely with your reviews, I shall give you what you deserve. Which is not the tragic ending. Songs used: Heartbreak Hotel by Elvis Presley. I know this was quick, but I just had to get this chapter out here. I was so inspired to write it for some reason. R/R!**

**Ryan's POV**

Even after all these months, I still couldn't quite grasp the fact that it was really over, that she really didn't love me anymore. I didn't understand how she could just open her eyes one day and decide that she didn't need me anymore, or think that this was all for the best. Sometimes it made me wonder if she ever did listen to a word that I said, or if she just nodded and smiled, pretending to care. And sometimes I convince myself that she had to have loved me at some time because there's no way you can fake the way she looked at me or the passion in her kisses. There's no faking the tenderness in the way she made love to me, and there sure as hell was no way she could've looked into my eyes for hours the way she did without ever feeling something about me.

It was now the beginning of May, meaning I have been around four months without her. If things had gone the way I'd hoped they would, I would've been counting down the days until I got home for good. I would write to her every single day, telling her about the horrors of the war. I'd tell her that I had seen a child dead in the street, that I constantly smelled nothing but the mix of blood and death in the air, and that sometimes when I was watching someone die, I envied them more than I'd ever envied anyone else in the world. Because they didn't have to pretend anymore. They didn't have to keep on going even though they knew things would never be okay again.

Things were okay during the day. Witnessing death and the brutality of it was a lot easier than actually dealing with the fact that she didn't love me. That she'd probably never loved me, no matter what I tried to convince myself. That I'd let myself live this huge lie for so long, and lived it and breathed it like it was the truth. Sometimes I didn't want to shoot, even though I knew I'd die if I didn't. Sometimes I just wanted to run out into the open and yell, "Shoot me! Kill me already! Just do it and let me fucking die already!" No one deserved the amount of pain I felt whenever my thoughts drifted to her.

Her hair had smelled of lavender the last time I made love to her. I remember entering her, feeling that overwhelming pleasure I received whenever I was inside of her, and I leaned down to kiss her when I smelled the lavender in my nostrils. It was such a great smell that I remembered it. But now when I thought about it, I wanted to hit something so hard, because I would never smell that lavender in her hair ever again as I moved inside of her. I would never smell anything in her hair again, because she was no longer mine. She now belonged to him.

I hated Steve with such a great passion, it made me lose my vision from rage. The searing hot anger that made its way through my blood actually caused my vision to blur, and my fists to clench so hard that my nails dug into my palm, sometimes even producing blood. But even then, I felt so much anger towards him that I didn't notice until afterwards, when I would settle down once again. I hated him so much because he was the reason for me feeling this way. It was his fault that she wasn't with me anymore because he impregnated her, and the minute she found out that it was his she knew that we would never end up together. I make myself believe this because if I don't then I'm left with the alternative; that she was just looking for an excuse to get rid of me. And him raping her was just so convenient, don't you think?

"Atwood, mail!" I hear one of the officers shout, throwing a few letters at me. I look at them, some part of me still hoping that she'd ask the Cohens for the address to reach me and write to me. Maybe there had been some reason why she hadn't flicked the lights. Maybe she'd been held back by Steve or something. But I knew as much as I would like to think that, it was just a big fat lie. Everything in my life was a lie. But now that the truth was out, I just wanted to be lied to again. At least that way I was happy. Now I don't even know how to feel anything other than anger and emptiness.

I ignore the letters from the Cohens and Seth, figuring they're just about trivial things like friends, parties, and family. The only person that I could think of that I would like to know what their life is like right now would be Marissa, because she's still the only person that I would gladly hear about the trivial things from. Instead of reading the letters, since I had a little downtime, I decide to write a letter of my own to my family. It's only after I start writing that I realize it wasn't really to my family, only someone that I wished I could've officially made part of my family. "Dear Marissa…"

"Atwood, the sergeant's looking for you. Something about that mission yesterday," Eric, one of the people on my unit, says to me. He looks at my hands and sees that I'm writing something and gives me a sympathetic smile. He's always been kind of like a father figure for me over here in Iraq since he already knows how to do all this. This was his fifth tour of Iraq, which meant he was really experienced in every area that had to do with war. He always promised that I'd get home safe, but in truth, that's what I was afraid of. Going home. Because now that she didn't want me anymore, I didn't really know what home was.

_**Well, since my baby left me,  
I found a new place to dwell.  
Its down at the end of lonely street  
At heartbreak hotel.**_

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Some days I walk around like a ghost. Everyone looks at me and stares, but no one can really see me. I'm told that I look worse than most of the dead people they find, but I just shrug and say those dead people are the lucky ones cause they're dead. Eric always shakes his head and tells me things like, "Don't let it get to you. There will be other girls," or, "She isn't worth it, no one is worth that much pain." But no one knew Marissa, because if they did, then they'd understand.

If they knew that when she's talking about something deeply important to her that her eyes are a mix of blue and green that you can see the storm brewing inside of her, or that when she laughed, it was bubbly and energetic, they would understand why I am the way I am. Because if they knew that her skin was softer than silk, or that if you nibbled just below her ear her moans were low and deep, they'd know how impossible it is not to fall in love with her. If anyone ever met her, they'd realize that the second they saw her, they were a goner.

Some nights when I was lonely, I'd pull out a picture of her and trace my finger over it gently, pretending that I was really touching her face. I would pretend to have her wonderfully smooth skin beneath my fingertips, right there whenever I wanted it, or that I was connecting the adorable little freckles on her face. Sometimes I'd close my eyes and dream of leaning in to kiss her, taking her by surprise. I imagined the light in her eyes, and the way her smile completely melted my heart. Sometimes I worried that if she continued to melt me the way she did, I would just be a mess of goo on the floor. Sometimes I would imagine gently peeling her clothes off, leaving her completely bare for me to look at. But rather than excite me like it did when I was actually there, I take my time to remember the way her body looked when it belonged to me and only me.

One day I was eating my dinner when Eric came to sit beside me. He put a hand on my shoulder, waking me from my daze. I had just been remembering Marissa on Christmas, when we were together and she first leaned in to kiss me. I remember the magic of the moment, the realization that she had to have loved me too the minute her lips touched mine. It was the best first kiss I could've ever asked for, and the best one I'd received from anyone. It made me wonder how someone three years younger could have such an effect on someone like me. Sometimes I just wondered why she even chose me to lend her heart to. "Tell me about her," Eric says, his voice deep and somewhat soothing.

Suddenly I remember Marissa's voice as she whispered into my ear that she loved me; deep and somewhat musical, at least to my ears. I could listen to her speak for hours on end and never get bored because hearing her words or listening to her laugh was like music to my ears, almost like my favorite song. You could listen to it a million times over and still never get bored, but rather thrilled that you memorized every single thing about it. "About who?" I ask, feigning innocence. I realize that Marissa did that with me a lot when she felt like teasing me. I miss her teasing me.

Eric's warm brown eyes look into my blank blue ones and he raises his eyebrows. "The girl, the one that you carry around with you but won't speak about. Tell me about her. I'm curious to know how great she was, because she was obviously great, but I also think that you need to talk about her. So tell me about her. What was she like?"

I thought about saying she was like your favorite book. How you could read it a million times and still find something intriguing in it. Or maybe she reminded me of a sunset because her eyes were always so light and she was so beautiful and captivating that you couldn't help but stare at her. That there was never anything the same about her, she was always changing and becoming more and more beautiful. The more you got of her, the more you longed for just a bit more. I wondered how you could describe someone that was so breathtakingly beautiful that she made you lose your breath yet so gentle and fragile that you treated her like a newborn baby. I wondered how you could possibly talk about her when she was indescribable.

So I told him that she was the first girl I ever loved, and that she was the only girl I could ever imagine spending my life with. I told him that she pretended to love me, but I wasn't sure if she ever really did. I told him that no matter what I tell myself about her in my head, my heart tells me an entirely different story. And he listened curiously, only nodding, not speaking, knowing that the only words needed were my own. And then when I was finished he nods and says, "She sounds like quite the girl."

I nod and say, "She was 'the' girl."

"Was being the operative word there," He says, and then pats my shoulder and walks away. I watch his retreating form and sigh.

She would always be 'the' girl to me, no matter what anyone says.

_**You make me so lonely baby,  
I get so lonely,  
I get so lonely I could die.  
**_

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"I remember when I first saw you. You were looking down and I just wanted you to look up. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I walked into you on purpose that day. You looked so troubled and I wanted to get your mind off of those troubles of yours. I'd never seen anyone quite like you before, but I don't know what it was that set you apart from everyone else. It couldn't have been your beauty, because I'd seen a number of beautiful girls before, though none that looked just as beautiful as you. Maybe it was a look in your eye that I'd never seen before; emptiness. I didn't get how someone could let themselves become empty inside, until now." I rest my hand for a second.

"Hey man, we're supposed to leave early tomorrow. Shut off that light and get to bed!" I hear one of the guys in the room shout. I sigh and switch off the light, erasing my words to Marissa in the process.

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_Dear Ryan,_

_Seth should come home soon. He calls every once in a while, but not nearly enough. You have no idea how hard it is for me and Sandy to be without you two boys. You guys are our whole life, so don't go and get yourself hurt you hear? I want you to come back in one whole big piece, breathing and with a smile on your face. Okay, so maybe a smile is a far stretch, but you can make an effort right?_

_Speaking of smiles and stuff, I saw Marissa today. I know that you probably shouldn't hear about her, but I know that at the same time you're dying to know how she's doing, so I'll tell you. She had her baby. I haven't seen him, nor will I ever see him unless you're showing him to me, but I know it is a boy. It's all anyone can talk about in this town. Everyone says it's not yours, but I don't understand how that could happen. You never wanted to talk about her, is that the reason? Did she cheat on you while you were away?_

_Okay, back onto happy things. Sandy says that when you come home in January, we'll have a big party for you. We'll invite the whole town because everyone would love to know how you're doing. You're Newport's hero, did you know that? Aside from Marissa's illegitimate child, you're the talk of the town. I can't tell you how many people tell me that they're praying you'll come home safe. Just so you know, I'm doing the same thing. I want my boys back home. Is that so much to ask?_

_Love,_

_Kirsten_

_**And although its always crowded,  
You still can find some room.  
Where broken hearted lovers  
Do cry away their gloom**_

I set aside the letter and stare off into space. Marissa had her baby. His baby. What could've been our baby. I run a hand over the top of my head, feeling the soft fuzz of my hair. I decided to keep it short, though we could technically let it grow out a little more than when were in training. Marissa was now officially a mom, and I was out here killing people and trying but failing to get killed. I pick up a pen and the paper I've already started the letter on and continue to write.

"When we first held hands, I knew that we were going to end up together. Our hands were perfect for each other. They still are. If you put your hand over mine and we laced our fingers together like we always used to, you would know that we were just made to be together. You can't deny it because you know it's true. You've always known it was true. I don't know why you're trying to convince yourself otherwise because it's a lost cause. Someday you're going to close your eyes and see me there, my hand outstretched, and you're going to want to take it only to realize that really, me being there is an illusion and you lost your only chance because you decided to listen to him."

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_**You make me so lonely baby,  
I get so lonely,  
I get so lonely I could die.**_

"Hello?" I hear on the other line.

"Kirsten, it's me," I say into the phone, my tone completely wiped of the emotion it used to have when I called home, back when I was only in training. Back when I believed there was a such thing as true love that never died.

"Ryan!" She yells into the phone, making me go half deaf. I roll my eyes and she asks, "How are you?"

"Stupid question," I mumble into the phone.

She ignores my comment and says, "I didn't know you could call us!"

"I can only call occasionally. You can never call here though," I inform her.

"Oh," Is her reply. She starts chatting about something, but I can't stand it anymore. There was real reason for me calling her, and it had nothing to do with their family or Newport's latest gossip. It had to do with one person and one person only. The only person that I ever thought about, even if I didn't want to.

"How is she?" I ask, cutting her in mid sentence as she talked about something Seth said the other day while she spoke to him on the phone.

She sighs and says, "Ryan, it doesn't really matter."

"You know it does," I say, my voice still devoid of emotion.

"She's fine," Kirsten says, sighing once again. "At least that's what I hear."

"Have you seen her at all?" I ask, needing to know just how fine 'fine' is.

"Yeah, I saw her at the grocery store. I didn't say hello though, just walked past her as she spoke to her son. I don't think she saw me. Anyways, I heard her say something to him, using the name, Larry. So I guess that's what her son's name is," She says, obviously not pleased with the conversation.

"Larry," I repeat, trying the name out. "Larry Cooper," I murmur. A part of me wonders what it would've been if there had been an Atwood on the end of that. And while we're there, let's pretend that Marissa Cooper was no longer Cooper but Marissa Atwood as well. It almost made me smile. Almost.

"Yeah…"

"Look, Kirsten, I really have to go," I say, which is actually true. One of the officers is calling for me and giving me 'the look,'

"Okay, I love you."

"You too," And then I hand up the phone.

_**Well, the bell hops tears keep flowin,  
And the desk clerks dressed in black.  
Well they been so long on lonely street  
They aint ever gonna look back.**_

That night I go back to my bed and continue my letter.

"When we first kissed under that mistletoe, I knew that what we had wasn't fake or something that could be replaced. What we had was true love, Marissa, even if you didn't see it at the time. Because I knew from the moment your lips touched mine, you were and would always be the girl for me. Call me corny, cheesy, or even plain old stupid…but you completed me in every way. When we first made love I thought that the whole universe was rooting for us to be together. Because I loved you so much, and the way your body moved with mine told me that you loved me too. But maybe I let myself believe the lie that you told me, that we really might have a happy ever after. Or maybe all those times you doubted our love, you were really being truthful. Maybe you never did believe that we were destined.

"I spent six whole months wondering what had happened to you. Six months of my life worrying about you, only to find that you didn't really love me anymore. Only to find you pregnant with his baby. Only to find that you didn't want to marry me like I thought you had wanted. Do you remember that talk we had that one day? You asked me if I wanted a big or small wedding, and then we agreed on a wedding at the beach. What happened to that plan?

"Those six months were pure hell for me. At first I thought that maybe your letters were getting lost in the mail, or maybe mine were. But then the Cohens started writing me back and I knew that you weren't returning my letters. So then I figured, maybe you were just busy, then months went by and you still hadn't written me. Seth wrote and said you had bruises on your face, and I knew right away that me leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. Because the minute I left you, so did me protecting you. I was stupid to have never seen that before. And then Kirsten told me you were pregnant and all that went through my head was that we were going to have a baby. And the craziest thing was that I was looking forward to it.

"We may be young, you especially, but I don't think that matters in the grand scheme of things. Because when we're a hundred years old with tons of children and grandchildren, who would really care that we had kids so young? Because then we could tell them that we fell in love and found our perfect someone at such a small age, and maybe they'd feel inspired or something for when they'd find that right person. But when I came home, you were different, and I don't know why I didn't realize what you being pregnant would do to us. I guess I was so wrapped up with the good, I didn't realize the bad.

"I always knew in the back of my mind that if you were getting beaten, you would also probably get raped. I just didn't want to think about it. But when you told me it wasn't mine, I knew it was his. And I didn't freak out the way you probably thought I would because I was just so upset that it wasn't mine and we wouldn't have that perfect family. It was only a minor setback to me though, because I would've raised Larry as my own. Yes, I know his name. Anyways, in my eyes, he would've been mine. Because we could've told the Cohens that he was mine and they would've believed us without a doubt. We could explain why he doesn't look like me by saying he looked like you and an old relative of yours. That happens all the time, you know. It would've worked if you let it."

I'm interrupted by Eric coming to my bed and handing me a bottle of beer. "I don't want to drink," I say, my eyes looking at him blankly.

"This is war, and while at war, we drink!" he says, obviously already drunk. I look at the beer and figure, why not? What have I got to lose?

Everything but the one thing I wanted would be the answer to that.

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Three hours and five beers later I'm drunk to say the least. Drunk and playing cards, which is a very difficult thing to do. I look at my cards and then around at the people I'm playing. There's Eric, a girl named Josephina, and another guy named John. "All in," I slur, pushing my chips into the center of the table. We're not really betting anything, considering I don't have much money and no one else is willing to lose all their own. So we just played to play. As I'm leaning in, Josephina pushes her chips into the center, and that's when I smell it. Lavender.

And that's when I remember her. The way her hair fell into her eyes as she slept, or the way her eyes fluttered when she dreamt. The way when her eyes were always fluttering, I hoped she was dreaming about me. The smile on her face when she looked into my eyes and told me that she loved me, the warmth in her touch when she held me. The way when she was ready to make love, her eyes were green, but when we were done, they were blue. The way when she was feeling lost or upset, her eyes turned a dark shade of grey. The way her hands trembled as she undressed me, looking at me with that look of uncertainty as if she was afraid she would drive me away at any second. I remember her and every single thing good about our relationship, and suddenly I can't take not being with her anymore.

My hands start to shake and I feel tears spring to my eyes for some reason. Everyone looks at me and I throw my cards down and storm away. I grab the papers that I used to write to her and a pen, then my equipment I usually took with me when I went on a mission and headed into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I suddenly knew what I needed to do to stop this pain. This breathtaking horrible bitterness and overwhelming pain.

"I tried to live without you, I really did. And I just don't know how to. War is a difficult thing, and even more difficult when you don't have someone you love back home to keep you motivated. Well, when you don't have someone that loves you back home to keep you motivated. I'm not perfect, and maybe someday you'll understand why I had to do this, just like I understand why you had to do what you did to me. I can't wait for a day I know won't come, because I know that if you loved me, that's what you'd want me to do. But if you don't love me, then maybe I'm doing you a favor.

"I know you don't want me to write to you anymore, but this is my last letter. I needed to say goodbye, and now I finally have. Never doubt that I loved you, Marissa.

"I'll love you until the day I die.

"Forever Yours,

"Ryan Atwood."

I tucked the letter into the envelope and looked at what was in front of me. A gun, a knife, a few grenades, and my uniform. I locked the door to the bathroom and then fingered every single deadly weapon, wondering which hurt most. Wondering which would be quickest. Wondering which would be cleaner. Wondering until I made my decision, and then didn't have to wonder anymore.

_**You make me so lonely baby,  
I get so lonely,  
I get so lonely I could die.**_

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**There aren't many reviews, so I'll do the individual reviews next chapter, assuming I wait long enough again for you guys to actually review, lol. Anyways…400 reviews! YAY!! That made my day. : )**


	38. Don't Worry Baby

**A/N I promise there will be an alternative ending at the end of the story. It will look like a one-shot. You'll find more about that later. There are three chapters left in this story, all of which Ryan is dead. I'm begging you to keep reading because the AE ending is best when you know what happened. It makes the desperation so much more real. Song used: Don't Worry Baby by The Beach Boys. R/R, thanks!**

He was everywhere. I would walk down the hallways at school and see him walking around the corner. I'd go up to my locker and see him standing there, staring at me, but then I'd open my locker and suddenly he'd vanish. I would be in class and since I was bored as hell, my eyes would drift to the door leading out of the classroom and I'd see him there, watching me. The minute I saw him though, he'd give me this solemn look and then walk away. One time I almost got up and walked after him, but then realized that I had to have been going crazy. There was no way he could be here when he was supposed to be in Iraq, fighting the war that no one understood. And besides, the last time I saw him, it was pretty clear he didn't want to see me ever again.

In the months since I'd seen him last, my life had been horrible. I missed him to the point of physical pain, which I was told wasn't good for my baby. I would cry for days on end, wishing that he'd somehow feel it from where he was and understand that I did in fact love him and wanted to be with him, no matter what the cost. That I would gladly run away from everything and have nothing but him and Larry, who we could share as if we had created him using both of our bodies instead of him only being a half of me. And that I would gladly marry him anywhere he wanted to, in front of the whole world or in front of just a few witnesses. That I would gladly let him make love to me whenever he wanted to because he was mine and I was his and that's the way I wanted things to be again between us.

Larry was born in April, a couple of week after my own birthday. The day of my birthday I lay in bed all day, thinking about my last birthday with Ryan. Or rather, without him. It made me sigh and kind of cry because I wasted a perfectly good day on being angry when I could've been holding Ryan in my arms and begging him to never leave me. Sometimes I thought that the reason for all my misery was my own fault because I didn't try hard enough to convince him to stay here with me. To wait for me until I'm old enough and then we could start our family together by getting married.

Sometimes I dreamed of our wedding, or what could've been our wedding. And then I dream of our honeymoon, and the way we'd make love so much that we wouldn't leave our hotel room at all. It made me ache for him in a way I never thought possible, because Ryan was the only one I could consider wanting that with.

Larry got his name by accident. Steve still wanted him named Gary, but when I was in the bed, I heard him say Larry instead, so while I was writing out the birth certificate, I put Larry instead of Gary. Steve wasn't happy about it at first, but soon we all got used to his new name. Occasionally Steve would handle Larry, and Larry would stop crying. It made me cry to see them that way because that's how Ryan should've been with our child in the future. Steve would look at me and smile, and for the briefest second he would look like an actual father. It freaked me out, and I made sure to take Larry away from him and find an excuse to keep Steve away from him.

But lately the semi-normal life I had found in the past month vanished because he was everywhere. Sometimes I'd be eating breakfast and look up to find him sitting across from me at the table, a small smile on his face. Sometimes he didn't disappear like he should and I would speak to him. "What are you doing here?" I would ask.

_**Well its been building up inside of me  
For oh I don't know how long  
I don't know why  
But I keep thinking  
Something's bound to go wrong **_

And then he'd stare at me and shrug, then be gone. It made me so angry because I wanted to know why he was here. I deserved to know why he was here. After all, he was the one haunting me. I at least deserved some answers to my questions if I couldn't make him go away.

That night I get ready for bed, and then when I go to lay down I see him there, laying back on my bed, completely at ease. I stare at him for a while, a smile on my face. He looks so happy for once, something I never knew I'd see again. "I'm going crazy aren't I?" I ask, and his crystal blue eyes look up to find mine. He smiles at me and shakes his head. I want him to speak, so I ask, "Why are you here?"

He shrugs and I begin to get frustrated. He sees this and smirks. "Not any fun is it?" he asks, his lips curled into that smile of his that I had longed for these past five months.

"What's not any fun?" I ask, taking a step closer to him. He disappears and I sigh, getting very pissed at him. I feel something behind me and jump a little.

"Not having any control," He says, his voice making me shiver. I turn to face him, wondering if I can touch him, but he's gone again. I sigh and realize I really am going crazy after all.

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_**But she looks in my eyes  
And makes me realize  
And she says "Don't worry baby"  
Don't worry baby  
Don't worry baby  
Everything will turn out alright **_

_I open my eyes to find Ryan in bed next to me. I turn over and see he's propped up on his elbow, watching me sleep like he did that night before he left and everything changed between us. He smiles at me and I sleepily smile back at him. "You're still as beautiful as ever," He murmurs, reaching out to touch my skin gently. He mumbles something about silk and I stare at him, leaning into his touch. _

"_Am I dreaming?" I ask quietly, staring into his eyes. They no longer seem as empty as they used to, but are different in some way. I see regret in them and it makes me wonder what he did in order to feel that. "Or are you really here, right now with me?" _

_He frowns and says, "You're dreaming…kind of. I can only touch you when you dream. It's the only way any of this will work."_

"_Any of what? Can't we just be together? It's not that difficult. Larry is born and me and you can run away together…" I completely forget he's off in Iraq, off in war surrounded by all the death. All that I can remember is that I love him more than anything else and I just want us to be together again._

_He shakes his head and gives me a longing smile. "Things aren't that easy anymore," He murmurs, and suddenly his eyes seem to fill with tears. _

_I reach out and touch him, finding that he's now cold instead of warm. I furrow my eyebrows and he must notice this because he sighs. "Of course they can be. We can be together again…" I say, leaning close to him. I let him wrap his cold arms around me and bury my head into his chest, trying to smell his manly smell, but instead smelling something different. Something that I couldn't really put my finger on. Something I'd never smelled before._

"_You did love me," He says, a realization dawning on him. I nod and pull my head from his chest, looking up into his eyes. I put my hand on the side of his face and rub it gently, wanting him to feel how much I really do love him._

"_Of course. I told you…I've always loved you," I murmur quietly, looking down at his lips. He must sense that the atmosphere is changing because he leans down to kiss me, his lips pressing gently against mine. It sends shockwaves through my body. For some reason this kiss seems more charged than ever before. Maybe it was because it was supposedly a dream, or maybe I was just missing him so much that it became so much stronger. "I will always love you," I mumble against his lips, climbing on top of him._

"_But the lights…" He argues, pulling away from my lips, looking into my eyes. "What about the lights?"_

"_I flicked them, but a minute late because Steve somehow knew not to let me go to my room," I say sadly, looking into his eyes deeply. "I wanted to tell you so many things, but I just didn't know how to. Steve interrupted me when I was going to tell you," I reveal to him with a sigh. "And you left thinking I didn't love you, but I do Ryan. More than anything, I love you…"_

_Ryan pulls away from me and swallows hard. I feel him start to shake and I get off of him and pull him towards me, holding him to me, trying to comfort him. He looks into my eyes and says, "Marissa…I did some things…"_

"_What things?" I ask, looking into his eyes confusedly. What could he have possibly done to start shaking like that?_

"_Stupid things. I thought you didn't love me and I didn't pay attention to the harm I was doing…" he says with a sigh. _

"_But you're okay right now. You're here with me, alive and whole…" I say and he flinches at my last three words._

"_Marissa…" he murmurs, looking at me for a long moment. _

"_What is it?" I ask, kissing his forehead like he always used to do to me. "Come on, you can tell me anything."_

_He suddenly gets up and paces back and forth, running his hand over his head. I want more than anything to just take him into my arms and kiss him long and slow, like I've been dying to ever since I saw him next to me. I want to peel off his clothes and look at his bare body, memorize it the way I did back when we last made love, and make sure he never ever leaves me again. He turns to me and says, "No matter what happens, I want you to know that it's going to be okay, alright?" _

"_Of course it will if I have you with me," I say, moving towards him._

_He shakes his head and says, "No, no matter what happens, with or without me, I want you to know it's going to be okay? That I'll be okay."_

"_Ryan, what are you talking about?" I ask, raising my eyebrows at him._

_He sighs and says, "Just promise me that you know that."_

_I nod and say, "I promise."_

_And then he vanishes, leaving me all alone._

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_**Don't worry baby  
Don't worry baby  
Don't worry baby**_

I wake up the next morning and get up to go shower and get ready for school. I get up really early now because I have to feed Larry. Steve took night duty last night because I was tired and my mom was drunk. He was actually pleased to help out, and it killed me for him to be proud of being Larry's father. I sigh and when I go back to my room I see Ryan sitting on my bed like I found the day before. I stare at him, just like I do all the time and say, "I don't get how you can be here."

He shrugs and says, "Neither do I."

"I mean, aren't you supposed to be in Iraq?" I ask, going to grab some clothes for school. I start to take off my shirt and Ryan makes a small sound. I turn to him and raise my eyebrows.

"Don't you think you should go change in the restroom or something?" He asks, his eyes trying not to look at my bare chest.

I smirk and say, "It's my room and I don't feel the need to go into the restroom. Besides, it's not like you haven't seen any of this before…" I step out of my bottoms and panties, leaving me completely bare in front of him.

"You are quite the tease," He says, his eyes running over my body slowly. I roll my eyes and he smiles.

"So since you're getting a free show…do you think that maybe I can…" I suggest, a playful smile on my face.

Ryan sighs, shakes his head and says, "No. The less we do, the better."

"Better for who?" I ask, taking a step towards him, still naked.

He sighs and says, "For everyone." And then he vanishes again.

I sigh, get dressed, grab my bag, and then head to the nursery. Steve decided he'd want a nursery after all, wanting his son to have the best of the best. My mom realized after a while that Steve was the father and hit him quite a few times, but he just took the blows and then she agreed that we'd all continue our little lie of him being the step dad to be and me having a child with a mystery father. I kiss Larry goodbye, careful not to wake him, and then walk downstairs. I look through yesterday's mail, realizing I was too busy thinking I was going insane to see if I had received any. Nothing. I sigh, and then hear the doorbell ring. Summer's dad gives us a ride to school now, though it's obvious he doesn't like the fact that Summer is still hanging out with me.

When we get to school, I go to my locker and see Ryan standing there. I sigh and walk over to it, opening it and getting what I need, putting the rest away. I close the locker door and see him still there, staring at me longingly. It still doesn't make sense to me how he's here, unless of course I'm going crazy, but I didn't really think I was crazy before, so why now? The bell rings and Ryan says, "Don't be late.." Then he turns and walks down the hall, vanishing along the way.

I roll my eyes at him, upset for some reason, and then turn and walk away to my class, wishing his fingers were laced with mine.

_**I guess I should've kept my mouth shut  
When I started to brag about my car  
But I can't back down now  
I pushed the other guys too far **_

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"_It's going to be okay, I promise," Ryan says, the first thing I hear._

_  
"Why do you keep saying that?" I ask, staring at him for the longest time._

_He sighs and says, "Wait a couple of hours and you'll see…"_

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_**She makes me come alive  
And makes me wanna drive  
When she says "Don't worry baby"  
Don't worry baby  
Don't worry baby  
Everything will turn out alright  
**_

"Miss Cooper, what are you doing sleeping in class?"

I stare at my teacher and get red. Why was I sleeping in class? I hadn't been tired before, but suddenly I felt like someone was shutting my eyes closed and then I saw Ryan in my dream. Was he in some weird way causing this? And why was he appearing so damn much?

And what would I see in a couple of hours?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**Don't worry baby  
Don't worry baby  
Don't worry baby  
**_

We're on our way home, Summer's dad driving us, when I hear Summer's phone ring. She looks at it and her eyebrows furrow, but she answers anyways. "Um…hello?" She pauses. "Oh my God…um, yeah…we're almost there…"

She hangs up the phone and I ask, "Who was that?"

She refuses to look at me and says, "Your mom…"

I stare at her for a second and ask, "What? Why would my mom call you?" She doesn't answer and refuses to look at me. "Sum, what's going on? Did something happen to Larry?" I suddenly feel a surge of panic. What if something had happened to him? What would I do then? Because without him there was no point to my sacrifices lately…

She remained quiet and we got to my house. Summer stayed behind, telling her dad that she needed to stay with me right now, but I ran inside, afraid that something was wrong with my baby. "Mom, what's going on…is Larry alright?!" I call, searching frantically for my mom.

"Marissa in here!" Hear her call, her voice breaking. I walk in and she says, "Larry's fine…but there's someone here that needs to speak to you…"

I stare at her confusedly, and then notice that Seth is sitting down on our sofa. I look at him, even more confused now and say, "Seth?"

He nods and stands, refusing to look at me for a minute. "Marissa," He mumbles.

I look around, waiting for someone to say something. "Did something happen to Ryan?" I finally ask. I figure he got injured or something and he was coming home early. And maybe there was some kind of telepathic connection and he was telling me that he was really alright, that he wasn't too badly injured. "Will he be okay?" I ask when no one answers me.

"Oh honey…" My mom says, and then comes over to me, wrapping her arms around me. She starts to cry and then I see Summer come into the room, her eyes red from crying, her cheeks wet.

"No, Ryan is okay…he has to be.." I say, suddenly realizing what they were implying. Ryan said he'd be okay, he said he was okay…

"They found this in his belongings…" Seth finally says, handing me a letter addressed to me. I stare down at it and suddenly it all begins to hit me.

"So he's…he's…" I say, tears starting to come to my eyes. I look around and everyone remains silent. "Somebody answer me!" I shout, looking around frantically. I see him move out of the corner of my eyes, staring at me with so much pain in his face that I lose my breath. Then he disappears and I become more angry.

Summer comes and wraps her arms around me also and says, "Yeah, he is."

"No. That's not true…he wouldn't go off and die like that. He promised me that he wouldn't die…" I say, tears sliding down my face rapidly. I pull away from my mom and Summer's embrace and say, "He wouldn't leave me like that. Not my Ryan."

"Is that before or after…" Seth says, implying Larry.

I glare at him and say, "You have no right to say that."

He puts up his hands in surrender and says, "I'm sorry." He's quiet for a second and then says, "He was my brother, you know."

I don't say anything for a few moments, and then Summer asks, "How?"

Seth hesitates, but then he sighs. "Well…he tried to save a friend…" he says slowly, his eyes moving around crazily. "But it ended up killing him."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**She told me "Baby, when you race today  
Just take along my love with you  
And if you know how much I loved you  
Baby nothing could go wrong with you" **_

After three hours and a lot of crying downstairs, I decide to walk up to my room. I enter it and close the door, locking it behind me. I walk further in, feeling like my feet weigh a million tons and my heart hurts to much that I was sure someone had just ripped it away, leaving me torn and broken inside. "I'm sorry," I hear someone murmur, and immediately know it's him.

"You promised," I shout at him, not turning to face him. "You said that you would be okay. You made me promise you that I knew that, and when I did, you lied to me!" I walk further into my room, the tears starting again. I flop onto the bed and sob into the pillow.

"Marissa, I'm sorry," He says, and I feel him come closer to me. My skin starts to feel all tingly and he tries to touch me, I can tell, but can't. He gets frustrated and then says, "Damn't!"

I turn to look, but he's gone.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**Oh what she does to me  
When she makes love to me  
And she says "Don't worry baby"  
Don't worry baby  
Don't worry baby  
Everything will turn out alright **_

"_I didn't lie. I will be fine," Ryan promises, wrapping his arms around me. I stare into his eyes and start to cry, knowing that he's dead. That none of this is real. Or maybe that it is real and I was stripping for a ghost this morning._

"_But what about me?" I ask, crying softly. "What am I supposed to do without you? What's the point of me without you here?"_

_He smiles and kisses me tenderly, my tears falling onto his cheeks. I wrap my arms around him, completely forgetting for a moment that he's dead. That he'll never really kiss me again. That my tears will never be able to fall onto his cheeks as we kiss. He pulls back and looks into my eyes. "You're going to do great things, and you're going to have a family that loves you. You're going to be a great woman and one day you're going to realize that it had to happen this way. That we weren't supposed to end up together like we had hoped." He kisses me again, making me cry even harder because I know he's saying goodbye to me. "It'll be okay, and I'll always be watching you."_

_Then suddenly he pulls away and disappears, leaving me alone. _

"Ryan?" I whisper, opening my eyes and looking around in the dark. But he's gone.

Forever.

_**Don't worry baby  
Don't worry baby  
Don't worry baby **_

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**To clear up some questions I'm sure you will ask:**

**1: Robert (Ryan) did die of suicide. My grandma (Marissa) did not know of this until about two months ago. I had Seth say he died helping a friend because A) that's what they told my grandma and B) trying to help a friend was what killed him. Marissa was a friend, he fell in love with her trying to help her, and then died afterwards. **

**2. Robert's spirit according to my grandma (who I trust) did come back. You don't have to believe that if you don't want to, but she saw him, talked to him, dreamt of him, and then he was gone. When she talks about it, she says he was trying to make sure she'd be okay.**

**Any other questions, just ask me.**

**Reviewer of the chapter: **dani

**Juzzy88: **I'm sorry about you being sick and everything. I hope you get better. Steve is an evil bastard. Did you cry like you thought you would?

**CohenNAtwood: **A lot of people hate Steve. And it is very possible. He said he'd do it, you know. That if she wasn't there for him, he'd come back. But the seriously twisted thing was that she did love him, but he didn't know, and he made the wrong decision.

**Elly: **I agree with you on people being happy all the time, because that's exactly what annoys me. I'm actually a pretty big pessimist, more of a water half empty kind of person, and I can deal with people being slightly positive, but some people just overdo it and it gets annoying. Yeah, this really all happened to my grandma. She's been telling me about it since I was little.

**  
Dee1431: **It does end in death, but the alternative ending ends in them being together. I hate that there are like no more R/M stories anymore…well, very few ever. It depresses me when my story is the most updated R/M story.

**Leytonfan911: **Hmm….

**Dani: **Thank you. I think you'll just keep on crying though with the rest of the story. I shed a few tears thinking about it, and I'm never emotional.

**Francesfresh007: **My offer to talk is still up when you need it.

**BlueDepths: **What do you mean what happened in the end? Like what happened to my grandma or everybody?

**Lindsay: **Well….

**Ryan and Marissa 4Ever 2**: Hmm…

**J7chick18: **Well, apparently not.

**Sailaway: **Real Ryan never got married cause he killed himself. When I said he's lonely cause my grandma hasn't visited him in a while, I meant his grave. Which I have actually been to. I have no idea when their anniversary was, lol. No one asked, so I never came up with a day. Hmm, let's do the math. He went over to her house for dinner the day after Christmas (26), called her from away on the 27th, called again later on the 28th, came back on the 29th…so the 29th would be their anniversary. I meant to put this in the last individual reply to you, but I had this killer headache and forgot to include that. Anyways, I asked my grandma once last year about it and she told me that she liked to think that they would've ended up together happily, but for all she knew the war could've messed him up and he could've been a drinker afterwards and all that. But there's no mistaking that longing in her eyes that he might've come back home.


	39. Every Breath You Take

**A/N Song Used: Every Breath You Take by The Police. I was going to use the song, He Stopped Loving Her Today, by George Jones, but then decided that Ryan never really stopped loving her, so I didn't want to use that. This is the second song from the eighties that I talked about a long time ago. The song is from Ryan's POV imo. I'm sorry for it being so long, btw. Thanks for the reviews. Two chapters left! R/R!**

The time leading up to his funeral was spent in bed, not moving, and barely breathing. Tears would fall every once in a while, but for the most part I wouldn't do anything but stare off into space, trying not to think about anything, especially him. Because I knew that if I thought of the way his hair fell into his eyes when we were together, or those sparkling crystal blue eyes then I'd end up feeling a pain that is indescribable. If I thought of the way when he kissed me, it felt like the whole world stopped and allowed us that one moment together then I knew I wouldn't be able to go on without him. Because losing him meant I lost part of myself; my heart.

I hear a knock on my door and look up quickly to see Summer standing there, a frown fixed upon her face. "Aren't you supposed to be getting ready? We need to be at the church soon…"

I close my eyes for a second, fighting off the tears. Ryan was never supposed to leave me like this. He was supposed to know that no matter what, I loved him. That no matter what I said, I needed him. That no matter how bad things were, I still wanted him more than anything in this world. I look at Summer and say, "He was supposed to come back, and someday soon we were going to get married."

Summer must have understood that I needed to talk about it so she sat on the bed next to me, careful not to get her dress wrinkled or messed up. "Really?" She asks, looking up at the ceiling like me. "Where were you guys going to get married?"

"On the beach," I say, my voice strong and firm, but my insides shaky and weak. "We were going to get married on the beach and then have this great honeymoon…"

"Where?" She asks softly, looking at me.

I feel tears spring to my eyes and say, "We never got to pick a place."

_I nod and smile at him, finally touching my lips against his. After a minute, Ryan pulls back and I say, "I think that we should get married on the beach."_

_He looks off into space, contemplating it in his mind, then smiles and turns to look at me again. "I think that's a good idea."_

"_I have no idea who all of my bride's maids would be though," I say with a frown._

_We start to walk along together again and Ryan says, "Well, we have at least three years to think about it." He gets a serious face and says, "But there is one thing that we have to think about that is really, really important."_

_I look at him worriedly and ask, "What?"_

"_Our honeymoon," He says, breaking out into a smile. I roll my eyes and laugh. "What? It's a very serious subject," He jokes, defending himself._

"_As long as I'm with you, we could be in the middle of the desert and I wouldn't care," I say honestly, not smiling so that he could see the seriousness in my eyes. He stops smiling and stares into my eyes lovingly, stopping us by the railing so that we don't bother people._

_He leans in and softly kisses me, his lips showing me just how much he loves me. And without words, he tells me that he'd go anywhere that I want to go, anytime at all, as long as I'm there beside him. His tongue finds his way into my mouth, turning the kiss more passionate, and I wrap my arms around his neck tightly, never wanting to let go. His hands lightly touch my face, his fingertips feel like they're burning my skin. I pull back for air and he murmurs, "I can't wait until then. Until all this talk is for real."_

_I'm surprised that he'd come out and say that, but smile nonetheless. "I agree," I whisper, pecking his lips quickly._

_**Every breath you take  
Every move you make  
Every bond you break  
Every step you take  
Ill be watching you**_

"I'm sorry," Summer says, and I feel a tear slide down my cheek.

I get up and wipe it quickly, not wanting to cry anymore. Summer watches me and I shrug, acting indifferent. "It's only life right? This kind of thing happens all the time."

"It shouldn't," Summer says quietly, still watching me.

I shrug and say, "But it does."

"_She didn't deserve to die," He says after a while, his voice broken from the pain. "She didn't deserve to get hurt like that. She didn't do anything wrong. It's not her fault that the bastard was angry and drunk. It was wrong…so why did it happen?" He looks at me, asking me for the answers to something so much more complex than I can comprehend on my own. What is it that makes some people feel that they have the right to kill others to let out their anger or frustration? Why does the world allow such things to happen? Can we ever stop it? Could we have prevented it in some way? The questions are infinite but the answers are limited._

_I try to seem strong, but my answer is weak. "I don't know why it happened…why stuff like this happens…it just does. There's nothing we can do to prevent it and there's not much we can do afterward but try to move on and live our lives. But I'm not the person to ask about all of this…I've never lost anyone like this." I feel my voice break a little towards the end because suddenly I remember that Ryan is leaving for war soon, and there things like this happen all the time, are expected to happen. People go off and kill others for what? Money? A strong place in the world? Democracy? And yet after all these wars, there's still more and more. And Ryan's going right in the middle of that. I hold him tighter, but don't say anything because if I did, we'd get into another argument about Ryan leaving and I don't want that now. All I want…all I need…is to be with Ryan today, in the now_

Thinking back to that moment, I would've held Ryan longer and told him that the universe is cruel, but we don't have to be. That maybe death can rob us of who we used to be, but before that can happen, we have to let ourselves love with our whole hearts because someday that love can be taken from us. If I could go back to that moment I'd kiss him long and slow, and with my lips love tell him that I loved him more than I thought possible. I would've held onto him and never let go because maybe if I had, things would've been better.

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That night is just the service in the church, not the actual burial. No, that would be the next day. I walk into the church slowly, and immediately see the casket with the flag draped over it. It's a closed casket because he'd been shot in the head or something like that. I really wanted to just touch his body one last time, to feel his hand beneath mine, but I knew that maybe not seeing what had become of it was the best. Slowly, with feet that felt like they weighed two tons each, I inched my way up to the casket. People turned and stared at me and watched me, wondering what I'd do. I reached the casket and saw a large picture of him taken in his uniform. And then there were smaller pictures all around it from when he was a child, or even some of when I knew him.

"How could you just leave me?" I whisper, tears starting to fall. "Why?" I ask, my voice getting angry and just a little louder. "I need you…"

_He stares at me for a long time, until I'm under his spell and I can't fight back anymore. He shakes his head once again and says, "I will never leave you alone. I love you too much for that. I may be thousands of miles away, but I'll never leave you on your own forever." He leans his face a little closer and says, "I won't die…I promise you I won't."_

Summer puts a hand on my shoulder and softly murmurs, "They're about to start the service…let's go sit down…"

I just nod and walk with her, never taking my eyes off of the casket. A pastor makes his way up there and looks at everyone. "Good evening, we are about to start the service for Private First Class Ryan Atwood. Ryan was a young man, only nineteen when he passed. His family and friends say he was a loving kind and loving man, one that wasn't afraid to serve his country or do the right thing. He was a strong man, and the loss of him is one we take to the heart. Now I will let his adoptive father, Sandy Cohen, speak to you about Ryan."

I watch as Sandy solemnly makes his way up to the podium and stares out at everyone in attendance. There are quite a few people here since Ryan was so popular. Sandy nods at everyone and says, "Ryan was a one of a kind person. He was silent around many, only letting himself open up to a few special individuals…" His eyes find me and turn cold, making me shiver a little. He looks away and says, "But when you got into his heart, he didn't let you easily out."

"_I bought this for you…" he says, his voice thick with emotion that he's trying desperately to hide. "It's a promise ring," He continues, opening up a small, black velvet box and looking at it. "I know that I hurt you, and if you could give me a chance to explain my actions, I will do that." He looks up and into my eyes sadly and says, "If there's anyway that you can find it in your heart to forgive me…any chance that we could ever be like we used to be…" He sets the box on my desk and says, "Wear this ring and the next time I see you, I'll be looking for it. Because if you wear this ring, we're promising ourselves to forever together. It isn't an engagement ring, not yet. But when you're old enough, I know that we'll get married. When you realize that, the ring is here, waiting." He walks away without another word, leaving me to the ring._

_**Every single day  
Every word you say  
Every game you play  
Every night you stay  
Ill be watching you**_

Sandy lets out a small laugh, his eyes a million miles away. "I remember this one time when we first adopted him, we were talking about sports. He turned and looked at me and asked, 'What kind of guy wears a Speedo, plays around in the water, and calls that a sport?' And I looked at him and we decided that water polo was probably worth something to other people, but not to us." Sandy's eyes fill a little with tears, I can tell by the way they get really shiny. His voice seems sad as he says, "He was happiest this past year than I've ever seen him." His eyes find me again and he frowns. "I just wish it had been because of us." His comment confuses me. Why does he seem so upset with me? I sigh and just close my eyes, thinking of Ryan.

_Then he softly says, "To answer your question…I love you because you're different. I love you because you make me feel like I can do anything if I tried. Your eyes speak to me even when you don't say anything and your smile makes me feel whole. I've seen you when you're broken and I want nothing more than to just fix you and make you mine forever." He looks at me, his eyes serious and thoughtful. "I love you because when I first met you, you didn't act like I was some hot shot like a lot of other girls that I dated did. You know when to challenge me…like now." He gives me a crooked smile and quietly says, "I'm sorry for everything, but you have to believe me when I say that I love you more than anything because when you're with me…" He opens his mouth, and then closes it, trying to find the right word. "My heart beats hard against my chest and I want nothing more than to just take you in my arms and keep you there forever."_

A few more tears escape and Summer takes my hand and squeezes it gently. This only reminds me of Ryan once again, making even more tears fall down my face.

_He backs away from the railing and I notice that I'm still holding his hand. He laces our fingers together and we continue walking. I don't know whether to pull my hand away or leave it, but I decide that for now this is okay._

"He was a star athlete, he got decent grades, he did his homework on time and didn't get in trouble," Sandy says, his eyes glistening. "You think that you can protect them, but you can't. Your children, no matter how long they're with you…you want to keep them safe all the time. You think that you can put this bubble around them to block out all the troubles, but you can't." Sandy shakes his head and says, "He didn't even tell me he was enlisting until I found out on my own…" Suddenly the scene comes to mind again.

"_I'm not going to college…not yet. It's too late to submit another application. Besides, I've already talked to some guys when they came up to school and I can enlist when I graduate. I'm going whether you like me to or not…"_

_Kirsten's voice shakes as she says, "But you could hurt yourself…or worse. I can't let you go…not my son."_

_He looks at her, his gaze softening and he says, "I know, and I don't mean to hurt you…but it's not up to you to decide. I'm joining the army, and that's that."_

_I guess as this is all processing, I made a small squeak. I put my hand up to my mouth and all eyes in the room fall on me. Ryan's blue eyes find mine and his face goes from determined to loving and then to shock and to fear all in a moment. "Marissa…" He says softly, moving towards me._

"_Six o'clock," I say, moving away from him. Tears start to form in my eyes as I stare wide eyed at this man that I thought I knew…that I thought told me everything. "You said six o'clock and I came and I heard yelling and…" I trail off and look at Sandy who's gaze has softened a little at my obvious pain. "…and…army…" I turn and start to run from Ryan, not able to deal with this. Not able to process what this means for us._

"_Marissa, wait," He calls after me, running to catch up. He's faster than me and his vision isn't blurred by tears, so he gets and advantage and gets catches me. He puts his arms around me and pull me to his body and softly murmurs, "I didn't want you to find out this way…"_

_His words and explanations don't mean much to me at that moment though. Because at that moment, my mind could only process three words; Ryan, Army, Death. All that I can see are bombs going off and tombstones. Lots of tombstones, all of them lined up in a row. I see the guns and the salutes, the American Flag being folded up and handed to someone. I see a body being lowered into the ground, feel like a million bullets are lodged deep in my heart, that there's no way I can ever feel the same again. I look at Ryan and softly whisper, "How could you?"_

_**Oh, cant you see  
You belong to me  
How my poor heart aches  
With every step you take  
**_

Sandy's voice slightly shakes as he says, "I couldn't convince him to stay. And maybe if I had…" He sighs and shakes his head, closing his eyes for a minute. "One thing I learned from Ryan was that you can't let life slip away. You have to love and you have to hope, because that's what he did…it's what he died for." I didn't really understand that, nor did anyone else, but I figured that's what Sandy had to believe. "When we think of Ryan, I don't think we should think of his tragic death, but more of his last years here. He found love…" He stared at me, his eyes hard and cold. "He realized he had a family, he had a whole town backing him up…so rest in peace Ryan, because you deserve it." Sandy steps away from the podium and pats the casket, staring at the flag draped over it for a minute before making his way back to his seat.

The pastor nods towards Kirsten and she stands to go up and talk about Ryan. Part of me wonders why I didn't get asked to speak. Another part is relieved that I don't have to worry about it. Because what would I even say about him? Kirsten clears her throat and then says into the microphone, "Ryan was one of my boys. When I first met him I remember thinking that he looked so broken. His real mom had died, and he saw her while she was dead. It's something that changes a person, losing someone like that. I think that's why he was so broken. He witnessed first hand how cruel the world was. He never wanted to talk about it though…"

"_I barely know you." I say._

"_You know more about me than most people do. I haven't even told he Cohens exactly what happened to my mom, they read it in some file. I've never told that to anyone but you. And you….you know what it's like to feel like everyone wants you to be something but you want to be yourself. You know a lot about me and I just….I want to know you." He looks at me sadly and says, "Marissa…please."_

"I think that he would've come home just as broken from the war. He would look at us and not really see us, because he'd be thinking of everything he saw over there. Or maybe he just would've come home almost the same. Either way, I guess we'll never really know." She sighs and a few tears escape her eyes. "He was my son, whether a DNA test says so or not. I remember this one time, a couple of months after he first came to live with us, he looked at me for a really long time. I remember thinking, 'what does he see when he looks at me? A mother?' I guess I spoke out loud because he looked at me and shook his head, then said, 'No, I look at you and see my mother. You are my mother now.'" Her voice cracked as she said, "And now I'm wondering why, as a mother, I didn't convince him to stay."

_I wake up to the sound of his deep voice murmuring into my ear, "Marissa…come on, it's time to get up." I shake my head and grip him tighter. He laughs and says, "I need to go, come one."_

_I shake my head again and say, "No, I won't let you leave. I'm holding you hostage."_

_He laughs a little more and pulls away from me. I fight him on it, but he ends up winning and gets out of bed, then starts to get dressed. I let out a long groan and he laughs even more. Once he's dressed he comes to me and wraps his arms around me again. I stop making noise and let myself get lost in his embrace, reveling at the feeling of his strong arms holding me. "It's early, I know…but I have to go."_

_I shake my head and yawn. "I don't want you to leave me. Something will happen, you know it will. Nothing good will happen when you leave me."_

_"It will be okay," He says kissing my lips softly. "I promise you it will be okay."_

She refuses to look at me, I can tell by her eyes. I wonder why everyone seems to hate me. What did I do to them? Other than break up with their son? I sigh and lean back in my seat, listening to Kirsten continue to talk. "Ryan taught me that rebuilding a life after death is hard, but possible. I just hope I can follow my son's example and do that now."

_**Every move you make  
Every vow you break  
Every smile you fake  
Every claim you stake  
Ill be watching you  
**_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After the service, I stand and Summer takes my arm and leads me to the Cohens. I don't really want to go talk to them because they obviously don't want to talk to me, but I go with her anyways. When I get there I see Sandy and Kirsten talking to some other people and Seth sees me. He nods in my direction and makes his way over to me. "Hey," He says, a frown on his face. The frown doesn't seem aimed towards me, just life, so I don't feel as bad as I do earlier.

"That was a really nice service," I say quietly, not sure what else to say. Ryan was the only thing that we had in common and if you eliminate him, we're left with nothing but awkwardness.

He nods and says, "My parents wanted the best."

"The burial is tomorrow morning right?" I ask, making small talk.

He nods and says, "Ten in the morning. We wanted to get it over with early. They're going to do the three rifle volley."

I nod, though not sure what that is. Summer looks at Seth and softly says, "I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think I said that before."

He looks at her for a long time, probably trying to decide if she's being sincere or not. I nod to confirm that she is and he exhales long and slow. "Thanks," He mumbles, and then looks at me.

"What is she still doing here? She has no right to be here!" I hear someone yell. I look around and realize it's Kirsten. I wonder who she's talking about, but then see her staring at me with so much hate and rage in her eyes and realize it's me.

"Honey, calm down," Sandy says quietly to Kirsten, looking embarrassed. He puts his arm around her and she yanks it off angrily.

"No! No I will not calm down! He was my son and she just ruined his life!" She glares at me and shouts, "Someone get her out of here…now!"

Seth sighs and looks at me apologetically. "Look, this is a really big thing for my family right now. I think until things cool down…maybe you should just go?"

I stare at Seth like he's crazy. "Seth…he was my boyfriend. I loved him and you know he loved me. He'd want me here."

Seth sighs and says, "Though that may be right, this isn't a really good time for my family right now." He shrugs his shoulder and says, "I'll see you at the burial tomorrow." And then he walks away, leaving me gaping as he walks away.

_**Since youve gone I been lost without a trace  
I dream at night I can only see your face  
I look around but its you I cant replace  
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace  
I keep crying baby, baby, please...  
**_

_"Yeah, I guess. It just seems that my mom and I don't have the best relationship anymore. We don't eat breakfast together as a family and family dinners are just for show. We're like three people living in the same house, just passing each other occasionally." I shrug slightly and say, "And sometimes I wish I had what you guys have..." They all look at me and sit a little straighter, glad to receive a compliment. "I wish I could just have someone that cares about me the way you guys care for each other."_

_Ryan decides to speak up loudly enough for everyone to hear then. "There are people that care a lot for you, me being one of them," He says tenderly. "You have this certain light about you. Whenever you smile, you brighten up a room. And you may not think that you do, but I can guarantee it's true. And there's this sparkle in your eyes that didn't used to be there before, and I love to see it there whenever I look at you. It's part of the reason I fell for you, because of your eyes, because of your smile. And I think I speak for everyone here when I talk about those things. You may not have the best family at your actual home and that sucks, but you have us." He looks at the Cohens and sees that they're nodding so he continues. "And no matter how bad your life seems, you're always welcome here. Sandy and Kirsten love your company and Seth enjoys it as well. And me...well, you already know how I feel about you. You belong here, with me...with us."_

As we walk away, I wonder why everyone's acting as if I'm the one that put the gun to his head.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I dream of Ryan that night. I don't know if it's a Ryan that I make up, or real Ryan in spirit form again. Either way, I welcome him with open arms….literally. He smiles and wraps his arms around me, letting me hold onto his tightly. We're quite for a long time until he finally murmurs into my ear, "You were really strong today."

I shrug and say, "Not really. I just kept thinking of you and me and our relationship together…" I look into his eyes, see that they're still loving and whisper, "I love you so much…" I lean in to press my lips against his, needing to me with him right now.

He pulls back after a few minutes and smiles at me. "I love you too."

"Then why'd you leave me?" I whisper, burying my head into his chest. "How could you just let yourself die?"

He sighs and his body tenses slightly. "Have you read the letter I sent to you yet?"

"The one you had in your possessions?" I ask. He nods and I say, "No."

"Why not?" He asks, seeming slightly hurt.

I let a tear escape from my eye and he wipes it away tenderly. "Because if I read it, then I don't have anything new left of you. It means that everything will just be a memory…"

He shakes his head and says, "I'm still here. Not the same way, but I'm here when you need me." He kisses me again, his tongue sliding into my mouth. I moan, very surprised but pleased by his advance. He strokes my tongue with his and I feel my body becoming very, very turned on.

I pull back a little for air and ask, "What if I need you all the time?"

He laughs and shakes his head, making me pout. "We're not supposed to be together all the time, I realize that now. And someday you will too. Look…" He sees me start to get watery eyed again and pecks my lips. "Someday you're going to look around and realize that things happened the way they were meant to. Someday you're not going to need these dreams anymore, and I'll be sad, yes, but also happy for you. You deserve so much more than you have…" He kisses me long and slow again.

Since it's my dream, and in my dream I'm in charge, I end up convincing him to make love to me. Since it's my dream, I let myself feel the pleasures of him being inside of me, and enjoy staring at him naked in front of me. Since it was my dream, I let myself get convinced that I could still have a happy ending and never wake up, just staying with Ryan forever.

_**Oh, cant you see  
You belong to me  
How my poor heart aches  
With every breath you take**_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I wake up early the next day, remembering my dream of Ryan and sighing both contently and longingly. I look around, wondering if he's here, but then decide he's not anymore. I stand, take a shower, and then get ready for the burial, old memories of Ryan coming to me as I do.

"_So I kind of…um…well…just come on…" He gave me a nervous smile and held out his hand which I took and stood up. He laced our fingers together and went to the pool house, opening the doors. This was the first time that I was allowed in all night, and now I saw why. I gasped slightly at the sight before me; candles on every available surface, rose petals all over the bed. I felt my eyes get watery and Ryan asked, "Um…well…tears of joy?" I turned and looked into his eyes, his concerned and anxious eyes, and knew that there was no one else I'd ever want to be with._

"_Yeah, tears of joy," I say, laughing a little. He wipes away some of my tears, his fingers lightly touching my cheek sending electricity through my entire body. He leaned in and kissed me every so gently on my lips, making me feel like this was some sort of amazing dream. I didn't want to ever wake up. He pulled back and walked away from me, making me pout in his direction._

_He saw my pout and laughed a little, the sound happy yet nervous. "So I was thinking that we should have a song…"_

"_A song?" I asked, raising my eyebrows._

_He nodded and said, "Yeah, you know… a song. One that we dance to at our wedding…" He blushed a little, I could see even in the candlelight. "Well, anyways, I was going through that CD that you made me and I found a really good song for us. It makes you feel comfortable, and you said yourself while we were listening to it that you were reminded of me whenever you listen to it…" He pressed play on the CD player and the melody of 'Hallelujah' by Jeff Buckley came on. I smile and he walks back over to me. "Do you want to dance?" He asks quietly, staring lovingly into my eyes with his head angled at me._

_**Every move you make  
Every vow you break  
Every smile you fake  
Every claim you stake  
Ill be watching you  
**_

Throughout the whole burial, I can't get him out of my head. There were so many memories of him, mostly good, some bad.

_"Do you still love me?" He asks me._

_I start again by saying, "Ryan..."_

_"It's a simple yes or no answer," He says, ignoring what I'm saying, or not saying rather. _

_"Yes, or no, which is it?"_

_"I.." I start, but then close my mouth and sigh. I try to start again. "I...we..."_

_He doesn't say anything, just looks at me and says, "If you want, I'll stay away. I'll go off to war and you can forget all about me. I'll let you stay here with that idiot and raise the son that you know we could've shared, and I'll even never talk to you or write you or see you ever again if you don't want me to."_

I don't cry for the most part.

Kirsten comes up to me after a while and stares at me for a long moment. I just stare back at her, and then she sighs and says, "I'm sorry…about yesterday. I was way out of line."

I shrug and say, "It's fine."

My mom stands behind me, getting ready to protect me if necessary. What do you know…it was necessary. "So I was wondering…"

"Wondering.."

She sighs and then says, "His senior ring…he gave it to you before he left. I was wondering if maybe we could have it back. You guys weren't even together when he went to Iraq, and there's really no point to you having it."

I stare at her for a long moment, feeling understanding but unsure as how to go on. I hear him whisper, "Don't give it to her…" I look around for him but don't see him. "It's yours, I gave it to you…"

I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. I still wear his senior ring, it was on my finger right now. My mom puts her hand on my shoulder and says, "Ryan gave that ring to my daughter, Mrs. Cohen. I'm sure that he still wants her to have it."

"But they weren't even together!" Kirsten protests with a scowl.

"But he still loved her, and you know that," My mom shoots back. We're interrupted by a military officer saying something about getting the service started.

_**Every move you make  
Every step you take  
Ill be watching you  
**_

Kirsten glares at me and then goes back to Sandy and Seth. I sigh and lean against my mom, letting her take care of me this once. She hasn't been drinking, knowing she would be in public. I wonder how long until she starts again. Soon they get to the three rifle volleys. I don't know why, but there's something really eerie about hearing them giving orders, so I just stand there, feeling odd. Then I hear them say, "Ready! Aim! Fire!" I hear multiple shots go off and suddenly it all hits me. Soon Ryan is going into the ground…forever.

"Aim! Fire!"

They shoot again, and I feel it deep in my heart. The searing hot pain.

"Aim! Fire!"

I fall to my knees, feeling as if those bullets are lodged deep in my heart. I start sobbing hysterically, and my mom tries to console me. When that doesn't work, Summer rubs my back soothingly, but I know that they can't. No one can. I cry, the pain of losing Ryan finally hitting me, and the only person that can save me will be soon lowered deep into the ground.

_He walks over to me and kneels in front of me. "And this thing that we have here…it's right. When we're together, it's just right. And I know that even though I can be an ass and even though you are really angry at me and can't really support me right now, that you love me too and know deep in your heart that this is what you want." He takes my left hand and fingers the promise ring. "Wearing this means you want this…us…forever." You cups my cheek and rubs it tenderly with his thumb. He takes my left hand and puts it over his heart so that I can feel his heartbeat racing like mine. "And you may hate me, you may hold this against me for the rest of our lives…but that's just it…we have the rest of our lives together." He tilts his head and says, "And I'll spend every single day of it showing you how much I love you if you let me."_

"Someone shut her up!" I hear Kirsten yell.

"_Look, all the time that I was gone, I just kept thinking of you. There didn't go five minutes that you weren't on my mind. And maybe that's pathetic to some, but to me it means that I love you that much." He looks deeply into my eyes, hypnotizing me just like he always used to. He puts his hands on the side of my face, tucking the strands of my hair behind my ears and tilts his head in that loving way of his. "And when I was gone, it got me thinking a lot of the future and how much I really want to spend it with you…" He trails off and then smiles a little. "And then Kirsten said you were pregnant.."_

_I blink rapidly, trying to hold back the tears that keep springing to my eyes. "Ryan…" I murmur, not sure how to explain to him that I'm not pregnant with his child. I figured that he was upset about me being pregnant regardless. But despite my best intentions, I couldn't say anything else._

_He smiles widely and says, "And when she told me that…" He trails off and looks so deeply into my eyes that my knees go weak. "When she told me that I could imagine it, every part of it. Me and you raising our baby together, married and happy. I could see us in our house and a little baby running around that's the perfect blend of me and you, and I don't know…I loved the vision, Marissa…"_

_He trails off and then takes in a large gulp of air before saying, "And ever since then, there's been something I want to ask you." He takes his hands away from my face and grabs onto my left hand where I still was wearing the promise ring. Now I wish I had taken it off. He thumbs it for a minute, and then gets down on one knee…_

"_Wh-what are you doing?" I ask, my eyes open wide with shock._

_He looks up into my eyes, his eyes sparkling with love and happiness, and then asks, "Marissa Cooper, will you marry me?"_

I get pulled away by my mom and Summer, one person on each arm. I continue to cry, sometimes choking from crying so hard. We get into the car and I sob, "I should've said yes…I should've said yes…"

"_What's it to you if I die though? You obviously don't and never did love me," He challenges, his tone finally letting itself become bitter. I'd rather take the bitterness than the emptiness any day, because at least I know this way he can feel something. Maybe he'd come back after all._

"_Ryan, I did love you," I say, the tears back in my eyes. "You have to believe that."_

"_Why would I believe such a thing? I mean look at how easily you could just get rid of me. Obviously you don't love me and never did," He says, his tone getting angrier and angrier. "You know, after everything…I didn't expect you to be the one that hurt me."_

_He starts to walk away but I put my arms around him to stop him. "Ryan, I can't let you leave me like this." He doesn't move and I tug on his arms to turn him around. He looks at me for a minute and I pull off his sunglasses, revealing his beautiful blue eyes. I stare into them, and he stares into mine. His eyes are lighter than I've ever seen them, the person that used to live in there gone, taking away the color with them. I shake my head and say, "I loved you."_

"_Loved," He repeats, his voice now empty again._

"Sweetie, you need to calm down," My mom soothes, her voice calm and I know she's attempting to be comforting, but I can't be comforted.

"I can't, I can't calm down…" I sob, my body shaking.

_He suddenly gets up and paces back and forth, running his hand over his head. I want more than anything to just take him into my arms and kiss him long and slow, like I've been dying to ever since I saw him next to me. I want to peel off his clothes and look at his bare body, memorize it the way I did back when we last made love, and make sure he never ever leaves me again. He turns to me and says, "No matter what happens, I want you to know that it's going to be okay, alright?" _

"_Of course it will if I have you with me," I say, moving towards him._

_He shakes his head and says, "No, no matter what happens, with or without me, I want you to know it's going to be okay? That I'll be okay."_

"_Ryan, what are you talking about?" I ask, raising my eyebrows at him._

_He sighs and says, "Just promise me that you know that."_

_I nod and say, "I promise."_

"Why?" I murmur to no one in particular. Then I remember what he says, and shut up. He said it would be alright, and maybe it would. Maybe someday it would be okay. But for now…now I just needed him.

_**Ill be watching you  
Ill be watching you  
Ill be watching you  
Ill be watching you...**_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**I can only do this a small amount of more times on this story…**

**Oh, I wanted to ask. In your reviews, could you please tell me which story of mine you want me to continue the most so that I can focus on that for the short amount of time I have after I finish this one? Assuming you read them, at least.**

**Reviewer of the chapter: **elly

**Elly: **You'll see just how strong of a person she is in the afterward. She's been through a lot, that's for sure. I'm hoping I have enough time to write on my other stories. Some of them can actually be finished in a relatively short amount of time if I cut back.

**01ryanlover: **Thank you.

**CohenNAtwood: **I know, but it's a sad story.

**G - **yeah…

**Juzzy88**: Here you go : )

**Francesfresh007: **You're welcome for the help, and yes, he is dead.

**Najeda: **Thank you.

**Anon**: I know…

**Sailaway: **I'm gonna miss your reviews when this is over. Good guess about the AE ending…but not quite. You'll just have to see : ) I don't write anything other than RM unless I'm inspired to, so even if it didn't fit them, they'd be stuck playing the characters anyways, lol.

**J7chick18: **I'm sorry.


	40. Here Comes The Sun

**A/N Song used: Here Comes The Sun by the Beatles. This chapter is fast, short, and poorly written but I wasn't inspired to write it. The next chapter is the last one. I think that's really all I have to say about that. R/R!**

Time moved slowly in the months after Ryan's funeral. I like to sleep, because when I slept, I dreamed, and when I dreamed, I dreamed of Ryan. But when I had to live through the day, I went to school until I finished for the year, and then just stayed in bed all day. Steve would come into my room with Larry, but I refused to look at him, much less hold him. Steve would say something about me neglecting my baby when I shouldn't, and I wouldn't pay attention to him, just roll away and stare at the wall.

The truth is, I couldn't love my baby. He was the cause of all my problems, after all. If I hadn't been pregnant with him, then Ryan wouldn't have died. If I hadn't given birth to him, then Ryan and I would still be together. It was all his fault. That's what I told myself to survive through the day. Because if I didn't, then I knew the truth would come out…that it was my fault Ryan died. That he lost the will to live just because of me. Because I was stupid and let him go.

Summer would come into my room sometimes and sit down on the bed next to me. I refused to look at her, trying to tell her to leave me all alone. She never got the message. "You're destroying your life," She said one day.

I'd churlishly replied, "My life is already destroyed."

She'd shaken her head and said, "No, you're still alive."

"Maybe I don't want to be," I had snapped back, glaring at her. That was the angry part of me, the feeling that set in after denial. It was cliché to feel this way in that order, but I did.

"If you let yourself die, you're just as bad as him," Summer had said, and then stood.

I'd glared at her again and she'd left, leaving me alone. The next day she'd come back with a piece of paper. "We're going to play a game."

"Oh, fun," I'd said sardonically.

She'd ignored me and said, "You're going to take this piece of paper and write down a letter to Ryan. I don't care what it says, I won't read it. I think you need to do this though."

"Where's the game part of this?" I'd asked, not seeing a point to this painful activity.

"Okay, it's not a game, but you still need to do it," Summer had said angrily, throwing the paper at me. "Where's a pen?"

"Up your ass," I replied, glaring at her.

She sighed and said, "One of these days I'm not going to be here for you to push around anymore. I thought you of all people would understand not to let time slip by." And then she left, leaving me baffled and staring after her.

_**Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,  
and I say it's all right **  
_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

My mom also tried with no result to get me out of my room. She'd bring me food that I only nibbled at, and sat on my bed staring at me. I would stare at her too until she would just sigh and say, "You need to stop this, Marissa."

"Why don't you just go drink yourself away? It's not like you care about me anyways," I'd angrily tell her, my eyes narrowing, remembering all the pain she'd caused me. She was part of the blame too. If she hadn't been so stupid, maybe she would've been able to see that her stupid fiancé was raping me.

"I'm your mother, you have no right to talk to me like that," She'd said, her jaw clenching.

"Sure know how to show it," I mumbled, my glare intensifying.

Then she'd usually slap me and leave, smirking at her as she left. I didn't give a fuck about anyone anymore, especially myself.

_**Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter  
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here  
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
and I say it's all right **_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"_You're only causing more pain for yourself," Ryan said one night in my dream. He stared at me with a look of disappointment and pity. "You can't keep living angry at everyone.'_

"_You have no right to talk," I'd replied, staring at him for a long time. "You're the one that left me remember?"_

_He sighed and said, "Yeah, Marissa, I left, but you also didn't give me much reason to stay. So maybe you should think about that instead of being angry at everyone else."_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

One day I stopped being angry. It was a couple of months after the funeral, in late July. I still refused to take care of Larry, but Steve had learned how to take care of him without me. Sometimes I'd get out of bed and go to the nursery to see Steve cradling Larry against his body and it tore my heart in two. Other times I just refused to claim Larry as my son at all.

But somewhere after the anger, I started feeling really guilty for everything. Like maybe it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. If I hadn't led him to the impression that I didn't need him anymore, then he'd still be here. If I hadn't refused to his calls or had written him instead of blocking him out of my life, he would've had reason to stay. He wouldn't have thought that his life was useless anymore. He would've fought harder.

One day I just went for a walk, not caring where I ended up. I ended up going to the beach, to the lifeguard station. I sat there, in the place that Ryan had once sat and closed my eyes, pretending that his arms were around me. I pretended that the breeze was his breath against my skin, that the wooden back was his body. After a while, I convinced myself that it was real. That maybe he really was here with me after all. That maybe I wasn't going crazy this time.

_**Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces  
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here  
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
and I say it's all right  
**_

_I nod and give him a small smile. He smiles back and I say, "I'm going to be honest with you…I kind of want to kiss you." His smile widens as my words sink in and I say, "But the problem is that I'm not ready yet." He nods and I pause, thinking of what to say. When I think of something, I say, "So though I can't tell you the exact day or hour or month even….know that all this effort that you're putting into making me fall for you isn't a lost cause."_

_He's quiet and then says, "So you're falling in love with me?" I blush and look away without saying anything. I look out at the sun setting and I feel Ryan's arms tighten around me, pulling me closer to him again. I rest against him once more and he kisses my head lightly and I feel butterflies in the pit of my stomach. He puts his face close to mine and says, "I can't wait until the day that you can tell it to my face…because I know that day will come sooner or later." I don't say anything and he continues, "And I can't wait until the day that you can finally let go of whatever it is that's holding you back from me and learn that when you let yourself fall, I'll be here to catch you." He gets quiet after that, and we both just watch the sun set peacefully._

I don't know why, but I open my eyes and whisper, "I wish things could've been different between us…that maybe I would've been more willing to love you in the beginning. We would've had more time…" I start to cry silently at first, but then with a growing fierceness. Soon I can't hold back anymore and let out my gut wrenching cries that I've been hiding deep inside of me. "I would give anything to have more time…"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"_You're getting better," He murmurs into my ear, smiling at me._

"_What if I don't want to?" I ask, staring at him with tears in my eyes._

"_You'll never forget me," He promises with a slight smile. "I promise."_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When I got home that day, I walk into my room and see Ryan's letter sitting on my bed. I don't remember putting it there and I don't even think I've seen it since Seth handed it to me. I stare at it for a long time and then pick it up, feeling the paper in my fingers. I hold it against my chest and let a few more tears fall down my face before I take the letter and put it in the box with the rest of his letters. Then I lay back down on bed and just start to cry.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

One day I forgot exactly how his bangs fell into his eyes and completely shut down. No matter how many times I closed my eyes, I couldn't picture it, just the way his hair looked the last time I saw him; short and barely there. I got up and searched for some pictures of him, but couldn't find any for some reason. They were nowhere to be found and I frantically asked my mom, "Where are his pictures? I know there were some…where are they now?"

And she said, "Whatever you do with your stuff is your business."

Then I remember Steve's fascination with burning things in the fireplace and know what happened to my pictures. They were gone forever. The Cohens still wouldn't speak to me, and that meant that there was no way of getting anymore. I cried even more, realizing that I hadn't even taken any of him with my phone. Ryan was gone.

_**Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...  
**_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"_I don't have your pictures anymore," I say, sitting down next to him one the sand." _

_He nods and says, "I know, I saw what happened to them." He looks at me for a long time and then gives me an apologetic smile. "You know what I look like now though. You can see me whenever you want to."_

_I shake my head and say, "I can't close my eyes and imagine you the way I used to. The image is slightly blurry."_

_He sighs and takes my hand in his. "It's going to get better. One day you won't need to see me all the time in your head anymore. And besides, you still have all your memories, and that's what's really important."_

_I sigh and say, "If you say so…"_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The depression hits in August and lasts through October. One day I just realized that without the bargaining, without the anger, without the denial….Ryan was really gone. That no matter what I did, no matter what I said, no matter what I let myself believe…he was never coming back. And that made me feel a greater ache inside of me than ever before because I just didn't know what to do.

When you're depressed, it hits you everywhere. It's the only thing you feel, the only thing you see, the only emotion you can really comprehend. You feel as though everything is pointless in the grand scheme of things. I stopped eating unless fed, stopped bathing unless helped, stopped waking up unless shaken. Summer said she was watching me slowly whither away and didn't know what to do to save me. I told her that there was no point in saving me if part of me was already dead.

Summer would come over and say, "Today you're going to get out of bed."

And I'd just hide under the covers and say, "Today's the day I'll finally die."

She would shake her head and say, "No, you're not going to die today. Today we'll go to the beach. You love the beach."

"_I love the beach," I say softly as we walk along._

_Ryan is quiet for a minute, then says, "I love the beach too." He smiles, turning his head and kissing my forehead softly. "And I love you. So being at the beach with you is a win-win situation for me." I smile, turning my head to look into his eyes. They sparkle from the sun, and I see the warmest glow of happiness radiating from them to my own eyes. _

"_What do you love about the beach so much?" he asks, his voice velvety smooth._

_I shrug and look out at the crystal blue water, it reminding me of Ryan's eyes. I smile and say, "I love looking at the water and the way it sparkles…like you." I turn and look into his eyes, my smile widening. He leans in and kisses me, his eyes twinkling. Our lips move together for a few seconds before I pull back and say, "And as I've told you, I love the sunsets on the beach. What do you love about the beach?"_

_He ponders it in his mind for a moment, his face getting that brooding look that he does when he's thinking hard. "I think I like just being out here in the sun with the sand between my toes. It's hard not to love the beach, and I can't pinpoint the exact thing that draws me to it…just like I can't choose that one thing that I love most about you." He smiles softly and says, "It's a combination of things that makes it so wonderful, I guess."_

I'd shaken my head and yelled for her to get out.

My mom would come in and say, "Your son wants you and needs you. We can't keep taking care of him like this."

And I would say, "Tell your fiancé that he should've kept it in his pants and you wouldn't have had to worry about it."

One day in October my mom came into my room holding Larry. "Someone's here to see you," She'd said, sitting on the edge of my bed with him.

I'd pulled the covers over my head and said, "Get him away from me."

I don't know what made that day different than any other day, but she yanked off the covers and shoved him into my arms. "He's YOUR son, not mine. Yes, he may be Steve's but he won't stop crying because he wants his mother. Someday you're going to remember this and call yourself stupid for letting so much time go by."

She walks away, me glaring after her. I look down at Larry and see that he's grown so much in the past couple of months. He sees me and smiles, then coos. For the first time in months, I felt a smile form on my face. A real genuine smile. And I feel the strangest thing that moment…almost like part of my heart has come back.

_**Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting  
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear  
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,  
and I say it's all right  
It's all right  
**_

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**I don't really think there's a point to a reviewer of the chapter anymore. So Elly… I guess you'll go down in Lollypops and Letters history as the last one in the last chapter.**

**Marseille: **I don't mean to make you guys cry..

**Ally: **I haven't seen 'Bones' in a while but it used to be my favorite show after the OC ended. Then I had other things to watch. But sorry, Ryan's really dead…not in the alternative ending though.

**Girlz-Rule: **Believe it or not, I didn't think you had abandoned the story which is odd considering I have abandonment issues. This is really depressing. The last times we'll talk on this story…

**Francesfresh007: **In their defense, Marissa did leave Ryan with a bad impression…even if it wasn't intentionally. And you have to remember that they knew he killed himself over her, but she didn't…until she was in her fifties.

**Juzzy88: **Alright, thank you for that.

**Docholiday024: **I only killed him cause it's what really happened.

**Sailaway: **Yes, I will really miss your long ass reviews, lol. I'm going to be honest, I had like a really big debate with myself on whether or not to kill Ryan like I was supposed to. Everyone just loved Ryan and Marissa so much and I knew that people would get upset and probably stop reading, but I figured if I told the story from start to end, then the people that still did read and review would know the real ending. That's why I'm including the alternative ending. I couldn't just let you guys get an unhappy tragic ending. I'm considering not making it a one shot, but I don't know for sure. It depends on my mood when I write it. I have to be inspired, which gets annoying, but it makes all the difference.

**J7chick18: **The alternative ending will hopefully make up for everything…

**Elly: **It made my day when you said I make your day when you see a new update by me.**  
**

**Mrs. Bridget Vreeland Richman: **First off, Death Cab freaking rocks. Secondly, thank you. I'm glad that someone appreciates a tragic story. I personally find myself drawn to tragedy, which isn't a good thing I guess, but they're just so much more interesting you know? And they make you really think about life too.


	41. All I Have To Do Is Dream

**A/N So this is it. We're done with the real story of Lollypops and Letters. The afterward will follow in a little bit. Song used: All I Have To Do Is Dream by The Everly Brothers. I want to thank every single person that read and reviewed. Over the course of this story I've lost friends, made friends, lost the thrill of life, and found it again. This chapter is dedicated to all of you for that. Whether you knew it or not, you were there during some of the toughest times of my lfe. Thank you. R/R, something important follows after this, so make sure you read that.**

I wish I could say my story has a happy ending, but I'd be lying. Sometimes in life happy endings aren't real, just a distant fairytale. Sometimes the supposed happy ending happens when you're old and gray, looking back and seeing everything you've overcome. Some special few do receive the ending they want at a young age with no heartache, but I sadly am not one of them. I know what it means to kill yourself and what it feels like to lose someone so close to you that you feel they've taken a part of you with them. And though you never really get that part back, you learn how to form a new heart out of your broken one. Sure you can see the scars, but after a while those scars fade.

Larry was now over a year old. He could talk enough that I could understand him, and turned out to be a very bright boy. Every time I saw him I felt a small twinge of familiar pain, but it was now barely noticeable. I've gotten used to life without Ryan, just like he said I would. Larry usually filled my time by making me so busy, always running after him. He made me feel alive though, which was really nice compared to always feeling so empty and alone. The world worked in mysterious ways. Larry was what tore me and Ryan apart but also what kept me going after Ryan was gone.

Ryan didn't visit me anymore. I stopped dreaming him every night, only every other night, and then every week, and then only once a month. Now it's rare I ever dream about him, and when I do it's just an old memory. He was right about me not needing him in my mind all the time. He'd make a sudden appearance, usually when I would let my mind drift away while watching a sunset on the beach. Sometimes it physically hurt me when he wasn't here, but mostly I just smiled because I'd ever had him at all.

My life wasn't simple, that was for sure. Between taking care of Larry and getting pregnant again, I had to drop out of school. Steve once again raped me in November of my junior year and once again didn't use a condom, resulting in the pregnancy of my baby Gary. Steve started drinking when I became pregnant once again, which resulted in him abusing me even more. He stared kicking me, and with me being pregnant with Gary I ended up going into premature labor. I gave birth to him at six months and watched in agony as he lived on an incubator at the hospital for three months before he was finally allowed to come home, healthy as new.

Now it was December of what would've been my senior year at school. I go to classes a couple of times a week to earn my GED. The exact day would be December 29, on what would have been Ryan and my three year anniversary. I feel the familiar pain wash over me for a second before stepping out of the car. Summer had decided to drive me to the cemetery and keep Larry and Gary occupied for a little bit before I came back. I didn't like leaving them alone with my mom and Steve because my mom had a tendency to be very abusive lately with insults. Not that she hadn't been before.

I look over at Summer one last time and she gives me a supportive smile. "You need to do this, Marissa," She says softly, her brown eyes soft and warm. I sigh and nod, clutching the letters to my side. I slowly walk towards his grave, seeing the tombstone immediately. It's really nothing special, just says his name and the day he was born and died. I don't know why the Cohens didn't go all out with the tombstone like they did everything else. Maybe it was too hard for them to come up with the right thing to say so they just left it blank. I didn't know, but figure that isn't the most important thing right now.

_**Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream  
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream  
When I want you in my arms  
When I want you and all your charms  
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is  
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream**_

"Um…hi…" I say shyly, feeling myself blush. I couldn't understand it, but I felt so weird whenever I came here. Like maybe I was crazy for still loving him, even if I didn't dwell on it like I used to. Sometimes I blushed because I felt like I was here for him to see, but since I couldn't see him, it felt weird talking to him.

I sit down and then decide just to lay down, my head against the tombstone, my arms stretched out, forgetting the letters for a moment. "Do you remember the sun? Do you even see the sun anymore?" I stare up at the sky and see the clouds drifting by, big and fluffy. One looks like an elephant, one like a heart. I smile and ask, "Are you trying to send me a message?" I don't get an answer, but I feel it deep I my heart. He was still here, even if he wasn't technically here anymore. "For the record, I love you too. I know that's what you're saying." I turn and run my hand over the grass for a long time, staring lovingly at the grass.

I close my eyes and pretend that the soft blades of grass is his hair, and I run my hair over it softly. "Mmm…" I murmur slightly, opening my eyes again and staring at the grass with tears filling my eyes quickly. "Larry's been talking so much lately. Sometimes I can't understand what he's saying, but it's really funny to watch him. He talks with his hands…" I sigh and close my eyes, leaning my head back onto the grass. "I wish he was yours," I admit, catching myself by surprise. I'd never said that out loud, though people probably knew that I thought it all the time. "I wish things had lasted between us. You would've been a great father…the best ever. And of course, the most wonderful husband." I smile and kiss the tombstone, leaving some shiny lip gloss behind.

"Well, I actually didn't come here for casual talk, believe it or not. I can do that at home…in fact, you probably know that I do actually do that at home." I take in a large gulp of air, feeling suffocated suddenly. "I'm here to one…wish you a happy anniversary." I smile a bittersweet smile, remembering how we got together in the first place. Three years ago today.

_I'm quiet and he focuses on the movie once more. A couple of minutes later I ask, "Ryan?"_

"_Hmm?" He asks again._

"_Do you like that girl Taylor?" I ask curiously._

"_Yeah, I guess," He says with a shrug, still watching the screen._

"_No, I mean….do you really like her?" I ask._

_He looks at me and says, "Of course not, I like you. No, let me rephrase that, I love you. Not Taylor, not a random girl in LA, you, Marissa Cooper."_

"_I was just asking," I say, keeping my tone light. "Cause you know, she obviously likes you." I had to make sure that he was absolutely sure he didn't like Taylor before I did what I was about to do._

_He gives me a small smile and says, "Well, I don't care what she thinks. I don't like her in that way."_

_He turns back to the screen and I smile, feeling the butterflies form and my heartbeat rapidly get faster. I take a deep breath before asking, "Ryan?"_

"_Hmm?" He asks once more, still looking at the screen._

_I smile slightly and decide, it's now or never. I put my hand on the side of his face and turn it so he's looking into my eyes. "I love you," I whisper, and then lean in and kiss him; this time for real._

_**When I feel blue in the night  
And I need you to hold me tight  
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is  
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam  
**_

"And two…" I take the two letters, on with a blank envelope but a letter addressed to me inside and another one with the name, 'Ryan,' written in my neat cursive with a letter from me to him inside. "I think it's time. I think I'm strong enough to do this now." I sigh, letting out all the air in my lungs, and then inhale through my nose slowly, calming myself down. As a teenage mother of two who is constantly getting beaten and having to defend herself, learning self-control is a must, and I learned it with ease. It's one of those skills that everyone should have, but I learned due to extenuating circumstances. "So which do you think I should do first?" I ask, even though I know he won't answer. "You're really hard to talk to sometimes, I feel like everything between us is one sided." I roll my eyes at my non-funny joke.

"Okay, fine, I'll choose. I will read what I wrote to you. I will warn you, it's kind of long." I open the letter, keeping myself collected and together. This was the easy part, reading what I feel. The hard part would be reading what he wrote to me in that time of pain and longing for me. A time I wish I could erase, but knew I couldn't. "Okay, so here it is. No crying." I look at the tombstone with a smile before turning serious. "Dear Ryan…

"There are a lot of things that I wish I had told you. Maybe if I had, then you'd be still be here. Maybe if I hadn't doubted our relationship from the start, then we would've made it. I didn't ever mean to cause you so much pain, it just seemed like you should have a better life than what I had to offer. I was trying to be selfless, which didn't end up working. I was angry at you for the longest time because I know that you let go and lost yourself, even if it was partially my fault. I didn't put the gun to your head, though sometimes people make me feel like I did…" I sigh and close my eyes momentarily before deciding to continue.

"I know it seemed like maybe I didn't love you as much as I could've, but you have to believe me when I say I loved you with all of my heart. I could imagine our wedding on the beach, the sand between our toes, the smiles on our faces. I could imagine the breeze and the salty ocean air, but it was just that…my imagination. Some things aren't meant to happen, and now I'm just starting to realize that. You will always be my first love, but you weren't meant to be the one I marry. It hurts to know that, but it's true, and you know it. I guess that's what you were trying to tell me those months after you died.

"I really did want to live my life with you and only you. Rich or poor, sick or healthy, alone on some island or in a big city… I would've done anything to be with you. But when I had that chance, I said no, and for a long time I regretted that decision. I'll always wonder, 'what if,' but I guess we'll never know. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out between us, which is ridiculous to think, but those things happen, you know they do.

"Sometimes I dream of you, of us, of what we used to be. I close my eyes and let myself remember how soft and gentle you were as we made love, and I let myself relive the memories of that pleasure. You taught me how to love, Ryan, after I thought that loving someone was impossible. Before I met you, I occasionally thought of killing myself, but then you came into my life and those ideas seemed ludicrous. Who would want to kill themselves when they have you in their life? You're perfect in every way, my dream guy, yet you're not mine anymore. I let you go, or at least I'm trying to by writing this letter.

"I know you're still around. I feel you staring at me every once in a while, especially when I'm getting dressed or undressed. Don't think I don't notice! I don't find it very fair considering I get nothing in return. Maybe you could make up for that?

"I'm just kidding, I know you can't. Whatever we had going on in the dreams had to end, and now I finally realize that. You weren't really there and we really couldn't be together, you were just trying to ease out of having me in your life constantly and I was trying to hold onto you forever. It's probably hard for you to watch me and not come to me and hold me like you want to. I know that it's not fair to have to watch me live out my life and wish you were a part of it, but not be. I think if the roles were reversed, I would feel that way too.

"I'm never going to forget you, I want you to know that. I'll keep you with me and I'll tell our story because it deserves to be told. What we had was real and strong and people deserve to know that. People deserve to know about you because you were my savior when I thought I couldn't be saved, my knight in shining armor, my Ryan. What else is there to say?

_**I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine  
Anytime night or day  
Only trouble is, gee whiz  
I'm dreamin' my life away  
**_

"So I think this is it. It's time for me to say goodbye to you, because I know that's what you want. I'll always love you, forever and always, even after I die. Because I know that you still love me, even after everything.

"Marissa." I fold the letter back up and stare at the tombstone, almost as if it's Ryan's face and I'm trying to judge its reaction. "So what do you think?" I ask, even though I know there won't be an answer. I sigh and run my fingers over the grass again, trying to calm my nerves. Now I know it's time to read his letter, and I'm not sure I'm entirely ready for that anymore. I sigh and say, "I know I should read it…but it's hard you know?" I feel the wind blow and take it as a sign that I need to read it already. "Fine, but if I cry, it's all your fault." I open the envelope and start to read, hearing his voice inside my head speaking the words to me.

_Dear Marissa,_

_I remember when I first saw you. You were looking down and I just wanted you to look up. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I walked into you on purpose that day. You looked so troubled and I wanted to get your mind off of those troubles of yours. I'd never seen anyone quite like you before, but I don't know what it was that set you apart from everyone else. It couldn't have been your beauty, because I'd seen a number of beautiful girls before, though none that looked just as beautiful as you. Maybe it was a look in your eye that I'd never seen before; emptiness. I didn't get how someone could let themselves become empty inside, until now._

_When we first held hands, I knew that we were going to end up together. Our hands were perfect for each other. They still are. If you put your hand over mine and we laced our fingers together like we always used to, you would know that we were just made to be together. You can't deny it because you know it's true. You've always known it was true. I don't know why you're trying to convince yourself otherwise because it's a lost cause. Someday you're going to close your eyes and see me there, my hand outstretched, and you're going to want to take it only to realize that really, me being there is an illusion and you lost your only chance because you decided to listen to him._

_When we first kissed under that mistletoe, I knew that what we had wasn't fake or something that could be replaced. What we had was true love, Marissa, even if you didn't see it at the time. Because I knew from the moment your lips touched mine, you were and would always be the girl for me. Call me corny, cheesy, or even plain old stupid…but you completed me in every way. When we first made love I thought that the whole universe was rooting for us to be together. Because I loved you so much, and the way your body moved with mine told me that you loved me too. But maybe I let myself believe the lie that you told me, that we really might have a happy ever after. Or maybe all those times you doubted our love, you were really being truthful. Maybe you never did believe that we were destined._

_I spent six whole months wondering what had happened to you. Six months of my life worrying about you, only to find that you didn't really love me anymore. Only to find you pregnant with his baby. Only to find that you didn't want to marry me like I thought you had wanted. Do you remember that talk we had that one day? You asked me if I wanted a big or small wedding, and then we agreed on a wedding at the beach. What happened to that plan?_

_Those six months were pure hell for me. At first I thought that maybe your letters were getting lost in the mail, or maybe mine were. But then the Cohens started writing me back and I knew that you weren't returning my letters. So then I figured, maybe you were just busy, then months went by and you still hadn't written me. Seth wrote and said you had bruises on your face, and I knew right away that me leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. Because the minute I left you, so did me protecting you. I was stupid to have never seen that before. And then Kirsten told me you were pregnant and all that went through my head was that we were going to have a baby. And the craziest thing was that I was looking forward to it._

_We may be young, you especially, but I don't think that matters in the grand scheme of things. Because when we're a hundred years old with tons of children and grandchildren, who would really care that we had kids so young? Because then we could tell them that we fell in love and found our perfect someone at such a small age, and maybe they'd feel inspired or something for when they'd find that right person. But when I came home, you were different, and I don't know why I didn't realize what you being pregnant would do to us. I guess I was so wrapped up with the good, I didn't realize the bad._

_I always knew in the back of my mind that if you were getting beaten, you would also probably get raped. I just didn't want to think about it. But when you told me it wasn't mine, I knew it was his. And I didn't freak out the way you probably thought I would because I was just so upset that it wasn't mine and we wouldn't have that perfect family. It was only a minor setback to me though, because I would've raised Larry as my own. Yes, I know his name. Anyways, in my eyes, he would've been mine. Because we could've told the Cohens that he was mine and they would've believed us without a doubt. We could explain why he doesn't look like me by saying he looked like you and an old relative of yours. That happens all the time, you know. It would've worked if you let it_

_I tried to live without you, I really did. And I just don't know how to. War is a difficult thing, and even more difficult when you don't have someone you love back home to keep you motivated. Well, when you don't have someone that loves you back home to keep you motivated. I'm not perfect, and maybe someday you'll understand why I had to do this, just like I understand why you had to do what you did to me. I can't wait for a day I know won't come, because I know that if you loved me, that's what you'd want me to do. But if you don't love me, then maybe I'm doing you a favor._

_I know you don't want me to write to you anymore, but this is my last letter. I needed to say goodbye, and now I finally have. Never doubt that I loved you, Marissa._

_I'll love you until the day I die._

_Forever Yours,_

_Ryan Atwood._

_**I need you so that I could die  
I love you so and that is why  
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is  
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream  
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam**_

Tears stream down my face, slowly at first, but then faster and faster as I neared the end of the letter. "I'll love you until the day I die? I think you lied there…I know you did," I say, shrugging off the comment. "If I've learned anything about you, it's that you hate it when I doubt your love for me." I stare at the letter again, glancing over it quickly again before saying, "Oh Ryan…" I start to sob and bury my head into the ground, trying to block out everything else. "How could I have been so stupid? I'm so sorry for making you lose the will to live. I never meant that…"

But then it hits me that he knows that. That he's known that since right after he died, when he was watching me mourn over him. That he knew I loved him and would always love him, and that was okay with him because he knew that at least I returned the feelings. That we were in love, but not together, and never would. Somehow he was okay with that now, and I didn't understand that at all. "You make it almost impossible to get over you," I murmur, rolling my eyes at him. "What did I ever do to deserve someone as great as you?" I cry for a little while longer, but for the most part, I feel better than I have in a long time.

"Momma!" I heard Larry shout, and then he ran towards me as fast as he could, which wasn't too fast. I smile a little and wipe my tears away, but they keep falling. I sniffle and he reaches me, holding his arms out for a hug. I pull him into a hug, burying my nose into his hair, smelling that innocent smell of his. I feel my smile widen as he asks, "Why you cwyin?"

I pull back and kiss his forehead, seeing the worry on his face. I smile and shake my head. "I'm not crying anymore. You don't have to worry about it, okay? I'm alright." He still seems unsure but nods and smiles a little. I feel my smile widen and say, "Tell Aunty Summer that I'll be there in just a sec okay?"

He nods and turns to run back to the car. I hear him talking to Summer and smile, then turn back to the tombstone. I put Ryan's letter back inside the envelope and then stand slowly, dusting myself off. "Happy Anniversary," I murmur, leaning down to kiss his tombstone again, leaving another trace of my lip gloss.

_**I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine  
Anytime night or day  
Only trouble is, gee whiz  
I'm dreamin' my life away  
**_

Real life isn't about happy endings. Real life is about learning how to close your eyes and let yourself fall, taking the chance that someone will catch you. It's about letting go of all your fears and worries and living in that one moment that everything seems to be going according to plan, and shrugging off the bad times like they're no problem at all. It's about loving someone so deeply that death can't even stop it, about letting yourself trust someone with a secret when you feel there's no one that can be trusted. Real life was about learning from your mistakes and making sure you don't make them again. Real life is about second chances.

You may ask if Ryan saved me, and he did. He saved me in so many ways that I feel like I owe him my whole life. He picked me up when no one would touch me and pieced me together again, carefully constructing me into someone better. He loved me in a way that you can only dream about and made me realize that life isn't about getting what you want, but learning to deal with what you have. I'll use that knowledge to help me when I feel down or bring it out on a rainy day. I'll savor it along with my lollypops and letters that I'll cherish forever.

_**I need you so that I could die  
I love you so and that is why  
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is  
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream  
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream  
**_

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**IMPORTANT!! READ FOR AE DETAILS!!**

**Okay, now that I have your attention, I have the wonderful idea of letting you guys choose which ending you want. I figure you didn't get much say in what happened in the actual story, so you should get the ending you dream of. Your choices for an alternative ending are:**

A) Marissa gets pregnant, but is unsure of who the baby's father is. It could be Ryan or Steve's cause Steve raped her around the time of Ryan's departure. Ryan of course does the noble thing and offers to marry her. Happy ending no matter what, but a little drama for a while. It will be three chapters long.

B) Marissa's back to the point that Ryan proposes her. She daydreamed the whole ending and now sees that Ryan really is alive and in front of her. What if she says yes to the proposal? Three chapters long.

C) Marissa says no to Ryan's proposal but he doesn't die. He goes to war and thinks of suicide but ends up getting shot in the arm. He's sent home early and Marissa quickly goes to him. They start talking again. Posts will switch back and forth from Ryan and Marissa's POV. Three chapters. Open ending, but happiness evident.

**Tell me what your choice is, A, B, or C in your review. Even if you don't usually review, take the time to do so. Your opinion matters! Get the ending YOU want! **

**I'll let you guys vote for a couple of days. Saturday afternoon is the cutoff date.**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**This is depressing. I'm crying now. Not really, I don't usually cry. I thought about it though! And it was very hard for me to write the ending.**

**Girlz-Rule - **He may just be if you choose ending A. We could PM, or you could email me. I have an msn email, but not a face book or IM or anything. I have a Myspace though. I live in Texas.

**J7chick18 - **Vote, vote, vote!

**Juzzy88 - **Depressing to write the last chapter, I tell you.

**Mrs. Bridget Vreeland Richman - **Why didn't you sign in before? Didn't feel like it?

**Ashypoos **- Larry is not my dad. Larry is my oldest uncle. Gary is my other uncle, also from rape. My grandma is my mom's mom…and my mom was the only one conceived consensually and not from rape.

**Ryan and Marissa Atwood 4ever: **Three chapters.

**Sailaway - **My grandma refuses to think about the suicide. She says that if he did, then it's obviously her fault and she doesn't want to be blamed for something like that. So she doesn't think about it. We'll pretend that Steve only took the pictures and left the letters untouched. See, I knew people would appreciate the real ending! It'll only make you love the AE even more. And are you implying that you want a sweet, precious fourteen year old to write about sex? You are a very bad influence on the youth of America : ) And yes, it would be so awesome if it was a show. I'd make money, buy my own laptop, pay for the internet at my mommy dearest's house and write you guys all the stories you want me to : )

**Sis2ACsrSalad - **"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." I'm sure you've seen the movie.

**Ally - **Soon enough, lol. Vote!

**G - **You know me too well G to know that I would argue with you, lol.

**Elly - **It's gonna be depressing not to write on this anymore. And not to write much more anymore at all!

**Francesfresh007: **But not in the AE ending he isn't. Remember to email if you feel upset again… I just had the sudden urge to tell you that. Hmm.


	42. Afterward: The Real Story

**The point of this story was to teach about what happened and to make you really think about life and how you fit in. I wanted to explain that there isn't always a happy ending, but that sometimes in life that's okay. Here's the real story, what really happened, and what everyone's doing now.**

Ryan Atwood - Robert

Marissa Cooper - Carmen (my grandma)

Carmen : July 17, 1953 - ?

Robert: October 11, 1947 - October 4, 1968

Obviously there was an age difference, but Robert saw my grandma playing tennis one day and became hooked on her. He'd walk her home from school, skip classes to be with her, and overall made her laugh. He was her escape from her mom who beat her, and her mom's various boyfriends that made countless passes. Robert and my grandma fell in love and 'went steady' for a while, and then he graduated. Their sex talk went something like this:

Robert: I want to park my car in your garage.

Carmen: Did you get a new car?

Robert (shakes head) No…I want to park my car in your garage…

Carmen: (confused) But I don't have a garage…

Robert: (laughs) You're not ready for this

My grandma was quite young when he left for the Navy. He came home on leave one day and found her pregnant. Considering he never slept with her, it was obvious it wasn't his. He still got down on one knee and offered her the choice of being his wife. Being fourteen and overwhelmed, she declined his offer. He said he wouldn't live without her. October of that year, a week before his twenty first birthday, he died.

My grandma describes the funeral as one of the worst thins she's ever experienced. She says when they shot into the air, she felt that they were shooting her heart and it tore her in two.

Domingo (Steve) was also only seven years older than her. I didn't want to do this in the story because I don't like those relationships between older women and younger men. Ew. Anyways, she was forced to marry him. He served time for six months in prison for statutory rape. He is listed as a child predator. He loved and still loves my grandma. He's sorry that he ever hurt her.

One night he called my grandma while she was married to her current husband and told her he was sorry for everything. He said he never should've taken advantage of her and that her current husband is lucky because he got to have her. We haven't heard much of him since.

My grandma had a hard life to say the least. She's been whipped, stabbed, shot at, raped, mentally abused, hit, kicked, thrown, and through it all, she still stands strong. She's one of the best people I know and is quick to smile in any situation. She's currently married to her third husband and happy for once. She finally got that happy ending that Robert had promised, even if it wasn't with him.

If you want to know more, PM me or email me.

**RIP Robert, we'll all remember you.**


	43. Important Details

Hey guys. There are some things that we need to get cleared up right away. First and foremost, I now have in my possession a laptop, so I just may be able to write more than I thought once school starts. Show some enthusiasm, I'm not gonna disappear!

Secondly, since I have more time and a laptop, I will write ALL THREE AE endings. Don't everyone rush to thank me...

The order of the endings will go like this: Choice A, Choice C, Choice B. That's the order of most votes to least.

AE ending A will be called, "Got Back Up." I'm going to try to work on it now and post it either today or tomorrow. The rest of the endings don't have names yet. More information on them will be in "Got Back Up."

To answer your questions that you guys asked:

**A Wander: **You don't have to put the father's name on a birth certificate. No one obviously called anyone or told the cops. Sometimes in life that happens.

**sailaway:** Always asking so many questions...not like I mind. You people want your multiple AEs so much, I couldn't help giving in and agreeing to write them once I got my laptop. You'll hopefully be seeing a lot more of me, but the posts won't be updated as frequently as I have been now. Once a week, maybe once every two weeks. You have a story more than a hundred thousand words long though, so you guys should be fine. I was just joking about the sex thing, lol. It's awkward to write sometimes, but for the most part my innocence is not being corrupted. I've known about sex since I was six. Real life Steve didn't start out in love with my grandma, just a stupid drunk trying to get in someone's pants. He ended up falling in love with her though after they were married and he was sober, but she hated him with a passion. Her favorite past time was thinking of ways she could kill him. And I'm glad you think I captured them right, that means a lot.

**Captain Oats:** Domingo was seven years older than my grandma, but he was in fact my great grandma's boyfriend. I don't really like that he was so much younger than her, so I didn't want to make him only seven years older in my story. That's what I meant when I said that line. Robert died during the Vietnam war. He killed himself, though only his family knew that. They were very hostile with my grandma when she went to the funeral. My grandma was told that he died trying to save a friend. I think he shot himself. It was a closed casket.

**elly:** I didn't plan on writing those last two paragraphs when I was starting out. It just sort of came to me. I was getting tired of people saying that they were upset Ryan had died, because I know it's fan fiction, but this story has always been more than just a fanfic you know? Anyways, those last paragraphs just came out without me realizing what I was doing. I like to try to leave things behind that will help people, to help guide people through things. So the fact that I taught you about life means a lot because I know that my mission was accomplished. Larry and Gary are my uncles. My mom was conceived consensually (in an elevator) when my grandma was eighteen, born when she was nineteen.

Stay tuned and look for "Got Back Up" Until then, peace!


End file.
